


bow your head (and pray)

by brattyloser



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Catholic School, Coming of Age, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Underage Drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-28
Updated: 2014-07-03
Packaged: 2018-01-26 04:58:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 16
Words: 108,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1675565
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brattyloser/pseuds/brattyloser
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Ray was a poor inner city kid who ended up going to Catholic school. Then he fell for his roommate, Gavin, and things got complicated.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on October 6, 2013.

Catholicism sucked. Catholicism sucked so hard and Ray really wished the entire religion would take its lips from around his dick because he wasn't feeling it. He stared at his reflection in the floor length mirror in his mother's bedroom. His tie was too short, his sweater too big, and his belt was making his pants crease all weird in the front. Ray pushed up his glasses and made a face. Why the fuck was Catholic school even a thing?

If there was no Mount Saint Peter Academy there'd be no stupid scholarship or stupid honors or stupid uniform that fit Ray like an outfit found at Goodwill. (Not that he didn't appreciate the effort his mother went through to find him that Top Gun-esque jacket in the sixth grade.)

But no. Here he was, two days before school started, with his bags sitting in the hall and a tightly wound, shuddering knot sitting in the middle of his chest. Ray sighed and fiddled with his tie once more, giving up with a huff when it continued to look just as ill-fitting as before. There was a jingle of keys at the front door. Ray frowned and looked at the clock. It was entirely too early for his mother to be home yet, she was supposed to be working a double shift tonight, right? As the front door creaked open, the sound of rustling and thumping filtered in.

“Ray?” his mother’s voice called out.

“In here, Mama.” He called from her bedroom. He gave another futile tug at his pants.

“I switched shifts with someone at work,” She said among the rattling and noise. “I have to work early on Monday, but that’s okay if I can spend time with my baby on his last day in the city. I even got groceries, so tonight we’re having your favorite-” She stopped once she got to the doorway. She still had on her work clothes and her eyes were tired, but something in her face softened as she took in the sight of her son in the Catholic school uniform he hated.

Ray visibly pouted. “I look stupid.”

His mother clicked her tongue and glided across the room, taking his face in her hands. “You look _fine_ , baby. Very classy.”

He leaned his face into her soft touch, her warmth distracting from the acrid smell of ammonia on her clothes. She placed a gentle kiss on his forehead. They stood like that for a moment, together in the warm light of the setting sun. Eventually his mother pulled away and gave his face a reassuring pat. “Go put the groceries away, I’m going to change.”

With another tug at his tie, Ray went and busied himself for a few minutes putting away the food his mother had purchased. “Don’t forget to call me every week, okay?” She called from the room.

Ray smirked as he put the milk in the fridge, “Yeah, Mom. Of course.”

“Just remember to study hard and be safe!”

Be safe? Isn’t that the reason he was being bussed out to some random private school in the first place? To make sure he was safe? The sound of police sirens on the street below seemed like enough of an answer.

Once he was done with the food, Ray moved back to the bedroom. His mother was in her usual faded housecoat, taking off her jewelry and putting in on the nightstand next to her bed.

Ray walked over to the bed and plopped down. He laid there for a moment and watched his mother struggle to unclasp her necklace, the sound of sirens still in his ears. “Don’t forget to deadbolt the door while I’m gone.” He says more jokingly than he intended.

“I’ll be okay, mijo. It’s you I’m worried about.” She finally unhooked the necklace and placed in on the nightstand next to her earrings and the wedding ring she still wore out of habit. She nudged Ray, imitating the pout he had been sporting earlier. “Scoot.”

He shuffled over to give her space and she lay down next to him. The two of them stared at the ceiling in silence for a bit. “You have bus fare?”

“Enough for there and when I visit for break.” The bus he was taking tomorrow was the first of three. He would have to leave at an ungodly hour in the morning just to ride for hours out of the city, through the suburbs, and all the way to the edge of bumfuck nowhere.

His mother rested her hand on the top of his head and ran her fingers through his hair. “I’m so sorry I can’t take the day off tomorrow, mijo.”

Ray shrugged as nonchalantly as he could manage. “Nah, it’s cool, Mama. Wouldn’t wanna look like a loser with my mom helping me move in.”

“Oh? You ashamed of your mother?” She put on a look of mock hurt before grinning and jabbing him in the side. “Do I embarrass you?” She prodded him again and again, the prodding turning into tickling as Ray dissolved into a fit of giggles. The tickle attack eventually ceased and mother and son quieted down, lying in bed and once again staring at the ceiling. “You’ll do great there, baby.” She said. Ray didn’t respond, choosing to run the slick material of his tie through his fingers again and again. “You’ll meet new friends, learn all sorts of things, and be away from all…this.” She gestured to the room as a whole, her arm casting a shadow on the wall.

The police siren wailed in the distance.

____________________

It was still dark outside when the alarm went off. Ray blindly swiped his phone off of the nightstand and tried to shut it up. The phone’s light was blinding in the early morning darkness.

Well, today was the day.

Today was the day and Ray wanted to stay curled up in his bed forever. But eventually he mustered the energy to roll out of bed and shuffled his way to the bathroom down the hall. He showered and dressed and washed his face like he was on autopilot. Only when he was brushing his teeth and staring at his own sloppy reflection in the mirror did the reality of the next few years of his life come crashing down on his shoulders.

‘ _Lord help me._ ’ He thought to himself before spitting frothy toothpaste into the sink.

His mother was packing him a bag lunch when Ray entered the kitchen. What he assumed was breakfast (eggs between two slices of buttered bread) was sitting on a plate next to the stove.

Ray planted a quick kiss on his mother’s cheek and wordlessly grabbed the plate. As he stuffed hot eggs and bread into his mouth, he took in the sight of his mother under the bright kitchen lights.

She had always looked young for her age, but Ray took note of the dark shadows under her eyes and the way the skin around her hands was thick and calloused in some areas, yet began to sag in others. When was the last time he had seen her make breakfast? With two jobs and shitty hours, Ray placed it sometime between the fourth and fifth grade.

“You’re truly blessed, mijo.” Her voice was soft and steady, breaking Ray from his train of thought. He made a noncommittal noise around a mouthful of bread. She folded the edge of the paper bag again and again and again before looking up at him. “God’s given you a wonderful chance, and I know it may not seem like it now, but you’re going to do great. You’ll make new friends and grow and learn.” The fluorescent lighting caught the tears in her eyes and Ray felt his throat close up. “The Lord will watch over you, baby. And no matter what, you’ll make me proud.”

Ray nodded his head, mouth still full. When he tried to put the plate back on the counter, he misjudged the distance and it landed with a loud clatter. The rattling sounded distant in his ears as he pulled his mother into a hug. His chin rested on her shoulder and her warmth ran through him from head to toe. The cross on the wall above the stove was blurry as Ray blinked back the tears.

____________________

It’s still dark when the bus pulled up to the bus stop at the end of the block. It’s dark, and it’s not late enough in the year for Ray to be able to see his breath, but a persistent chilliness ran through his body to accompany the vibrating tightness in his chest. As Ray dragged all of his stuff on board – backpack, duffle bag, and suitcase – he resolved to not look back. But the bus didn’t even roll down to the first light before that resolve broke and Ray chanced a look back at the neighborhood he was leaving behind.

Rows of apartment complexes towered overhead. Someone was smoking on the rusty fire escape stairs that twisted along the side of a building. A small convenience store, its front window boarded up, sat between a diner and empty lot. The basketball court was empty this early in the morning and it looked strange and deserted through the chain link fence. Flickering neon bar lights, sneakers hanging from telephone lines, rats scurrying in the gutters. Everything fit together in the early morning darkness like a great big portrait titled “Home”. Ray tucked the image away as it faded from view and the bus rattled on.

The ride was long and boring. Tall buildings and a thick layer of grime gave way to the whitewashed siding, spacious lawns, and neat picket fences of the suburbs. The houses were packed tight together at first, like matches in a box, but they started to thin out after a bit until they completely yielded to rolling hills and thick forests.

After two transfers and hours of riding, Ray fell asleep at some point. He couldn’t quite pinpoint when, but by the time he woke up the trees had edged closer to the road and formed a shadowy canopy over the bus. They were lush and green despite the impending fall chill, spreading overhead like a great viridian umbrella. Mottled light filtered through from above and a silhouette appeared in the distance. The silhouette solidified into a gateway as they drew near. It’s large and ancient looking and covered in ivy and moss. The bus rolled through an open iron gate and as they passed beneath the weathered stone arch, Ray caught the words “ _Mount Saint Peter Academy_ ” on a faded peeling sign.

The grounds inside the gate clearly received better upkeep than the gate itself. Through the grimy bus window, just beyond the entrance, Ray could make out an ornate statue nestled among a few well-manicured bushes. There’s a modestly-sized garden off in the near distance and what looked like the top of a chapel peeking over the roofs of the closest buildings. Every building as far as Ray could see was framed by sleepy vines curled around iron bars and tucked into the spaces between stone brick.

The bus rattled to a halt and the driver informed Ray with a gruff voice that this was the last stop. Clutching tightly to the strap of his duffle bag, Ray tried to will his heart to slow down and said a quick prayer. He stepped off the bus.

The midmorning sun was still relatively low in the sky, casting soft light on everything on the campus. As Ray was still trying to take in everything happening, someone bumped into his shoulder. His initial reflex was to apologize, but the person was already long gone, lost in the crowd of people milling about. Now that he wasn’t in the safety of the bus, high off the ground with the world barely visible through dusty glass, Ray suddenly felt lost at sea. There were all sorts of cars parked around the grounds (flashy and expensive and wow) and an assortment of people Ray had never seen in person before.

Ray tried to focus. He had a checklist of stuff to complete before he could marvel at pastel polo shirts and matching tennis outfits. Now if only he could find a directory or sign or _something_ that would direct him towards Arcadia Hall so he could check in. He meandered over to the base of the statue he spied from the bus window. It’s taller up close; Ray had to lean back to take it all in.

The statue was of a man swathed in robes. Even though the stone edges were aged and worn, the folds of his clothing looked impossibly delicate. A rosary hung from around the man’s neck and a ring of keys hung from his waist. The man’s face was in his hands, his fingers obscuring his expression. Ray could only assume that he was meant to be crying.

It was nice, he supposed. Kind of a regal, distant feeling that Ray figured required some sort of reverence.

When Ray had his fill of artistic awe and religious deference, he turned to continue his search for Arcadia Hall. He almost ran into a kid standing next to him. The kid was a little taller than Ray, with thin framed glasses and a beanie pulled low over his ears.

“Sorry.” Ray said automatically, even though the kid didn’t seem to have noticed a thing.

He tilted his head to look at Ray, an eyebrow raised, “Nice, huh?” He nodded his head toward the statue.

Ray frowned a bit before shrugging, “I mean, I guess…”

“One day I’m gonna vandalize the shit out of it.”

There was literally no buildup to that statement, so all Ray could do was stare at the weird kid with the brown curls peeking from beneath his hat. “Uh, what?” He tried to laugh it off. Maybe Ray heard him wrong.

The boy shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and rocked on his heels. “You new here? Cause you, uh, you look lost.” He smiled, and the way the morning sun hit his face, Ray noticed that the boy had freckles.

Ray shrugged again. “Yeah well, y’know.”

The boy didn’t seem to mind the vague answer as his smile grew wider. “If you’re looking to check in, The Annex is that way,” He pulled his hand out of his pocket to point at a building with tinted windows.

The Annex? That’s not where Ray needed to go. He was looking for Arcadia. When he tried to voice his confusion, the boy cut him off. “The official name is ‘Arcadia Hall’ but everyone calls it ‘The Annex’. There’s a lot of shit like that around here: The Annex, The Fort, even Weeping Dick over here,” He nodded towards the statue looming over them. “Don’t ask me why, I have no friggin’ clue. Been here since the sixth grade and it still doesn’t make any sense.” He shoved his hand back in his pocket and headed over to the building with the tinted windows. “Just follow me, I’ll help you out. Name’s Michael by the way.”

Ray stood still for a second. This Michael kid seemed alright enough. A bit of a mouth on him, but Ray found that a little comforting. He shook himself from his thoughts and jogged to keep up.

“Ray,” He said shakily. “My name’s Ray.”

“Well welcome to the Academy, Ray. Good luck, dude.”

____________________

Michael proceeded to help Ray get all checked in and lead him to his assigned dorm. Apparently each dorm was one half of a pair. There was a “Gentleman” building and a corresponding “Lady” building that went by the same name. As Ray took in the several floors of Hunter Hall, Michael rattled off a few names of girls he knew who were also in Hunter. None of the names stuck with Ray but he didn’t have the heart to ask Michael to repeat any of them.

They rode the elevator to the fourth floor and walked to the end of the hallway. The number “420” was shallowly embossed on the plaque next to the door. The keys were suddenly heavy in Ray’s hand and his mouth had gone dry. His chest had seized up again and his heart was in his throat. His feet were rooted so steadfastly to the floor he didn’t even budge when Michael clapped his hand on Ray’s back.

“Well dude, I’ve still got shit to unpack. I’m one floor above you and a few doors down if you ever wanna hit me up.” Michael turned to leave and offered a backwards wave, “See you at Orientation tomorrow!”

Ray’s tongue felt too much like sandpaper for him to reply and he kind of hoped Michael didn’t take his silence the wrong way. Not that he was much of a chatterbox the whole way over here. Ray stared at the numbered plaque again. He squashed the urge to run his fingers over the fading door number and shoved his heart back in his tight chest where it belonged. He slid the key in the lock.

When the door creaked open, Ray briefly wondered if his roommate had arrived yet. It was getting to be around noon and the number of people around the campus was starting to pick up.

"Oh! Are you Ray?"

Well that answered that.

There were boxes and crates and a half open suitcase strewn all across the floor of the room. Standing amidst the mess was a lanky blonde kid with an armful of posters.

"Sorry about the mess. Moving in's a bitch, yeah?"

Ray didn’t really hear what was said. The only things running through his head were _accent_ and _nose_ and _hair_ and _accent_. “Yeah…” He muttered, though he hadn’t a clue what he was agreeing with. His roommate was apparently some foreign model because he definitely had a sort of Euro trash look about him. Not that it was a bad thing, Ray decided, it was just that he was distractedly, conventionally, definitely pretty. From a purely aesthetic standpoint of course. As far as Ray could tell, his hair stuck up on all sides and his fashion sense was decidedly odd (because argyle plus stripes plus plaid was more dizzying than decent). But we all had our hang-ups.

“I’ve already picked a bed if that’s alright.” His roommate stepped over his own mess and dropped all of the posters onto the bed farthest from the door. He dusted off his hands, looking quite satisfied with himself, before making his way over to Ray.

“Gavin,” He held out a hand and Ray fumbled the strap of his duffle bag.

“Ray.” They shook and Ray hoped Gavin didn’t notice how sweaty his hands were. “So I take it we’re roomies?”

“Seems like it.”

They spent the next twenty or so minutes shoving Gavin’s stuff to one side of the room. Ray noted how measly his own pile of stuff looked, all tucked away to one side. He rifled through the duffle bag, pulled out sheets and began to make the bed. “So what are you in for anyway?” Ray asked. A casual conversation to fill in the awkward silence.

“Ah y’know, parents wanted me out of the way while they finalized the divorce.”

“Oh.” Yikes.

“Yeah, that was last year. It sucks pretty massive knobs but,” Gavin shrugged. He was pretty casual about the whole thing. “You know.” He ran his hand through his hair and sat on the edge of his bed. The mattress squeaked beneath his weight and Ray could feel Gavin staring at his back. Gavin’s full attention was on Ray and Ray was actually pretty uncomfortable about that. “How about you?”

“My mom figures it’s better for me all the way out here. Less likely to get into trouble.” Ray ran his hand over the sheets to smooth out any creases. He surveyed his handiwork and decided it was good enough.

“You’ll like it here Ray.”

“Ya think?” Ray turned around and sat on the edge of his own bed. Their beds were on opposite walls of the room and there was a window on the wall behind Gavin’s.

Gavin looked a bit sheepish, his right leg bouncing up and down. “Kay so you won’t _hate_ it. There’re some pretty...pretty cool lads around here.” He suddenly grinned wide and waggled his eyebrows. “Plus you’ve got me. Coolest bloke.”

Ray let himself chuckle at that, feeling a little more at ease. “Dude, if you’re the best this place has to offer, I’m in deep shit.”

They both laughed and Ray began to feel things shift into place. Gavin may have been a rich pretty boy, but he had a generally open face and a nice smile and the tightness in Ray’s chest loosened up just a bit.

____________________


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on October 13, 2013.

It was surprisingly warm considering the time of the year. Ray idly played with his tie as he looked around. The church stood behind him, its stained glass face shimmering in the light of the rising sun.

Gavin elbowed Ray in the ribs. “You look like you’re about to pass out.” He said with a grin. The sleeves of his dress shirt were rolled up to his elbows. His tie hung loosely around his neck.

“Nah, just tired.” Ray busied his hands by tightening Gavin’s tie. “I woke up to your phone this morning, remember?” Earlier that morning, Ray had the unique experience that was Gavin Free’s alarm clock. Except “unique” was putting it nicely. When Gavin’s phone had started wailing with what sounded like a mix between a baby’s cry and a dying bird, Ray was sure that he had woken up in Hell. Gavin had merely rolled over and hit snooze before going back to sleep for another five minutes.

Ray gave Gavin’s tie a final tug. Deciding that it was straight enough, he dropped his hands to his side. Gavin swung his arm over Ray’s shoulder with a laugh. “Just wanted to make sure you got to the church on time. Wouldn’t want my Ray to miss his first sermon and all that.”

“Oh he’s _yours_ now, Gavin? I met him first, asshole.” Michael sauntered up to the pair, hands shoved in his khaki pockets. He had a sour look on his face.

“Michael!” Gavin squeaked, as if they hadn’t seen Michael only fifteen minutes ago.

“Yeah thanks for waiting for me by the way, dipshit.”

“You were taking too long!”

Michael threw his hands in the air. “Well _excuse_ me for not being eager to show up for the first sermon of the school year, Gavin!” His tone was angry, but he cracked a smile and looked at Ray. “Jesus Christ, I feel sorry that you’re stuck with this idiot.”

Ray shrugged, still pulled close to Gavin’s chest. To be honest, Ray didn’t find Gavin all that bad. He and Michael were way more casual than Ray had expected of Catholic schoolboys. After cracking a few jokes with Gavin and talking to his mother last night before bed, Ray was feeling decidedly better today. He pushed himself away from Gavin.

“Thanks for the pants, man.” Ray said to Michael. He tugged at one of his belt loops of the khakis he was wearing. Earlier, when Gavin had seen how ill fitted Ray’s uniform was, Ray had been forcibly dragged upstairs to Michael’s room. Thankfully, Michael had a few old pairs that didn’t fit him quite right anymore. Ray was satisfied that his pants didn’t bunch all weird in the front.

“No problem, man. Not like I was wearing them or anything. I can score you a few more actually.” Michael pulled two Kit Kats out of his pocket and tossed one at Gavin, who squeaked and barely caught it. Michael then grinned slyly at Ray. “Some of us actually grew out of our middle school clothes y’know.”

“Hey! Was that a dig at my height?”

Michael laughed.

“Gavin! Michael! Guys guys guys!”

A girl with blonde hair bounded up to Gavin, punching him in the arm. Gavin stumbled back from the blow. His face twisted into a pout.

“Ow, Barbara! What’s that for?”

Barbara punched Gavin in the arm again, softer this time. “You going to Geoff’s party?”

“What?” Gavin perked up. He rubbed his sore shoulder and his eyes flickered with something Ray recognized as excitement. “When?”

“This Friday.”

Ray hadn’t even noticed the girl standing behind Barbara. Her auburn hair was in a low ponytail and she looked thoroughly exasperated by her friend’s energy. “He said to meet on the soccer field around eight.”

Barbara enthusiastically nodded her head, pigtails swinging around. “Yeah, what Lindsay said! Friday, soccer field, eight o’clock. Geoff wanted to like ‘kick off the new school year with a bang’.” Barbara used air quotes, and dropped her voice a few octaves. Her face scrunched up from the effort.

Lindsay, meanwhile, sidled up next to Michael. “Good morning,” She smiled and gave Michael a quick kiss on the cheek. “You going to Geoff’s shindig?”

Michael shrugged and, having opened his Kit Kat when Barbara showed up, broke it in half and offered it to Lindsay. “Probably. You going?”

Lindsay plucked the candy from his fingers. “Yeah probably. Wouldn’t wanna be accused of being a total nerd.”

Ray watched them as they held hands and ate. Ah, so they were a couple. They looked kind of cute together, Ray thought. On the other hand, Gavin and Barbara were going back and forth about some inane topic. At least, Ray assumed it was inane only because he had stopped paying attention. Both had way too much energy for a Sunday morning. If Ray had to admit it, he guessed Gavin and Barbara would make a cute couple too. Maybe.

Suddenly Gavin spun around, looking at Ray with wide eyes. “Oh! I haven’t introduced you yet!” Ray blinked a few times, his glasses sliding down his nose. “Well you already know Michael, the dumb idiot.” Michael grunted, but Ray wasn’t sure if it was out of protest or agreement. Gavin simply ignored him altogether and pointed to the overly chipper blonde. “Well this is Barbara.”

Barbara offered a short wave, “’Sup.”

“And this is Lindsay.” Gavin motioned to the brunette sucking chocolate off of her fingers.

Lindsay nodded coolly, “Yo.”

“And this is Ray!” Gavin looked awfully proud of himself as he placed his hand on top of Ray’s head.

Ray awkwardly chuckled and shrugged. “Hey.”

“Ray’s my roommate and it’s his first year at the Academy. You think Geoff will like him?”

Lindsay shrugged and gave Gavin a look that said ‘don’t know, don’t care’ as she tried to rifle through Michael’s pockets for more sweets. Michael tried to bat her away. “Probably, dude.” He said. “There aren’t many people Geoff _doesn’t_ like. Plus, he’s so little and harmless. Look at him.”

“Wow. Thanks.”

“Anytime, Ray.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “So who’s Geoff anyway?”

Ray didn’t think it was possible for Gavin’s eyes to get any wider. He began bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet. “Oh you _definitely_ have got to meet Geoff, Ray.” He looked down at the unopened Kit Kat in his hands, “And Jack and Ryan and Burnie and Gus and—I don’t know where the upperclassmen are right now.” Gavin unwrapped the candy and broke it in half. He looked up at Michael. “Michael do you know where Geoff is?”

Michael had apparently given up on fighting his girlfriend. Lindsay was pressed up against Michael in a sort of embrace, her arms wrapped around his waist and her hands in his back pockets. He looked pretty nonplussed by the situation. “I saw Burnie and Matt heading over to The Fort earlier. I think that’s where the third years are hanging out ‘til we finish.”

Ray didn’t understand much of what Michael had said, but Gavin nodded like it all made sense. Gavin shoved a Kit Kat in Ray’s mouth and grabbed his wrist. “We’ll be back.”

“You’ve got fifteen minutes.” Barbara chimed.

“Tick tock, motherfucker.” Lindsay said.

Gavin tugged at Ray’s arm as he started running. Ray couldn’t protest around a mouth full of chocolate and wafer, so he succumbed to being dragged past two buildings before Gavin skidded to a stop. They stood before a brick building with many of its bricks painted vibrant colors. A wooden sign hanging above the doorway read “Fortitude”. Half of the word was viciously scratched out and a bright pink, sloppily painted “The” was scrawled at the top. The result was the sign reading as “The Fort”.

A tall guy with wide shoulders stood in front of the double doors of The Fort. He was leaning against the doorframe and looked pretty bored to be doing so.

“Hey, Ryan.” Gavin swung his and Ray’s hands back and forth. Ray wondered if he should tell Gavin to let go. “What’re you doing out here?”

“Eh.” Ryan pushed himself off the doorframe and ran a hand through his hair. “Keeping watch.”

Disbelief crossed over Gavin’s face. He seemed genuinely surprised by Ryan’s answer. “You’ve got to be kidding. Classes haven’t even started yet and you guys are already smoking!” He did that thing with his voice where it got really loud and shrill. Ray cringed and Ryan hurriedly put a finger to his own lips.

“Shh! Keep it down before you attract one of the nuns.” The three of them sat there in silence for a moment. When the moment had passed and Ryan deemed the coast clear, he continued. “See, first of all, this wasn’t my idea. And second—who’s this?” It seemed like he noticed Ray for the first time since he and Gavin started talking. He gave Ray a once over and Ray imagined what it would feel like to have his head squished by Ryan’s massive hands. The dude was huge and kind of terrifying. “You typically hang out with the same handful of people.”

Gavin sighed, clearly exasperated at being given the third-degree by Ryan. “This is Ray and I wanted to introduce him to Geoff before Friday.”

“Oh so you’re coming to the party?” Ryan smiled good-naturedly and Ray felt less like his neck was in danger of being snapped.

“Ryan!” Gavin whined. He didn’t appreciate the subject change. “Let me in! I wanna see Geoff!”

Ryan ignored Gavin and looked at Ray with a discerning eye. “Be careful. Most of the kids in your class are...excitable, for lack of a better word. They’re a bit like puppies almost.”

“We are not, Ryan,” Gavin actually stomped his foot in protest. “Now where’s Geoff? We have like ten minutes before we have to get back!”

One of the doors behind Ryan creaked open and a boy with dark hair and a scruffy beard slipped out. A bitter smell rushed out of the building, hitting Ray full force in the face. Ray wrinkled his nose. The door closed with a thud. The boy looked at Gavin with tired, bloodshot eyes and gave him a half smile. “What do you want, Gavin?”

Gavin’s hand was still wrapped tightly around Ray’s fingers. His grip tightened when he saw the tall boy with the sleepy eyes. “Geoff!”

Geoff crossed his arms as he leaned against the building. His sleeves were rolled halfway up his forearm. Ray caught glimpses of tattoos along the revealed skin. Was that even legal?, he wondered.

“Well I’ll take that as my cue to leave then.” Ryan said, turning to leave. “See you later, Gav.”

“Bye Ryan!” Gavin said with a wave. “Geoff! This is my roommate! His name is Ray and it’s his first year here.” The speed at which Gavin was able to change gears repeatedly astounded Ray during the little time he had known the kid. “So what do you think?” Gavin’s grip on Ray shifted until their fingers were interlocking. Gavin’s hand was warm and nowhere near as sweaty as Ray’s.

Geoff inspected Ray from head to toe to head again. His smirk broke out into a full smile, “Fuck if I know, Gav. He seems okay I guess? Looks like he’s about to shit himself out of fear though.” Geoff pushed himself off the wall and ruffled Gavin’s hair. Gavin giggled. “I don’t understand why you needed to run this by me, but whatever. Get back to church, alright?”

Ray wasn’t sure why Gavin wanted him to meet Geoff either. He was grateful that he wasn’t the only one confused by his roommate’s antics. Tugging at Gavin’s hand, Ray tried to lead him back in the direction they came from. “Yeah we should definitely get back, dude.”

Gavin gave in to Ray’s pulling and waved goodbye to Geoff. They started walking back to the church, still hand in hand. “You’ll like the other upperclassmen too, Ray. They’re top.” Gavin swung their hands back and forth. “Do you drink?”

“Uh…” The sounds of crying and screaming rang distantly in Ray’s ears. A wave of panic washed over his senses and he tried to put on an easy smile. “No, actually.” He said breezily.

Gavin deflated a bit. The swinging slowed down to a stop. “Oh.”

The tightness in Ray’s chest was back. Oh shit, did he fuck up? Should he have just said yes? “That –uh – is that a problem?”

Gavin vigorously shook his head. “No!” He looked at Ray with earnest. “You’ll still have fun I think. We just hang around and talk about dumb stuff mostly.”

They walked back, still hand in hand, in silence. Ray didn’t really know if it was a comfortable silence or not; it seemed like Gavin wanted to say something but thought better of it.

They made it back to the church in time to file in with all the other first years. It was hot and stuffy inside. When Ray sat down in the pews next to Gavin, the seats were hard and uncomfortable. That wasn’t all that surprising really; Ray had spent enough Sunday mornings in churches to know how uncomfortable they generally were. The inside of this church was more colorful than the outside, sunlight filtering in through stained glass window panes. Slivers of blue and red fell across Ray’s lap. He held a hand in the light and wiggled his fingers. Barbara, who was sitting in front of him, turned around.

“Hey Gavin, look at this!” She had a Bible flipped open to an arbitrary chapter in the book of Psalms. There was a waterfall of dicks drawn in the margins of the pages.

“Jesus, Barbara. Already?”

She held her head up proudly, waving her pen around. “It’s my life goal to fill every Bible in this church with by beautiful artwork.”

Ray chuckled. Michael wanted to vandalize a religious figure and Barbara was intent on filling the written word with genitalia. He seemed to have fallen in with an interesting group of people. Not bad, per se, but definitely different.

The chatter started to die down as a middle aged man wearing a cassock walked up to the pulpit. He tugged at the clerical collar of the tunic before clearing his throat.

“Good morning,” He said.

Half of the congregation murmured a reply.

The man placed his hands on either side of the pulpit. “Looking out at all of your bright young faces this glorious morning, I see many familiar ones looking back. It is a blessing to see you again. Welcome back.” He smiled and leaned forward before delivering the next part of his speech. “But I also see a number of new faces out there. And to _you_ I say,” He spread his arms wide in a gesture of acceptance. “Welcome. Welcome and God bless.” Ray began bouncing his leg. Yeah ‘God bless’ more like ‘God help him because Ray had zero clue how he was going to survive the next year let alone to next four’. The man continued speaking. “Many of the decisions you make over the course of the upcoming years will shape your future. Now is a time of self-discovery. Here at Mount Saint Peter Academy our goal is to help you grow. We want you to grow emotionally, intellectually, morally, and of course, spiritually.” He motioned to the wooden confessionals lining the walls of the nave. They were placed at the end of the pews, nestled neatly below the bright stained glass. The lattice cutouts of the confessionals looked more foreboding than comforting to Ray.

The man continued his sermon, increasing in fervor as he went on, but Ray had stopped listening, distracted by the growing tension in his chest. Ray squirmed a bit in his seat. The seats were really rigid and the atmosphere was damn near stifling. Growing up, he had had enough of early Sunday mornings and cathedrals and prayer and incense to last him a lifetime.

Yet here he was.

His fingers drummed against the seat of the pew, his hand resting in the space between him and Gavin. He idly wondered if Gavin would want to show him around campus after this; he’d really hate to get lost on his way to class. The one good thing about this whole wacky ordeal, Ray figured, was Gavin. It really helped that his roommate was nice. Ray snuck a glance at the boy sitting next to him. He had bright eyes and the dyed sunlight played across his cheeks. Yeah. Nice. Gavin was definitely… _nice_.

Gavin must have felt Ray staring because he turned, eyebrows raised, and their eyes met. Ray smiled nervously. His eyebrows were tightly knitted and his face felt all weird. It must have looked weirder than it felt because Gavin smiled his own soft smile and placed a gentle hand over Ray’s. The tightness in Ray’s chest unwound as his shoulders sagged. Ray returned Gavin’s smile and made a mental note to spend as little time in the stuffy church as possible.

____________________


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on October 20, 2013.

No one enjoyed Monday mornings. It was like a universally acknowledged truth. Ray tried his hardest to ignore the light streaking through the window and his phone pathetically buzzing on the nightstand next to his bed. He resolutely kept his eyes shut, but something warm and minty was blowing across his face. Ray cracked open an eye and nearly choked on his own heart.

“Jesus!” He yelled as he pushed Gavin’s face away. Ray vaguely registered that Gavin’s face was hot and damp. “What the hell, man?!”

Gavin stumbled back, giggling, “I wasn't sure if you were breathing. I thought you might be dead.”

Ray sat up with one hand over his chest. His heart was still rapidly beating. “Yeah well you almost gave me a heart attack, so you nearly killed me there.” Ray rubbed at the crust in his eyes and stifled a yawn. Gavin’s giggles mixed with the sound of his bare feet slapping against the linoleum. As Ray finished blinking the sleep out of his vision, he looked over at his roommate. “Dude, what the fuck?”

Gavin had a towel wrapped around his waist. His damp hair clung to his forehead and water rolled down his bare chest. He looked down at his towel and then back at Ray, his eyebrows raised and head tilted. “You should shower and get ready too, or we're going to be late.” He was so matter of fact about it and that threw Ray off. Did he really not see a problem with this situation? Maybe he just didn’t care.

Ray rolled out of bed and stretched, the hem of his faded graphic tee rising up above his belly button. “Yeah yeah, I got it.”

Gavin, who was trying to put on his boxers under his towel, nearly fell flat on his face. Raising an eyebrow, Ray lowered his arms. Geez, what a klutz. Scratching the back of his neck, Ray walked over to the dresser next to the closet. He pulled underwear and a towel out of the drawers.

“Hey, want to grab breakfast at the café?” Gavin said. “You might be able to meet some of the others.”

“I thought we were gonna be late if I didn’t hurry up?” Ray’s voice was muffled as he rifled through the closet for his shower shoes. They sure did a pretty lousy job organizing their stuff on Saturday; their closet floor was already a jumbled mess.

“Well, yeah. Late to breakfast, you donut. Most important meal of the day or whatever.”

The shoes were in an empty box in the back corner of the closet. Where did that box even come from? Ray slipped on his shoes and backed out of the closet. Gavin was looking at him expectantly, still only in his boxers, his towel draped over his wet hair. “Sure then.” Ray grabbed the shower caddy sitting by his feet. “Always fun to meet your weird-ass friends.”

Gavin squawked in mock indignation. Ray laughed at his own joke before ending up with a face full of Gavin’s towel.

____________________

The cafeteria was loud. Everywhere Ray looked, there were students in uniforms talking, laughing, and eating. He was shaken out of his stupor by Gavin grabbing the handle of his backpack.

“Don’t just stand around. Come on.”

Ray stumbled alongside Gavin before falling into step. Once they grabbed their trays of food, Gavin led Ray across the cafeteria to a round table against the wall. Lindsay was already sitting at the table, surrounded by five empty chairs. Ray greeted her with a wave. Lindsay smiled.

“If you’re looking for Michael, he and Caleb were dicking around so I came down without them.” She rested her elbow on the table and put her chin in her hand. “Barbara was here, but she went to class with Kara. They have Bio on the other side of campus.”

Gavin made a face. “Gross.”

“Right?” Lindsay poked around at the leftover food on her tray. Deciding that she was done eating, she proceeded to tear her hash brown into small pieces. “So, you ready for your first day, Ray?”

“Ready as I’ll ever be I guess.”

A tray slammed down next to Lindsay’s tray and loudly clattered on the table. Ray jumped at the noise. “Morning, losers.” Michael grinned as he sat down beside Lindsay. “Guess who’s the new ruler of the pillow fort?”

Ray gave Michael an inquisitive look. Lindsay cursed and leaned her head back. “Not this shit again.”

“Let me guess,” Gavin rolled his eyes at his friend’s enthusiasm before taking a bite out of his waffles. “You?”

Michael looked rather proud of himself, opening his milk with a flourish. “Damn straight.”

“He totally cheated by the way.” A kid with dark hair, a baseball cap, and the highest cheekbones Ray had ever seen gently placed his tray down next to Ray’s. He turned a chair around until it was facing the table backwards. As he sat down, he pointed an accusatory finger at Michael. “That count was bogus. There’s no way you pinned me for 10 seconds.”

Gavin scoffed, which was an interesting feat considering his mouth was still full of food. “Oh you’re one to talk about cheating, Caleb.”

Caleb had picked up his fork to dig in to his eggs, but Gavin’s remark made him glare the other boy down. At least Ray assumed it was a glare, because Caleb looked more like a put out kitten than anything resembling threatening. He jabbed his fork in Gavin’s direction. “Come on! It’s was one time, dude!” This seemed to be an old argument because Caleb’s face turned into one of pure exasperation. “You really need to get over it.”

Gavin feigned thinking it over for a while before shrugging, “Nah.”

Caleb’s shoulders sagged and he went back to his eggs, mumbling darkly. “Friggin’ asshole…”

Ray nervously looked from Gavin to Caleb, quite literally caught between the two.

“Don’t worry about them.” Lindsay said, noticing Ray’s discomfort. “This happens pretty much every day.” She casually batted away Michael’s hand as he tried to grab her abandoned hash brown. “The sport nerd to your left is Caleb. He and Michael are roommates. And sometimes they build pillow forts and battle over dominion of those pillow forts like big weirdo babies.”

Caleb looked over at Ray, realization dawning on his face. “Oh, you’re Gav’s new roomie, right?” He offered his hand and Ray slowly shook it. “I was trying to figure out why I didn’t recognize you.” Caleb turned his cap around and something glinted in his eyes. He leaned towards Ray, successfully invading his space. “Hey, what’s your opinion on Ultimate Frisbee?”

“Oh my God, Caleb, Ray isn’t interested in playing your dumb Frisbee game.” Gavin looped his arm around Ray’s neck and pulled him close. Ray ignored the fact that Gavin still smelled strongly of scented body wash.

Gavin’s action and word of warning was enough to ward off Caleb’s advances. Recognizing defeat, Caleb raised his hands in a non-threatening gesture and leaned back. “Alright, I’ll back off. Geez.”

Gavin nodded and let Ray go. As Ray fiddled with the now crumpled collar of his shirt, a nun who was patrolling the cafeteria strolled by their table. “Denecour. Hat.” She said as she pulled Caleb’s cap off and dropped it on the table in one fluid motion.

“Yes, Sister.” He answered casually, running a hand through his hair. His response seemed to satisfy her and she continued her patrol. Caleb propped his elbows on the table and put his chin in his hands. He looked at Lindsay and batted his eyes. “How about you, Tuggey? You in?”

Lindsay hummed thoughtfully, “I’ve been thinking about it. Our current sports teams all suck and it’s been a while since my parents forced me to quit softball.” She flexed and the fabric of her button down stretched taut around her muscle. Ray was impressed. It was hard to tell how fit she was under all the cotton and polyester. “If I do join, I’ll try to drag Barbara along. She’s been complaining about hockey for _weeks_.”

Michael grunted, his eyes narrowed and his mouth twisted in a scowl. “Dude, flutter your eyes at my girlfriend like that again and I’ll punch you in the dick.”

Lindsay put her hand on Michael’s shoulder. “Down boy, down.” In an attempt to mollify her boyfriend, Lindsay pushed her tray towards him and offered her leftovers. Michael accepted the offering and started eating her hash brown. Lindsay looked back at Caleb. “But seriously. I’ll talk to Barb about it.”

“Sweet.” Caleb picked his hat up where the nun had left it and put it back on. He pulled the bill low before returning to his food. “When I asked her yesterday, she told me to buzz off. Maybe you’ll have better luck.”

Ray was kind of glad that Gavin told Caleb he wasn’t interested in Ultimate. Ray wasn’t exactly the most athletic person in the world, and he planned on keeping it that way. Caleb, Michael, and Lindsay continued talking about sports and pillow forts and Ray quietly listened. After a few minutes, there was a nagging feeling of being watched that tugged at the back of Ray’s mind. He looked to his right and locked eyes with Gavin, who was looking at him with an unreadable expression on his face.

“What?” Ray asked, suddenly self-conscious. “Something on my face?”

Gavin smiled softly and shook his head. He reached out and poked Ray’s nose, “I’m glad we’re roomies, Ray. I can tell you’re a cool bloke.”

Ray swore his face started heating up, but he just chuckled nervously and shrugged. “Whatever you say, man.”

____________________

As it turned out, Catholic high school was a lot like public high school. Or at least Ray figured it was like public high school considering he had never attended any other high school before. It was just that actual Catholic high school was a lot less fire and brimstone and Gregorian chants then Ray had imagined it would be.

There were two classes that Ray and Gavin had together and Ray was beginning to feel that those classes would be his favorites. They sat next to each other in History and spent a majority of the period passing notes and crude doodles. After they almost got caught for the third time they actually decided to pay attention. In English, they sat on opposite sides of the room. When Ray chanced a look at Gavin, he nearly choked on the pencil in his mouth while attempting to stifle his laughter. Gavin was apparently gifted in pulling absolutely ridiculous faces. They periodically made faces at each other for the rest of class.

Ray’s last class of the day was Geometry. Gavin had Algebra and had told Ray that he would meet him after class. Now math was typically a subject that Ray enjoyed, but he kept a trained eye on the clock for the duration of the class period. When the church bell rang, signaling the end of class, Ray slowly and deliberately packed up his stuff. He didn’t want to seem too eager to leave as he headed out of the classroom and awkwardly loitered in the halls.

He and Gavin had exchanged classroom numbers, but now Ray couldn’t remember what number Gavin had said. He had meant to write it down when he got to class but, when he got lost on the way and was almost late, he sort of forgot. Ray tried to remember the shape of Gavin’s mouth as he said the numbers, hoping that that would help him jog his memory. It didn’t, as Ray merely got distracted by how red and soft Gavin’s lips had looked.

Nope. Better stop that line of thought. That was a little weird.

Ray frantically shook his head in an attempt to shake the image from his brain. He leaned against the wall of the now empty Geometry classroom and sighed. Maybe if he just stayed here, Gavin would find him.

And find Ray he did. Gavin descended the stairs at the end of the hall and walked towards Ray with a bounce in his step. “So how was it? Did you survive without me?” Ray wasn’t sure why his heart chose then of all times to leap in his chest, but he smiled at Gavin anyway.

“Eh. I managed.” Ray pushed himself off the wall and fell into step next to Gavin. As they walked down the hall side by side, Gavin slipped his hand into Ray’s and Ray felt his heart stutter behind his ribcage. They exited the building hand in hand only to be greeted by stifling September heat.

Ray groaned, already feeling himself start to sweat. “Why is it so hot? Isn’t it Fall or something?”

Gavin ran his thumb over Ray’s knuckles and the heat was suddenly forgotten as an icy chill shot down Ray’s spine. “If we go back to the café, we can get ice cream. Sound good?”

Ray nodded emphatically, “Sounds _great_.” A shadow of emotion flickered across Gavin’s face. Ray tilted his head. “Something wrong?”

Frowning, Gavin looked over at Ray. “I just have this annoying feeling that I’m forgetting something.”

“Hey, Gavin!” A short boy with blonde hair that fell just below his ears waved as he jogged up to the pair.

Gavin raised his eyebrows and their walking pace slowed down. “Oooooh. There it is.”

The boy stopped in front of Ray and Gavin and pulled at the strap of his messenger bag. “You’re still down to help Monty with his project today, right?”

Gavin’s grip on Ray slowly loosened and Ray felt Gavin’s hand slip from his grasp. Gavin hooked both of his thumbs in the straps of his backpack as he nodded. “Yeah sure!”

The kid looked relieved; his shoulders dropped and he exhaled. There was an undeniably cherubic look about him when he smiled. “Alright good. We need all the help we can get honestly.” His momentary relief was short lived as he straightened up and adjusted his bag again. “Everybody’s meeting over at The Fort, but I’m looking for Miles. You’ve seen him around?”

Gavin shook his head. “No. But if you really need more help, can Ray come too?”

“Of course! As long as he doesn’t mind working up a sweat.”

Gavin placed a hand on the kid’s head (the one that had just been holding Ray’s hand a minute ago) and ruffled his hair. He looked over at Ray and offered a quick introduction. “Ray, this is Kerry. Kerry, Ray.”

Kerry looked at Ray and nodded at him in acknowledgement. Ray nodded back and immediately looked at the ground. He scuffed his feet against the dry dirt and fumbled for an excuse to get away.

“You know, physical exertion’s not really my thing. I’m lazy as fuck.” He scratched the back of his neck. What a terrible excuse. It was true, but it was still a terrible excuse. “Wouldn’t want to get in the way or whatever.” That part was true too. Ray was starting to feel a little in the way. Whenever he was introduced to someone it was like being dropped into the middle of an ongoing conversation. Even with Gavin gently trying to guide him along and fill him in, Ray totally understood how that would get exhausting. So he would gracefully bow out and rough it on his own for a bit. As if wandering around a private school campus could be called ‘roughing it’. He rocked on his heels and looked up at Gavin. “I’ll just head home. Don’t worry about it.”

Gavin’s shoulders sagged and he looked positively heartbroken. It was sweet of him to care about Ray’s feelings enough to bother looking put out because Ray wouldn’t be tagging along like a lost puppy. “You sure?”

Gavin’s furrowed brows and pouty lip made Ray smile. “Yeah, maybe I’ll just get ice cream without you.” He teased.

His teasing was met with incredulity. “You wouldn’t!” Gavin was clearly affronted that Ray would even suggest such a thing. This spurred Ray further.

“Oh I would.”

“Ray!” The way that Ray’s name sounded in Gavin’s mouth was turning out to be one of Ray’s favorite things. He didn’t know why, but he was satisfied nonetheless and turned to leave.

“I’m joking.” This seemed to placate Gavin and his panicky look subsided. “I’ll see you when you get back. We can get ice cream then.” He waved good bye to Kerry before walking away. “Nice to meet you, Kerry.”

“You too, man.” As Ray walked out of earshot he heard Kerry say to Gavin, “Help me find Miles. We haven’t seen him all afternoon and Monty is freaking out.”

Ray tugged at the sleeves of his shirt, pulling the fabric over his knuckles. Finding the way back to the dorms shouldn’t be too hard. He kicked up some gravel and adjusted his backpack as he headed in what he assumed was the right direction.

____________________

It was entirely too hot for it to be this late in September. Apparently the AC for their building had been turned off in anticipation for the autumn chill but now refused to come back on in eighty degree weather. So the students were left to their own devices. Practically every room on the floor had their door propped open with fans on full blast.

Ray had wandered around campus for a while, trying to get used to where everything was. All he had managed to do was get hopelessly lost. Fortunately, he had run into Barbara, who pointed him in the correct direction of the dorm.

So now he was lying in the middle of the floor of his and Gavin’s hot ass room praying for sweet death to overcome him. Ray sat up abruptly. Maybe he should open the window. It was on Gavin’s side of the room but he was pretty sure his roommate wouldn’t mind too much. It was a life or death situation after all, he rationalized as he stood up and walked across the room.

Ray crawled over Gavin’s bed to crack open the window and let in a breeze. It was better to be sweaty and gross with air circulating then sweaty and gross and drowning in stagnant heat. A sticky gust hit Ray full in the face and he briefly reconsidered his decision. Then he caught sight of the view from the window.

The sun sat low on the horizon, setting the edges of the sky aflame. The forest surrounding the campus spread far and wide, green and gold in all directions. It was a breathtaking sight and Ray settled on Gavin’s bed, his knees sinking in the mattress and elbows propped up on the window sill, to take it all in.

“Brilliant view, right?”

Ray jumped and almost toppled off of the bed.

“Jesus!” He placed his hand over his racing heart and glared at Gavin standing in the doorway. “You scared the shit out of me!”

Gavin laughed and dropped his backpack by the door. His face was red and a thin layer of sweat glistened across his forehead. “What’re you doing on my bed?” He asked as he struggled to pull his shirt over his head.

Ray watched sweat roll down every curve and divot Gavin’s body had to offer. One drop in particular rolled down Gavin’s chest until it reached the top of his pants and disappeared into the fabric.

“Well, y’know.” Ray heard himself say.

Gavin, once free from his textile prison, grabbed the green towel hanging on the back of the door and dried his hair. “It’s hot as bollocks outside.” For some reason Ray didn’t trust his tongue enough to reply so he just sat on Gavin’s bed at an awkward angle and stared. Gavin paid him no mind as he began toweling down his chest and back. When he spoke again, he steered the conversation in a new direction. “Why didn’t you stick around? You missed out on meeting Monty and Miles.”

“Well, y’know,” He was repeating himself but for whatever reason he just couldn’t get his tongue to work right. Maybe it was the heat getting to him. Can you get a heatstroke from sitting in a hot room? Ray shrugged. “Didn’t wanna get in the way.”

Gavin giggled and Ray was becoming more and more familiar with the varied patterns of Gavin Free’s laughter. Hanging the towel across his shoulders, Gavin sauntered over to his bed. Ray blinked owlishly up at him. “You’re not getting in the way, you knob.” Gavin fell face first onto the bed, dragging Ray down with him. There was brief moment where they lay there side by side with one of Gavin’s arms draped across Ray and their legs tangled in an impossible mess. The window was to Ray’s back and, in the dying light, Ray noticed that he could count Gavin’s eyelashes if he had the time. Gavin smiled and reached up to pinch Ray’s cheek. “I want you to meet everyone. You’re stuck with us for four years and everything.”

“Yeah sure! Makes sense I guess!” Ray scrambled to get off the bed and away from Gavin. His voice was high and strained and he knew his laugh was too loud to seem natural. He hurriedly untangled their limbs and flopped gracelessly onto the floor. Gavin laughed again (the one that ended in a squeak) and turned over to look down at Ray.

“You okay, Ray?”

Ray wasn’t really sure if he was okay. He rolled over to stare at the ceiling. “Yeah, I’m good.” He rubbed a hand over his face, trying to forget the feeling of Gavin’s breath ghosting over his nose. “It’s too hot to cuddle. You’re sweaty and gross too.”

“Aw, but I like cuddling.” Gavin joked. He had to be joking because he giggled like a crazed child after he said it.

Ray pushed himself up off the floor and went to sit down on his own bed. His nose still prickled. Ray eyed Gavin from across the room. Gavin’s eyes were closed and he looked pretty peaceful and harmless lying there. Ray’s eyes flicked from Gavin’s face to below his collarbone. The hair on his chest was thick and curled in on itself. Gavin cracked open an eye, still stretched lean and long across his bed. “Like what you see?” Ray quickly averted his gaze and stifled a nervous laugh.

“You’re hairy as fuck, dude.”

“I know, it’s mental! It’s like one day I woke up and there was hair everywhere. It really pisses Michael off cause he’s silky smooth like a little baby.”

Ray snorted. “Well congrats on puberty, I guess.”

Gavin’s face suddenly became completely serious as he said, “Do you ever wonder if there are hairy babies? Like babies who are born with beards and stuff?”

Ray swore he was going to get whiplash from Gavin’s topic changes. Though to be honest, he appreciated the shift in conversation.

“Not really, no. I don’t think anyone wonders that.”

Gavin rolled onto his back and reached his hands toward the ceiling. “But what if…”

Ray reached under his pillow and pulled out his Bible. As he settled into a comfortable position on his bed, he flipped the book open to a specific section. He might as well do the assigned reading for Bible study if he was going to be subjected to another one of Gavin’s crackpot theories. Ray silently highlighted passages while Gavin babbled on in the background.

____________________


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on November 3, 2013.

It was Friday. The holiest day of the week. Not holy as in Holy with the capitol ‘H’ and the will of God. Holy as in ‘holy shit the weekend’s almost here’.

Ray stared down the clock. The hour hand was settled comfortably between the three and four while the minute hand made its tedious journey towards the six. It was his last class of the day – last class of the _week_ – and he was ready for the weekend. The teacher was still lecturing about material that was to be on an upcoming test, but no one was listening. Every student had their rapt attention on the ticking hands of the clock. The tension was palpable. It was as if the whole classroom collectively held their breath.

Then the clock struck 3:30. Papers, books, and pencils flew every which way as kids shoved their things in half opened backpacks and rushed out the door. Ray was swept up in the rush and deposited in the hallway. He was about to head towards the staircase where he and Gavin usually met up when he felt a hand grab his wrist.

He’d know those slender fingers and soft palms anywhere. Ray smiled an easy smile and let himself be tugged along. “Ready for the weekend, Gavin?”

“Ready as knobs.” When they exited the building, Gavin pulled him in the opposite direction of the dorms. “Come on.”

“Where are we going?” Ray still had a few hours to figure out what he was going to wear to Geoff’s party that night. He was pretty sure they were supposed to be meeting up with the others in Michael and Caleb’s room. Something about pregaming. Ray wasn’t exactly well versed in party etiquette and pregaming, as far as he could tell, was exactly like drinking except not. To be honest he wasn’t really looking forward to it, but Gavin was excited so that was good enough for Ray.

Gavin slid his hand into Ray’s and put on a serious face. “We’ve been assigned a mission.” The way Gavin’s face pulled down around his mouth gave off more of a pout than a look of severity.

Ray bit back a giggle and decided to play along. “And what is our mission, should we choose to accept it?”

“A very serious one.” They had approached an old brick building that stood three stories high. Ray had no clue how they got there. Slipping out of Ray’s grip, Gavin opened the door with the affected air of a gentleman. “After you, good sir.” He played up his accent, effectively sounding like a butler from an old tv drama.

“Why thank you, kind sir.” Ray’s British accent was utter crap and he knew it. He stepped through the open door, chin held high, emulating as much class as he could muster. Gavin broke character and dissolved into giggles.

“What was that?” He said once he caught his breath.

Heat crept up the back of Ray’s neck. “I was imitating you!” He shoved his hands in his pockets and frowned. “Geez, I knew it was bad but –”

“It was rubbish!” Gavin cackled as he shut the door closed behind him. He looped his arm around Ray’s and gave him a sly look. “It was a cute attempt though.”

The heat crawled up Ray’s neck and settled in his ears. “Yeah positively adorable.” He mumbled, trying to avoid making eye contact with Gavin.

“Aw, don’t be like that, Ray,” Gavin tugged and they were walking arm in arm. “I was only joking.”

“Where are we anyway?” Ray wasn’t trying to change the subject (okay he was but), he had noticed the stacks and stacks of books populating the shelves surrounding them as they walked.

Gavin opened his mouth to answer but suddenly shut it with a click as he shoved Ray in another aisle. Ray tried to protest, but his flailing and fighting didn’t do much but land him on the ground. Something in his backpack dug into his ribs. As he blinked the stars out of his eyes, his vision was filled with Gavin’s face. Gavin had apparently landed on top of him, judging by the heavy weight on Ray’s chest.

Their faces were inches apart and Gavin’s breath was hot and heavy against Ray’s lips. Ray could only vaguely register the sensation because he was too busy staring into Gavin’s eyes.

They were green. They were green and blue and hazel and Ray couldn't place what they reminded him of. Whatever it was, be it sea or field or galaxies, Ray was lost. Gavin's gaze was nothing but an ardent vastness and Ray was hopelessly lost in it. He would gladly drown in that gaze, Ray realized. He would drown and splutter and suffocate, thanking God the whole way down.

He should look away.

He should push Gavin off.

He shouldn’t be so comfortable with the warmth and weight heavy on his chest. He shouldn’t feel a familiar heat settle in the pit of his stomach.

He should clear his throat.

He should say something.

Anything.

"Uh." Ray said. His chest felt tight but it was probably because Gavin was pressed up against him, warm and heavy and staring so intently.

Gavin slowly blinked as though processing some newfound information that Ray had so eloquently and graciously provided.

Then the world kicked into overdrive and everything was moving too fast. Gavin pushed off of Ray and shot up. "Library!" He harshly whispered. The statement seemed so arbitrary that Ray was thrown off guard. "We're in the library." Well that explained the whispering. Ray stood up and brushed himself off.

"Wait, we have a library?" His voice was shaky, his hands were shaky, but he did his best to ignore it.

Gavin loudly shushed him, placing a hand over Ray’s lips to keep him quiet. Ray’s mouth was still half open and he got a mouth full of salty fingers. He had half a mind to bite them. “Would you tell me what’s going on?” His words were muffled, but Gavin understood him nonetheless.

Gavin slid some of the books on the shelf to one side and pointed through the gap he made. Ray rolled his eyes. Oh, so they were still doing the spy thing. Stepping in front of Gavin, Ray peered through the space between the books.

There were tables on the other side of the bookshelf. They looked like they made up a study area. Seated at one of the tables were two people, intensely concentrating on the books and papers strewn about them.

“That’s the president and vice president of the Student Council. If this school were a matriarchy, they’d be the Queen and King.” Gavin's breath was hot against Ray's ear.

“Monarchy.” Ray said.

“What?”

“I think the word you’re looking for is monarchy.” Ray swatted Gavin away. His breath was distracting.

Gavin leaned back with a slight frown. “No, I mean matriarchy. Kat would be in charge.”

The girl who was sitting on the right, her hair in a sloppy blonde bun on the top of her head, looked over at the bookshelf Ray and Gavin were hiding behind. “Damn right I would be. Now are you boys going to keep stage whispering over there, or actually come out and talk to us?”

Gavin looked sheepish as he shuffled out from behind the shelf. Ray followed. “You could hear us?”

“You’re doing a pretty bad job of being quiet.” The boy who was sitting across from Kat dog-eared a page in his book before looking up at the pair. “What do you want anyway?”

Gavin’s face practically lit up as he remembered why he and Ray were skulking around the library in the first place. “Well.” He clapped his hands and rocked on his toes, taking a deep breath. “Geoff told me to tell you that Jack told him that Joel needed to ask you and Kat if-”

“Nope.” Matt closed his book and began packing up. “If there’s going to be smoking tonight, I don’t want to hear about it. “ He stands up from the table. “At least then I’ll have plausible deniability.”

He walked away and Kat started hurriedly packing her things up. “Look, Joel can do whatever he wants but I’m not taking the heat if he gets caught. Tell him to keep it cheap and simple. No funny business.” She finished throwing her books in her bag and headed after Matt. “Hullum, slow down! We still have to talk about the homecoming budget!”

Ray and Gavin watched the two leave before Gavin ran a hand through his hair and chuckled. “Well that wasn’t a ‘no’ so I think we did pretty well.” He looked over at Ray and smiled wide. “I’d call that a successful mission.”

Ray didn’t quite understand Gavin’s definition of a success.

____________________

It was close to 5 and Ray still didn’t know what he should wear to the party. He was standing in the middle of the bedroom floor in a half buttoned dress shirt and his boxers. “So you’re saying this one isn’t okay either.”

Gavin was lying upside down on his bed. He had been ready half an hour ago, but kept vetoing just about every outfit Ray had put on thus far. Popping a handful of jelly beans in his mouth, he chewed thoughtfully before speaking. “What I’m saying is, you can wear that if you want to look like a d-bag.”

The last outfit had made him look like an asshole, this one apparently made him look like a douchebag, and Ray couldn’t really tell the difference between either look. He threw his hands in the air, utterly exasperated. “Says the guy who’s wearing a shirt that’s two sizes too small.”

“That’s just how I like them to fit!” Gavin squawked, offended that Ray of all people would comment on his wardrobe choices. “It’s not even that small, Ray. I’m sure you could…” Gavin sat up and practically vaulted off the bed. Swinging open the closet door, he surveyed the shirts he had hanging up. “Why didn’t I think of this ages ago?” He grabbed one shirt in particular, yanking it off the hangar, and tossed it at Ray. “This shirt and your dark jeans will look absolutely top together.”

Ray decided to give in rather quickly. This was the first clothing combo that Gavin had showed a positive interest in. Plus, as Ray pulled the new shirt on, it smelled like a mix of Gavin’s body wash and fabric softener. Once fully dressed, and with Gavin’s elusive seal of approval, Ray was ready to awkwardly stand around while a bunch of people he didn’t really know got drunk.

“You’ll have fun, Ray. Promise.” Gavin tried to assure him as they rode the elevator up to the next floor. As Ray fiddled with the collar of his shirt (not his – Gavin’s), a sweet and earthy smell wafted over him and his panic subsided. Yeah, everything was going to be alright.

____________________

So as it turned out, pregaming _was_ in fact exactly like getting drunk except not. It was like the prologue in a novel about alcohol consumption. Gavin and Barbara were really excited about it. Ray wasn’t even sure how Michael and Caleb had scored alcohol in the first place.

“There’s a town a few bus stops over.” Caleb made a face after taking another shot of vodka. “There are two liquor stores that we usually hit up. One doesn’t card. Like ever.”

Barbara stumbled over and slammed her shot glass on the desk where they had set up their makeshift bar. As Caleb refilled her glass, Barbara flipped her hair and looked at Ray. “The other store has this one guy who works there sometimes who’s a total pushover.”

Caleb snorted as he handed Barbara her glass. “If by pushover you mean ‘total perv who will sell anything to a girl with a pretty face’, then yeah. Total pushover.”

Barbara threw her had back and downed her shot effortlessly. She then shrugged, handing her shot glass back to Caleb. “I don’t hear you guys complaining when me and Kara come back with something other than fucking Natty Light.”

Caleb conceded that she made a good point, so he filled both of their glasses and made a toast to the occasion. Ray sipped at his cup of tap water and wandered over to where Gavin was racing Lindsay in Mario Kart. It was obvious he was losing because he kept trying to slap her controller out of her hand.

“Gavin, stop cheating!” Lindsay squealed as she tried to hold her controller out of Gavin’s reach. “You haven’t even finished your beer, you turd!”

“Geez, way to fucking lose gracefully, Gavin.” Michael sipped at his own opened beer as he idly watched Lindsay cream Gavin at a less than friendly game of Drunk Driving.

Gavin pouted as Lindsay’s character crossed the finish line. She shook her beer can to show that it was empty. “Booyah! I win.”

Ray bit back a laugh and Gavin spun his head to look as Ray tried to stifle his laughter in his cup. Gavin’s face was a little red and his eyes were a little glassy and he gave a lopsided smile. “Having fun, Ray?” Ray didn’t get a chance to answer because Barbara bumped into Gavin as she bounded passed him and swung her arms over Lindsay’s shoulders.

“Come on, let’s go already!” She whined, burying her face into Lindsay’s neck. “It’s almost 8!”

“Shit, really?” Michael pulled out his phone to check the time. The numbers ‘7:55pm’ shone brightly up at him from the bright screen of his phone. “I guess we can head out then.”

Lindsay turned off the television and game console. “Whatever, we’ll just be fashionably late like the classy motherfuckers we are.” She plucked Gavin’s half full beer can out of his hands as she headed for the door.

Gavin protested loudly as he followed her and Ray clumsily placed his cup down on the desk and hurried to keep up.

____________________

The night air was still thick with heat and heavy with humidity, but the setting sun had taken a most of the heat with it below the horizon. The walk to the soccer field was loud and jovial. They talked about everything and nothing.

“Yeah so basically, my parents are assholes.” Lindsay said casually. She and Barbara were walking hand in hand next to Ray and Gavin. Michael and Caleb were a few feet away trying to pull a manhole cover out of the ground. “They were worried about preserving my femininity or whatever. So they made me quit softball and enrolled me here in the seventh grade.” Ray had kind of lost track of how they got on the topic of why they were all at this school, but he wasn’t going to turn down chance to learn more about these weird kids he had ended up being surrounded by.

“So is that why you were the boy’s uniform instead of the skirt?” Ray had noted that many girls chose to wear khaki skirts as an alternative to the pants. And with the torturous heat, Ray couldn’t blame them. Plus Lindsay came off as the vindictive type.

Sure enough Lindsay gave Ray a sly smile and bumped his shoulder with hers. “Well you’re quite the observant one, Ray.” Michael and Caleb were still struggling with the manhole and were slowly being left behind. Ray wondered if they should slow their pace, but no one else seemed to mind or care. “Yeah, part of it’s to piss them off, but I mostly just wear pants because I like them more than skirts.”

Barbara twirled her hair thoughtfully. “I think my brother’s wanted me here to protect my purity.”

Lindsay choked back a laugh but Ray just looked confused. “What?”

Barbara let go of Lindsay’s hand and grabbed her own boobs. “These showed up like halfway through middle school. Distracting as shit when you’re twelve.” She bounced them around for a bit before Lindsay took one of her hands and linked their fingers again. “Kissing boys basically became my favorite pastime and my brothers freaked the fuck out.”

Gavin looped his arm around Ray’s neck, his breath smelling of alcohol. “And you already know my folks wanted me out of the way so they could divorce.” His cheek was pressed against Ray’s, soft and sticky and warm, “It’s like we’re inmates going on about what we’re in for. Let’s change the topic.”

At that moment, Caleb and Michael dragged over the trophy of their hard work. “Look what we got!” Michael said. The cover was heavy enough that each of them had to grab a side and use their combined strength to carry it. Michael looked awfully proud of himself. Caleb looked eternally amused. “What do we do with it now?”

“You didn’t plan this far ahead?” Ray asked.

“We didn’t plan this far ahead.” Caleb confirmed.

They eventually settled for setting it in the grass next to the manhole where they pried it from. Gavin mused about what the point of all that effort was but Lindsay told him it was better not to ask.

Caleb and Michael then swung around lampposts in an attempt to reenact the titular number from _Singing in the Rain_ , succeeding in nearly busting their faces on the concrete.

By the time their little group made it to the soccer field, all newly laid sod and athletic field paint, it was nearing 8:45.

Geoff waved lazily at them as they approached. “It’s about time you dicks showed up.” He was lounging next to Ryan on a blanket in the grass. The neck of a beer bottle was loose in his grip as he took a swig.

Ryan sat up, wrapping his arms around his knees. “Don’t mind him. We’re still missing a few others actually.” He nodded towards a cluster of coolers lying a few feet away. “Drinks are over there if you want ‘em.”

The group dispersed, Gavin and Michael headed over to the coolers while Lindsay, Barbara, and Caleb made a beeline towards an open space in the grass. Ray stayed put, taking in the scene. He looked around at the other people sitting around on the field. Across from Geoff and Ryan, Ray recognized Matt and Kat, the two Student Council members he had met a few hours ago. Seated next to them were three people Ray didn’t know.

There was a guy with broad shoulders and curly hair who was waving his hands around as he talked excitedly. His friend, with dark hair, glasses, and an irritated expression, periodically interrupted his story with pointed questions. Leaning against the second boy was a blonde girl who was clearly bored with the conversation. She plucked pieces of grass from the ground and placed them in the dark haired guy’s lap.

“Kara, would you fucking stop already?” The irritated look deepened as he brushed the grass from his lap. He turned to look at her and she innocently batted her eyes up at him. “That’s really fucking annoying.”

She pushed off the boy’s shoulder and swiped his beer from his slack grip. “Well Burnie’s story is really friggin’ boring, so...”

The boy who had been telling the story, Burnie, placed his beer down in the grass and folded his hands. “Well I’m sorry I was boring you, Kara. Would you like to tell us a more interesting story?” He looked from Kara to the other boy, hands still folded in mock civility. “What about you, Gus? I would love to hear what Kara finds interesting.”

Gus pushed up his glasses and gave Kara a smug look. “Yeah go ahead, Kara. Fucking go for it.”

Kara pouted into the lip of her stolen beer bottle. “You guys are jerks.”

Ray didn’t get a chance to hear the rest of the conversation because Gavin trotted up behind him, arms full of cans and bottles of alcohol. Ice water ran down his arms and, if they weren’t outside, Ray was sure he would have been making a mess. “You wanna meet them?” Gavin asked as he continued to stroll over to the trio without waiting for an answer. “Burnie,” He pointed his foot at the boy with the broad shoulders. “Gus,” He pointed at the irritated boy, who swatted Gavin’s foot away, nearly causing Gavin to drop everything. “And Kara.” The girl looked over at Ray and gave him a once over. She looked confused and tilted her head.

“Gavin, isn’t that your shirt?”

Gavin shifted the goods in his arms. “Yeah, but it looks better on Ray I think.”

Kara tilted her head the other way as she continued to appraise Ray’s look. She nodded approvingly. “Agreed.” She said before taking a sip from her beer.

Gavin nodded towards the spot where Michael and the others were waiting. “C’mon. They’re going to get pissy if we don’t hurry up.”

Kara waved them off, chirping happily with a “Goodbye, Ray!” as they walked the ten feet over to where Lindsay was waving them over.

Gavin ended up dropping a few of the cans he was holding, and Michael loudly fussed at him when one landed in Michael’s lap. Gavin just giggled as he clumsily sat down. Once they had splayed out their stash and divvied up who wanted what, they all quieted down.

In the warm night air, under a blanket of stars, and surrounded by lazy conversations all around, Ray found the whole situation kind of relaxing. The pungent smell of alcohol was lost in the occasional breeze that passed through. Ray leisurely sipped on the Coke Gavin had grabbed for him. It was kind of nice to be surrounded by these people, Ray thought.

Then Caleb and Michael dared Gavin to do a backflip. Gavin took that as a personal offense for whatever reason. He was usually the one who was dishing out dares than accepting them. Ray chalked it up to being drunk.

As Gavin stood up and got in a ready stance, swaying dangerously as he did so, Ray realized that no one was going to stop this. He figured it was up to him to be the voice of reason.

“Uh, dude. Maybe you should let this one go.” Ray leaned forward and touched Gavin’s leg, hoping to ground him and pull him out of the moment. “If you wind up breaking something, I’m gonna be stuck nursing you back to health. And I refuse to give you sponge baths.”

Michael laughed and clapped a hand on Ray’s back. “Good one, Ray. Either he breaks something or kicks one of us in the face with his long ass legs.”

Gavin pondered over their words for a bit before gracelessly plopping down in the grass next to Ray. “Fair enough, Ray.”

“Heeeey!” A few people looked to see two guys were walking across the field towards the group. They were both pretty tall, one was thick and the other rail thin.

“Jack!” Gavin exclaimed as he threw his arms in the air. “I haven’t seen you almost all week!”

The thick one, the one who had spoken, had a backpack swung over one of his shoulders. He smiled softly and shifted the strap of his bag. “I’ve been busy, Gavin.”

“Yeah busy being boring.” The thin one rolled his eyes as they slowed down to a stop. He had a hoodie on which was totally ridiculous considering the heat.

“Shut up, Joel.” Jack said, taking off the backpack and gingerly placing it by his feet.

“Hey don’t tell me to shut up. I’m the one with the stash.”

Just about everyone perked up at that comment. All conversation halted and everyone looked at the pair with renewed interest.

“Wait did you really get it?” Geoff, who had been lying on his back, sat up and looked at Joel intensely. “I thought for sure you were bluffing.”

Joel looked positively offended. He shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and pulled out two sandwich baggies. “Does this look like a bluff to you, Geoff? Does it?”

“Holy shit.” Burnie said.

Ryan let out a low whistle.

Kara’s eyes flicked from the bags to Joel’s face. “You’re totally sharing that right?”

“No Kara, I’m going to smoke all of this by myself – of course I’m sharing!”

“Geez, no need to be a brat about it.”

Ryan cleared out his and Geoff’s empty bottles to make space for Jack and Joel. “How much did that even cost?”

Jack sat down and accepted the beer that Geoff silently offered him. “Too much. Which is weird considering how much of a miser Joel is.”

Joel slid in next to Jack and tossed a bag at Ryan, who fumbled it a bit before handing it off to Geoff. “You can never pay too much for a good time.” He took Jack’s beer and took a swig. Once finished, he made a face and gave it back to Jack. “Plus Geoff pitched in. And you paid for half.”

Jack had been looking at his returned beer with disgust, contemplating if it was even worth drinking at this point. Joel’s comment caught his attention. “Wait, I did what?”

Judging by the face Joel made, he hadn’t really intended to let that part slip. “Yoooou…left your wallet on the bathroom sink and paid for half of the weed?” He tried.

“Goddammit Joel. You totally owe me for that.”

Pulling out a handful of what looked to be packs of gum out his pocket, Joel shook his head. “Nah.” He leaned forward to look at Geoff and offered him the packs, “Also I got rolling papers because I didn’t know if you needed them.”

In the little time between being handed the baggie and Jack finding out he had paid for the bag’s contents, Geoff had managed to set up a makeshift work area. He had his own paper out and was already rolling. “Naw, I’m good.” He was intensely focused on his handiwork. “Holy shit, dude. This is like some top shelf shit. Where did you even get it?”

Joel shrugged and leaned to his other side to grab Jack’s backpack. “Trade secret. We brought our bong too.” He opened the bag and pulled out a glass contraption that reminded Ray of a lamp. God he was such a square. “But we’re not smoking all of this tonight, alright? That’d be a waste.”

“Yeah yeah of course” Jack took the bong from Joel and sat it between his legs, “Let’s hurry up and pack this and get started.”

Kat stood up and walked over to the cooler. As she grabbed a beer from the icy slurry, she gave Joel a look. “I already told Gavin to tell you that you’re on your own with this.”

Joel looked up at her doe-eyed. “Aw, you sure you and Matt don’t want to take a hit?”

“I’m not smoking.” Kat frowned at Matt as she made her way back to where she was sitting. “And what happened to ‘plausible deniability’?”

Matt raised his eyebrows, taking a sip of beer. “I’m not even here right now, I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

When everything was settled, Gavin, Barbara, Caleb, Lindsay, and Michael wound up passing two joints around their little circle. Geoff and Ryan shared their own joint, holding the smoke for a time before blowing white smoke upwards towards the stars. Burnie, Gus, and Kara were passing around a joint in between taking sips of their beer. Kara would periodically crawl over to where Jack and Joel were taking hits from their bong and join in before heading back over to Gus and Burnie. Kat and Matt hung back, satisfied with simply drinking and watching events unfold.

Michael offered one of the joints to Ray after taking a hit. The tip was burning dangerously low. “You sure you don’t want to try?” Smoke escaped from between Michael’s lips as he spoke.

Ray eyed the joint warily. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to.” Caleb said. He passed the other joint to Lindsay and exhaled harshly.

Gavin’s eyes were glassy and bloodshot, but something in them lit up as he looked to Ray. He reached across and took the joint from Michael, taking a quick hit. “Joel only gets the good stuff.”

Barbara twirled her hair and patiently waited for Gavin to finish his turn. “It’s not laced with anything so it won’t fuck you up too bad.”

Lindsay passed the second joint to Michael, who took a slow, long hit. Ray’s hand was resting in the grass between him and Gavin when Gavin slid his fingers so that they nestled in the spaces between Ray’s fingers. Gavin’s hands were hot and still sticky with alcohol he had spilled earlier.

“Okay, yeah. I’ll do it.” Ray’s throat was dry, but Gavin’s fingers were locked with his in the grass and something akin to courage flickered in his gut.

Michael handed him the joint and Ray took it with his free hand. Placing the tip to his mouth, Ray said a quick prayer in his head and inhaled. His eyes watered and he spluttered and choked as he passed the joint to Gavin.

There was a shrill giggle from Gavin and boisterous laugh from Michael. Lindsay reached across the circle and placed a hand on Ray’s knee. Barbara, with a joint hanging from her lips, warily watched Ray continue to sputter. They weren’t doing a very good job at stifling their giggles.

“You good, dude?” Caleb looked concerned and offered him a drink from his beer. Ray waved him off.

“Yeah I’m good.” He wiped the bit of spit that had trailed down his chin and made a face. "I…don't really feel any different though."

Michael ran his finger around the rim of his bottle. "Yeah well it _is_ your first. That's pretty normal. Just give it time, man."

They didn’t get a chance to settle back into the chill pace of the evening before a trio of boys came stumbling across the field. Ray recognized the shortest as Kerry, the boy he had met on Monday. The second shortest had dark hair and a calculating look that screamed sobriety. The tallest was drunk. Very clearly, very obviously drunk.

“All that I’m saying, Monty,” The drunken boy slurred as he leaned heavily on Kerry’s shoulder. “Is that’s no reason to not use my idea. I think it’s very unique and-”

“Ridiculous?” Monty pulled on the drunken boy’s shoulder so that all of his weight wasn’t on Kerry.

“ _Revolutionary_.”

“Oh my God Miles shut up. You’re so wasted right now that just smelling your breath makes me dizzy. Do you even hear yourself talking?” Kerry was clearly agitated and sober. He lightly shoved Miles to put some distance between the two of them and Miles veered sharply to one side. Miles fussed about how rude the two of them were being.

Gavin’s breath was hot in Ray’s ear as he whispered, “That’s Monty and the wasted one is Miles. I helped them and Kerry with their film project a few days ago.”

“Yeah I remember.” Ray didn’t bother pushing Gavin’s face away. The closeness felt kind of nice.

Monty split away from Kerry and Miles, choosing to sit next to Burnie. “Sorry we’re so late. Miles decided he wanted to pregame by drinking with Kyle and a couple of other people.” Adjusting his black gloves, Monty shrugged. “We would’ve been here earlier, but Miles kept trying to do handstands on literally every flat surface we passed.”

Miles plopped down behind Barbara so that their backs were touching. Judging by how Barbara frowned and leaned forward, he had put all of his weight on her. “Miles get off.” She couldn’t be bothered to be too angry and Miles couldn’t be bothered to sit up straight for too long. He slowly slid to one side until he was completely lying down. His head bumped Caleb’s knee and he blearily looked up at him from the ground.

“’Sup Caleb.”

Caleb gently smiled, patting Miles’s cheek amiably. “Hey, buddy.”

Kerry stood over Miles’s prone form and sighed. “Just face it Miles, pregaming is an art.” He gave him a soft kick in the side before sitting down in the space between Caleb and Barbara. “It’s an art that you’re never going to master.”

Things settled down after that. There were lazy conversations and lazier rings of smoke mingling with the stars above. Geoff rolled another joint for their circle (with Joel complaining of course) and they passed it around. Ray’s second try at smoking went considerably better than his first. He didn’t sputter nearly as much and managed to hold it a bit longer. It went down smoother this time, the smoke curled around his tongue and licked at the roof of his mouth before he exhaled sharply. Michael gave an appreciative nod as Ray passed the joint on to Gavin.

They established a pattern and Ray didn’t –couldn’t – keep up with the conversation, but as time passed he cared less and less. Reality shifted a bit and Ray took another hit when Michael passed the joint his way.

Ray then passed the joint to Gavin, who took a hit and held it before passing along to Barbara. Instead of exhaling, Gavin leaned in close to Ray and just stared. His mouth dropped open a bit and the smoke was slowly creating wispy vapor trails that kissed Gavin’s lips before rising and dissipating in the night sky.

They were doing it again. Staring at each other for what had to be far too long but Ray was too caught up in the feeling of perfect stillness (for the Earth had stopped spinning ages ago) and the perfect silence and the perfect perfection that was Gavin Free's bloodshot gaze. Gavin exhaled all at once and Ray got a lungful of smoke but he didn't mind the distinct bitter smell of bud or Barbara's giggles that had managed to filter their way back into his senses. Even when the universe lurched back into motion, he was still reeling over the steadfast gaze of his roommate. And that was probably not a good thing, but everything was slowed down and it was hard to be anxious about anything when the world's sharp edges had gone all fuzzy and weird.

Gavin blinked rapidly and muttered something about getting another drink as he stood up. Ray settled back into the fog swirling around his head and whether the fog was from the smoking or the staring, he wasn’t sure. At the moment it was as if his head was packed full of trappings and thoughts and things and he could see them all with such clarity and obscurity at the same time. It was a weird feeling, Ray thought to himself as Gavin returned, sitting down next to him with what was probably too much alcohol. Ray meant to ask if Gavin was planning on drinking it all by himself, but he forgot.

____________________

It was around one when they decided to head back. Gavin was wasted. Gavin was beyond wasted. Ray may have been on the other side of sober at the moment, but even he knew Gavin was wasted. Michael helped Ray drag Gavin about halfway home before he remembered that his left his girlfriend behind. They were all a mess and Ray giggled into the crook of Gavin’s neck as they waited for the elevator to take them up to their floor. The lights were fluorescent and loud and bright and Ray was starving.

The elevator arrived with a ding. Ray dragged Gavin on. Gavin tried to protest for whatever reason that was beyond the both of them, but the boy’s words were so slurred that Ray couldn’t even pretend to understand. The lights on the elevator were as loud as the lights in the lobby. Gavin pushed himself off of Ray so that he could lean forward and rest his hands on his knees.

“Puke is gross.” Ray said. He had meant to tell Gavin to not vomit on the elevator, but that would just have to suffice for now. Ray realized he never pressed the button to take them to the right floor. He pressed a number, assumed it was the right one, and felt the ground lift up beneath him. Trippy.

Ray was still hungry when they stumbled into their room. His high was wearing thin and Gavin wouldn’t stop giggling. The kid didn’t even know what he was giggling about. When Ray tried to put Gavin to bed, Gavin dragged Ray down to the floor.

Ray tried to untangle himself to go crawl into his own bed – if Gavin wanted to sleep on the floor instead of on a mattress fine whatever – when Gavin’s giggling stopped. He looked at Ray with heavy lashes and put a hand on Ray’s cheek.

“Just stay until I fall asleep okay?” Gavin’s eyes were glassy and unfocused and Ray was sure his were red and bleary, but he nodded anyway and heard a faraway voice that sounded vaguely like his own.

“Yeah. Okay.”

Gavin smiled sleepily before stifling a yawn. He pulled Ray close enough that their foreheads were touching and Ray wondered about physical boundaries and synchronized heartbeats. Time passed (though Ray wasn’t sure how much time exactly) and Gavin’s eyes slid shut, his breathing evening out. Ray could leave, technically. He could slip out of the warmth of Gavin’s body and crawl into bed. He could put up a barrier of cool air between the blistering heat where they pressed against each other. He could. But he wasn’t sure he wanted to.

Ray waited. Ray waited before he leaned in close until he could feel Gavin’s breath bathing his lips in sticky warmth. He closed his eyes and sat like that for a minute, counting Gavin’s breaths.

In and out.

_(One)_

In and out.

_(Two)_

In and out.

_(Three)_

Something was screaming at Ray to lean forward those few precious centimeters and press their lips together. He could always blame it on the high that was quickly fading with each passing second. But something stronger won over. Something that harshly whispered that this wasn’t right. Something that told Ray to pull away. So he did. He pulled away and opened his eyes and Gavin’s sleeping face still looked perfect.

Gavin was beautiful. Ray came to the sudden realization that Gavin was beautiful and he had a raging gross crush on the guy. It was as if God himself had doused a bucket of icy celestial water over Ray’s entire being and everything in him suddenly ran cold. The high was quickly fading, the world was coming back into sharp focus, and Ray wanted to cry.

Lord have mercy on his soul.

____________________


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on November 10, 2013.

Ray could smell the stale alcohol in the air before he opened his eyes. He opened them with a frown, only to be greeted with the sight of Gavin’s nose inches from his face. Ray was one hundred percent sure that he had left Gavin on the floor last night, so why were they in Ray’s bed, their legs tangled together and Gavin’s warm breath bathing his face with residual alcohol? Ray tried to sit up, but Gavin was lying on his left arm. Flexing his fingers to see if he could still feel his hand through the pins and needles numbness, Ray idly wondered when Gavin would wake up. His mild musing was stopped short by a sharp memory cutting through the morning haze.

Ray had come to a realization last night. It flitted on the edge of his memory, and he tried to shove it back in the shadows where it belonged as he watched Gavin sleep. From so close up, Gavin had a pretty nice face. The late morning sunlight peered through the window and splashed across Gavin’s features in soft mottled shapes. It was a different kind of beauty from last night. Soft and demure and Ray really hoped Gavin would roll over already.

Instead, Gavin grunted and those butterfly lashes were fluttering open. Ray was caught in Gavin’s stare again, though it was sleepy and dazed. Gavin frowned when he realized he and Ray were in the same bed.

“Wha-?”

Ray flexed his fingers and tried to shrug. “You’re on my arm, dude.”

Gavin quickly sat up. Too quickly apparently, as he grabbed his head and swayed dangerously. Ray sat up too and tried to rub the tingling out of his arm. He eyed the swaying Gavin warily, “You’re not gonna puke are you?”

Gavin turned so that his back was to Ray and his feet hung off the edge of the bed. “Nah. Just a little hung over is all.” Gavin pushed himself off Ray’s bed and shuffled across the room, flopping down on his own mattress. “Think I’m hungry actually.”

Ray lay back down. His pillow smelled like cheap beer and sweet grass. “Seriously? I’d rather sleep in to be honest. Last night was…” Ray buried his face in his pillow and inhaled as he tried to find the right words. Beer, sweet grass, and sandalwood. He turned his head to the side and sighed, eyes squeezed shut. “It was something.”

“So how did you like your first party?” Gavin’s voice was muffled, so Ray assumed he was buried under his covers.

“It was definitely less beer pong and keg stands then I expected.”

Gavin giggled and Ray squinted one eye open to see his head pop out from a pile of sheets. His hair was an unruly mess. “Wait until homecoming. And the spring break party will be an absolute corker.” Gavin yawned. He lay down on his side, still wrapped tight under the covers. “So says Geoff.”

Ray doubted that Geoff would use the phrase ‘absolute corker’, but he understood Gavin’s sentiment. More or less.

Gavin yawned again. He shuffled for a little while, still wrapped up in his sheets. “So I guess you’ve met pretty much everyone who matters. Save Dan.”

“Who’s Dan?” This was the first time Ray had heard the name and something about the way Gavin said it made Ray feel weird.

Gavin tried his best to shrug under the sheets. If it was an attempt to be nonchalant, it wasn’t a very good one. “Only my best mate. Sucks he can’t be here though.”

There was more there, there had to be, because Gavin just drifted off into silence and got a really contemplative look on his face. Ray decided to keep his mouth shut on the matter. If Gavin wanted to talk about it, he would, right?

A lengthy silence settled between them. Ray tried his hardest not to fidget under the sheets. The silence shouldn't have felt as awkward as it did. How do you steer the conversation towards the fact that you kind of want to kiss your roommate who you've known for all of 7 days? Oh hey Gavin, you have a really pretty face and really soft looking lips and we should totally make out sometime? Not likely.

Ray cleared his throat, the earthy smell from his pillow burning on the back of his tongue. "So." Well that was a dumb move because he had nothing to follow it up with. Ray scrambled for a casual way to change the subject. Somehow, by the grace of God, there was a knock on the door.

"Who is it?" Gavin said. He had buried himself further under the covers, in no mood to move.

"Who else could it be this early in the morning, you fuck? Open the door."

Gavin dragged the sheets over his head and groaned. Ray took the responsibility of getting out of bed and letting Michael in.

Michael was surprisingly exuberant for someone who was as intoxicated as he was last night. "Hey losers, it’s like noon." He walked over to the lump that was Gavin and put his foot on the edge of the bed. "Let’s go get something to eat."

Gavin groaned in response, but Michael was having none of that. He bounced his leg on the bed and the Gavin lump rocked around.

"Michael!" There were limbs flailing about as Gavin attempted to free himself from his self-made fabric prison.

Michael just laughed and shot a look at Ray. "So how about you Puff the Magic Dragon? You coming with?"

Ray scratched the back of his neck and ignored the nickname. "Yeah just let me throw on clothes that don't smell like weed and beer real quick."

Michael stopped shaking the bed and the Gavin lump became eerily still. "Cool. I'll wait." He gave the bed one last kick for good measure. "Come on, Gavin. Quit playing dead already."

After untangling Gavin from his bed and quickly changing clothes, the boys were off to the building next door to pick up Lindsay and Barbara.

"So Ray," Michael rocked on his heels and watched the descending numbers above the elevator. "You trying out for the Christmas pageant?"

“Christmas? But it’s September.”

“Yeah and this is a Catholic school. If you haven’t figured it out already, Christmas is kind of a big thing around here, Ray.”

The elevator doors opened with a ding and Lindsay and Barbara walked off. They didn’t seem to notice the boys. Barbara was wildly waving her arms around and seemed agitated, “I'm just saying. You better get rid of them before Michael finds out or he’s gonna be pissed.”

“What am I gonna be pissed about, Barbara?”

Both girls spun around at the sound of Michael’s voice. Barbara’s face was sheepish as she gave a sidelong look to Lindsay. “Oops.”

Lindsay shoved her hands in her hoodie pockets and looked at Michael with her biggest and cutest eyes. “It’s nothing, babe. Barb’s just being overdramatic as usual.” She gave a pointed look at her friend. Barbara tried to hide behind a curtain of her hair. A small sound chirruped from the hood of Lindsay’s sweatshirt. To Ray, it sounded like a meow.

“What the fuck was that?”

Lindsay turned on her heel. “Nothing, now let’s go get food.”

“Dammit Lindsay, if that was a cat I swear-” Michael had stormed after her, but she was determined to wave him off.

“It wasn’t now let’s go-”

There was another meow, unmistakably catlike and unmistakably from Lindsay’s hoodie.

Barbara leaned against the wall, clearly resigned to keeping up the charade. “I told you bringing one to breakfast was a bad idea.”

“One?” Michael’s face was a weird mix of frustration and exasperation, “Please don’t tell me you’ve been hoarding multiple cats in your room.”

“Fine. Then I won’t tell you.”

“Lindsay!”

“What!?”

Michael stepped forward and put Lindsay’s face in his hands. They were a hair’s breadth away and Michael’s eyes bored right into Lindsay’s, though she looked miffed at the contact. “Lindsay.” Michael squeezed her cheeks and brushed his nose against hers. “Get rid of them or Lord help me, shit _will_ go down.” Lindsay groaned and rolled her eyes as she tried to pull away.

“You suck.”

In the end, they went to breakfast with the cat in tow. They ran into others at the cafeteria. Caleb, who had crashed at Kerry’s last night, was more focused on making a mountain out of his mashed potatoes than having a conversation. Joel was not enthused at being woken up so early just to get food and spent the time complaining that he and Jack had gorged on junk food last night so eating again was really all pointless. Jack ignored him while he and Kara spent time cooing endlessly over the cat. Kara took it as a personal affront that Michael would even suggest getting rid of it. Michael spent half the time glowering. Lindsay spent half the time sneaking food to the little black kitten she had smuggled in.

After an otherwise uneventful meal, Ray and Gavin were roped into kitty removal duty as sort of ambassadors to represent Michael, who had other things to do.

So that was why Ray and Gavin were standing in front of Lindsay and Barbara's door with Kara standing next to them and rocking on her heels.

"This is so sad, you guys. Like really sad." Kara pouted as she stared at the door. "Fun that we get to go into town, but sad that Linds has to get rid of the kitties."

"What I don't understand is how she bloody snuck them in in the first place. You'd think someone would've noticed." Gavin said as he ran a hand through his hair.

Ray refrained from pointing out that no one seemed to notice the drinking and smoking and general blasphemy, so sneaking in cats seemed really low key in comparison. He looked from Gavin to Kara and then stared at the door. "So is someone gonna knock or..."

Kara sighed, clenching her fist. "Here we go." For a girl of her stature, Kara sure did have a powerful knock and the resounding thuds of her fist hitting wood startled Ray. Her door pounding was quickly answered by Barbara, hair an unruly mess and face and neck littered with light pink welts.

"Hey guys!" She swung the door all the way open and the trio could see Lindsay shoved halfway under a bed. A cardboard box sat in the middle of the floor and in it nestled three cats, bright eyed and bushy tailed. "We need some help. Things have turned into quite a _cat_ -astrophe."

Gavin groaned and Ray and Kara grimaced. Lindsay’s feet kicked about from under the bed.

"Barbara, stop with the shitty puns and help me out over here!"

Barbara turned to Lindsay and Ray, Gavin, and Kara filed into the room. "I think you mean help _meow_ , Lindsay." The face Barbara made was one of pure satisfaction as Lindsay groaned pathetically.

Ray knelt down next to the box of cats. The black kitten from breakfast was in the box and looking up at him with big blue eyes, ears pulled forward and tail twitching. He put a hand out and pet the kitten’s head.

Kara had decided to be useful and had crawled under the bed with Lindsay but they seemed to not be making much progress judging by the squealing and screaming. Barbara stood next to Ray and looked down at the cats in the box. “I’m kind of going to miss these guys. They weren’t _purr_ -fect roommates, but...”

Ray picked up the black kitten and stood up as he rubbed its little head. He could see why someone would want to keep these little guys, they were adorable and soft and purred in his hand when he scratched it just right. He was so busy admiring the ball of warmth in his hands that he didn’t notice Gavin had sidled up next to him until Gavin’s chest bumped into Ray’s shoulder. Ray froze, but Gavin didn’t seem to notice as he reached to pet the cat Ray was holding.

Too close.

Gavin was standing way too close. Or at least Ray felt that Gavin was standing too close because he had become hyperaware of the space between him and his roommate after yesterday.

Yesterday was…weird.

Ray shoved the kitten into Gavin’s clumsy hands, refusing to make eye contact. “Here. Take it.” If Gavin noticed how stiff and awkward Ray’s movements were, he didn’t mention it and just accepted the handful of fluff. Ray shoved his hands in his pockets and stared down at the remaining cats in the box. One was a calico who was missing an eye. The other was a tabby and busy chasing its own tail. Ray tried to ignore Gavin’s cooing over the kitty and focused on the twitching ears and flicking tails of the remaining cats in the box.

“Wow, thanks for the help you guys.” Kara sucked at a few bloody fingers and walked over to Barbara. “Really helped us out over there.”

The mass of fur in Lindsay’s arms was not a cat. It couldn’t be a cat because aside from two yellow eyes, it was just a gray cloud that growled menacingly. Lindsay shifted the vibrating tangible smoke in her arms and sighed. “Yeah this cranky old bastard put up one hell of a fight.” She looked longingly at the kitten Gavin was playing with and glanced down at the kittens in the box. “You think they’ll be alright on their own?”

Barbara wrapped an arm around Lindsay’s shoulder and pulled her close. “They’ll be fine! They’ll be the cat’s meow at the shelter.” She gave Lindsay a reassuring shake and the angry old gray cat protested by growling louder. “Man, I feel like I'm really in my element here with these puns. That said, I would pre- _furr_ not to go to the shelter with you guys. As much fun as I'm having shooting the shit with you guys, I've got things to do." She placed a chaste kiss to Lindsay’s hair and the two stood like that for a moment. “We’ll do something fun when I get back. Like manicures or something. That’s fun, right?”

Lindsay solemnly nodded. Ray felt kind of bad. He understood where Michael was coming from: pets were forbidden in the dorms and expensive to own. But Lindsay looked genuinely heartbroken to have to part with her feline friends. He didn’t know how to go about comforting her though, so he bent down and picked up the box. “We should probably head out.” Smooth, Ray. Really friggin’ sympathetic.

Gavin put the black cat back in the box, but not before kissing its forehead and Ray briefly wished it was _his_ face that was lightly grazed by those lips. Ray shook his head and looked at Kara. “So where are we going again?”

Kara pumped both of her fists in the air as she declared, “To the bus stop!”

____________________

The bus stop that sat just inside the gates of the Academy’s campus was along the circuit of several different buses. The one that Ray had taken his first day was part of a different line and traveled in a different direction than the one that they were taking in to town.

The bus rattled along and Lindsay sat in a row by herself, saying a personalized goodbye to each cat. Gavin sat in the row behind her and absentmindedly ran his fingers through her hair in an attempt to provide comfort. Kara was seated across the aisle from both of them and watched silently, eyes big and mouth pinched in worry. Ray had made an effort to sit in the window seat next to Kara to avoid having to spend time with Gavin.

God, he hoped this whole crush thing was either a fluke or something he would get over quickly because every time Gavin looked at him or their hands brushed, Ray’s heartbeat would take off in a full blown sprint and he couldn’t catch his breath. It was exhausting.

Ray looked out the window and counted the trees that passed by in swirls of color. The trees became few and far between, slowly morphing into office buildings and gas stations. The bus pulled up to a weathered stop with a heavy screech of the brakes. The group of kids got off with a solemn air clinging to them overhead; one could practically hear the dirge that played with every step they took.

They entered the animal shelter with the same heavy aura and were greeted by a woman at the front desk. She seemed nice enough. She had soft eyes and gentle hands as she took the box from Lindsay. They would go to a nice home, she promised.

Kara looped her arm around Lindsay’s and fell into step next to her as they descended the shelter’s steps. “Let’s get ice cream. That’ll cheer you up.”

Lindsay groaned and dragged her feet, “This _sucks_. If we get ice cream, I want mine covered in chocolate syrup.”

“Well duh.” Kara said.

It was a comparatively cooler day than yesterday. The sky was a searing blue that brightened the warm colors of the changing leaves. A breeze, gentle and warm, caressed Ray’s face as it flew past. Ray closed his eyes as he walked, enjoying the weather. Then Gavin bumped their shoulders together and tried to hold Ray’s hand.

Ray jumped and pulled back as if he had been burned. When he looked at Gavin with wide, startled eyes, Gavin’s shoulders sagged and he visibly deflated. He dropped his hand to his side and frowned.

Shit.

Ray hadn’t meant to hurt the guy’s feelings. He tried to amend his actions and chuckled nervously, “You scared me, dude.”

“Sorry.” Gavin slunk off to walk next to Lindsay and Kara, leaving Ray to trail behind.

Ray sighed. He really wasn’t doing a great job of pretending everything was okay.

The ringing bell of the ice cream shop’s door dragged Ray out of his thoughts. The shop was small and quaint, with flyers advertising local events plastered across the windows. There was no one at the register but the door to the back room was propped open. Ray wondered what type of workers would leave the front of the shop unattended but, considering it was the end of September and essentially the end of ice cream season, he couldn’t really blame them. Various flavors lined the freezer next to the register, creating a rainbow of colors through the glass. As Ray tried to figure out what he was in the mood for, he heard Kara squeal.

“Hey guys, look at this!” Ray turned to look at her to see her waving around one of the flyers from the window. Her smile was bright and the corner of the paper was torn. “There’s a new bar opening up right down the street! We should totally go.”

Lindsay snorted as she leaned next to Ray against the freezer. “Yeah because no one will notice a troupe of underage highschoolers just strolling through the front door of a bar.”

Kara rolled her eyes. “It was just an idea.” She said, putting a hand on her hip. “Besides I’m sure there are tons of house parties around here. House parties that don’t check for id…” She ended in a singsong voice and waggled her eyebrows.

“Let’s ask Geoff.” Gavin was checking out the other flyers taped to the shop’s window, his back to Ray and Lindsay. “Seems like a good idea for Spring Break.”

“But what about Homecoming?” Kara asked as she waved the paper around.

Gavin pulled a particular flyer off the window and skimmed it. “I think Burnie and him already have a plan for that. I hear it’s supposed to be top, but,” He shrugged as he pocketed the flyer, “We’ll see.”

Kara accepted that as a valid answer and bounced over to the register. She slammed her hand down on the call bell on the counter. The resulting ring was shrill and loud, making Ray wince. There was a bang and yelp from the back room before someone emerged. Apparently the type of people who left the front of a shop unattended was bored looking teenagers. Made sense. The employee rubbed his eyes and asked the group what they wanted to order.

Once they ordered and paid for their frozen treats, the group of four sat on the benches outside of the store. Lindsay and Kara sat on a bench together and Ray sat on the one next to them. While Kara tried feeding Lindsay her mint chocolate chip, which Lindsay kept batting away with a giggle, Gavin awkwardly stood in front of the benches. He glanced from one to the other, clearly trying to figure out where he should sit.

“You know,” Ray said around a mouthful of ice cream. “You can sit next to me if you want.”

Gavin looked at Ray with a look that made Ray’s heart nearly break. Way to make a guy feel guilty. “You sure?” Ray was one hundred and ten percent sure that Gavin pouted as he said that.

Ray sighed and scooted over in what he hoped was a welcoming gesture, “Yeah, I’m sure. Now sit your bony ass down and stop looking at me like I just killed your dog.”

Gavin smiled and sat down. Ray shifted over enough so that their shoulders didn’t brush together. Gavin gave him a sidelong glance.

“Did something happen last night?”

Ray nearly choked on his ice cream. He spluttered and wiped at the chocolate dripping down his chin. “What? _No_ – Wha…?” Well that was about as smooth as the serrated edge of a knife.

Gavin was looking at him straight on now, his brows crinkled in worry. Oh God, he was totally awake when Ray almost kissed him last night, wasn’t he?

“I didn’t do anything dumb, did I? Nothing weird?” Gavin broke eye contact and stared at his melting cone. “I don’t remember much after Monty, Kerry, and Miles showed up.”

Oh. Well that was a relief.

“Nah, it’s cool. You were…you were fine. You were fine and nothing happened.” Right. Just play it cool, Ray. Gavin had zero reason to suspect that his roommate had actual, possibly romantic, feelings for him. Ray took a bite out of his ice cream. It chilled his teeth. “You were a total cuddlebug though.”

It was Gavin’s turn to almost choke on his ice cream. His ears turned bright red as he coughed. “Sorry about that.” He said, catching his breath. “I know it annoys Michael to bits when I get clingy. Did I ever tell you about the time Burnie actually left me on a hotel elevator?”

Ray chuckled and shook his head. There was that swift topic change again that Gavin excelled at. It seemed he was back to his old, chipper self and Ray was in for another story. Gavin put his hand on top of Ray’s – he had forgotten he had placed it between them – and stared into his eyes. He had a bit of ice cream on his chin.

Ray wanted to lick it off and he immediately hated himself for it.

Gavin, completely oblivious, launched into his anecdote, “Right. So, it was Spring Break of eight grade year…”

The way Gavin’s eyes lit up when he was telling the story made something twist deep in Ray’s gut. He ignored the searing heat of Gavin’s fingers wrapped tight around his and licked his dripping ice cream cone.

____________________


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on November 17, 2013.

It was cold when Ray woke up one morning. To be fair, it wasn’t _cold_ cold, but more of that refreshing sort of chilliness that hung in the air on perfect autumn days. It was the second week of October. The party was naught more than a memory now, swallowed whole by worries of homework and tests.

Ray had gotten pretty good about dealing with his crush, though he refused to acknowledge it as such. You don’t get crushes on your roommate. You just don’t. But, regardless of whether it was a crush or something less uncouth, Ray had pretty much mastered squashing those pesky butterflies in his belly.

Except for sometimes, in the dead of night, when the moonlight fell across Gavin’s face and he would look so beautiful and so perfect, Ray couldn’t help slipping his hand beneath his waistband and stroking himself until he spilled over. His body would burn from shame and arousal and when he came he could never tell if those were strangled moans or sobs dying in his throat.

School days passed, as school days were wont to do, and that autumn chilliness settled in Ray’s cheeks as he waited outside. He rubbed his hands together and shoved them in his pockets. Kerry, who was standing next to him, bumped their shoulders together.

“So then I told him that I didn’t even know that was a thing. And now Monty’s planning some big movie marathon and I’m just like: ‘really?’” Kerry fiddled with the hem of his sleeves, “You should totally come though. I meant to ask Gavin during class this morning but forgot. Tell him about it would ya?”

“So when is this marathon thing happening anyway?” Ray asked.

Kerry shrugged, “Dunno. But Monty’s on the case so it’s definitely happening. I’ll tell you the details when I know more.”

“Know more about what?” Miles walked up to the two with Barbara in tow.

Kerry splayed his fingers as he held out his hands, “Movie night!”

Miles perked up. “Not just any movie night, _anime_ movie night!”

Both Kerry and Miles wiggled jazz hands and made obnoxious noises at each other. Ray looked at Barbara, “Where’s Gavin?”

Barbara tugged at the strap of her bag. “Oh yeah, he pretty much dumped all his stuff on the ground when he picked up his backpack upside down. So me and Miles left him. He’ll be out in a sec.”

Moments after her statement, the heavy front door of the building creaked open. “Thanks for waiting for me there, Barb.” Gavin walked out of the swinging door looking frazzled. “’Preciate it.”

“No problem, buddy.” She gave Gavin a playful punch in the shoulder. “Anything for my Homecoming date.”

Ray’s heart stopped beating dead in its tracks. He had forgotten Homecoming was this weekend. That was honestly quite a feat because there were posters plastered on every wall of every classroom. But the fact still stood that the Homecoming dance was this weekend and Gavin was taking Barbara.

Gavin playfully shoved her away, telling her to shut up. Miles and Kerry started making kissing noises at the two. Barbara pulled a face and told them they were being gross, but Kerry responded in turn by swooning into Miles’s arms. There was laughter from the three of them and Gavin, between his giggles, told them to cut it out.

Ray really shouldn’t have felt like his world was falling apart. He had absolutely no right to feel anything bordering jealousy towards what Barbara and Gavin had.

But Ray felt resentful anyway. And it sucked.

Later that afternoon, when Michael and Lindsay were studying in Ray and Gavin’s room, the thought of Homecoming was still buzzing around the back of Ray’s mind.

He and Gavin were on his bed, Gavin lying across it so that his arms dangled over the edge. Ray sat cross-legged next to Gavin with a History textbook in his lap. Lindsay and Michael were on Gavin’s bed, their backs against the wall with the window. Their homework – notebooks, worksheets, and textbooks – lay in a forgotten disarray on the bed.

Lindsay hugged a stuffed cat to her chest. Michael had bought it for her to make up for the kitten incident a few weeks back. He had said that he knew it wasn’t the real thing, but after graduation, when they moved in together, they could get a real one. Maybe.

Only one though.

Lindsay had smiled and called him an idiot.

Currently, Michael was recounting the perilous and harrowing journey that he braved to try out for the Academy’s Christmas pageant. Lindsay buried her nose in the cat’s plush fur and watched Michael wave his arms about.

“So then the director calls my name. And all I have to do is sing a Christmas song. Literally any song will do. But I blank like an idiot, so I just open my mouth and hope for the best and what does my dumb ass sing? Friggin’ ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus’.” He leaned his head against the window pane with a thud. Lindsay laughed. “Like, I could have picked anything: ‘Holy Night’, ‘Little Drummer Boy’, ‘The First Noel’...but nope. I pick the song about some kid peeping on his parents mackin’ under the mistletoe and assumes there’s some seasonal adultery underfoot.” He sat up straight and waved a finger about with a grin, “But to be fair, I sang the shit out of that song and got a callback, so.” He shrugged. “If this doesn’t suck too bad, I’m actually thinking about trying out for the spring musical. It’s kinda cool being up on the stage and center of attention like that.”

“I didn’t know you were a musical theater buff, Michael.” Ray said, rolling his pen between his forefinger and thumb.

“Well y’know, how do you think I scored with Lindsay, man? I’m artistic. I have a sensitive soul.”

Lindsay squeezed the plush kitty in her grip and nudged Michael, “You’re not sensitive; you’re soft. And you break out into song all the goddamn time.”

“That’s because,” Michael looked over at Lindsay and leaned in close. “I have a dream. A wonderful dream, Lindsay.” Ray couldn’t place the tune Michael was singing but Lindsay pulled her face into a sour look.

“Isn’t that from _Glee_?”

Michael looked positively affronted, “Um excuse you. That was sung by Bette Midler and Liza Minnelli before _Glee_ was even a thing. How dare you.”

“Whatever. It’s better than you singing ‘Hey Big Spender’ to me whenever I buy you food.”

“What can I say, Linds? You are the music in me.”

Ray pointed excitedly, “Okay, I know that one! _High School Musical_ , right?”

Gavin looked at the three of them with a confused look, “You guys are all weird.” They had a good laugh at that and Michael pointed out the fact that if they were all weird, what did that make Gavin? Gavin considered this for a time before replying, “Normal.” Then the laughter started up again.

They didn’t get much studying done but the four of them had a fun time laughing and joking around. When Michael and Lindsay were packing up to head out, Lindsay tilted her head inquisitively, “Oh yeah, Homecoming’s this weekend. Who are you two going with?”

“I’m taking Barbara because last year we promised we’d go together.”

“I’m going by myself, I guess? I don’t really know anyone else besides you guys.”

“Aw, Gavin you should let Barbara go with Ray. He shouldn’t go to his first Academy dance by himself.” Michael said as he shouldered his bag.

“But me and Barb already have matching outfits and it’s already been a thing for like a year.” Gavin smiled at Ray, “Sorry, Ray. If I could, I’d totally take you instead.”

Ray’s hands were sweaty and he chuckled, “It’s alright. Save me a dance?” He was joking. At least he told himself he was joking, but when Gavin nodded at him with a full blown grin, Ray felt hope swell in his chest.

"Oh yeah, you're still coming to the after party right?" Michael held Lindsay's doll and helped her put on her backpack with one hand, "We're sneaking into the pool house around eleven."

"You sure the swim team won't mind?" Gavin asked.

"Nah. I mean, what the swim team doesn't know, won't hurt 'em."

Oh right, the Academy had an indoor pool. Gavin had pointed the building out to Ray once, but Ray had no reason to commit it to memory since he couldn't swim. He wondered if the fact that he sank like a rock in bodies of water that were deeper than he was tall would be a problem. He hoped not.

The group exchanged goodbyes and, with Michael and Lindsay out the door, the room grew quiet. Ray kicked at Gavin's prone form and told him to move to his own bed. Gavin complied, but only after raising a fuss and then moving his things with exaggerated exertion. They went back to doing homework as the day grew late and the room was draped in the deep oranges of the setting sun.

____________________

Late at night, blanketed in the silence of the moon and stars, Ray watched Gavin sleep. His mouth was slightly agape and a small snore would slip past his lips from time to time. Under the security blanket of nighttime, all dark rooms and penumbrae, Ray could admit to himself that he definitely had a crush on his roommate. And he was getting really creepy about it.

But this whole thing wasn't fair. Ray slid his hand under his pillow where his Bible was placed. The cool cover of the book bit into the hot flesh of his palm. This wasn't fair. This wasn't part of Ray's plan. He was supposed to go to school, graduate, and make his mom proud. Nowhere in that plan was there room for Gavin Free.

Gavin snorted suddenly. Ray froze. He didn't know why he held his breath, because he wasn't really doing anything wrong per se. Not yet, anyway. But when Gavin kicked off his blankets, revealing his shirt pulled up just above his nipples and his boxers tugged low on his hips, Ray felt that familiar heat blossoming in his gut.

There was twitching in his pajama pants and Ray pushed down on his growing erection with the heel of his hand and bit his bottom lip. No. He can’t do this. Not again. This was getting more and more stalker-y and awful and ridiculous and it was starting to eat at his conscious a little.

But he waited for Gavin's breathing to return to a slow and steady rhythm all the same before pulling his hand from under his pillow and slipping it beneath his own waistband. Taking himself in hand, Ray rubbed a thumb over the tip of his dick. He bit down even harder on his bottom lip and briefly wondered if he would make himself bleed one of these nights. Slowly pumping the length of his shaft, the thought faded into a pit of arousal as Ray curled his toes. His stroke slowly sped up, tip to base and back again, while he cupped and lightly squeezed his balls. He wasn't keeping the steadiest rhythm and his breathing was shallow and strained as he tried to keep quiet. He never took his eyes off of Gavin. Not until the moment his hips clumsily jerked forward and he threw his head back into his pillow, cumming in his hand. The noise he made was strangled – wanton and pathetic – and as Ray lay there, catching his breath and feeling the shame set in, he knew he would have to get out of bed to clean up. But for the moment he merely wondered if all of this was a test of God that he was doomed to repeatedly fail.

____________________

The day of Homecoming was abuzz with high energy all around campus. Every dorm and dining hall felt on edge with a nearly tangible excitement.

Ray straightened his red tie in the mirror hanging on the closet door. Smoothing down the front of his dark dress pants and giving himself one last once over, he nodded in approval. Gavin was standing behind him, still struggling with the green tie looped around his neck. Ray watched him struggle with the slick fabric in the reflection of the mirror.

“Need a little help there?” He said with a raised eyebrow.

Gavin looked up and stared Ray down in the mirror. Ray smirked. Gavin continued to glower. “No,” He lied.

Ray let himself chuckle at the attempt to save face and turned around, taking the fabric into his own hands. He deftly tied the tie with the sort of precision his mother had taught him. He surveyed his handiwork after he was done. It was good enough. Gavin sidestepped him and looked at himself in the mirror. “Pretty good.” He said. Ray tried not to beam at the compliment.

They met up with Michael and Caleb in the building’s lobby just as Kerry and Miles exited the neighboring elevator. They exchange salutations and compliments before joining up with Lindsay and Barbara.

Barbara spun in a circle, the hem of her green dress twirling gracefully. The color matched Gavin’s tie, Ray noted, and that was most definitely not jealousy gnawing at his soul because Barbara was a great girl and Gavin had already said they were just friends. And even if they weren’t, realistically, what could Ray do about it? “Who's supposed to be DJing this thing again? Is the music supposed to be any good?”

“It better be,” Lindsay twirled a ringlet of her hair, curls cascading down from her updo. “I think they got some university student from down the road.”

Michael slipped his hands around Lindsay’s waist with a smirk, “Oh, so if the music’s shitty enough, you’re not going to dance with me?” He picked her up and spun her around; her dress was reminiscent of a rolling wave as it rippled and flowed, the blue color complementing Michael’s tie.

Lindsay laughed as Michael gently placed her back on the ground. “Eh, we’ll see.” She gave him a quick peck on the nose.

Miles gagged, “Ugh how can two people be so sickeningly cutesy? It’s gross.”

Lindsay and Michael simultaneously told him to shut up.

When they entered the gymnasium, the walls were covered in decorations while colorful streamers and balloons hung from the ceiling. The lights were low and the pounding sound of the music drowned out every stray thought in Ray’s head and rattled his bones. This was going to be fun.

Miles and Kerry immediately took to the dance floor, Miles exclaiming that he loved the song that was currently booming over the speakers. Barbara followed after them and dragged Lindsay along. Gavin put his hands on Michael’s shoulders and started to steer him towards the group of their dancing friends. He looked back at Ray, “You coming?”

Ray shook his head no and pointed over to the snack bar, “Maybe later.”

Gavin shoved Michael forward, who spit a few choice words, and smiled, “Alright, but don’t think I forgot that dance.”

Ray meandered over to the tables that were neatly lined up together and stacked with food and drinks. He picked up a handful of pretzels and tossed them in his mouth, chewing thoughtfully as he looked over at the other items that were spread out. On one of the tables lined with a plain white tablecloth, sat three bowls of what Ray assumed was punch. He picked up a cup and wondered what the difference between the three of them was.

Someone bumped Ray’s shoulder, jostling him from his thoughts, “You having fun?” Caleb yelled over the music. His pink tie was flipped over one shoulder as he poured red punch in a paper cup. Ray nodded, then, realizing Caleb couldn’t see him nodding, leaned in and shouted that yeah, he was having a great time. Caleb grinned. Finished filling his cup, he offered the ladle to Ray, who graciously accepted it. Caleb tipped the bill of his baseball cap before he left. Ray wasn’t sure he had ever seen the kid without that hat.

As he was filling up his cup, he caught a sharp smell in his nose. Ray blinked a few times because though the smell was familiar, he couldn’t quite place it and didn’t know where it was coming from. He looked down at the bright red punch rippling in the bowl and swirled the little bit of liquid in his cup. Placing his nose to the rim of the paper cup, Ray inhaled. He almost choked. Alcohol. Someone had spiked the punch with alcohol.

It was at that moment that Gavin sauntered up beside Ray with an easy grin. “What’s that face for?” Ray shook his head and held out his cup to Gavin. With a quirked brow, Gavin took the drink from him and took a sip. Both of his eyebrows rose into his hairline and he licked his lips. “Ah.”

Yeah ‘ah’ was right. How someone had even snuck alcohol in with all of the adults milling about was beyond Ray. He looked at the other bowls that lined the table. Aside from the red punch that was clearly chockfull of booze, there was a bowl of blue punch and a bowl of green.

Gavin grabbed the ladle resting in the blue bowl, “Surely they can’t all be spiked.” He picked up an empty cup and filled it with the punch. He took a swig and made a face. “Okay so that one’s whiskey,” He moved down the table and tested the green bowl. “But I think this one’s clean. Pure punch goodness.” Gavin handed Ray the cup he had filled with green punch and turned to head back to the dance floor.

Ray chose to stand off to the side of the dance floor, leaning against the wall with the warm paper cup in his hands. At some point Monty stumbled up to the wall Ray was occupying, forehead glistening and black tie pulled askew. He leaned against the wall and looked over at Ray. “’Sup.” Ray nodded and held out the half empty cup of punch. Monty accepted it with a “thanks” and chugged the drink down. “You gonna dance?” He asked once he caught his breath.

Ray shook his head, “Nah. Not really my thing.”

Monty shrugged, crumpling the flimsy paper cup and tossing it in the nearby trashcan, “You don’t have to be any good. Just have fun.” Then Kerry bounded over, dragging Miles in tow by the sleek fabric of his yellow tie, and Monty was off to the dance floor again.

The evening continued on pretty much the same way. Ray milled about the gym’s perimeter and ended up striking up conversations with a number of people. It wasn’t until late in the night when Michael forcibly dragged Ray to the middle of the floor. Ray protested as best he could, but Michael, a little drunk and caught up in the moment, was having none of that. A song that Ray didn’t recognize began blaring over the speakers and Michael started jumping up and down.

“Come on, man!” He screamed, his curls bouncing around as he danced, “Don’t just stand there like a loser!” Ray was trapped on all sides by bodies; people were dancing wildly and bumping into each other every which way. He must have looked absolutely panicked because Michael stopped jumping around and frowned. “Dude, you’re thinking about it too hard. Just move your body, man! Feel the music and find a rhythm. Or don’t, if you wanna dance like that idiot,” Michael giggled and pointed at Gavin a few feet away. He and Barbara were dancing across from each other, though using the word “dancing” to describe Gavin’s movements was being generous.

The pounding music crossfaded into a slower song. Lindsay grabbed Michael’s wrist and pulled him close and the two of them started swaying together. Ray, having been spared from an impromptu dance lesson, made his way to the edge of the dance floor. There was a tight grip on his shoulder that stopped him in his tracks. He turned and came face to face with Gavin, who was sporting a wide grin, “I still owe you a dance, remember?” So he had actually been serious about that. Gavin slipped his hand into Ray’s and pulled him back towards the center of the floor. He then turned around and placed both of his hands on Ray’s hips. Okay. Time to not make this as weird as Ray felt. Ray gulped. He put both of his hands on Gavin’s shoulders and they began to sway in time to the music. As they danced, Michael and Lindsay twirled by.

“Oh, so you’ll dance with him but not with me? I see how it is, Ray.” Michael joked. Ray tried to fight the blush that was rising on his face. He opened his mouth to defend himself but Michael laughed and Gavin pulled Ray close enough so that their chests were touching.

“That’s because we’re close, Michael. You wouldn’t understand.” Gavin said.

Lindsay sighed and twirled her boyfriend around before dipping him, “Boys, boys, you’re both pretty. I’m sure Ray loves you both just the same.”

When Michael stood back up, his face flushed, he frowned at Lindsay, “Did you just dip me to shut me up?”

“Possibly.” She said with a smirk before leaning in and kissing him on the lips.

Gavin chuckled and Ray could feel the vibrations in his own chest, “What a couple of weirdos.” He said, looking down at Ray. Ray smiled weakly in response. Maybe asking for a dance with Gavin wasn’t the best idea in the world. But now that he was here he didn’t really want to stop; Gavin’s hands were steady on his hips and he smelled like sandalwood again and his lashes cast soft shadows on his cheeks as his eyes flickered in the dim lighting. Ray didn’t even realize he was leaning in close until Gavin laughed nervously and the force of his breath pushed back Ray’s bangs, “You alright there, Ray?”

Ray’s grip on Gavin’s shoulders tightened, but he didn’t get a chance to reply because a nun with a ruler strode by, “Leave room for Jesus, boys.” She said. Gavin rolled his eyes and took a step back, putting more space between himself and Ray.

When the song ended, Ray clumsily thanked Gavin for the dance and excused himself before rushing out of the gymnasium. He hurried into the bathroom down the hall and stumbled into an open stall, slamming the door shut. He slid to the floor, his back against the door, and wiped his sweaty hands on his pants again and again. “Fuck,” His voice echoed off the walls of the empty restroom. He was shaking and on the brink of tears, “Fuck fuck _fuck_.”

____________________

The dance ended at ten. The music was cut and the lights came on, signaling that it was time to head home. Students filed out of the gym and dispersed in all directions as they went back to their dorms or a dining hall or in certain students’ case, the pool house.

Ray had lost track of Gavin after they had danced, but Michael and Lindsay had dragged him out the door with them, promising that the others would catch up later. Michael tugged on the front door of the pool house and it rattled apathetically. Locked. Lindsay put her hands behind her back and rocked on her bare heels for a second, chewing the inside of her cheek. She walked around to the side of the building and Michael and Ray followed. There was a window just above their heads, slightly ajar with the smell of chlorine wafting from it. Lindsay handed Ray her shoes and motioned for Michael to give her a boost. Michael braced himself against the wall and bent down, fingers locked so that she could step up. After an impressive feat of athleticism on Lindsay’s part, there was click from the other side of the front door. Lindsay swung the door opened and cocked her hip, “And that, boys, is how you break into the school’s pool.”

Michael gave her a quick kiss on her forehead, “God, I love you.”

“Gross.” She said.

The pool was huge. From one end of the room to the other, it illuminated everything in an eerie light, lazy waves rippling along the surface. Lindsay walked towards the pool’s edge and dipped a toe in the water before pulling it out with a shiver, “God, that’s freezing!”

As she went off to find a way to heat the pool, Ray sat down on one of the lounge chairs lining the pool deck. Michael sat in the chair next to him and leaned back with his hands behind his head, “And now we wait.”

They didn’t have to wait long. Geoff and Ryan were the first to show up and were weighed down with several boxes of beer. Ray was starting to get a pretty good idea of who was behind the spiking of the punch. Jack and Joel weren’t far behind, with party favors of their own in the form of weed and even more alcohol. Lindsay, having found the pool heater, returned with arms full of floaties and kickboards and dropped them into the empty water before sitting in the same chair as Michael. Then everyone else started arriving.

There were definitely more people than the last party and a lot of the faces Ray didn’t recognize. Someone had hooked up a sound system and music bounced off the tiled walls of the room. The alcohol flowed freely and as more people arrived with even more booze the sobriety of the room quickly dissipated into slurred language and easy conversation. Ray took a few hits from the blunt that was being passed around and kept an eye out for Gavin. He hadn’t seen him in what was close to an hour and, not that he was worried or anything, but Ray kept an eye out for the guy anyway.

Then there was loud cheer followed by a laugh and a splash.

Ray backed up from the edge of the pool to avoid the arcs of water (when had he even gotten that close?) and there was laughter from the people milling about. Kerry was standing next to Ray and handed him his can of beer. Ray looked from the can to Kerry, wondering what he was meant to do with it, but Kerry was unbuckling his belt and taking off his pants, so that question was immediately forgotten. “You gonna go for a swim?” Kerry asked as he tugged off his purple tie.

Ray shook his head. Kerry simply shrugged and whooped as he jumped in the water in just his boxers. Then Ray registered the heavy breathing to his left and looked only to be briefly caught off guard by what he initially assumed was a drowned rat. But it was only Gavin, soaked from head to toe and smiling, his clothes drenched and sticking to his skin.

“What?” Ray asked. He didn’t like the sly expression on his roommate’s face, “Why are you looking at me like –”

And then Gavin shoved Ray into the pool.

Now, if Ray were in a rational state of mind, he would have thought long and hard about why Gavin Free thought it was a good idea to shove him into the pool. But Ray’s mouth and nose were filling up with chlorinated water and his lungs were burning and he couldn’t tell up from down so the only thing he could really think about in the moment was _holy fuck I’m going to drown what the fuck what the fuuuuck_.

Suddenly an impossibly strong force was pulling Ray in one direction and his head broke the surface of the water. As he coughed and spluttered, it slowly registered that the force was actually someone’s grip around the collar of his shirt. “You okay?” Ryan’s voice filtered through Ray’s muddled senses and Ray could only nod because he was still coughing up a lung.

“Jesus Christ, Ray, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to – I didn’t know – ” Ray held up a hand to shut him up. Gavin was on his hands and knees on the pool’s edge, peering down at Ray with a worried expression.

“What the fuck,” Ray said around choked breaths. Because seriously, what the fuck?

“Sorry…” Gavin helped Ryan pull Ray out of the pool, “I didn’t mean to almost kill you there.”

Ryan rubbed Ray’s back in small circles and asked him one more time if he was okay. Ray assured him that he would live and that seemed to be enough for the upperclassman, who ruffled Ray’s hair and walked over to where Geoff and Jack were having a heated conversation. Gavin wiped a few drops that were rolling down Ray’s cheek and apologized again. Ray swatted his hand away because Gavin’s shaking fingers grazing his skin were not in any way helpful. Gavin let his hand drop to his side.

“I’m really sorry, Ray.”

Ray pushed passed Gavin and went to go sit down on an empty lounge chair. His shoes squished with every step, filled to the brim with water, and Ray realized he was going to have to ask for new dress shoes for Christmas this year. Great. He sat down on the chair with a plop, shook his wet hair out of his face, and wrung out the water from the edges of his shirt. The distinct taste of pool water still hung on his tongue when a can of Coke was thrust under his nose. He looked up to see Gavin giving him a pathetic look. He had the soda in one hand and a towel in the other.

It was supposed to be an apology. So Ray took the can and popped the tab with a hiss and a fizz. “Thanks,” She said before taking a sip.

Gavin draped the towel around Ray’s shoulders and pulled the corners under his chin so that it resembled a cape. He sat down next to Ray but the chair was so narrow that their bony hips dug in to each other. “Sorry.” He said again.

“You’re drunk right now aren’t you,” Ray said as he rubbed the towel over his face.

“Only a little,” Gavin admitted, “There’s actually something I wanted to talk to you about.”

“What it is?” Ray took a few gulps of Coke and the bubbles fizzled in his nose. Gavin didn’t answer immediately and Ray looked over at him. He was staring at his hands and pointedly not looking in Ray’s direction. “Uh, Gavin?”

Suddenly, Gavin stood up and began unbuttoning his shirt. He sloppily pulled at his tie and threw both items of clothing on the chair.

“Uh…Gavin…?” Ray asked once more, a little warier this time.

“Let’s go for a dip.” He kicked off his shoes and sat back down as he pulled off his socks. “We’ll stick to the shallow end.”

“Uhhh…” Ray didn’t have an eloquent response for this. On the one hand, he was still a little miffed at almost drowning. On the other, Gavin was getting undressed and looking pretty attractive while doing so. On the third hand (if humans had three hands, this would make more sense, but whatever, Ray was a little buzzed at the moment so), Ray wasn’t entirely comfortable with getting undressed in public.

Gavin pulled down his pants, revealing his dark boxer briefs that, when soaked, left absolutely nothing to the imagination.

All things considered, Ray supposed that night swimming wasn’t the worst thing he could engage in right now, even if he would hate himself for it afterwards. He set the can on the ground and started untying his shoes. “Okay why not?” He muttered. Gavin practically beamed as Ray pulled off his socks and shoes. When he shimmied out of his pants and stood up, Gavin looked him from head to toe.

“You look like that bloke from _Risky Business_ ,” Gavin chuckled and tugged Ray’s tie off in one slick motion, “You’ve got your shirt on still.” He started to slowly unbutton the top buttons on Ray’s shirt.

Something coiled in Ray’s gut and he pulled away, choosing to take care of his own buttons. “That’s Tom Cruise, right?” He said. Gavin’s breath was distracting when it created hot shapes on his skin.

Gavin nodded and, once Ray was appropriately undressed, he turned around and hopped into the pool. There was a small splash as Gavin’s head went under. He popped back up and the water only came about halfway up his chest. “Come on then,” He said and held out his hand. Ray sat down on the edge and stuck his feet in the water; it was warm. He took Gavin’s hand in his and slid in, surprised when his feet hit the bottom sooner than he expected. This wasn’t so bad. “Okay stay there, I’m going to grab us some more drinks,” Gavin said before swimming away.

While he waited, Ray bobbed his way towards the ladder hooked over the side and sat on one of the underwater rungs. The music was still playing, but it was a slow indie rock song that Ray couldn’t quite make out the lyrics to. There were people all over the pool house. Some were lounging in chairs, others were sitting with only their feet in the water, while others still were floating along. There were lazy conversations all around and Ray realized everyone was in various stages of undress. With mild interest, he watched a guy and girl make out on the stairs of the pool. He wondered how chlorine tasted like on someone else’s tongue.

Gavin made his way back over to where Ray was sitting with another can of soda and a can of beer for himself. They sat in the water for who knew how long. They talked about dumb shit and took breaks in between to just sit in silence. Ray wondered what Gavin was thinking about during those long breaks of quiet that drifted between them. He glanced over at the other boy; the glow of the pool lit up Gavin’s face in a way that made Ray’s breath catch in his throat. Gavin must have felt him staring because he looked over and their eyes locked.

“What was it you wanted to talk to me about anyway?” Ray heard himself say.

Gavin had to think for a second to understand the question. Then he let his empty beer can float in the water and waded over so that he was standing in front of Ray. His eyes were glassy and a bit unfocused and he moved slowly through the gentle current. The water lazily lapped against the pool walls and Ray wasn’t really sure how little distance remained between them at this point. Gavin put his hands on the sides of the ladder, his arms pressed against Ray’s shoulders, effectively trapping him between Gavin’s body and the pool edge. Ray tried to back up but the metal rungs dug into his back. Gavin leaned in close and rested his forehead on Ray’s. “I’m glad I met you, Ray,” He muttered. The smell of alcohol was only faint on his breath. “You’re pretty top, you know that?”

Ray closed his eyes. His heart was trying to beat its way out of his chest and his head was nothing but fog and chlorine and the sound of water slapping tile. “You’re pretty alright too,” He said.

And then Gavin’s mouth was on his.

His lips were soft and Ray was confused. He was almost certain that he hadn’t leaned in those few precious centimeters. He had been doing his best to remain perfectly still, yet somehow Gavin’s soft lips were mostly definitely pressed against his own. As Ray tentatively leaned into the kiss and Gavin sighed through his nose, Ray realized that Gavin was the one who initiated this. He gently bit at Ray’s bottom lip and Ray parted his mouth to let Gavin slide his tongue in. He was drunk, Ray tried to remind himself. Gavin was drunk and that was the only reason this was happening, but Ray found that he didn’t really care. His hands found their way to Gavin’s sides and he pulled him close. Gavin grunted and continued to explore Ray’s mouth with his tongue.

As it turned out, chlorine tasted bitter on someone else’s tongue.

Everything felt kind of perfect. The atmosphere was slow and the languid conversations all around rolled on as everyone continued their talking and drinking. Ray didn’t realize how hard his fingers were digging into Gavin’s skin. He didn’t realize how desperately he was holding on to this one moment in his life where everything convened just right, even it felt kind of wrong. But only kind of.

Then Gavin put his leg between Ray’s thighs and Ray’s dick twitched in his boxers and Gavin pulled back and giggled and the illusion was shattered. Gavin’s grinning face was looking down at him being impossibly beautiful as per usual and reality came crashing down around Ray.

He was kissing a boy. He was kissing and getting a hard-on for a boy. He was kissing and getting a hard-on for a boy in a pool while attending Catholic school. And the boy had just laughed at his boner. Ray pushed Gavin away and scrambled up the ladder.

“Sorry,” He said before speed walking over to where his clothes were left on the lounge chair. He pulled on his pants; they were still damp. Gavin jogged up next to him, calling his name. “I’m sorry,” He said again. He didn’t know exactly what he was apologizing for, whether it was for almost kissing Gavin weeks ago or for jerking off to him while he was sleeping or whether he was apologizing to his mother and to God for falling for a boy, but whatever the reason, Ray felt the need to apologize. Gavin put a hand on Ray’s shoulder, but Ray pulled away. He avoided looking Gavin in the face as he buttoned up his shirt. He slid on his shoes and ran a hand through his hair. “I’ll just head home,” He said while still avoiding eye contact. Gavin didn’t get a chance to protest before Ray was out the door.

The cool October air was downright cold as it cut through Ray’s damp clothes and across his wet skin. By the time he made it back to their room, he was shivering and his teeth were chattering. He tugged off his clammy clothes and climbed into bed, tightly wrapping himself up in his covers. His heart was thrashing wildly in his chest and he couldn’t tell if it was breaking or not while he choked down sobs. By trying not to cry, Ray began to hyperventilate. It wasn’t long before his wheezing devolved into hiccupping that racked his body. He bit down on his tongue and focused on controlling the convulsions. He was a mess. He was a wet mess who was dry sobbing with a shitty case of the hiccups.

Later that night, when Gavin eventually stumbled back into their room, Ray lay perfectly still and pretended he was asleep.

____________________

Ray spent the remainder of the weekend avoiding Gavin. He was doing a pretty stellar job at it actually, and it didn’t occur to him that Gavin was avoiding him as well until Gavin walked into the library and, upon seeing Ray at one of the tables by the door, did an immediate one eighty and walked right out the building. Ray had looked down at the now blurry pages of his book and pretended he didn’t notice.

Both Michael and Kerry confronted him about their behavior on Sunday evening when they stopped by the room and noticed that Gavin wasn’t there.

“I haven’t seen the two of you together all day,” Kerry said, his hands deep in the pockets of his hoodie. “What’s up with that?”

Ray shrugged, “Busy,” He said.

“You or him?” Michael asked with a frown.

“Both I guess.”

That seemed to be enough to sway them from the subject and they invited Ray down to eat dinner with them. Ray didn’t see Gavin again until that night when he returned to the room. Gavin had headphones in and was intensely studying his Earth Science book. Ray noted that his eyes were steadfastly focused on a single spot on one of the pages. He chose to ignore this and instead changed into his pajamas and climbed into bed.

It was when Monday rolled around that they were forced to interact. Ray had managed to avoid Gavin at breakfast by skipping eating altogether and going to the library before class. But then it was time for History and Ray and Gavin had to sit next to each other. Ray did his best to focus solely on the teacher’s lecture and kept his eyes trained on either her face or his notebook, but he could feel Gavin stealing glances every few minutes. Gavin only stopped staring to quickly scribble on a sheet of paper. He slid the paper onto Ray’s desk and Ray tried to ignore it, but Gavin kept scooting it closer and closer to the center of the desk. Ray sighed and picked up the folded sheet. It seemed to burn in his hands and he braced himself for harsh words, slurs, or proclamations of damnation to be scrawled on the lined paper. He flipped the note open and was greeted by Gavin’s shoddy handwriting.

_‘did I freak you out on saturday?’_

Ray frowned. Not what he had expected. He chewed on the eraser of his pencil as he mulled over the words. What happened that night definitely freaked Ray out, but Ray still couldn’t quite pin down the reason why. He chalked it up to a lot of reasons and scribbled down an answer. He read over his reply before slipping it back to Gavin.

_‘ ~~ye~~_

_~~no~~ _

_~~not really??~~ _

_a little bit i guess. not ur fault tho’_

Gavin seemed relieved at his response before frowning. He chanced another look at Ray, who made certain to keep his eyes towards the front of the class, and wrote something else down. He waited for the teacher to turn around and write a list of dates on the blackboard before passing the note back to Ray.

_‘we can pretend it didn’t happen if you want’_

Gavin was giving Ray a way out. A path that led up and out of this weird valley in his life and would drop him right in front of the Pearly Gates. But Ray wasn’t sure he liked the onus to be placed on him like this. He wanted that kiss that night. And he hoped that Gavin had wanted it because Ray wanted that kiss to be the first of many. But if Gavin was willing to erase that moment from memory, maybe it didn’t mean as much to him as it did to Ray.

So he put the ball back in Gavin’s court.

_‘do you wanna pretend it didnt happen???’_

Gavin sighed and put his face on his desk. Ray could only spare a quick look and a raised eyebrow in his direction. What kind of reaction was that? Gavin’s written reply was shorter and sloppier than the previous messages.

_‘dunno’_

Well then. That got them absolutely nowhere. Ray slipped the note between the pages of his notebook, looked at Gavin, and shrugged. Gavin shrugged back. Both boys returned their attention to the teacher’s lecture until the end of class. When the bell rang, Ray was the first to speak up,

“You want to talk about it later?”

Gavin made a face as he dropped his book in his backpack, “I guess. After maths then?”

“Sure thing,” Ray said, shouldering his bag, “Think we can grab something to eat first? I kind of didn’t eat breakfast.”

“I was wondering where you were this morning! You skipped breakfast just to avoid me?”

Ray shrugged and followed Gavin as he headed out the door, “Well, y’know, I take the avoidance of my issues very seriously.”

“So I’m beginning to notice.”

For the rest of the day, they were on pretty good terms. They weren’t as comfortable with each other as they were a week ago, but at least they weren’t actively avoiding one another. Once done with class for the day, the boys grabbed food from the cafeteria and headed back to their room.

As they dumped their food haul on the floor of their dorm, Ray decided to just dive right in, “So what’s the deal? Are we pretending Saturday didn’t happen? Are we gonna blame it on being caught up in the moment? Are we dating? What?” He hadn’t meant to say “dating”, and the word felt too heavy in his mouth.

Gavin looked up from the bag of chips he was trying to open. He looked shaken and uncomfortable, “You could at least wait a few minutes before just bloody starting like that.”

Ray rolled his eyes. Here he was, worrying himself sick over wanting to kiss some dumb boy, and when it finally happens Ray falls apart. They decide to talk things out, wait until the end of the school day and Gavin wants Ray to wait even more? Ray plucked the chips from Gavin’s hands and deftly opened the bag, “My bad, dude. The weather’s been pretty nice these past few days, right? Think we’ll get snow before December?”

It was Gavin’s turn to roll his eyes, “Really, Ray? There’s no reason to be an ass about it.” He took his bag of chips back from Ray, pulled out a few, and stuffed them in his mouth. Ray watched him eat his snack, leaving his own food untouched. He swallowed thickly.

“I liked kissing you, y’know.” Ray said.

Gavin stopped chewing and slowly looked up at Ray. “What?”

Ray’s shoulders dropped and he visibly deflated, “Please don’t make me repeat it.”

Silence settled over the room and it suddenly got hard for Ray to breathe. Had he fucked that up? Because it was turning out that he was getting pretty good at fucking things up lately. After what seemed like forever, Gavin held out the bag of chips under Ray’s nose, “Yeah,” He said. “Me too.” Ray’s heart soared and he fought the grin threatening to spread across his face as he pulled out a chip. “But we’re not…dating, alright? We’re just friends. Friends who kiss sometimes.”

And Ray could work with that because dating meant they were boyfriends and boyfriends meant they weren’t entirely heterosexual and well, Ray didn’t want to complete that line of thought so early in the school year – or ever really – but he was faintly aware that they’d have to talk about this again. Eventually. But for now they were friends who kissed a bunch and Ray could work with that.

“Can…can we do it again?” Ray asked.

Gavin’s brow furrowed a bit, “You mean kiss again?”

Ray nodded and hoped Gavin couldn’t hear his heart beating in his chest. Gavin chewed thoughtfully, swallowed, and shrugged, “Alright.”

Ray leaned forward and closed his eyes, his hands were still a little clammy, but he waited patiently for Gavin to meet him halfway. He felt Gavin’s hand on his chin as he tilted Ray’s head up and then they were kissing again. It was salty from the chips and it was short and chaste compared to Saturday’s kiss, but Ray felt something akin to pure happiness swell within him. They pulled away and Ray opened his eyes. Gavin was smirking down at him, “You do it so eagerly. Like you really want to impress the other person.”

“Well excuse me for not kissing a whole bunch of people before kissing you.”

Gavin had been licking the salt off his fingers but stopped short when Ray said that. His hand slowly dropped from his mouth, “I’m not your first kiss, am I? That’s loads of responsibility that I’m not prepared for.”

Ray stood up and grabbed his backpack off his bed, “No, I’ve kissed a few girls before you. Just not enough to get good at it.”

“I didn’t say you weren’t good. Just eager. It’s not a bad thing, really. Kind of cute, I guess.”

Ray dropped his bag in the middle of the floor, next to their pile of food. “Well then I must be absolutely adorable.”

“Absolutely,” Gavin said with a grin. His own bookbag was within reach, so he unzipped it with one hand and dug around its contents. He pulled out his Bible. “You want to go over the assigned verses before Bible Study on Wednesday?” Ray nodded and picked up his sandwich and bottle of water before sitting next to Gavin, who was flipping to the correct chapter. Once he had found the chapter and verse, Gavin placed the book on the floor between them. Ray eyed Gavin’s hand that was also resting in the space between them. They were Friends Who Kissed now, but did that mean they could still hold hands? He carefully chewed the bite he had taken out of his sandwich and knocked their knuckles together. Gavin slipped his fingers between Ray’s like it was the most casual thing in the world.

____________________


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on November 27, 2013.

Relationships were a funny thing. Ray was learning this first hand as he was currently lying on his bed with his friend-slash-roommate hovering over him. Both titles of “friend” and “roommate” didn’t necessarily mean skipping class for lazy afternoon kisses, but that’s what was currently happening. Gavin had his hands on either side of Ray’s head and a knee between his thighs. He kissed Ray’s forehead, where his bangs came just above his eyebrows, and trailed down to his nose. His breath made Ray’s skin buzz just below the surface.

Relationships were so fucking weird.

Ray covered his face with his hands, knocking Gavin out of the way, “You should be in Gym right now and I should be in Earth Science,” He said, his voice muffled.

Gavin chuckled and Ray couldn’t get over how he sounded so _close_ , “You said you wanted privacy.”

Ray peeked through his fingers to shoot a glare up at Gavin. Bad idea. Gavin was still close enough that Ray could see the ring of gold in his eyes and Ray’s breath nearly died in his throat as his heart skipped a beat. “No, I said we shouldn’t make out in a janitor’s closet because someone might hear us.”

“Same difference.”

“No, not the same difference.” Ray’s own breath was hot against his palms, “You got mad at me because we were arguing about Mass Effect 3, and then you just dragged me into the closet. Next thing I know, we’re kissing. I think you bruised my lip, dude.” Ray’s palms were clammy and gross, but Ray wasn’t really paying attention because he was focused on Gavin’s shifting expression.

Gavin seemed to contemplate things for a minute before leaning down and placing his mouth on the back of Ray’s hands. “Fair enough,” He said, and the wet heat of his mouth against Ray’s skin absolutely wasn’t fair, “I promise I won’t keep you too late though. We’ll be done just in time for your next class.” Yeah right. Ray was learning that Gavin’s promises weren’t the most assured thing in the world. Regardless, he pulled his hands away from his face and let Gavin bump their foreheads together. “Aw, don’t look so put out, Ray. You’ll like this bit.”

And with that Gavin was kissing Ray, sensual and slow, and as Ray slid his hands up the back of Gavin’s neck and into his hair, he thought about how relationships were probably the weirdest thing humanity ever created.

He was late to his next class in the end, and he hoped his red cheeks and even redder lips could be blamed on the brisk chilly wind that was blowing across campus that day.

As he slipped into his seat, the reprimands of the teacher ringing in his burning ears, Caleb shot him a sympathetic smile. When class resumed and Ray was distractedly drawing doodles in the margin of his notes, Caleb leaned over and whispered, “Hey, you going home for Thanksgiving Break?”

Ray looked over at him with a frown. Shit, was it really that late in the year already? His mother hadn’t mentioned whether or not she wanted him to come home when he had called her over the weekend, but he was pretty sure that it was just expected of him. Unless he just waited until Christmas? Ray shrugged and Caleb nodded as he leaned back in his seat, “You’re welcome at my place, just so you know. My parents live like right down the road.”

“Wait, so why do you even go here?”

Caleb reached up to fiddle with the bill of his hat only to remember that he didn’t have it on at the moment, so he ran his hand through his hair instead. “Mm, family tradition? I don’t know, man, I don’t question it. But more importantly,” He leaned over his notebook and scribbled something on the corner of the page. Carefully tearing it off, he handed the scrap to Ray, “If you do go home, give me your Skype name. If we don’t chat over Thanksgiving we can always do it over Christmas break.”

Ray looked at the username scrawled on the paper before looking up at Caleb, who smiled good-naturedly. “You sure?” He said with a smirk. “I mean, this is a big step in our relationship and I don’t know if I’m ready for this sort of commitment.”

Caleb grinned wide and flicked his pencil at Ray, nailing him right between the eyes. Ray rubbed his face and picked up the pencil. Instead of giving it back to Caleb, who had his hand outstretched and waiting, Ray put the pencil in front of his own face. “Nope,” He said before he ran his tongue over the pink plastic, “It’s mine now.”

Caleb made a face while trying not to giggle, “Gross, dude. You owe me a new pencil.”

Ray answered by putting the pencil between his teeth and waggling his eyebrows at Caleb, “Do I though?” He said through clenched teeth as he handed over his own orange, spit-free, mechanical pencil he had been using.

Caleb accepted the offer, but instead of going back to taking notes, he sat up straight and looked over at Ray with his eyebrows raised, “Oh yeah! Got the greenlight for my Ultimate team and Lindsay and Barbara are totally in. The offer’s still open if you want to join.”

Ray shook his head. “Nah, sports aren’t my thing. Good luck though.”

Caleb didn’t look too put off as he casually shrugged. “Well, we won’t really start up until next semester. You should come see us play in the spring. It’ll be cool,” He said. He put his hand on his chest and raised his chin, giving off a haughty look, “At least, _I_ think it’ll be pretty cool.”

Ray laughed, and it might have been a little too loud because the professor chose then to chime in. “Mr. Denecour, if you and Mr. Narvaez would like to cease your side conversation and focus on the lesson at hand that would be great.” He gave them a level stare over the rim of his thick glasses and Ray tried to disappear into his seat. Caleb gave the teacher a mock salute.

“Yessir!”

Giggles rippled through the classroom and the man just sighed and shook his head before moving on with the lesson. Caleb shot Ray a quick grin and Ray smiled back as he slid the sheet of paper with the username on it in his pocket.

____________________

It was an early Sunday morning and Gavin’s phone was screeching again. Ray put an arm across his face, covering his eyes, and groaned over the sound of Gavin fumbling to turn off his alarm. Once the noise was silenced, they lay there in the quiet for a while. Eventually, Ray rolled on his side and looked across the room at Gavin.

“I don’t wanna get out of bed.” Ray voiced the thought for the both of them because there was no doubt Gavin felt the same way.

“We have to eventually or we’ll be late to service,” Gavin said with a yawn.

Ray pulled up his covers so that they rested just under his nose and blinked owlishly at Gavin. “Maybe we could skip it.” His voice was muffled through the sheet, but Gavin chuckled at his suggestion nonetheless.

“Right, and have Father Leggat go mental on us? No thanks.” Gavin sat up and swung his legs over the edge of his bed. His hair was its usual early morning rat’s nest as he absentmindedly scratched the back of his neck. With another yawn, Gavin pushed himself out of his own bed and shuffled across the cold dorm room floor. He tugged at Ray’s sheets and climbed into bed with him. Ray didn’t put up much of a protest. Once they were adequately comfortable, pressed up against one another with their limbs tangled together, Gavin said, “We do have time before we have to get up though.”

So Ray let Gavin press a gentle kiss to his forehead, a kiss to his nose, and another on his cheek. The warmth was comforting and Ray closed his eyes to enjoy to feeling of Gavin’s lips against his face. It had been about a week since they started this: the whole “Friends Who Kiss” thing. Over the course of the week they had kissed a total of nine times.

Not that Ray had been counting or anything.

And it wasn’t bad, what they were doing. They had talked about it. On Thursday, when Gavin had kissed Ray on the cheek out of excitement over getting the right answer on his practice Algebra test. They had been in the library and Ray got flustered and pushed Gavin away because that was the first time they had kissed in public, as innocuous as it was. So they talked about it when they got back to the room. And they once again came to the conclusion that what they were doing wasn’t gay per se (or dating, especially not dating), because they were just friends. Friends who kiss.

Gavin pulled away, Ray opened his eyes, and they lay there like that with their noses almost touching and the sun starting to peek through the window. Everything felt easy and quiet and perfect until Gavin opened his big dumb mouth, “Have I ever told you about Dan?”

Ray frowned. “Uh, no. You mentioned him once after the back to school party and then never talked about him again.”

“He was my first kiss, you know.” Gavin said.

No, Ray didn’t know, because like he had just been trying to explain, Gavin had only mentioned Dan once. In name only. Ray didn’t even know the guy’s last name or whether he was even from the States.

Turned out his last name was Gruchy and he was from the UK.

“We were bloody inseparable growing up. We did practically everything together.” Ray rolled on his back so he didn’t have to see the way Gavin’s face lit up when talking about Dan. Gavin didn’t notice. “We were like ten – eleven? – when we kissed. Dan wanted to practice so we wouldn’t look like idiots when we had to kiss a girl.” Gavin shifted so that he was on his back too, and they both stared at the ceiling while he continued reminiscing, “Then we were practicing quite a lot. After school, under bleachers, during sleepovers.”

Ray didn’t want to hear this.

Not because he was jealous (okay yeah he was a little, but he was getting better at lying to himself) but because the wistful way Gavin was going on and on was irritating.

“But then Dan starting mooning over some bird a year older than us. And then he kissed her. And then me and him started kissing less. It’s not like I’m bitter about it though ‘cause I started kissing girls myself later on. And me and Dan are still best friends.”

Gavin shrugged, their shoulders bumping against one another’s and rocking the bed. He turned to look at Ray and Ray pointedly avoided eye contact by maintaining his staring contest with the ceiling. Gavin either didn’t notice or didn’t care and his voice was still coated with that gross film of nostalgia. “But sometimes I miss being younger. Even if it’s only for the innocent kisses between friends and light up sneakers.” Gavin nudged him playfully and Ray couldn’t help but smile. “But now I have you, Ray. And that’s pretty cool.”

Then Ray’s alarm went off and signaled the end of their early morning heart to heart. “Okay now we really have to get up,” Ray said as he tried to push Gavin out of his bed, kind of happy to change the subject. Gavin went limp and giggled when Ray struggled to kick him out from beneath the covers. “Dude, come on, don’t be a dick.” Gavin eventually let himself be pushed out of the bed and rolled onto the floor with a thud. Ray peeked over the edge and looked down at him. “Thank you.” Gavin rolled his eyes with a smile before standing up. Ray reached for his phone on the nightstand. “I should really call my mom tonight,” He said as he tapped at the screen to turn off his alarm. “I need to ask her what we’re doing for Thanksgiving.”

Gavin was rifling through the closet, looking for his shower shoes, when he said, “Your relationship with your mum is so cute.” His voice was kind of muffled, but Ray stopped stretching to look in his direction.

“What?”

“You’re such a mummy’s boy and it’s cute.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Shut up.” He bent down to look under his bed, ignoring Gavin’s giggling. He stuck his hand in the space under his bed and wound up pulling out three pairs of flip flops. He stood up with the shoes in hand just as Gavin turned around with one flip flop and a sour pout. “Looking for this?” Ray held up the stray shoe he had found and tossed it at Gavin. Gavin fumbled it, but thanked Ray nevertheless. “You talk to _your_ parents about Thanksgiving break yet? Which one are you spending it with anyway?”

Gavin slipped on his shower shoes and started to tug his shirt over his head, “Thanksgiving with Mum and Christmas with Dad. Yay.” He finished getting undressed and wrapped his towel around his waist before pulling off his underwear, “She’s supposed to pick me up I think, but I haven’t talked to her in a few weeks.”

Ray, also in a towel and ready to shower, walked over to Gavin and stood on his tiptoes to lightly kiss his forehead, “You probably should call your mom, dude.”

Gavin made a face and a begrudging promise. Ray laughed and pushed him towards the door so they wouldn’t be late for Sunday service.

____________________

The week rolled on and their relationship continued in pretty much the same way, with casual kisses in between class, homework, and hanging with friends. They would steal quick playful kisses before leaving the room for breakfast. In History, in the space between their desks, they would hook their ring and pinky fingers together in lieu of handholding. Study sessions in the library would devolve into games of footsie under the table.

Then Gavin started getting bolder, going so far as to drag Ray into empty classrooms and suck on his bottom lip until it was red and swollen and slick with spit. The best kisses, though, were the casual ones when they were lying on the floor or in a bed and reading from the same book. Gavin would lean over until their cheeks were touching and Ray would turn and catch the corner of his mouth until Gavin would meet him head on and they’d spend countless minutes just exploring each other’s mouths with their tongues.

But everything really got heated in November.

They were studying quietly in the room together, Ray lying on the floor and Gavin sitting on his bed. Gavin looked up with his pen dangling from his mouth, “Oh yeah. Happy Halloween I guess.”

Ray didn’t bother looking up from his math homework. “Gavin, it’s November first.”

“Oh shut it, it’s still technically Halloween.”

Okay, now Ray had to look up at Gavin with an eyebrow raised. “How?” He asked. “How could it possibly still be October thirty-first when it’s clearly the first of November?”

Gavin rolled his pen between his fingers, still chewing on the end of it, “Halloween is a state of mind, not a date on the calendar.”

“Did Michael tell you that?”

Gavin shrugged, “Unless you actually wanted to go to that corny concert last night?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“God no,” Ray shuddered. Just the thought of listening to campy songs about the Lord between sermons about the temptations of Hollow’s Eve made Ray want to gag. “But that doesn’t mean I want to sneak out and go drinking either. Can’t we just stay in and study?”

Gavin continued to chew his pen and his teeth made a clacking noise against the plastic. He thought over the suggestion for a few seconds before running his hand through his hair and looking at Ray. “Alright then.”

And study they did. Well, Ray studied at least. For a while anyway. Then Gavin started throwing wads of paper at Ray’s head instead of working on his English assignment. Ray had lost track of how many paper balls he had been attempting to ignore by the time he snapped.

“Would you cut that out already?!” Ray sat up with his knees tucked under him and shook paper out of his hair, “Is this my punishment for not doing what you want tonight?”

Gavin put on his most angelic face and batted his eyes at Ray. “What?”

“You know damn well what, Gav.” Ray huffed and stood up, even more paper falling out of the folds of his clothes, “If you want to go out, go. I just feel like staying in, y’know? I’m sure Michael’d be willing to go with you.”

“But Michael has rehearsal,” Gavin whined. “And I want to hang out with you…”

“And I want to _study_ ,” Ray said desperately. He motioned to the bag lying on the floor next to Gavin’s bed, “You haven’t even pulled your shit out of your backpack yet. What are you even doing?”

Ray was frustrated and Gavin could tell. Gavin scooted to the edge of the bed so that his legs hung over the side. He patted his lap and looked at Ray expectantly, “Come here.”

Oh no, Ray wasn’t going to fall for that again. The last time Gavin had him sit in his lap, they were in what they thought was an empty classroom and Ray had ended up almost breaking his face on the floor when someone nearly walked in on them. He stood in the middle of the room and glowered at Gavin.

Gavin rolled his eyes. “Oh come on then. You don’t have to have a seat. I just want to kiss you.” Ray knew that his glare had softened and looked more cute than deadly at this point, but he kept up the façade anyway as he shuffled over to where Gavin was sitting. Once he was near enough, Gavin tugged at the strings on Ray’s hoodie and pulled him down until their lips were so close that Ray could feel the heat of Gavin’s breath. “We can do whatever you want,” Gavin said. Ray barely heard him as he closed his eyes and put his hands on Gavin’s shoulders to keep his balance. Gavin tugged at the strings just enough to close the distance between them and his warm lips were against Ray’s again. It was quick, and Ray tried not to lean into it too much, remembering what Gavin had said about being too eager. When they pulled away, Gavin ran his hands over Ray’s chest. “If you want to stay in and study,” He placed a few kisses along Ray’s jaw and the way he had said the word “study” lit something within Ray’s stomach. “We can do that.”

Yeah. They could do that. They could do a lot of things, Ray realized, and upon this realization, he straddled one of Gavin’s legs and crashed their lips together.

Their teeth knocked together at first and Gavin grunted in surprise, but they fell into a comfortable pace soon enough. Gavin strayed from Ray’s lips, kissing against his jawline down to his throat, following the quickening pulse thrumming under heated skin, but Ray guided Gavin’s face back to his with shaky hands. Once Gavin’s lips found his again, Ray deepened the kiss and ground down on Gavin’s leg. The groan that vibrated from Gavin’s throat buzzed in Ray’s mouth and when Gavin moaned again, the sudden rush of being in control was a little intoxicating to Ray. He bit Gavin’s lower lip and Gavin whimpered, parting his lips so Ray could slide his tongue in. Ray rolled his hips against Gavin’s leg, putting a hand down to keep his balance. As he found a rhythm, Ray ran his hand up Gavin’s leg until the heat of his erection was against Ray’s palm.

Ray had never touched another guy’s dick before, but it felt a lot like his own through the cotton sweats. As Ray ran his fingers from base to tip through the fabric, he felt it twitch under his touch. Heat pooled in the pit of his stomach and his breath caught in his throat.

He chose then of all times to have a moment of clarity.

Something akin to ice cold guilt clutched at Ray’s heart. They shouldn’t be doing this. He had a Geometry test on Monday that he still hadn’t studied for. They had an English paper due that neither of them had started. And there was that Earth Science project that he was pretty sure was going to take forever to finish.

Gavin, noticing that Ray’s hand had stilled, rocked his hips so that his cock pressed into the palm of Ray’s hand. Ray jumped out of Gavin’s lap and nearly fell on his ass. He tried to ignore how his own dick was hard and straining against the fabric of his jeans. Ray swallowed thickly.

“Sh-shouldn’t we be doing homework or something?”

Gavin blinked at Ray once, twice, before rolling his eyes and groaning. “Seriously?! We’re five minutes away from jerking each other off and you want to talk about _homework_? So when you said we should study, you meant _actually_ study.” Ray nodded his head slowly and licked his lips. His mouth was still dry. Gavin huffed. Flipping his boner in the band of his sweatpants, Gavin stood up. He grabbed his backpack off the floor and dropped it on his bed. “You’re such a nerd. Like the biggest dumbest nerd ever.” Ray awkwardly fiddled with the hem of his shirt while Gavin pulled out his books. Now he felt kind of guilty about stopping. At the time it had felt right, but now Ray wasn’t sure if Gavin was mad at him or what. “Y’know…if you wanted to stop, you could’ve just said so.” Gavin’s back was still turned so Ray imagined that he had that soft contemplative look he got when reading classic literature. “What we’re doing…it’s kind of weird and scary, innit?”

Ray let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. Closing the space between him and Gavin, Ray rested his forehead on Gavin’s shoulder. “Thanks.”

“Yeah yeah, now help me with this paper so I don’t fail English.” Gavin tried to wave him off, but Ray stood there, with his face pressed into Gavin’s shirt and knotted his fingers into the fabric.

Maybe this whole thing wasn’t the best idea they’d ever had, and maybe this wasn’t the most ideal situation to be in, but, with the earthy smell of sandalwood filling his nose and Gavin’s searing warmth cutting into his skin, Ray wasn’t entirely sure he really wanted to give any of it up.

____________________


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on December 1, 2013.

It was the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the weather was cold and dreary. Ray stuffed the last of his things in his duffle bag and listened to Gavin babble on.

“I’m telling you, she’d totally give you a ride. It’s no big deal.”

“I live like two hours out of the way,” Ray shouldered his bag. He ran his hand through his hair and exasperatedly looked at Gavin, “I already told you that riding the bus is no big deal. As long as I catch the next one, I’ll be home in time for dinner.”

“But-” Gavin started, but Ray placed a finger over his lips.

“Dude. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.”

Gavin managed to talk around Ray’s finger, his words sounding a little muffled, “But you’ll be on the bus for hours, and public transportation is so...” He trailed off and seemed to reconsider his choice of words. Ray raised an eyebrow.

“So…what?” Ray asked. Gavin looked sheepish as he shook his head and tightened his lips. With a sigh, Ray dropped his hand from Gavin’s mouth and adjusted the strap of his bag. “Listen, Gav, I’ll be alright. I’ve been riding buses basically all my life. It was either that or walk.” He pulled his phone out of his pocket and scrolled through his contacts until he landed on Gavin’s name. “Here how’s this then,” He clicked on the message button and typed a few choice characters before hitting send, “I’ll text you every half hour starting now.”

Gavin’s phone cawed with its usual irritating notification noise. He pulled his phone out of the back pocket of his jeans and frowned when he read Ray’s text. He looked up with his brows furrowed. “Ray, that’s a penis.”

Ray smirked and slipped his phone back in the pocket of his hoodie. “Well you know I’m okay, don’t you?”

Gavin didn’t seem as entertained as Ray was and forcefully pushed against Ray’s forehead with two fingers. “I swear you’re such a cheeky prick sometimes.”

Managing to maintain his balance, Ray shot Gavin a full grin. “Only sometimes?” His grinning was disrupted when Gavin chose then to steal a kiss. Soft and sweet, Ray understood what Gavin meant by it. He gently pushed his roommate away with a firm hand against his chest. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll miss you too.”

With another smile, Gavin pecked Ray’s cheek one last time. They headed out of the room, making sure to turn off all the lights and lock the door behind them, before heading towards the elevator. Outside, the autumn wind was tinged with the piercing cold of winter and Ray had to bury his face in the collar of his hoodie. He should probably grab his coat out of the closet at home and bring it back to school with him. This winter was looking to be pretty brutal.

The bus pulled up before Gavin’s mother did, and Gavin was disappointed that Ray wouldn’t get a chance to meet her. Truth be told, Ray was a little relieved because he wasn’t quite sure what he would say to her.

Hey Ms. Free, I’m the boy who’s been making out with your son when we should both be in class? I have a lot of feelings for him and I’m not entirely sure if God approves?

Yeah right. Not likely.

Ray trudged aboard the low steps and plopped into one of the worn seats closest to the window. Through the grimy glass, Ray could make out Gavin waving excitedly as he bounced on the balls of his feet. Michael was standing next to him and waved a few times before saying something to Gavin and shoving him playfully. Whatever he said made Gavin giggle and Ray committed that laughing face, with bright eyes and wild hair, to memory before turning around as the bus rattled on to its next destination.

He kept his promise to text Gavin every half hour, and although the first hour and a half was met with Gavin adamantly replying that the whole thing was dumb and unnecessary, Ray found a bit of comfort in it. It was a welcome distraction from the pretty tedious scenery that flew past the windows. The first bus didn’t pick up many more passengers before Ray had to transfer, but the closer they got to the city, the more people boarded and disembarked at each stop. It was the beginning of the holiday season after all. The weather seemed to get even drearier as they headed into the city, and as Ray watched familiar high rises roll past and sat surrounded with people bundled up in worn scarves and threadbare coats, he started to realize just how much he had missed being home.

The sun was setting when the bus pulled up to the stop at the end of Ray’s block. He thanked the driver as he got off, sent one last text to Gavin, and headed into the blustering wind. He kept his head low and fumbled for his keys in his pocket and, when he reached the door of the apartment building, nearly stumbled inside. He took a moment to catch his breath and looked at the flight of stairs that he still had to climb. Adjusting his grip on his duffle bag, Ray started the ascent. The peeling paint felt comforting under his fingers and he ran into a couple of the neighbors on his way up. The old woman with the three cats had knitted him a scarf and said that it had been quiet without him to visit. The guy who Ray was seventy percent sure was a drug dealer pulled his snapback low and told him that they had been keeping an eye on his mother. The woman who owned the local salon made him promise to stop by for a haircut before the year ended.

They all told him that he had gotten taller.

When Ray stuck his key into the apartment door with a satisfying click, he didn’t expect it to swing open. “Ray!” His mother was absolutely beaming as she scooped him up into her arms. “You’re home! And you’ve gotten so big!” She covered him in kisses and Ray couldn’t tell if he was suffocating on affection or because of his mother’s vice-like hold on him.

He eventually found his voice and struggled against her grip, “Mama, you’re strangling me.”

She gasped and immediately dropped him, bags and all. She took to fussing over him, straightening his collar and slicking down a particularly stubborn cowlick, “You sound so different over the phone, mijo. Have you been eating alright? How are your classes going? Have you made many friends? You have been eating right?”

“Mama,” Ray said again, this time a little more forcefully, “Can I at least come inside first?”

His mother pinched his cheek and opened the door wider, “There’s no need to get short with me. Can’t a mother miss her baby?”

Ray fought a smile and crossed the threshold before dropping his duffle bag and backpack on the floor, “I missed you too, alright?” As his mother closed the front door, Ray realized how cozy and warm the inside of the apartment felt. Something smelled delicious. He wandered over to the stove and peered into the pot, “What are you making?”

His mother immediately shooed him away from the food, “You’ll find out in a bit. Now go put your stuff away in your room and wash up.”

“But Mama,” Ray whined obnoxiously, “I just got home! I’m hungry...” He grinned at her playfully and she picked up the spoon that was sitting on the counter.

“You may have been gone for a few months, but you know how things work around here.” She tried to keep a straight face, but the corners of her mouth kept quirking upwards. Ray chuckled as he dragged his bags into his room. “And when you’re done, you can tell me all about school!” She called after him.

“I already told you everything over the phone!” A lie. A big fat lie that Ray didn’t realize he told until the words left his mouth. He swallowed thickly and listened to his mother laugh as she rattled around in the kitchen.

“But I want to hear you tell me in person, baby!” She said over the noise.

Ray dropped his bags on his bed and ran a hand through his hair before taking a look around his room. It had been a while, and though nothing had changed, everything in the room felt…different.

This was going to be a weird few days.

____________________

It was the beginning of a long weekend and Ray was having trouble keeping the biggest secret of his life under wraps. On Thursday they went to an aunt’s place and the small house was packed full of people asking him about school. Among all the aunts, uncles, and cousins, Ray did find some comfort in the holiday atmosphere. But when they would ask him about the Academy, he’d spit out the same standard reply.

Lots of tests, lots of papers, and lots of prayer.

They would nod sagely and ruffle his hair before telling him that he was a good kid with a lot of potential. It wasn’t the worst way to spend a Thanksgiving, but it was exhausting.

Early in the afternoon, Ray and his cousins set up a sort of video game rotation in front of the television in the master bedroom. They took turns by passing the controllers around in order from oldest to youngest. The only thing really keeping Ray grounded between the loud laughter, family in-jokes, and waiting for his turn to play was the periodic texts from Gavin. Apparently he wasn’t faring much better.

_my brother’s being well obnoxious. Starting to wonder if we’re even related_

Ray raised an eyebrow at the most recent text he received. A Free boy? Obnoxious? Yeah big surprise there. Ray texted back a quick reply that said as much and sat his phone down on the floor next to him just as the controller was passed into his hands.

Gavin’s reply to Ray’s text was quick and numerous because suddenly his phone vibrated intensely several times in a row. Ray bit back a smile as he shot down a character on the screen. He could practically hear Gavin’s indignant squawk in his ears.

It was when one of his cousins leaned over and picked up his phone however, that Ray suddenly realized that he probably most definitely should put a lock on his screen.

She deftly flicked through his phone, the blue light reflecting off of her chipped glitter nail polish. Ray tried to focus solely on the video game, but he was too busy waiting with his heart in his throat for a comment made in jest that would no doubt cut him to the quick in that way that family joked. He tried to go through possible replies that Gavin could have sent. They wouldn’t be too bad, right?

Ray supposed that he could just reach over and take the phone from her, but that would seem too suspicious, right? He chanced a quick look her way and saw that she had a contemplative look on her face. He couldn’t tell if it was twisted in confusion or what. Suddenly without realizing it, Ray’s character died and his turn was over. He focused back on the screen, half confused, before passing the controller back down the line. He looked at his cousin as casually as he could muster.

“Mind giving that back?”

She looked up at him with big eyes and long lashes and handed his phone back, “You don’t have any good games on here.” She said matter-of-factly.

Ray stopped himself from sighing in relief. “Uh, sorry?”

She shrugged, which apparently meant that his apology was accepted, and rested her head against his shoulder as she watched the next person play. Ray flipped through his phone and quickly read over Gavin’s texts. Half of them were just sad face emoticons. The other half were him resolutely refusing that he was anything like his brother.

It turned out Ray didn’t have anything to worry about. And really, as Ray thought about it, he wasn’t sure why he had freaked out in the first place. He and Gavin were friends. Friends texted each other over long weekends. But that said, Ray forewent replying and slipped his phone in his pocket so he could focus on the actual conversation in the room. Friends could wait for a few hours.

A few hours later was when dinner was ready. Ray’s mother and the other older women had been cooking in the kitchen all morning and afternoon. The fathers and uncles were loudly watching television in the living room and had tried numerous times to sneak food from the stove. They were chased out of the kitchen with wooden spoons and sharp tongues.

Once the kids had been called down to set the table and the food was spread out, everything looked and smelled delicious. After a long prayer, the conversation flowed freely. Dishes were passed back and forth across the table and the laughter was loud and raucous and Ray felt totally and completely at home. All the anxiety of school and relationships was forgotten in the warm waves of the familial atmosphere.

And then his phone buzzed in his pocket.

It was Gavin. It had to be, because no one else Ray knew would text him at six on a freaking Thanksgiving Thursday. Ray tried to ignore his phone, but it buzzed a second time. Then a third. Ray slowly chewed his food and mulled over his options. He could just ignore it. He was getting better at ignoring Gavin’s more irritating behavior. At least he thought he was getting better at it, but in reality he was probably worse than he was at the beginning of the school year.

Ray swallowed his food and pulled his phone out of his pocket.

It was the second day of the five day weekend and Gavin was already ready to go back to school. The messages were literally just a wall of text complaining about his family. Ray didn’t even bother reading through all of them; he typed out a half assed response and hit send.

_ok dude i love u but ur gonna have to deal with this shit urself_

He sent it before he realized what he had written. He didn’t mean to say he loved the guy. At least, he didn’t mean it in a gushy sort of boyfriend-y way. Ray considered sending a follow up text, but he couldn’t compose a text in his head that wouldn’t make it worse or more awkward before his phone buzzed again.

_I think I just miss you is all._

Well way to make a guy feel like shit. Ray shoved his phone back in his pocket and stabbed at the food on his plate. Whatever, it’s not like they weren’t going to see each other on Monday anyway. Dinner flowed into dessert turned into late night conversation before Ray and his mother headed home.

Gavin hadn’t texted him since dinner.

Ray glowered into his scarf as he sat at the bus stop next to his mother. He had a dish of leftovers in his hands that warmed his fingers. A bag of even more food hung on his wrist.

Spending time with his family reminded him why he was at school in the first place: to graduate. Graduate and do something else. But he realized that the problem in that was that he didn’t know what that something else was. He could go to college, but he had no clue what he would major in. He had no clue what he liked.

Besides Gavin.

If anyone asked Ray Narvaez what his interests were, and if he was being completely honest with that person and himself, he would say Gavin Free.

And that simultaneously pissed him off and freaked him out.

Because he was supposed to be the one with the potential. The one with the long term goals and eventual success. He was supposed to positively contribute to his culture. But instead he was fifteen and couldn’t speak Spanish and fell for this completely British putz. And really, how much more Anglo Saxon could you get?

The bus pulled up with its squeaky brakes and Ray stood. The bag around his wrist swung languidly and the smell of food wafted past his face. His mother climbed aboard with her own arms loaded down with dishes of leftovers. The bus rolled on down the road and the streetlights shone bright in the late November night.

____________________

Black Friday was one of Ray’s least favorite “holidays” of the year. Don’t get him wrong, he appreciated the fact that it was the only reason he got half of his Christmas gifts year in and year out, but getting up in the middle of the night to stand in long lines wasn’t ideal. But he and his mother had their own fun waiting for the stores to open. They’d crack jokes and his mother would tell some outrageous story from one of her jobs while they rubbed their hands together and watched their breath make small clouds in the air. Then an employee would walk up to the store doors and the crowd would hush as the doors swung open. That was when the chaos would always start.

If there was one thing that Black Friday taught Ray, it was not to come between two grown women and discounted merchandise. The number of fights he had to break up was distressing and he had a couple of scrapes and bruises to wear as battle scars. But as they were standing in the checkout of their final stop, his mother was happy with their haul and that was all that mattered.

Ray rocked on his heels and pushed the cart back and forth. “You got everything on your list?” He asked. His mother was checking off the last of the items on a crumpled piece of paper, her tongue peeking out from between her lips.

She nodded curtly and tucked the paper away, “Done and done.” She said as she checked her wristwatch, “Just in time for my afternoon shift at work too.”

Ray ran his index finger along the metal edge of the cart. The sun was just now peeking over the horizon and they had gotten home late last night. Ray wondered how much sleep his mother had actually gotten. “Do you really have to work today?” He knew the answer to that. He always knew the answer to that because the answer was always yes.

His mother smiled softly and tugged down the front of his beanie so that it covered his eyes. Ray swatted her hands away with a grumble. “Tomorrow we’ll sleep in together, okay? We won’t get out of bed until noon.” Ray pushed up his beanie and watched her rifle through her purse. He crossed his arms on the cart’s handle and rested his chin on top.

“Yeah alright.” The line moved forward a few steps and they followed. When they rolled to a stop, Ray, with his chin still on his arms, tilted his head side to side, “At least we’ve got all those leftovers so you don’t have to cook for a while.”

His mother hummed in her throat. “Now you won’t starve while I’m gone.” She pulled out her wallet and shifted through the receipts and spare bills while ignoring her son pouting at her.

“Hey! I’m pro at the microwave, y’know. Like a friggin’ chef.” Ray said.

She still didn’t even bother looking up at him as she patiently said, “Chef Boyardee, maybe, mijo.”

Ray clutched his hand over his heart and swayed on the spot. “You cut me deep, Mama.”

His mother merely giggled and leaned down to give him a kiss on the cheek. Ray accepted that as a form of apology and pushed the cart when the line shuffled forward again.

When they got home, Ray helped his mother put away their merchandise in all the available space their closets would allow. With a packed lunch of Thanksgiving leftovers, he shooed her out the door and on her way to work. With the apartment quiet and empty, Ray decided that it would be a good time for a quick nap.

A quick nap turned into several hours and Ray woke up confused and hungry. When he wandered out of the bathroom after a quick piss, he noticed the light on his phone going off. That was probably what woke him up. He checked his messages while heading into the kitchen.

He had two texts from Caleb and a missed call from Gavin. Ray pulled out a Tupperware container and decided to deal with Caleb first.

_Hey just got back from a movie and bored as anything._

_Wanna skype?_

Ray picked up a slice of cold turkey meat and popped it in his mouth. Yeah okay. It wasn’t like he had anything better to do. After making a sandwich piled high with leftover food and grabbing a soda from the fridge, Ray went into his room and closed the door. He set his lunch on the bed and turned on his laptop. As it was booting up, he texted Caleb back. The missed call icon still stared up at him from the screen.

Ray logged onto Skype and typed Caleb’s username into the search bar and added him as a contact. A few seconds later, he was receiving a call from the guy. Ray clicked the answer button and Caleb’s grainy face was grinning at him.

“’Sup?” He said.

Ray shrugged and popped open his can of Coke, “Nothing much. Got back from Black Friday shopping, so. Y’know. That was something.”

Caleb winced, “Yikes. My mom and sister went, but I slept in. Find anything good?”

Ray stopped taking a drink from his soda and let the rim of the can rest against his bottom lip. He went through a mental checklist of everything he and his mother had bought that morning. “I guess? I mean my mom was happy so I guess that’s all that matters.”

Caleb cooed and tilted his head to the side. He wasn’t wearing his baseball cap, but had a blanket pulled up over his head, “Aw, look at you being a considerate son.”

Ray nearly choked on the bubbles tickling the back of his throat. He sputtered and frowned at his laptop screen, “Shut up.” He put his can down on the nightstand next to his bed and picked up the plate with his sandwich. “Anyway, you said you got back from the movies. What’d you guys see?”

Caleb practically lit up and took control of the conversation. They talked about asinine stuff for a while: family members and Christmas music and holiday specials. It was easy to shift from topic to topic and Ray wondered why he didn’t talk to Caleb more when they were at school.

Ray was picking at the remains of his sandwich and listening to Caleb’s chatter when his phone lit up and vibrated. It was a text from Kerry.

_Movie marathon the Friday after we get back. Me you miles monty and gavin. You still down?_

Oh right, Ray had nearly forgotten about that.

_yeah sounds good_

He sent his reply and went back to picking over the soggy bread on his plate. Soon his phone buzzed again and he looked back at the screen.

 _cool. if you have any recs or w/e text miles_ -the message was followed by a number Ray didn’t recognize- _just a warning. he’s really picky about shit._

Ray tapped on the number and typed out Miles’s name before saving the new contact. It wasn’t like he had anything to add to whatever lineup the trio had settled on, but whatever. He had another incoming text from Kerry before he could put his phone back down.

_Actually no hit up monty instead. He’s less likely to judge you._

There was another number that Ray didn’t know, so he added the even newer contact under Monty’s name. Ray really had nothing useful to contribute because the last anime he had watched was from the early two thousands and involved children’s card games. But he shot a quick _thanks_ to Kerry anyway.

“Who’re you texting?” Caleb asked. He had a mug full of apple cider and was sipping it carefully.

Ray looked up from his phone and shot Caleb a sheepish smile. He hadn’t even noticed him leave and come back. “Ah, just Kerry. We’re supposed to do a movie thing when we get back.”

Caleb grinned. “Sounds boring.”

“You’re boring.” Ray said. It wasn’t the best rebuttal to be honest.

Caleb laughed and his eyes flickered from the soft light of his computer screen, “Sweet comeback, dude.”

“ _You’re_ a sweet comeba – wait no,” He really hadn’t thought that one all the way through before he said it. He and Caleb had a good laugh about it anyway.

The sun had set at some point so Ray turned on his lamp as he got up to put away his plate and grab another can from the fridge. He settled back onto his bed when his phone buzzed again and he groaned. Who could that possibly be this time?

“Wow, you’re blowing up over there, dude.” Caleb said as he pulled the corners of his blanket tighter under his chin. “Aren’t you Mr. Popular.” He teased.

Ray shrugged and grunted. When he looked at the screen and read who the text was from, he hoped his face didn’t look at sick as he felt. His hands started to get clammy as he slid his finger across the hard surface of his phone to read the message in full. “Nah, it’s just Gavin.” He heard himself say. Ray had totally forgotten that Gavin had called earlier and he had honestly meant to call him back eventually. It just slipped his mind.

_Wassup?_

Yeah, real open ended there, Gavino, Ray thought. Let’s just pretend Thursday didn’t end on a weird note. Way to lob the ball in Ray’s court as per usual. Ray resisted the urge to roll his eyes with a huff and sent a reply.

_nm just video chatting with caleb_

That was equally noncommittal, right? There was no way that screamed “I really want to talk to you and sorry for saying I love you because that was totally weird my bad I meant it in a friendly way”. Ray was actually kind of proud of himself for that text, if he was being honest. Then Gavin texted back and Ray couldn’t help but chuckle.

_what???? i wanna join!!!_

With the ridiculous amount of punctuation, Ray had to admire the enthusiasm. When Caleb asked him what was so funny, he just shook his head, “Gav’s being a needy baby and wants to play.”

The distinct sound of a contact coming online beeped from Caleb’s speakers. “Geez he just got online too. I’m gonna add him to the chat okay?” Caleb’s face disappeared and the chat window took up most of the screen and Ray waited a bit for the conference call box to show up. When it did, he clicked the answer button and was suddenly greeted by Gavin’s voice blaring through his headphones.

“EEEEEEEY!”

Ray nearly jumped out of his skin while Caleb yelped and could be heard fumbling around for the mute button, “Jesus Christ! I don’t have my earphones in, asshole! You’re gonna wake my whole family!”

Gavin just giggled and offered a less than sincere apology. “So what are you lads up to?”

Ray shrugged, but then realized Gavin couldn’t see him, and spoke up, “Eh, I’m home alone so…just sort of chilling I guess?”

“Where’s your family?” Gavin asked

“Only child, single mother, remember?” Ray tried not to sound miffed, because really, Gavin should have known that already. “And Mom’s still at work. She’s not getting home ‘til hella late.”

Gavin did seem to notice the agitation as he said, “Jesus, who works late on Black Friday?”

Ray bit back a sigh and was going to say something, but Caleb cut in first. “Uh, how about anybody who works retail, Gav.” His voiced sounded muffled so Ray assumed that his face was in his cup again. “Man, inconsiderate much?” He said before taking a loud sip of his cider.

Ray silently thanked Caleb as Gavin conceded to his point. “Fair enough.” He said thoughtfully. Then he posited another question to Ray, and Ray could just imagine the quizzical look on Gavin’s face, “What does your mother do anyway, Ray?”

Taking a second to mull over his answer, Ray was grateful for the lack of video. He chewed his lip for a while before settling on the vaguest answer he could think of. “I mean, y’know. Work I guess?” He didn’t really know what else to say. How was he supposed to tell them that his mother worked three different jobs just to keep the water running and the lights on? Luckily, that sad excuse for an answer was enough for Gavin and Caleb didn’t seem all that interested in the subject in the first place.

“You should throw a party.” Gavin joked, giggling at his own suggestion.

Ray chuckling as he rolled his eyes. “Yeah I’m sure the cat lady on the second floor would love to come to my rager. Hottest party on the block.” They all laughed.

“I _am_ sorry you have to spend your holiday weekend alone though.”

God, Ray hated the sound of pity in Gavin’s voice just then. “Nah, I’m used to it.” He climbed under his covers and pulled his sheets beneath his chin.

“On the bright side, you get to see our sorry mugs on Monday, so you’ve got something to look forward too.” Caleb said jokingly.

Gavin chimed in with, “If it makes you feel any better my brothers are being a complete nuisance. Well, they were at any rate. One went to visit his girlfriend and the other sort of disappeared. I don’t know what he does when he’s not being a prick.”

Ray smiled into the soft fabric of his blankets. “Well thanks. That does make me feel better.” His voice was muffled but he figured he still got his gratitude across. He really was thankful for these losers he considered friends.

There was a loud yawn in Ray’s ears and he couldn’t figure out if it was Caleb or Gavin. “Alright losers,” Caleb said sleepily, “It’s getting late and I have more scheduled family hangout time tomorrow. Talk to you later?”

“Yeah see you later, Caleb.” Ray said.

“Ooh Ray!” Gavin piped up excitedly, “With Caleb gone, we can video chat! Come on let’s do it. I want to see your face.”

Ray’s scoffed, “You just saw my face on Wednesday, what are you talking about?”

Gavin’s giggle filtered through the headphones like static, making Ray smile. Caleb yawned again and told them to play nice before ending the call. Almost immediately after, Ray received a contact request from Gavin and an excited emoticon when he accepted.

_Gavin Free: we should def vid chat though_

_Gavin Free: tomorrow?_

_Ray Narvaez: k_

_Gavin Free:_ promise?

 _Ray Narvaez:_ yeah i promise asshole

 _Ray Narvaez:_ don’t get your panties in a twist

The sound of the key in the lock rattled through the empty apartment and the front door swung open. Ray could hear his mother’s heavy footsteps as she trudged over the threshold. Today must have sucked.

 _Ray Narvaez:_ look my moms back gtg

 _Gavin Free:_ bye ray!

_Gavin Free: see you tomorrow!_

_Ray Narvaez:_ bye gav

 _Gavin Free:_ <3!

Ray stared at his laptop. The emoticon heart stared back. How the hell was he supposed to respond to that? He chewed the inside of his cheek before hitting a few keys and hurriedly logging out. His face was red as he closed his computer shut and slipped out of bed to greet his mother, but he tried to ignore the heat settling in his cheeks.

 _Ray Narvaez:_ <3

____________________

It was early Saturday morning when Ray knocked on his mother’s bedroom door. He heard her groggy mumbling and, assuming it was an invite, cracked open the door and slipped inside. The lump in the middle of his mother’s bed rolled over before she pulled the sheets away from her face.

“Morning,” He said as he rubbed one of his eyes. The oversized shirt he had on, the one that used to be his father’s, hung off one of his shoulders. He shuffled across the room and crawled into bed with his mother.

She grunted and moved over to make room. Ray settled in the residual heat that clung to the mattress and cuddled up under his mother. She exhaled and draped one of her arms over him as Ray breathed in all the smells of home and comfort. The easygoing atmosphere lulled Ray into sleep and he drifted in and out of consciousness several times over the course of the next few hours. He wasn’t sure what time it was when he fluttered open his eyes to see his mother staring at him with a gentle smile. He frowned, and buried his face in his pillow.

“What?” He said around the fabric.

She chuckled and Ray felt her fingers tuck a stray piece of hair behind his ear. “Nothing,” She said. “Are you happy out there?”

He shifted his face so that he could look at her with one eye, though his glasses were so askance, she just looked like a fuzzy outline, “Yeah I guess. Class is whatever and the people are weird, but everything’s good.” He turned his face all the way to the side and reached up to fix his glasses. “Me and Gavin are even supposed to be hanging with some friends next Friday.”

His mother’s eyes narrowed as she repeated Gavin’s name and Ray had almost forgotten how her nose scrunched up when she was trying to remember something, “That’s your roommate right? Gavin?” She eventually said. “You don’t talk about him much.”

Ray struggled to shrug while lying down, “Not much to talk about,” he lied. “He’s kinda dumb and really loud.”

“Tell me more about this dumb loud roommate of yours.” She snuggled deeper into the covers and blinked owlishly at him. She was playing the cute card. It had never worked on his father, but Ray was the kind of boy who liked to keep his mother happy.

So Ray chose his words carefully and started talking about Gavin. He talked about his weirdly picky sense of style and ridiculous nose and wild hair. About his foppish accent and bizarre vocabulary. He left out the parts about the drinking and the smoking and the kissing, but he could feel his face break out into a smile anyway as he continued to talk and he was waving his arms in long arcs in the air, trying to paint a picture because _no Mama you don’t get it this kid is unbelievable_.

When he finished, his mother pulled him close so that his face was buried in the crook of her neck and she smelled like everything that reminded Ray of home, “I’m so glad you’re doing okay, mijo. I worry about you.”

“You don’t have to. Really.” Ray said, not bothering to wiggle out of her grasp.

She kissed the top of his head and hummed softly, “I can’t help it. It’s my job as a mother.”

“Yeah well speaking of jobs, you’re working again tonight, right?”

She hummed in the affirmative, keeping her eyes closed and her nose nestled in his hair. “It should be slower than yesterday hopefully.”

They lazed around for a little while longer before Ray was kicked out of the bedroom so his mother could get ready. He slunk around the apartment for a bit before packing a brown paper bag full of leftovers. His mother thanked him with a kiss on the forehead before heading out.

In the silence she left behind, Ray made his own lunch and decided to get some homework done. He fussed around with some practice problems for Geometry before deciding that long weekend homework was dark magic bullshit and stuffed his notebook back in his backpack.

He pissed away the rest of the afternoon and the early evening moving from the living room couch to his bed to the kitchen. He even tried playing a few video games, but for some reason, not even that could hold his attention.

Which is how Ray eventually ended up talking to Gavin when the sun had set and the street had grown quiet.

They were just voice chatting at first, talking about nothing terribly interesting. Then the conversation lulled to a stop and there was a weird silence from Gavin’s end, almost like he was hovering, waiting, for something. So Ray asked him what was wrong.

“Nothing. I – I had this plan and I wanted to show you something, but I’m not sure if it’s a good idea yet.” He had to be fidgeting and staring at his hands because his voice sounded far off.

Ray rolled his eyes. “I’ve already gone with your shitty ideas so far, so the chance that I’ll say no is pretty fucking low, man.”

He was met with another bout of silence before his computer started ringing and that black box popped up on his screen. He hovered his mouse over the middle green button for a second as he held his breath and straightened his back. He clicked “Answer with video”.

And then Gavin’s grainy face was on his screen, looking the same as he did on Wednesday, and Ray didn’t know why he thought that the guy would look different in only a few days. Gavin’s room was dark and he was wearing a shirt that looked to be two sizes too small but all that mattered was that he was there and smiling at Ray.

Ray was afraid he would feel pretty silly sitting in his small room in his ratty tee, frayed hoodie, and faded boxers, but Gavin didn’t seem to notice because he was too busy drinking in the sight of Ray with his eyes.

“Hey,” Ray said.

Gavin’s eyes locked with Ray’s and his face softened, “Hey.”

They talked a bit about nothing really important before Ray tackled the elephant in the chat room. “Sooooo, what did you want to show me?”

Gavin swallowed and shifted his weight on his bed. Ray could hear the springs creak. “Nah it’s a dumb idea. Forget I said anything.”

“Really, asshole? You’re gonna punk out now? Don’t leave me hanging.”

Gavin rubbed a hand over his face and seemed to mentally assess his available options. He dragged his palm down his nose until he was peering at Ray over the tips of his fingers. “Okay, but you have to close your eyes first.” Ray did as instructed and the connection went impossibly quiet, so he assumed that Gavin muted his mic. After a time had passed, the faint humming was back in Ray’s ears and Gavin took a deep breath, “Alright. You can open them.”

Ray chuckled as he opened his eyes, “Gee thanks, what took you so long-” But then his words died in his throat because Ray realized that Gavin was naked. Gavin was sitting on his bed, in the dark, in front of his computer naked. Like completely and totally in the nude, and it took everything in Ray not to cover his face and blush furiously. His mouth had gone dry though so he tried to swallow and quickly looked down at his keyboard, “What are you – _why_ are you –” but the words just wouldn’t come out even with the entire alphabet staring Ray in the face.

Gavin’s voice wavered over the connection, “Whenever we try to touch dicks in person, you get all weird about it. So I thought we could try this.” Ray didn’t answer and just fingered the spaces between his keys. “Or not,” Gavin’s voice had gone up an octave and, shit, Ray had fucked up again, “It’s a dumb stupid idiot idea I don’t know why I thought of it. I shouldn’t’ve done this. I should’ve just kept this to myself.”

There was frantic shuffling from Gavin’s end and Ray squeezed his eyes shut.

“Wait.”

His voice sounded a lot quieter than he intended, but Gavin stilled just the same. Keeping his eyes shut, Ray slowly unzipped his hoodie. The zipper was heavy and cold between his fingers. It was only when he sloughed off the heavy fabric that he opened his eyes and looked at the screen. Gavin was staring at him slack jawed, with his underwear pulled up to his belly button and one leg in his pajama pants. He was still shirtless. Ray held up a finger, “Gimme a sec,” he said before scrambling off his bed.

He turned on the lamp on his nightstand and flicked off the overhead light. When he made sure that his bedroom door was locked, he leaned his forehead against the doorframe and took a few deep breaths.

He was going to do this.

He was actually going to do this.

Ray swiped the bottle of lotion from the top of his dresser and crawled back onto his bed. Gavin was still in the same position Ray had left him in. They stared at each other for a while until Ray realized that Gavin hadn’t really planned beyond this part.

So Ray started touching himself first. He palmed his dick through the thin cloth of his boxers and felt weirdly self-conscious about it. Gavin’s face went completely red before he tentatively slipped his hand beneath the waistband of his underwear, but he was rubbing himself slowly and assuredly before long. Ray quickened his pace while watching Gavin firmly pump himself with his mouth slightly open.

Gavin leaned his head back, but Ray was the first to moan.

He didn’t mean to, it just kind of slipped past his lips, but when that small keening noise tumbled from his mouth, Gavin’s focus snapped one hundred percent on Ray and they were making eye contact. Ray’s rhythm faltered as he nearly stopped rubbing. Gavin broke the eye contact to look down at his lap. He shimmied off his boxers in a move that was both awkward and dancelike and before Ray realized it, he was looking at his roommate’s bare dick.

It was a pretty nice dick, Ray decided, and he wondered what it would feel like rutted against his, but he shook the thought from his mind. Ray pulled the front of his boxers low enough to free his own hardened cock and the cool air felt so good against his hot skin. Gavin hummed in Ray’s ears.

“Wow. It’s…”

“I swear to God, Gavin, if you say my dick is cute I will be so pissed.” Ray’s face was hot and his breathing was heavy, giving his words a sort of edge that made Gavin snap his mouth shut.

“It’s nice,” he muttered. “I was going to say that it’s nice.” Ray frowned at that, looking from his own dick to Gavin’s.

“Yours is nice too?”

“Is that a fact or a question?”

“I haven’t seen a lot of cocks alright? I don’t have much to compare it to.”

Gavin seemed to relax a bit and laughed, “Me neither, to be honest. But I like the look of yours.”

Ray rolled his eyes, “Stop being sappy. You wanna do this or not?”

“Do. Definitely do.” Gavin said before rubbing his thumb over the tip of his dick. He bit his bottom lip as he used his other hand to lightly squeeze his balls.

Ray’s hand was back on his own cock a split second later, he was still hot and hard and rubbed the length of his dick a few times before grabbing the bottle of lotion he had left thrown on the bed. He squirted a liberal amount in his hand and wrapped his fingers back around his hardened length. He breathed in sharply at the cold sensation but didn’t stop pumping. His vision was hazy, or maybe it was the resolution of the webcam, but he could still see Gavin stroking himself and playing with his balls. His rhythm was bordering on erratic and he leaned his head back against his headboard.

Ray had never seen anyone look more attractive in his life.

Ray couldn’t help but stare as he listened to the sound of him and Gavin pumping just off beat, the noise of flesh slapping against flesh feeding the searing heat that curled within Ray. Gavin came first, head thrown back and nearly crying through gritted teeth while cum coated his stomach. He swallowed down his moans and continued to milk the last of his orgasm with shaky fingers.

The sight was enough to push Ray towards the edge.

He roughly pulled up the hem of his shirt to reveal his stomach and clenched the fabric between his teeth. His strokes became sloppy to the point that he had to buck his hips up to meet his own hand and he knew he was a mess, but everything went white hot as his toes curled and his back arched and he nearly knocked his laptop onto the floor. The cotton of his shirt wasn’t enough to quiet his strangled shout, and the fabric fell from his mouth, but he was too busy sloppily repeating Gavin’s name to thank God for being home alone.

After he was spent, there was nothing but the sound of his and Gavin’s haggard breathing and Ray just stared at the warped shapes on the ceiling of his room. That was when the guilt gripped him tight. Semen was quickly cooling on his skin and he felt the need to scrub himself raw. He ran a hand through his damp hair and propped himself up on his elbows. Gavin had moved his laptop so he could lie on his side and he was looking at Ray with something this was undoubtedly affection and Ray felt guilty all over again.

“Made a bit of a mess, yeah?”

Ray smiled weakly, “Yeah. I should probably get cleaned up.”

Gavin nodded slowly, his lids heavy. He yawned. “Right,” He said tiredly. “See you on Monday?”

“Monday.” Ray parroted back.

And just like that the conversation was over and Ray was staring at his contact list, its harsh glow casting eerie shadows on the walls. Ray forced himself out of his bed and trudged to the bathroom.

The fluorescent bathroom light was bright and harsh and burned Ray’s eyes, but when he caught sight of himself in the mirror a different kind of burning scorched all over. His hair was wild and his eyes were bleary. His shirt was still pulled up under his armpits and streaks of semen gilded his stomach and chest. His throat closed up and it became hard to breathe, so he quickly shed his clothing and avoided looking into the mirror again. When he climbed into the shower, the water pounding from the shower head was scorching and seared red welts into Ray’s skin, but he didn’t notice. His thoughts were a roiling mass of friendships and morals and compromises and he watched each of them swirl down the rusted drain one by one.

____________________


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on December 21, 2013.

Ray was standing in front of the cafeteria with the wind tousling his hair as he talked to Michael. He shifted the foil wrapped packet in his hands and watched Michael breathe clouds into the cold air. It was the Monday morning after Thanksgiving weekend and the first official school day of December.

“So where is our idiot this morning anyway?”

Ray knocked the tip of his shoe against the cold hard ground in an attempt to keep the feeling in his toes. He shifted his weight from one foot to the other and answered Michael’s question. “Still sleeping probably. I didn’t wanna wake him up this morning. The asshole looked so peaceful, y’know?”

Michael scoffed, “Yeah so angelic you’d never guess how much of a pain in the ass he is when he’s awake.”

“Believe me, I know,” Ray laughed, “I was gonna head back and drag him out of bed so he doesn’t miss class.”

“Is that why you wrapped your eggs in that pancake?” Michael nodded towards the foil in Ray’s hands with raised eyebrows and a smirk tugging at his lips.

“Yeah man, it’s a breakfast burrito.” Ray said as though it was obvious. Which it was, as far as he was concerned. “What, you’ve never heard of a breakfast burrito before?”

“No, I know what a breakfast burrito is, Ray. That’s just the most half-assed attempt I’ve ever seen. But I’m sure you wrapped it with love.”

“I mean, not to brag but…” Ray shrugged as he tried to stifle a yawn, his smarmy comeback cut by the exhaustion persistently tugging at the edge of his consciousness.

Michael looked sympathetic as he tugged down one side of his beanie so that it covered the tip of his reddening ear. “Get in late?”

Ray shook his head as he finished yawning with a brusque exhale. “Nah, I got back yesterday afternoon and just lazed around until bed. I don’t think Gavin got back until late.” He shivered a little when a particularly strong gust cut through the buildings. “Which is ironic ‘cause I’m the one taking the bus across city lines.”

His shivering didn’t go unnoticed as Michael tugged off the scarf around his neck and wrapped it around Ray. As he concentrated on coiling the thick fabric around Ray’s previously exposed throat, Michael said, “That reminds me, I can give you a ride home for Winter Break. You’re like on the way or whatever.” His voice was kind of far away as he focused on finishing tightening the knot he had secured in the scarf. “Sorry I couldn’t give you one last week. I went home with Lindsay and hung with her family.”

Ray assured him that it was okay and shooed Michael away to prevent him from fussing over his handiwork too much. And it wasn’t as though Ray hadn’t noticed the marks on Michael’s neck earlier in the morning when they had first run into each other before breakfast. Some were fading into a sickly yellow while others were still the dark purples and reds of freshly acquired blemishes.

“You have a good break?” Ray said slyly, eyeing the hickeys.

Michael didn’t even bother to cover the bruises along his throat as he smirked back at Ray, “You know it.”

It was probably weird that Ray mused over how far Michael and Lindsay had gone. It was definitely weird to wonder if they were each other’s firsts. It made sense, if they were. They were in a relationship with each other and had been together for a while now. Plus, everyone assumed they would get married anyway – Michael and Lindsay were domestic like that – so boning before the inevitable was no biggie, right? Premarital sex in general wasn’t a bad thing, right? Ray figured people did it all the time. Not that you could tell that to Sister Emily who, for a health teacher, wasn’t actually the most open-minded when it came to doing the dirty. Ray tried to shake the thoughts of hard-ons, trailing kisses, and probing tongues from his mind and focused back on Michael’s smug face.

The fading musings mixed with the satisfied air that Michael had about him caused the words to tumble out of Ray’s mouth before he could really stop himself. “Hey, can two friends bang and still be friends?” He mentally winced as Michael stared at him, a little taken aback by either the question or the intensity with which Ray asked it. Ray went through a mental checklist of his posture and dropped the tension in his shoulders as he reminded himself to breathe. He tried for a casual clarification, “Like not date or whatever?”

“You mean like a one off thing?” Michael’s eyes were narrowed as he tried to figure out exactly what Ray was getting at and Ray was kind of praying at this point that he didn’t make a huge mistake asking Michael this.

The foil was pliable beneath Ray’s gloved fingers and effortlessly crinkled in his tightening grip, “No, I mean like an ongoing thing. With making out a lot and –”

“And seeing each other’s naughty bits?” Michael interjected. Ray nodded and swallowed thickly, hoping the question didn’t seem as stupid as he felt. Michael just shrugged and said, “Yeah sure, it’s called ‘friends with benefits’. Wait. Why? Is there someone you wanna bone? Is it Barbara? It’s Barb isn’t it?” Michael’s cheeky grin was in full effect and he sidled up next to Ray and bumped their shoulders together. Ray swayed from the contact and mentally scrambled for the most innocuous answer available.

“No, it’s just theoretical – hypothetical? – ‘cause we were talking about like piety and shit in class last week. Just wanted to see where you stood on that I guess.” That was pretty nice save, if Ray had to say so himself. He was so busy mentally congratulating himself over his bullshit answer to notice Gavin was standing behind him until Gavin had slipped his arms around Ray’s waist. Ray nearly jumped sky high while Gavin and Michael laughed.

Gavin’s cheek pressed hot against the side of Ray’s face and he locked his fingers, successfully trapping Ray against his chest. “Way to leave me there, Ray. Slipped out without so much as a word.”

“You were sleeping!” Ray tried to ignored how comforting Gavin’s chest felt, a welcoming heat working its way to Ray’s chilled core. He looked down at the food in his hands and frowned. “Besides you didn’t get back until late right? I went to bed before then.”

Gavin’s chest vibrated as he spoke and sent shivers up Ray’s spine. “Yeah I know you went to bed! When I got back, I was excited to see my little Ray for the first time in nearly a week only to walk in on you snoring like Geoff does after a night of drinking! I haven’t seen you in forever, Ray, at least pretend you missed me.”

Ray avoided stating that he didn’t have to miss Gavin when they had stay in pretty much constant contact over the course of the weekend. And five days was nowhere near forever. Ray pulled at Gavin’s fingers locked about his waist and wriggled out of his grasp. “I do not snore.”

“Except you do,” Gavin giggled and moved on to drape his arms over Michael’s shoulders. When he stood on his tiptoes, he was able to rest his chin on the top of his friend’s head. Michael did not look amused in the least.

“Whatever. I got you breakfast, asshole.” Ray thrust the food towards Gavin and avoided making eye contact with him or Michael, who was glowering about his newly acquired deadweight.

Gavin squealed and that had to be brutal for Michael’s eardrums because he visibly winced. “For me? Aw thanks, Ray!” He moved to unwrapped the foil and eat his breakfast, but Michael grabbed his wrist.

“I swear to God, Gavin. If you drop food on my head I’m cutting both of your hands off.”

Gavin squeaked and meekly pulled away from Michael as he started to open his aluminum wrapped breakfast. “Jesus, Michael. See if I share any with you now.”

Michael glared at Gavin for a minute and Gavin looked back at him wide-eyed and childlike while he took a bite out of the pancake and egg wrap. The corner of Michael’s lips quirked upwards before he chuckled. “Whatever, dumbass. I’ve gotta hit up the Fort before class. Enjoy your breakfast; Ray made it special just for you.”

Ray pulled the edge of the scarf up to his nose and fought down the blush that threatened to creep across his face. “Whatever dude, you’re just mad I didn’t make you one.”

“Green with envy, man.” Michael flipped Ray the bird as he started to walk backwards towards the direction of the theater. A cold breeze blew by and he shoved his hands back in his coat pocket. “Hey don’t forget to show up to the pageant performance. Yours truly is gonna be in it and I’ve worked my ass off for this.”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Michael. It’s mandatory anyway, isn’t it?” Ray was pretty sure that the Christmas pageant-slash-assembly was one of those things that you just couldn’t miss, like Sunday Mass or bible study. Things that were requirements issued by God. Or whatever entity oversaw the goings-on within Catholic schools.

“Yeah well. Still.” Michael said before turning around and continuing to walk away. His shoulders were hunched up and the wind continued to blow.

Ray and Gavin watched Michael’s retreating form for a while, Gavin noisily eating away at his breakfast burrito, before Ray realized that he still had Michael’s scarf. Gavin told him not to worry about it, looped his arm with Ray’s, and dragged them to their first class of the day.

It only took the first day back for Ray and Gavin to fall back into step. They were practically attached at the hip when the opportunity arose and, to Ray, it seemed as if they were closer than before. It made him wonder if this was the way couples acted because it was as if watching each other jerk off over Skype fundamentally changed something about their relationship.

When Gavin dragged Ray into the custodial closet after History class and crashed their lips together in the dim lighting, Ray decided to worry about the finer points of their relationship later.

____________________

The first time Ray decided he wanted to go all the way, it was Wednesday and they were supposed to be in English. They were on Gavin’s bed and Ray was straddling Gavin, his knees pinned to either side of Gavin’s narrow waist. They were kissing. It was sloppy and frantic because, really, they should be in a classroom and learning about literary classics right now, but God did this feel good. Ray ground down on Gavin’s hardening erection. Gavin moaned into Ray’s mouth as he bucked his hips up and Ray pulled away.

He leaned back and looked down at Gavin in all of his carnal glory: cheeks flushed, eyes half-lidded, and lips bright red. Ray shifted down Gavin’s legs so he could reach the button on Gavin’s khakis. He was fumbling with the damn thing when Gavin propped himself on his shoulders and looked down at him.

“What are you…?”

Ray finally won the battle against the button and unzipped the pants with relative ease. “Don’t get mad if I fuck this up.” He said as he rubbed Gavin’s erection through the soft fabric of his boxer briefs.

Gavin kept his mouth shut as he watched Ray pull down the elastic of his underwear. His dick bobbed free and Ray noted that it looked bigger in person. Though, as he wrapped his lithe fingers around it, he considered that that may have been the fact that Gavin’s hands were bigger than his own.

Ray tried to stop overthinking things and focused on the task at hand. He ran his thumb over Gavin’s slit, already slick with precum. Gavin leaned back against the bed, his head hit his pillow with a thud and he shakily exhaled. Ray wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not, so he loosened his grip and leaned forward to look at Gavin’s face, “You okay?”

“You ever done this before?” Gavin didn’t meet Ray’s gaze and stared straight up at the ceiling.

“Nope.” Ray said matter-of-factly, his lips making a popping sound on the end of the word, “But how hard can it be, right?” His word choice hadn’t been intentional, but it was definitely appropriate.

Gavin lay there for a second, staring at the ceiling, and just when Ray started to feel really silly sitting between Gavin’s legs with his half-hard cock held loosely in his grip, Gavin spoke up. “Right.” He said and settled so that he was comfortable. “Go on then.”

Ray adjusted his grip and looked back at Gavin’s cock in his hand. He slowly stroked until Gavin was fully erect before he leaned down and pressed his lips to the tip. He ran his tongue over the slit and continued pumping. As Ray swirled and flicked his tongue across the tip of Gavin’s dick, Gavin blissfully hummed in the back of his throat.

Ray wrapped his lips around the head of Gavin’s cock, and lowered himself around the shaft, keeping his tongue flat against the sensitive underside. He started bobbing up and down and tried to get used to the feeling of his mouth being full. He could only make it about halfway down the length at first and made sure to stroke what his lips couldn’t reach. When he got comfortable with that and with Gavin’s moans ringing in his ears, Ray tried to take in more of Gavin’s cock. It was going well until Gavin suddenly bucked his hips up with a particularly loud groan.

Ray gagged and pulled off of Gavin’s dick with a hideous choking noise. He coughed and tried to catch his breath, but still kept pumping at a slower pace and with a looser grip.

“Y’alright?” The question was nearly breathless, but there was still concern coating his words.

Once Ray found his voice again, he answered with a raspy “Yeah I’m good,” and wiped his mouth with the back of his free hand. “Let’s try that again.”

He didn’t try to take Gavin all in at once this time and focused on running his tongue across the underside of his dick while he pumped the base. When Ray had found a good rhythm again, Gavin rolled his hips up once more and Ray had to push him back down on the mattress with a firm hand. Gavin whined in protest but kept still anyway. Ray pulled off of Gavin’s dick with a pop and placed soft kisses along the shaft as a form of apology.

Pulling down the elastic of Gavin’s underwear, Ray lightly squeezed his balls, eliciting a rather needy whine from Gavin. Ray licked and sucked the soft skin of Gavin’s shaft before putting the length back in his mouth. He continued massaging and playing with Gavin’s balls and, as he steadily took in more of the shaft while Gavin’s dick slowly slid to the back of his throat, Ray was so focused on his tempo and remembering to breathe that it took him by surprise when Gavin grabbed a fistful of his hair.

Ray slowed down and was about to ask him if something was wrong when Gavin groaned. “Don’t stop. Don’t-” So Ray went back to bobbing up and down with Gavin’s fingers in his hair and his own erection straining against his pants.

Gavin’s words were caught in his throat as his face twisted in a silent cry and one of his hands fisted the sheets, so when he came, Ray got one hell of a surprise.

His mouth was suddenly full of salty discharge and Ray quickly pulled off of Gavin’s dick before Gavin even finished riding out his orgasm. Even when Ray caught some of Gavin’s cum on his cheek, he didn’t really process it because he was sitting on his knees with a mouthful of semen and he suddenly realized that he didn’t think this through. He didn’t think this through at _all_.

Ray didn’t know whether he should swallow or not, but he knew he can’t hold it in his mouth forever. He watched Gavin stroke himself as he rubbed out the last of his orgasmic high, quite literally taking things into his own hands since Ray absconded. Ray decided that spitting was a good idea and moved to get off the bed and spit into the trashcan in the corner of the room, but Gavin grabbed his wrist.

Ray looked back at Gavin, who had propped himself up on an elbow and was looking bleary and unfocused. Without saying a word, Gavin sat up and licked the trail of semen on Ray’s cheek, his tongue smooth and warm and wet.

“What are-” Ray tried to ask, but he had to quickly close his mouth shut because a gross mix of spit and cum dribbled from between his lips.

Gavin tilted his head appraisingly and studied the mess trickling from Ray’s mouth before ducking his head and licking that up as well. His tongue caught on the corner of Ray’s mouth and he placed a soft kiss to his lips. Gavin deftly undid Ray’s pants and fished out his cock in a swift motion before gently biting at Ray’s bottom lip. It was a request. A simple wordless request that took Ray all of a second to consider.

Ray complied, and the warm mix of saliva and semen dripped down his chin and spilled into Gavin’s mouth as they start to make out.

They were making a mess, a big frothy mess on Gavin’s bed, but Ray was too busy enjoying Gavin’s tight grip on his dick and warm tongue in his mouth to care. With long, slender fingers, Gavin’s hand around Ray’s cock felt foreign and oh so good. The soft pads of his fingers skimmed across the skin on the back of Ray’s neck and Gavin pulled him in closer and deepened the kiss. He never stopped stroking Ray from base to tip and back again. It wasn’t long before Ray came hard and fast in Gavin’s hand with a whimper. He broke the kiss to lean his forehead in the crook of Gavin’s neck and shamelessly moaned until he was spent.

There were a few moments where there was only the sound of haggard breathing and then Ray chuckled weakly, his face still pressed against Gavin’s sticky skin. “So how was that?”

Gavin hummed thoughtfully and shifted a bit on the bed. “Not bad I suppose.” His smirk could be heard in his voice and Ray shakily pulled away so he could sit up and punch Gavin in the shoulder.

“Gee thanks, asshole.” Gavin giggled and leaned back, placing his hands on the mattress. Ray looked down at his clothes and realized that he really _really_ didn’t think this through. “God, gross, we made a mess.”

“Shower?” Gavin said with a yawn. He sleepily blinked at Ray, “We can go down to the laundry room and wash clothes and sheets if you want.”

Ray pursed his lips, the sharp taste of semen still on his tongue. “So we’re skipping class for the rest of the day?” It wasn’t exactly how Ray had planned this day to go and he wasn’t sure how he felt about it. He was still riding on the coattails of his intoxicating post-sex buzz to really be able to feel too upset.

Gavin half shrugged, not even bothering to look all that apologetic. “Sorry? To be fair Ray, you did start all of this.”

Ray pushed himself off the bed and started to pull his sweater over his head. “You know what they say, to err is human and all that.”

“Yeah yeah and to forgive is divine.” Gavin waved him off. Or at least Ray assumed that Gavin waved him off because Ray had managed to get his head stuck in the neck of his sweater. “I’ve never been quite good at that part to be honest.” Gavin continued to say as he tugged the sweater over Ray’s head. Ray shook his head and rubbed at the back of his neck.

“Well we’ve all got our hang ups, dude. Now let’s go wash up. I’m feeling all gross and shit. ”

After shoving their soiled stuff in one of the communal washing machines, Ray and Gavin showered and cuddled up on Ray’s bed. It was still early in the evening when the pair drifted off, legs and arms tangled together and foreheads pressed together.

____________________

Gus Sorola was a smart guy. He was a smart guy with a perpetual bitchface and a stick rammed up his ass fifty percent of the time and, to be honest, he kind of intimidated Ray. But he was smart. Smart and surprisingly charitable.

Ray ran his pencil over the bottom row of his teeth, making a clacking sound again and again. He stared down at the numbers, shapes, and equations littering his paper. Gus slid the calculator across the table and tapped at the screen, “That should be the area of the inscribed triangle. What answer did you get?”

“Uh,” Ray chewed on the eraser of his pencil and looked from the calculator to the number he had circled on his scratch paper. “Not that?”

Gus sighed and Ray felt guilty. The guy was trying his hardest to help Ray understand his homework, and normally Ray was pretty decent with math, but he just couldn’t quite get it today. Or yesterday. Or three weeks ago when he probably should have first asked for help.

Gus picked up the Geometry textbook and flipped through a few pages, looking for more example problems to attempt to explain to Ray for the umpteenth time how exactly angles and circles worked. Ray’s phone, which was sitting on the table among the pencils, notebook paper, and eraser shavings, vibrated violently and nearly rumbled onto the floor.

Ray picked it up and shot a furtive glance at Gus. Seeing that he had his nose deep in the textbook while mumbling to himself, Ray unlocked his phone and read the text.

_Got stuck doing a mock interview with kat. Save me._

Ray’s phone vibrated again as a picture of Gavin making an exasperated face popped up. Ray smiled and took a picture of the messy table before shooting back a quick reply.

_can’t. gus is trying to help me with geometry. keyword trying_

Ray went back to running his pencil over his teeth while he waited for Gavin to message him back. He was so focused on staring at his screen that he didn’t notice that Gus had returned his attention to Ray. His phone buzzed again.

_Why go to gus when I could help you_

Ray rolled his eyes. God, Gavin was such a whiny brat sometimes. Never mind that it had taken the teacher pulling him aside and suggesting that he find one of the student tutors to help him salvage his grade in the class for Ray to even admit that he was struggling in Geometry. There was no way that giving Gavin a modicum of authority over Ray and his school work wouldn’t end poorly. The pencil noisily clicked over his teeth as Ray sent a reply.

_because if we tried to study together we’d probably end up…not studying_

“You wanna stop that anytime soon?” Gus said.

Ray jumped, slammed his knee against the underside of the table, and nearly choked on his pencil. He looked at Gus sheepishly and tried to offer an apologetic smile.

“Sorry.”

Gus shrugged and drew a near perfect circle on a piece of graph paper. Drawing axes and angles, he said, “Whatever, not my problem if you fail.” Ray’s phone buzzed once again and he couldn’t help but look down at it. It was a single kissy emoticon. Ray put the phone down and tried to refocus on the work in front of him. Gus had finished drawing out the problem and had scribbled out a few theorems off to the side. “Alright let’s try this again.”

They made semi-decent progress when Gus broke down the concepts to their most basic forms and Ray managed to solve a few of his assigned homework problems on his own. When Gus would go back to flipping through the textbook, highlighting key points and figuring out how best to word certain theories, Ray would covertly text Gavin back.

It was mostly dumb face pics from Gavin’s end and corny jokes from Ray’s, but it was entertaining. Then one of the pics Gavin sent was Burnie with his head in his hands which was immediately followed by a pic that was just Kat’s face. She was angry and looked about ready to spit fire.

_whinging cause i’m not paying attention bye ray <3_

After that, his phone didn’t buzz again. Ray figured now was as good a time as any to really commit to the whole ‘tutor session with Gus’ thing and he tried to focus, he really did, but his mind kept wandering.

He wondered how badly it would snow back home this year. He wondered about the nutritional value of semen. He wondered if the Bible even mentioned anything about fellatio and made a note to look it up when he had time. He wondered what he was going to get his mother for Christmas. Ray wondered about a lot of things, few of which involved Geometry.

He didn’t even realize that he had been staring at the library clock for a full three minutes until Gus slammed the textbook closed and leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms.

“Look,” He said, “I could be spending my Thursday afternoon doing something else. In fact I would _love_ to be doing something else right now. But here we are, in the fucking library with a problem set you’re not even halfway finished with.” He raised a bushy eyebrow at Ray, frown lines on the corners of his mouth deepening. “Now, do you want to pass this class or not?”

Ray stared at the table and wrung his hands. He really couldn’t afford to fail. Like at all. “Sorry.”

“Again with the fucking ‘sorry’s. Just stop pissing me off and we’re good.” Though his words were still harsh, Gus’s tone was less abrasive than before.

Ray glanced up at Gus over the rim of his glasses and the world went fuzzy and out of focus. “But you’re always pissed off.”

“Just do the fucking work, Ray.” Gus said with another sigh.

“Why do you volunteer for tutoring if you hate it?” Ray asked as he picked up his pencil again and glanced over the problem sitting before him. At least he understood what this question was asking for this time. Now if only he could figure out how to start it.

“I don’t-!” Gus’s voice cracked and he stopped talking for a moment, putting his fingers to the bridge of his nose. When he started speaking again, his words were slower and calmer. “Look, you’re young. I’m not saying I’m ancient or anything, I’m only a few years older than you, but you’re a freshman. And you’re going to go through some shit cause that’s how life works. Having fun is great,” He nodded at Ray’s silent phone. “But sometimes you’ve got to wade through a bunch of tedious bullshit and evaluate your priorities or whatever. It makes things a little easier in the long run.

“So it’s not like I hate tutoring per se. I’m just trying to get out of here, okay? Graduate and move on. Shit like this helps with that.” Ray nodded slowly, seeing where Gus was coming from. The problem still stared menacingly up from the table. “Plus I’m doing a math competition in February and this helps me prepare for it. Well not _this_ ,” He gestured to the textbook, “But you know, tutoring in general.”

Ray drew small shapes in the margin of the paper and pushed his glasses up on the bridge of his nose. “Is that why Kat’s freaking out about the internship thing?”

The handful of times Ray had seen the Student Council president over the course of the past week, she had looked thoroughly flustered. He had assumed it was merely due to the burdens of public office. Gavin told him that she was working on snagging her dream internship with the local branch of some big company. Then Gavin somehow got roped into helping her prepare because Matt was too busy picking up the slack as far as school duties went.

Gus shrugged, “Hell if I know. Kat freaks out about a lot of stuff. The difference between me and her is that she’s too nice about it.”

Ray doubted there was such a thing as too nice and wondered how exactly Gus’s personal scale of amiability worked. A small chirp from Gus’s pocket signaled that he had a new text. He fished out his phone and read it over. “God, speak of the Devil. I just know she’s going to ask me to approve her interview again outfit I just know it. I told her to ask Kara ‘cause that’s more here thing. But no…” Gus muttered as he started to pack his stuff up. “Alright, kid, our time’s up anyway. If you still need help just call me.”

Ray waved Gus off and was soon left to his own devices in the emptying library. He had a few pages full of finished homework problems and he definitely understood more now than when they had started, but he’d be lying if he said he felt confident about his upcoming test. With a huff, Ray pushed his chair away from the table and stuffed his mess in his backpack. If Kat had texted Gus that might mean that Gavin was free. Ray shouldered his bag and shuffled out of the library, stomping down any remaining worries about his schoolwork.

____________________

“Who’s ready to get this party started?" Miles plopped down on the beanbag in the middle of the floor, causing Kerry to roll off and hit the floor with a thud.

“God, Miles, calm down would ya?” Kerry said with a groan from his new place on the floor.

Miles giggled and continued chewing on the Twizzler in his mouth. He settled into the beanbag chair until he was properly comfortable and patted his lap. “C’mon Kerry have a seat.” Kerry looked over at Miles, his blond bangs falling over his eyes, and protested that there were two other chairs he could sit in thank you very much, he just happened to like being on the floor. With a roll of his eyes, Miles forcibly dragged Kerry onto the beanbag with him and Kerry didn’t bother to put up a fight.

Ray watched the two boys as Kerry tugged at the candy rope between Miles teeth and Miles batted his hands away. Gavin scooted closer, the springs of Monty’s bed squeaking in protest, and draped half of a fuzzy blanket over Ray’s shoulders. “What’re you thinking about?”

Monty glided over to Miles and Kerry and rested his chin on top of Miles’s head before placing a hand on Kerry’s. Both boys stopped their horseplay and looked up at Monty. He smirked and asked them what they wanted to watch first. Miles shrugged dramatically and Kerry leaned into Monty’s touch as Monty absentmindedly ran his fingers through Kerry’s hair.

They were so close – like touchy-feely-the-boundaries-of-personal-space-are-blurred kind of close – and Ray wondered if they were more than simply three best friends. “Nothing.” Ray said and snuggled into Gavin’s side, “Nothing important anyway.”

The night’s lineup was chosen by Monty, Miles, and Kerry of course and Ray recognized probably one title out of all the ones listed. But as Monty set up the laptop on a bed and they all settled in the middle of the room’s floor surrounded by their impressive haul of junk food, Ray felt glad to be invited all the same. He felt like he was a part of something. It felt nice.

He and Gavin were lying on their stomachs with a few pillows they had stolen off the bed providing comfort. Gavin wrapped Ray up in the fleecy fabric of the blanket and grinned openly before Kerry flipped off the lights and started the movie.

The first movie they watched was dark and kind of sad. At least, Ray assumed that it was dark and sad, but he spent more time fending off Gavin’s attempts to tickle him under the blanket than actually reading the subtitles.

“Stop.” He harshly whispered after the fourth time Gavin’s fingers dug into his side. He had meant to sound serious and at least a little bit threatening, but his giggles really spoiled that. The spark in Gavin’s eyes practically lit up the room before Ray realized that it was just flashing from the screen. Gavin poked Ray again, softer this time, before running his finger down until he hit the waistband of Ray’s pajama bottoms. He hooked his finger on the fabric and let it rest there, staring Ray down with a devilish grin the entire time. Ray swallowed but made no motion to move Gavin’s finger. Their antics were hidden by the security of the blanket and besides, when Ray shot a quick glance at the trio they were too absorbed in the movie to notice anything awry. “I’m serious,” Ray ground out. His voice dropped down to a dangerously low octave that made Gavin quirk an eyebrow, “Cut it out.”

A resounding pop rang through the room as Gavin quickly pulled back on the elastic and let it recoil. Ray yelped and scrambled to get away, dragging the blanket with him. He managed to hopelessly entangle himself in it in his mad dash to escape and couldn’t see anything through his self-made fleecy prison. But he could hear Gavin’s squealing laughter.

“What in the world are you two doing over there?” Monty asked.

It took a while for Ray to find an opening to stick his head through and his hair was a wild mess as a scarlet heat crept up his neck. “Oh nothing much just, y’know, Gavin being a prick.”

“A mingy prick or just a regular prick.” Miles said, not bothering to look away from the laptop screen.

Ray mulled over that for a second before nodding once, “Just a prick.”

Everyone ignored when Gavin’s mirth filled giggles dissolved into an offended squawk.

It wasn’t until the movie ended that Ray dared to scoot back over within Gavin’s reach. As Miles popped in the next selection planned for the night, Kerry crawled into the warm spot he left behind. He batted his eyes innocently when Miles turned around and put his hands on his hips, generally unamused. They worked it out by pushing two of the chairs together and sinking into the beanbags side by side.

Ray was still wrapped in the blanket so that only his head was visible. His legs were tucked beneath him and he eyed the unopened can of Coke sitting by a bag of cheese doodles.

“Need help there?” Gavin said with a knowing smile on his face.

Ray bit his bottom lip and stared the can down. “No, I got this.” Maybe if he willed it enough he could drag the drink over with his mind.

“You sure?” Gavin dragged out his vowels and slowly reached for the unclaimed can of soda.

“Don’t you fucking dare, Gavin.”

“But no one’s drinking it.”

Ray sighed and rolled his eyes. He shifted a little to loosen up the blanket cocoon he had fashioned around his body and opened his arms, the cloth draping over him like a sort of cape. Gavin squeaked, glad to have ultimately worn Ray down, and grabbed a fistful of the blanket so he could drag Ray down onto the bed of pillows they had piled up. Ray made himself comfortable on the pillows and his hip pressed up against Gavin’s like a searing point of contact. He didn’t pull away; he let the heat settle just under the surface of his skin. Gavin shoved the unopened can of Coke towards Ray and Ray opened it with a pop and a fizz right as the second movie was starting.

The rest of the night continued on pretty uneventfully. Gavin would ask about the plot every twenty minutes and although Ray was just as lost, at least he kept his mouth shut. Monty, Kerry, and Miles pretty much had a rotation of whose turn it was to explain what was happening on screen and it was amazing how their handling of Gavin’s incessant questioning was nearly seamless.

Halfway through the third movie, Miles and Kerry began to fight over the last handful of Twizzlers. Miles claimed they were his and Kerry bemoaned that Miles was just being greedy. The argument devolved into a literal slap fight that both Ray and Gavin found more interesting than whatever was playing on the laptop at that moment. When Miles and Kerry started to have a tug of war match with the candy, Monty stood up with a sigh from his place in front of the beanbags. He sat down on top of both Miles and Kerry and ignored their protests as he wiggled in between them.

“Play nice.” He said.

And that was the end of that.

The night marched on and after some time, Miles and Kerry curled up against Monty’s sides while Monty idly chewed on the last of the Twizzlers and draped his arms over both of them.

Ray tried to settle back into the comfort of the pillows and finish watching the movie. He felt something brush his leg. Ray frowned and side glanced at Gavin. Gavin’s face was a picture of perfect composure and Ray felt something brush the soles of his feet. Ray wiggled his toes and pushed back. The corner of Gavin’s lip twitched and then Ray understood: this dork wanted to play footsie.

Ray turned back to face the laptop screen and skimmed his foot over Gavin’s calf. Gavin nudged his hip against Ray’s and went back to tickling the bottom of Ray’s feet with his toes. Biting down a smile, Ray squirm out of the assault and tried to lock down Gavin’s long legs by entwining them with his own. Gavin didn’t take to that too well and must have considered it an unfair play because he rolled onto his side, faced Ray, and pulled the blanket over both of their heads. Ray couldn’t see, the dim glow of the computer screen not enough to light up the darkness underneath the sheet, but he felt Gavin’s warm hands on his cheeks and was pulled into a gentle kiss. It was soft and considerably chaste and Ray slowly pulled away. He wasn’t sure when he closed his eyes, but when they fluttered opened it was still dark and he couldn’t make out Gavin’s face. Gavin placed another kiss to Ray’s nose before pulling the blanket from over their heads.

They ended up vetoing watching the last movie. It was late and there was no way everyone would stay up for it. So they all lay in the dark and talked.  Surrounded by the remains of candy, popcorn, chips, and soda strewn everywhere like some great delicious feast, they talked about all sorts of things late into the early morning.

“So how’s your project coming along?” Gavin asked with a yawn.

“It’s coming I guess,” Monty said. Miles giggled sleepily from somewhere in the dark room. “Really appreciated your help a few months ago.”

Ray ran a finger around the top of an empty soda can. “What’s your project for? Is it a recreational thing or a school thing or what?”

“We’re going to enter it into an animation competition next semester. It’s going to be so cool.” Kerry’s voice was muffled from burying his face in a beanbag chair.

“Yeah that’s _if_ we can get it finished in time.”

“We’ll get it done, Miles. Be a little optimistic why don’t you.” Monty said and sat up. He stretched and yawned loudly. “We should call it a night. It’s after three.”

“Oh shit, really?” Yawning was contagious and Miles’s words were barely recognizable as he spoke.

Monty got up and turned on a desk lamp, lighting the room with a gentle glow. Ray and Gavin helped put pillows and blankets back on the beds and pick up some of the clutter. Kerry and Miles soon fell asleep on one of the beds (Miles claimed he was resting his eyes. Kerry had just grunted.), so Monty walked Ray and Gavin down the hall to the elevator.

“We should do this again sometime,” He said as he watched the numbers above the elevator change. “It was pretty fun.”

“Yeah definitely.” Ray buried his nose into the scarf that he had yet returned to Michael and failed to stifle a yawn. Gavin zipped his coat up all the way to the top, the collar stopping right beneath his chin. The elevator dinged, the doors opened, and the pair waved goodbye to Monty as they got on.

Outside was cold and windy. It had snowed at some point and ice crunched beneath Ray’s shoes. The white letters decorating the front of Ruby Hall stared down on them as they walked along the sidewalk, the stem of the skewed “u” flourishing out just a bit too much and transforming the letter into a passable “w”.

Gavin slipped his gloved hand into Ray’s and they silently walked back to Hunter. Ray couldn’t help but marvel at how their breath practically glowed in the soft light of streetlights mix with the luster of a full moon as he ignored the way the cold breeze cut through the thin fabric of his pajama pants.

They kicked off their shoes and shrugged off their jackets almost as soon as they made it back to their room, leaving everything in a pile on the floor. Ray climbed into his bed and the mattress dipped as Gavin followed. Turning so that he was facing the wall and his back was facing Gavin, Ray nuzzled his face into his pillow. Gavin draped an arm across Ray’s waist and cuddled up close. The chill that had managed to pierce Ray to the bone ebbed and waned with Ray wrapped up in Gavin’s warmth. Gavin place a kiss to the back of Ray’s neck. Ray exhaled with a soft groan. Taking it as an affirming groan, Gavin placed another kiss in Ray’s hair. And another right under the shell of Ray’s ear. And yet another along his jaw.

“What are you doing?” Ray asked sleepily, not bothering to open his eyes.

“M’kissing you.” Gavin said as he nipped at the skin near Ray’s collarbone.

Ray huffed and rolled over. He pressed his forehead against Gavin’s and kept his eyes closed. “But I’m sleepy.” He whined.

Gavin kissed him on the lips anyway. It was a slow and lazy kiss, the kind that still let loose a swarm of butterflies in the pit of Ray’s belly. His toes curled and he leaned into the kiss with sleep still flickering at the edges of his consciousness. When Gavin pulled away with a chuckle, he playfully nipped at Ray’s bottom lip and brushed their noses together. “Good night, Ray.”

____________________

Maybe that was the reason why Sunday started off the way it did. Saturday was wholly uneventful as both boys were busy with their own separate schedules, but the tension from Gavin’s goodnight kiss had stuck with Ray all day. Ray sighed as he turned off his alarm before it barely had a chance to ring. He was hopeless.

Ray and Gavin got out of bed, showered, and dressed without much fuss but when Ray was ready to go, tying up his shoelaces with a firm tug, Gavin was idly standing around. It was like he was waiting for something. Gavin shifted his weight from one foot to the other and nervously tapped his fingers against the side of his leg.

Ray huffed as he stood up straight, “What’s up, dude? Why are you acting so jittery?”

One of Gavin’s hands was fisting the hem of his sweater, wrinkling it this way and that before he took a deep breath. “I really like you, you know. I wouldn’t be down for any of this if I didn’t, I think.”

Ray chuckled nervously and pulled on his coat. They couldn’t be getting ready to have this conversation. Not now, when Mass started in a little bit and Christmas break was just around the corner. He picked up the scarf hanging over the doorknob and made a mental note to finally return it to Michael. “Dude, shut up, let’s just go–”

“I mean it, Ray!” Gavin said, his voice cracking at the end. He paused a moment to clear his throat and continued, “I think I like you a whole lot. Like enough to go all the way. With dick in bum banging and everything.”

Ray spluttered as he choked down a laugh. “What?” He could see Gavin’s ears go bright red from across the room.

“I’m serious!” Gavin said in that shrill way that bordered on birdlike. He spun on his heels, walked over to his dresser and yanked one of the drawers open to rifle through the underwear and socks. When Gavin pulled out a bottle and a box, Ray immediately dropped the scarf that was dangling loosely between his fingers.

He leaned forward and squinted to get a better look. “Is…is that lube?”

“And rubbers, yeah.” Gavin gave the box of condoms a shake, “I’ve been thinking about it a lot and even did a bit of research yesterday while you were out. A lot of porn watching mostly.”

Ray swallowed thickly. “That’s, uh, that’s some dedication…” Ray didn’t know where he was going with that. He had been trying to make a joke of it to avoid having to think too hard but. Well.

Gavin nodded slowly, his ears still flushed pink, “‘I want to be inside you’ I guess is what I’m saying here.”

Well that was one way to put it. One pretty explicit and really frigging corny way to put it.

And perhaps it was how vulnerable Gavin looked standing there and avoiding Ray’s eye contact. Or maybe it was the fact that Ray’s dick was already half hard and straining against his pants. But the likeliest reason Ray decided right then and there that they were going to miss Mass was because he was hopelessly in over his head when it came to one Gavin Free.

Ray strode forward, closing the space between them, and pulled Gavin’s face down into what was quite possibly the sloppiest kiss ever. Caught off-guard, Gavin made a startled noise and tensed up with his arms jutted out at odd angles. Ray pulled away and peeked up at Gavin through his lashes. “Okay,” His voice was breathless from the kiss and his nervousness, “Let’s do it.”

Ray could feel Gavin’s smile against his lips as he pulled them together for another kiss and that familiar feeling fluttered in his gut once again. Without pulling apart once, they shuffled awkwardly towards Gavin’s bed and tumbled onto the sheets. Somehow Gavin ended up on top of Ray with one of his legs between Ray’s thighs. He pulled Ray’s sweater over his head with a hard tug, tossed it across the room and traced kisses along his jaw and throat as he worked at Ray’s belt. Ray, eyes half shut and working on instinct alone, pulled at the collar of Gavin’s sweater.

When Gavin finally unbuckled Ray’s pants, he managed to pull them down around Ray’s ankles before sitting up and working on taking his own clothes off. As Gavin kicked off his shoes and slipped out of his pants, it was possible that Ray popped a few buttons off his own shirt with how hard he tried to yank it off, but that was irrelevant because all Ray knew was that the feel good heat of Gavin’s lips was no longer running across his skin. Ray reached out to grab Gavin by the sweater that was still dangling around his neck and pulled him close so that their bare chests were pressed up against each other. Gavin landed on top of Ray with a grunt and then their lips were crashing back together.

Ray moaned as Gavin sucked and teased at his throat, his mouth having found its way to the soft sensitive flesh of Ray’s neck. Mind shrouded in a fog of arousal, Ray placed his hands on Gavin’s chest and tried to say Gavin’s name but the words wouldn’t form and all he could do was whine.  How had Ray’s life so quickly devolved into him becoming putty in Gavin’s hands? If the way Gavin’s tongue grazed over his skin didn’t feel so damn good, Ray would have had the sense to feel just a little unnerved at that fleeting notion. But Gavin continued to suck along Ray’s throat and his train of thought jumped the track as Gavin’s mouth expertly played at a particularly sensitive spot. Ray tingled all over and could practically feel the bruises forming along his throat. He was probably going to have to hold on to Michael’s scarf for just a little while longer.

“You know,” Gavin pulled his mouth away from the red skin with a slick wet sound, “I told my mum about us.” Ray’s blood ran absolutely cold and he stilled. Gavin didn’t seem to notice and began to leave slow, sensual kisses along Ray’s collarbone as he kept talking. “I didn’t mention you specifically. And not everything. Just the kissing bit.” Gavin worked his way back up to Ray’s lips and hovered so achingly close yet didn’t kiss him quite yet. He was staring at Ray with those ridiculous eyes and something unrecognizable flickered behind them. “She’s uh, she’s surprisingly okay with it actually.”

There was silence. Gavin’s eyes flickered from Ray’s eyes to his lips and Ray knew he was waiting for a response. Ray didn’t think this was very fair, what with Gavin so close yet still out of reach, his breath so heated and dizzying that Ray would do just about anything to drink him in and succumb to that burning right under the surface of his skin.  Ray closed his eyes and sighed. “You have the shittiest timing, Gavin.” He ran the pads of his fingers over the cotton sheets beneath him and focused on the texture instead of Gavin’s slightly frowning face. “I haven’t told my mother. And I honestly don’t think I ever will.”

Gavin leaned down and eradicated that little bit of space that separated them by touching their foreheads together. It wasn’t exactly a kiss, but the heat and heaviness of Gavin pressed against Ray was a step in the right direction. “What, are you ashamed of me?” Gavin joked.

Ray tried not to wince and really wished that they could get back to making out. “We’re two minutes away from banging and skipping Mass to do it. Are we really going to talk about shame right now?”

Gavin sat up, his knees on either side of Ray’s bony hips, and made the sign of the Cross, “Thanks be to God.” He said with mock solemnity.

Ray crossed his arms with a frown, “Don’t be an ass. It’s…it’s complicated okay?”

Gavin smirked down at Ray, who was downright pouting with his face flushed with arousal, and circled his hips in a way that made Ray arch his back and groan. That was so not fair. Apparently that was the reaction Gavin was going for, as he leaned in and placed what had to be the most rewarding kisses along the pulsating spot just beneath Ray’s jawline. A light scrape of Gavin’s teeth all but undid Ray right then and there as his hands fumbled to roughly grasp at Gavin’s back. Without a shirt to hold on to, Ray’s nails dug into bare skin and Gavin chuckled into Ray’s neck, the vibrating made Ray roll his hips up and grind their still clothed erections together.

“You’re awful needy today.” Gavin muttered into his neck.

Ray would have rolled his eyes, he really would have, but they were squeezed shut as he tried to control his breathing. “Sh-shut up,” He eventually choked out.

“Make me.” Gavin growled and, _oh_ , that was a fucking challenge Ray was definitely accepting.

Ray honestly surprised himself with how forcefully he shoved Gavin off and judging by Gavin’s startled expression as he hit the floor with a thud, so was he. Ray bit back an apology, because he had really not meant to do that, but he kicked off his shoes and pants nonetheless. He scooted further onto the bed and arranged himself so that he was on his knees and giving Gavin what he hoped was a sexy look. Ray slid his shirt off enough to expose one shoulder and tugged at the waistband of his boxers. He lowered his voice and attempted to sound as sultry as possible as he said,

“Are we gonna fuck or not?” And, God, that was banal and trite and dumb, but it was all Ray could come up with.

Gavin, still on the floor, blinked a few times at the sight before him. Just when Ray was starting to feel like a fool and started entertaining the idea of putting his clothes back on and going to Mass anyway, Gavin grinned and giggled. “You looked like a right model just then.” He said as he tugged his sweater over his head. Ray wasn’t sure if Gavin was poking fun at him or not and he felt embarrassment wash over him. Gavin climbed onto the bed and placed his knee between Ray’s thighs. “It was pretty damn sexy actually.”

Ray grinned. He placed his hands on Gavin’s shoulders and gave him a kiss, running his tongue over Gavin’s bottom lip. When Gavin parted his lips to let him in, Ray sank back onto the bed as the kiss deepened and could feel his erection pressed against Gavin’s stomach. Gavin strayed away from Ray’s mouth and trailed kisses down to his chest. While he rubbed one of Ray’s nipples with his thumb, Gavin took the other in his mouth, licking and sucking it until it was pink and pert and glistening with spit. A growl rumbled in Ray’s chest and the fact that he could practically feel his skin buzz against Gavin’s lips was amazing. Gavin continued his journey south, following the wisps of hair and kissing every inch of skin his mouth met on the way down.

Ray could feel the elastic of his underwear shift as Gavin pulled the fabric down with steady fingers; he dragged his hands over his face as he swallowed down a needy moan when his dick bobbed free in the cool air. He couldn’t see anything past his eyelids but there was the unmistakable firm grip of Gavin’s hands as he spread Ray’s legs. Though his breath was caught in his throat and his heart was pounding in his ears, Ray was pretty sure that he wanted this – he wanted to revel in the gentle caress of Gavin’s fingers skimming over his inner thighs and the crawling wetness of his breath as Gavin placed soft kisses against the spot where Ray’s bony hip jutted out.

“This is going to feel weird at first,” Gavin’s voice rocked Ray out of his personal musings, “Tell me if it hurts, yeah?” Ray felt himself nod before his legs were hooked over Gavin’s shoulders. He squinted open an eye to see Gavin smiling gently at him as he splayed his hand over Ray’s stomach. “Don’t look so scared, Ray. We can stop at any time you know.”

Ray could only manage to smile weakly as he closed his eyes again. Gavin slid his hand down Ray’s stomach and wrapped his fingers around his shaft, rubbing his thumb over the head. He continued to murmur sweet nonsense in that addictive accent of his when he pulled away and Ray felt weirdly alone in a world full of darkness and the absence of touch.

Then there was a cold sensation pressed against his entrance and the chill bolted through Ray’s entire being as he sharply inhaled. Gavin chuckled softly and applied more lube, his finger leisurely circling around Ray’s hole as his other hand returned to its previous place around Ray’s cock. The lube was slick and cool against his twitching dick and Gavin pumped slowly, assuredly, as he kept a tight grip. Ray indulged in the pure carnal pleasure of having his dick stroked, so when Gavin eventually slid his index finger into him, Ray was startled by how little it hurt. It felt weird yeah, like an odd fullness that Ray had never felt before, but Gavin didn’t even slip in past his first knuckle before pausing and asking if Ray was okay. Though Ray didn’t quite trust his voice enough to give a steady answer, he whispered out a shaky “Yeah” all the same. When Gavin slid his finger all the way in, Ray grasped his dick, his hand over Gavin’s, and guided the pumping to a more preferable speed.

They spent a time like that, Ray directing Gavin’s rhythm while he adjusted around the finger that was knuckle deep in his ass, before Gavin gruffly muttered, “You ready for two?” He wiggled his finger a little and Ray nodded.

The second finger felt about as weird as the first and Gavin opted to plant kisses along Ray’s inner thigh as Ray continued to stroke himself. The time for the third digit to be inserted came all too quickly and Ray felt strangely open as Gavin slid three well-lubed fingers in and out of him. It was strange in a good way, with Ray on the precipice of something grand and vast and bigger than himself right when Gavin pulled out one last time. Gavin moved so that his hands were now on either side of Ray’s head as he hovered over him and kissed him on the lips. “Ready?” He said, voice still low and throaty.

Ray hummed into the kiss and wrapped his arms around Gavin’s neck. They rolled over so that Gavin was the one on his back and it was Ray’s turn to plant kisses along his collar and chest. He stopped when he reached the waistband of Gavin’s underwear. Ray sat up and peered down at Gavin’s clothed dick and tilted his head this way and that. He had a few different courses of action here and he wasn’t sure which one he should go for. “Christ, what are you waiting for?” Gavin said as he squirmed, “Touch me already.”

So Ray palmed Gavin’s dick through the fabric, the contact hot and very much appreciated. As Ray stroked Gavin’s erection a dark spot of precum blossomed against the fabric and Ray leaned down to take Gavin’s tip into his mouth. The cloth made it a little awkward, but Gavin hummed in his throat appreciatively. Ray sucked and lapped at Gavin’s dick through his underwear until his cock was fully hard.

Pulling his mouth away from Gavin’s package, Ray tugged the underwear off and dropped it onto the floor. Gavin moaned as the cool air hit his wet and sensitive prick. Ray took a moment to appreciate how their cocks looked when they were so close like this and moved so that the underside of his dick was pressed up against Gavin’s. He couldn’t help but marvel at how they looked and felt flushed together like that. Almost like art really.

Gavin blindly grabbed the box of condoms that had ended up lying by his head and nearly fumbled it while trying to get one out. Ray placed his hands over top of Gavin’s shaking ones and looked him in the eye. “Dude. Breathe.” He wasn’t really sure if he was talking to himself or Gavin (he was mostly talking to himself), but it seemed to help both of them. Gavin finally pulled a condom out of the box and tore the packaging open with his teeth. He pinched the top of the latex ring and rolled it down his hard length so slowly, so deliberately, that Ray found it really erotically beautiful in a way. Even if it was a little daunting that the dick he was so blatantly admiring was a few measly seconds from being in him. God.

It was when Gavin handed him the bottle of lube that Ray realized he didn’t really know where to go from here. Anal sex was not his forte. Shit, before now, he had never seen actual lube before. He was strictly a lotion-or-whatever-was-nearby-when-the-mood-struck kind of guy. Ray looked from the lube to Gavin and back to the lube. He squeezed it experimentally and jumped when some of the lubricant squirted out and splattered on his face. Ray just stared at the bottle and hoped that Gavin didn’t see that.

“I have no idea what I’m doing.” He eventually said.

Gavin half laughed and half sighed. “Jesus, Ray,” He chided, grabbing the lube out of Ray’s hand. He squeezed the contents of the bottle into his palm and stroked his dick. “Come closer.” Gavin kept his eyes trained on his cock as Ray moved forward and braced himself with his legs on either side of Gavin. “Alright.” Gavin settled his hands on Ray’s hips and guided him so that he was hovering over his dick. “We’re going to do this slow, alright?”

Ray nodded and swallowed thickly. He lowered onto Gavin’s awaiting cock and when the head pressed startlingly tight against the inner walls of Ray’s anus, he had a brief moment of panic and was suddenly not all that sure he could do this. “Wait,” He said and, God, he didn’t mean to sound so scared and pathetic, “Gimme a sec?”

The grip on Ray’s hips tightened and Gavin licked his lips, never taking his eyes off his dick, “Yeah sure. Just relax, Ray.”

Yeah, easy to say when you weren’t the one with a dick on the verge of being rammed up your ass. Ray gave himself time to breathe in and out a few times and adjust to the whole surreal situation. When he felt he was ready to continue, he braced his hands on Gavin’s forearms and huffed one last time for good measure. He tried lowering himself again and things went a little better after that, he focused on relaxing to distract from the almost-too-full feeling that pushed outwards from what felt like his core, though he did pause a few more times to give himself the chance to readjust. Just before he finally bottomed out, Ray felt something deep within him sort of slip into – or was it out of? – place with a pop.

Everything after that was all some sort of faucet of ecstasy. Ray vaguely registered a slight sense of pain on the periphery of perception, but a deliciously physical buzz was running through his veins, overriding just about everything. He rolled his hips experimentally and surprised himself with how loudly he moaned.

“You okay?” Gavin said through gritted teeth. His hands were still on Ray’s hips, but his head was laid back and his eyes were shut. Ray briefly wondered what it felt like to have your dick buried inside another person. It must have felt good judging by Gavin’s flushed face and shaky breathing.

“Yeah. I’m good I think.” Ray stopped himself from asking ‘now what?’, but the question must have been apparent in his voice anyway because, even for all his trembling and arousal, Gavin smirked at him without opening his eyes.

“Just rock, love.”

So Ray did. He rotate his hips and indulged in the pure pleasure that racked his body when he twisted just right and Gavin’s dick pressed up against something volatile, something that sent white hot flashes across Ray’s vision and deep shivers from his very core. It all felt so good and Ray couldn’t help but slip his hand between his legs and touch himself.

He grabbed his dick, already slick with lube and precum, and clumsily stroked his length. His face twisted in painful pleasure and he was moaning too loud to even hear his own thoughts but he did register Gavin grabbing his ass and trying to thrust deeper into him. Ray fell forward, his face buried in the crook of Gavin’s neck and he was trying so hard not to cry out but it felt as though everything was building up at once and he was back to teetering on that precipice from earlier but everything was so much _more_ this time. He was still heatedly pumping his cock and he knew he was so close to careening off the edge as his lips found their way to Gavin’s.

Mass had started. Mass had started ages ago. They had definitely missed introductory rites at this point and Ray could practically hear the priest’s words speaking to God about healing the contrite.

_Lord, have mercy._  
  


Ray choked back a sob as Gavin thrust into him again. Now was not the time to think about cathedrals and disinterested congregations that parrot back the priest’s words, barely awake and barely invested in the sermon.

_Lord, have mercy._  
  


Gavin thrust into Ray again, harder and deeper this time and Ray failed to bite back his cry as Gavin hit him in that spot that made him see stars. Gavin drank down Ray’s cries like some sweet elixir of life and the priest’s phantom words were still haunting Ray because _you came to call sinners_.

_Christ, have mercy._  
  


Everything was moving so fast. Gavin was thrusting in and out so fast and their mouths were hastily exploring each other between moans and whimpers and every inch of Ray was scorching, burning, and he felt like he was on fire.

_Christ, have mercy._  
  


There was a final shock, a final wave that coursed through Ray’s senses and he couldn’t help but brokenly cry out the Lord’s name in vain when every part of him – physical, mental, spiritual – seized up and shuddered as he came. He came hot and hard across Gavin’s chest and the lewd moan that escaped his lips could shatter stained glass windows and ring church bells.

Jesus help him because he was so far gone. So so far gone that even if this Sunday and every Sunday thereafter he heard the Penitential Rite and that fucking line _You plead for us at the right hand of the Father_ he would still be damned.

_Lord, have mercy._  
  


Gavin’s mouth had moved to Ray’s throat and he was sucking and biting and pulling with his teeth, his hands gripping Ray’s ass so tight that Ray could practically feel the bruises blooming onto his skin. When Ray felt Gavin convulse beneath him he reveled in the whimper that fell from Gavin’s lips as he climaxed.

Ray may have been spattered with cum and filled to the brim with his roommate’s dick while riding out a sinfully blissful orgasmic high, but the entire goddamn congregation could rot – _would_ rot – in hell because how many of the student or teachers or anyone really, was a good Catholic?

_Lord, have mercy._

Because Ray wasn’t. He was the shittiest Catholic he knew and the way Gavin’s tongue worked over his skin and his fingers gripped him tight and dragged him down to whatever hellish existence he was doomed to suffer was the best thing Ray had felt in all his life.

The priest would mournfully conclude, _May almighty God have mercy on us, forgive us our sins, and bring us to everlasting life_.

And good Lord did Ray feel like he could live forever as he slipped off of Gavin and collapsed on the bed in the space between him and the wall. The air was filled with the sound of them rasping and heaving as they tried to catch their breaths. Ray was still seeing stars when he felt a hand on the back of his neck and it was Gavin pulling him in for a kiss. He almost missed and his lips were slick with spit, but Ray kissed Gavin back all the same.

_Amen._

____________________


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on January 2, 2014.

Everything sort of spiraled out of control all at once. Ray was getting careless, and although he knew it, he was too busy falling for Gavin’s ardent gaze and crooked smile time and time again to really truly worry.

There was an afternoon they had spent in the library when Gavin had propped up his History textbook and ducked behind it, dragging Ray down with him. Quick kisses peppered across Ray’s face and he couldn’t help but giggle. Then Michael had announced his presence by heavily dropping his books on the table with a bang and the two of them shot up, backs straight and smiles only slightly guilty.

There was a morning when they were in the cafeteria, sitting across from each other, and Gavin silently declared a game of footsie. He had rubbed a socked foot against Ray’s knee and smiled slyly. Ray acted like he didn’t notice, turning to look at Caleb, who was regaling everyone at the table with a wild tale about something Ray would never quite remember because Gavin’s foot slid from his knee to his inner thigh. Ray’s attention immediately snapped back to Gavin’s face and Gavin smiled cheekily before pressing all five of his toes to Ray’s crotch.

Ray’s face was red, it had to have been because he was somewhat mortified at the contact, and he squirmed in his seat. Gavin calmly went back to eating, as though his foot wasn’t rubbing against Ray under the table. Suddenly no longer hungry, Ray stared down at his plate of food and lightly prodded at it. Then Gavin did this weird thing with his toes and Ray nearly bit his own tongue off trying not to moan. Gavin had laughed when Ray quickly stood with his bag positioned awkwardly in front of his crotch and excused himself from the table.

There was another afternoon when Ray and Gavin were making out between classes – classes that they were no doubt going to be late too – in what they assumed was an empty room. Gavin was in Ray’s lap, arms draped over his shoulders and tongue eagerly exploring his mouth. He had reached down and flicked open the button on Ray’s pants when the classroom door clicked and swung open.

Ray had never shoved someone out of his lap as fast as he did in that moment, and he would have felt bad about the resounding thud of Gavin’s body hitting the floor if Matt hadn’t have been looking at him confusedly from the doorway. He had somehow missed the part where Ray had a lap full of his roommate mere seconds ago. Matt shifted the files in his arms and asked Ray what he was doing.

Ray’s mind blanked.

Gavin popped up off the floor, Bible in hand, and declared that they had been studying for their last Bible study of the year. Matt rolled his eyes and ushered them out of the room and off to class. Apparently the room they had been so close to banging in was actually reserved for official Student Council duties and Matt had paperwork that he still needed to do.

Gavin had laughed about it the whole way to the math building and Ray chuckled along with him, butterflies in his belly and heart beating rapidly in his chest. For all the fun Ray was having, he did feel a little weird every time they were on the verge of being caught. The reasons were difficult for him to place, but that disquieting feeling nestled in his chest anyway. But when Gavin gave his hand a quick squeeze before they parted ways Ray’s guilt melted away into an airy contentment because, really, they could worry about the serious stuff later.

It was when Ray got back his Geometry quiz that all that carefree elation that filled his chest came crashing down somewhere around his feet. He shoved the page riddled with red pen strokes and a big glaring ‘COME TALK TO ME’ in loopy handwriting into his bag and trudged out the classroom, avoiding the teacher’s concerned stare all the while.

Once in the hall, Ray felt slender hands on his shoulders and he was being spun around before he even knew what was happening. Gavin’s squealing laughter was ringing in Ray’s ears as he tried to get his bearings. His eyes focused, the world stopped spinning, and Ray was staring right into the most perfect pair of green (Blue? Hazel? God, he still didn’t know) eyes he had ever seen in his life.

“Head back to the room?” Gavin asked. Like he didn’t already know the answer. Ray swung his bag over his shoulder and headed towards the door, Gavin falling into step. An elaboration wasn’t necessary, so Ray didn’t bother. They walked in silence for a while and breathed thick, slow plumes of white into the winter air before Gavin spoke again. “You alright? You’re weirdly quiet right now.”

Ray gave a quick side glance to Gavin, who was staring at his own feet making imprints in the snow and gravel.  Sometime over the past few months, Ray had grown a few inches so that he and Gavin were about the same height now. He could look Gavin dead in the face and he wondered how long that would last before Gavin shot up like a weed because the guy was still too gangly to be done growing.

Ray took a deep breath and the smell of snow filled his lungs. When he exhaled, it was as if he were some sort of steam powered robot, insides full of heated coils with a furnace for a heart. He felt oddly like something was close to springing loose. Which was a little strange because things were kind of almost perfect.

The failed quiz felt like deadweight on his back.

“It’s just that,” Ray’s grip tightened on his backpack strap, “If I fail my Geometry test tomorrow I’m failing the class. Like, that’s it. That’s where I’m at right now.”

“Ah.”

“Yeah.”

The silence settled between them again like the blanket of snow crunching beneath their feet and they didn’t even make it back to the room before Gavin captured Ray’s mouth in a harsh kiss. They stumbled into a shadowed alley between two buildings and Ray’s back was pressed against the cold, ridged surface of a brick wall, but he couldn’t bring himself to care as he tried his best to drown all his worries in the burning touch of Gavin’s body against his.

Ray roughly bit Gavin’s bottom lip and he must have bitten too hard because Gavin made a choked sound in his throat and moved on to kiss along Ray’s neck. His lips felt nice, but that wasn’t what Ray wanted. Putting his gloved hands on either side of Gavin’s face and ignoring how his chest was constricting with something that felt so much like dread, Ray guided Gavin’s mouth back to his. The kiss was gentler this time and Ray ran his tongue over Gavin’s lips in an apology. His apology was accepted as Gavin parted his lips and let Ray’s tongue in his mouth. Gavin placed his hands against the wall on either side of Ray’s head and he nudged his leg between Ray’s thighs as he deepened the kiss. Moaning into Gavin’s mouth, Ray ran his hands up Gavin’s back, his fingers finding purchase in his wild hair.

Raucous laughter from a few feet away jolted Ray right out of the moment as he suddenly realized that they were most definitely still in public.

Ray panicked and abruptly broke away from the kiss, but he forgot that the wall was directly behind him and, with a heavy thump, he hit the back of his head against the brick. He had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from crying out.

He clutched onto the front of Gavin’s shirt and hid his face there – practically shaking from a deluge of candid fear and regret – and Gavin, his hands still on the wall, stopped moving. The two of them just stood stock still as the voices swelled and faded and the people passed the darkened alley.

They weren’t sure how long they stayed like that, but it was long enough that quiet settled so eerily over the Academy campus, that Ray briefly wondered if both of them had died in that moment.

Gavin was the first to move and his shirt slipped from between Ray’s fingers. Ray kept his eyes shut and he didn’t really want to open them, but he felt kind of lost and displaced without Gavin there to hold on to. Even with the sturdy wall behind him, he felt like he was pitching forward as his stomach did sickening flips in his gut.

“Looks like they’ve gone. Want to head back now?” Gavin’s voice was so much farther away than Ray expected. When his eyes finally fluttered open, he had to blink away tears he didn’t even know were there as he turned to look at Gavin. The sun was low in the sky, sinking just enough that Gavin was silhouetted by the light in a horribly perfect depiction of a halo. Because why wouldn’t he be? Life was turning into some sort of elaborately cruel joke on Ray and that unnamable something that was threatening to spring free painfully twinged in his chest.

“We should stop.” Weird how that sounded like a break up speech, because that wasn’t Ray’s intention, so he rephrased his statement and tried to steady his voice. “We need to be more careful. I know you’re not freaking out about this or whatever, but we can’t – I can’t – getting caught isn’t –” He lost control of his tongue somewhere through that mess of a sentence and he started having trouble breathing along the way. There were no tears pricking the edges of his vision, but he was pretty sure he was hyperventilating when Gavin placed steady hands on his shoulders.

“Ray, breathe. Can you do that for me? Can you just breathe for a bit?”

Yeah. He could do that for Gavin. It was the least he could do right? Ray nodded his head as he focused on inhaling and exhaling. The campus was still hushed, but the snow and surrounding brick walls muted his strangled breathing.

“Would you feel better if we told somebody? Like your mum?” Gavin asked.

Ray would sooner feel better if they stopped altogether rather then tell his mother anything. He furiously shook his head and ignored the slightly pained look on Gavin’s face. He couldn’t tell his mother that he was failing a class _and_ kissing some boy. That would positively break her heart. She had enough on her plate as it was, and Ray was doing his best not to contribute to that, even if it did involve lying by omission. This wasn’t the first time Gavin had pushed the idea of Ray confessing to his mother either. Ray was starting to wonder if Gavin had been serious back when he was talking about shame.

“We could tell Michael I guess. He’d understand I think.”

Ray shook his head again. There was no way he was losing a friend he had only just made over bullshit like this. Ray wasn’t sure what ‘this’ was or why he felt so terrified over what ‘this’ was becoming, but he didn’t think he could trust anyone enough to tell them about it.

Gavin sighed and threw out the only other idea he had. “Do you want to confess, then? I mean, that’s what confession is for.”

Confession was for when you did something wrong. At least, that was what Ray had been taught. And even though Ray had been skirting around the idea for weeks now, he wasn’t ready to admit that what he and Gavin were doing could be construed as wrong. It felt too good. “Do you think we need to?” He asked, searching Gavin’s face for an answer.

Gavin frowned, edges of his mouth turning down and brow crinkling, before he shrugged, “Not…really? Sure it’s a little out there, but we’re still just friends, right? It’s not, like, full blown gay I don’t think. And it’s not weird if there’s no eye contact.”

“Wha-?” Ray couldn’t help but respond with a breathy laugh. This was the strangest pep talk he had ever heard. “You’re so fucking weird, you know that?”

Gavin’s gripping gaze flickered bright and he kissed the tip of Ray’s nose. Their nervous giggles in the cold afternoon air didn’t do much to mask the heavy sense of fear and foreboding blanketing Ray’s heart.

____________________

“And you couldn’t take a shower back at Hunter…why again?” Ray kicked at the chipping baseboard along the wall outside of the gym’s locker rooms. He readjusted the strap of his bookbag on his back and Gavin’s backpack swung as it limply hung from Ray’s hands.

The echoing answer from inside the locker room reverberated against tiled walls, “I don’t want to walk across campus all sweaty and minging. S’gross.”

Ray leaned against the wall with a huff. He stared up at the bright florescent light overhead. The air still smelled liked musty teenaged sweat and the sound of squeaking sneakers still rang in his ears. “But everyone else left all ready. We’re literally the last people here like a couple of nerds.”

Ray rolled against the wall, one shoulder still pressed to the white pseudo-brick, so he could look at the propped open door that led to the lockers. He toyed with the idea of just leaving his roommate here and heading back home by himself. He still had stuff to do before break started.

On the plus side, he had passed his Geometry test. Sure it was by the skin of his teeth, but goddammit he would take a C any day of the week if it meant he didn’t have to repeat a class. He had half a mind to tell Gavin at first, but Gavin had bounded down the stairs from his Algebra classroom with all the energy of a puppy as he talked about playing dodge ball with Michael, Lindsay, and a few others, so Ray just shoved the test in his bag and resolutely decided to not say anything. It wasn’t like it meant that much to Gavin anyway.

Speaking of Gavin, it had been a while since Ray had heard a peep from the locker room. He let his head hit the wall with a thump and fussed over the time. It was getting late.

“Hurry up, Gavin.”

Silence. Ray’s brows furrowed and he stood up a little straighter.

“Gav?”

More silence.

Great, Ray complained just a little bit about how it was completely ridiculous that they were in the gym so late in the day and Gavin instantly decided to give him the cold shoulder. What a freaking baby.

No matter how many times Ray called his name Gavin wouldn’t answer until, with a huff, Ray finally entered the empty locker room.

The first room was deserted, lined with footlockers and harboring a faint smell of musty sweat socks. Ray ran a hand along the metal lockers, his fingers clack clack clacking as he walked past the empty benches.

“I swear to God, Gavin, if you’re waiting to jump out at me, I’m gonna be so pissed.”

He kept a trained ear out for a telltale giggle, but was met with dead silence. With a hefty sigh, Ray made his way towards the showers. The curtains to all of the shower stalls were drawn close. Peeking out from beneath the curtain on the stall against the far right wall, however, was a familiar pair of toes wiggling in a familiar pair of flip flops.

“I can see your feet, you idiot.”

Gavin threw open the curtain with a flourish and a smile. Ray snorted. His dumb idiot of a roommate had tied a hand towel around his waist, which did precisely nothing for his modesty, and he must have somehow swiped the gym teacher’s lanyard because a shiny silver whistle was hanging around his neck. “Drop and give me twenty.” Gavin said. He could barely contain his giggle.

Ray crossed his arms over his chest and leaned against the doorway, “Push-ups? Fat chance. Now, kisses on the other hand…”

Gavin’s grin widened and he all but bounded at Ray, lips first. The kiss was salty and eager, but Ray relished it, his hands sliding down to rest on the terry cloth around Gavin’s waist. They pulled away and Gavin ducked to quickly peck Ray’s nose. Ray scrunched his nose and wriggled his hips.

“You know,” He started, “You should really tie your knots a bit tighter.”

Gavin only had a moment to look confused before Ray pulled off his towel and scurried away. “Hey!” He squealed as he took after Ray into the locker room. Gavin tried to cover himself at first but – seeing as that didn’t do much and it was just the two of them in the room anyway – he eventually gave up on that and full on sprinted after Ray. Ray dropped both of their book bags with a giggle and managed to dance his way out of Gavin’s grasp. He spun the towel into itself several times so that it twisted tight like a corkscrew and popped Gavin’s butt with a resounding smack before Gavin started pouting in defeat. “That’s not fair, give that back!” He cried at Ray, who had jumped up on a bench and was holding the towel like some sort of trophy over his head.

“Come and get it if you want it so bad.” Ray’s tone was teasing. Gavin couldn’t help but play along.

He struck a pose, one hand behind his head and the other on his hip. “If you liked the view so much you could’ve just told me, Ray. No need to be coy.” He swayed his hips and Ray nearly choked on his own tongue. That was just playing dirty. Gavin immediately dropped the sultry act to guffaw loudly, “You should see your face! You’re completely red!”

“Shut up,” Ray mumbled as he hopped off the bench. He avoided looking directly at Gavin and handed him the towel. “Hurry up and get dressed so we can go.”

Gavin hummed, tilted his head, and forewent taking the towel from Ray, instead grabbing his wrist to pull him close. He pressed their bodies flush together and moved his mouth to Ray’s ear. “Or we can stay.” His breath was hot and his voice was low. Ray gulped.

“Stay and do what?” As if Ray didn’t know the answer to that question.

Gavin chuckled and nipped at Ray’s ear.

There was a slight twinge of composure, some sense of self-control that plucked at Ray’s conscience. They had stuff to do. He had stuff to do at least. Chapters to read. Things to pack. Projects to finish. But then Gavin nibbled at a spot on Ray’s neck, his knees went hollow, and Ray was a lost cause.

Throwing caution to the wind was something that happened a lot when you got tangled up with Gavin Free. The boy’s energy was infectious. Ray was beginning to figure that out the hard way.

That was how he ended up splayed across one of the benches on his back with Gavin sucking him off and two fingers deep in his ass. It was when Gavin growled in the back of his throat and crooked his fingers so that they brushed that spot that made Ray see stars, when Ray nearly came apart at the seams. He fought down a shudder that threatened to rock his entire frame, but he couldn’t quite swallow the brazen moan that tumbled from his lips. Gavin pulled off of Ray’s cock and Ray could feel the curve of his mouth as he smiled against his sensitive head. While Gavin worked another finger into Ray’s tight hole, he placed hungry kisses along his shaft.

“Bless,” Gavin muttered, dragging his tongue across the tip, “Thy gifts,” A kiss, “Which we are about to receive,” Another kiss and, holy shit, it took Ray a moment to surface from his haze of lust long enough to realize that Gavin was reciting a bastardized version of grace, “From Thy bounty.” Gavin curved his fingers again and Ray bucked his hips with a strangled groan. “Through–”

“Christ, Gavin.” Ray interrupted. He rubbed his hands over his face and focused on his breathing. “Stop being a goddamn seductive asshole and fuck me already.”

All touch seemed to cease at once as Gavin pulled out and away completely. Ray’s breath was hot against his own palms as he lay there on the clammy wood of the bench and wondered who the fuck carried lube and condoms in their backpack in the first place. Gavin’s voice cut through Ray’s thoughts.

“C’mere.” Gavin’s voice was low and gruff, laced with arousal.

Ray peeked through his fingers to see Gavin with his legs spread wide as he straddled the bench, dick hard and wrapped in a condom. Ray was pretty damn sure that this was the most beautiful Gavin had ever looked, but he was also pretty damn sure that he thought that about everything Gavin did. He crawled over to Gavin on all fours and planted a wet kiss on his mouth. Gavin grunted in surprise, moving his hands to Ray’s waist.

Without breaking the kiss, they shifted so that Ray was astride Gavin’s lap. The head of Gavin’s dick was pressed to Ray’s rim when they pulled apart. A string of spit hung between their mouths and glistened in the fluorescent lighting.

Fingers dug into Ray’s hips as he lowered onto Gavin’s dick. That full feeling was back and it was almost intoxicating how good it felt. Ray bottomed out fairly quickly. He let his eyes flutter shut and he braced his hands on Gavin’s chest, taking a moment to just feel Gavin inside him. Ray clenched and he could have sworn that Gavin’s nails drew blood with how firmly he gripped Ray’s hips. “You feel so tight,” Gavin groaned. “So damn warm too.”

Ray hadn’t had enough encounters like this to know if that was a good thing, so he relaxed and looked down worriedly. “Is that okay or…?”

Nimble fingers moved from his hips, leaving red crescents in bruising skin, and skimmed over Ray’s bare chest. Gavin rubbed the pad of his thumb over Ray’s nipple. His eyes were half closed and he leaned up to softly kiss Ray’s shoulder. “It’s perfect, love. You’re perfect.” Gavin murmured into heated skin.

For some reason that was the greatest thing Ray had ever heard. He rocked his hips and Gavin fell back with a moan and a thud as his head hit the bench. Gavin’s hands were back on Ray’s waist, guiding his hips, and Ray wanted to hear those words again.

He ducked his head down in the crook of Gavin’s neck to hide his smile. “I’m what?”

“Bloody perfect.” The words were stilted and Gavin’s breathing was erratic, but the sentiment remained untarnished.

Ray ground down, rolling his hips and feeling a hint of satisfaction when Gavin bucked up into him with a whimper. “Say it again.”

“You’re bloody perfect, Ray. Bloody effing perfect.”

And Ray was on cloud nine because everything in that moment was so very right. Well almost. He wanted to hear Gavin say he was perfect, like he really truly meant it, while Ray was getting lost in his breathtaking gaze.

Which was hard when Gavin seemed to be avoiding eye contact at all costs.

Ray moved his face to press his lips to Gavin’s in a slow kiss. He then sat up and looked down at Gavin. His eyes were closed and lips red. Ray bounced once experimentally and the sound that erupted from Gavin barely registered as human. Taking that as a good sign, Ray did it again and tried not to marvel at how good Gavin’s dick felt sliding in and out of him. “Y’know,” Ray said once he had a steady rhythm and Gavin still had his eyes screwed shut, “You could at least look at me while I’m riding your dick.”

Gavin’s voice hitched but he still managed to say, “We’re fine like this.”

And somehow just those four words ruined absolutely everything. The perfection of the moment shattered and Ray stopped moving altogether. His shoulders sagged.

“Seriously?” He said, crestfallen.

Gavin sighed and draped his arm across his eyes; the spot on Ray’s hip where Gavin’s hand used to be was painfully cold. “Are you really doing this right now?”

Ray could only stare at Gavin with his mouth agape. Well forgive Ray for wanting some sort of intimate moment while he fucked his boyfriend.

No.

Wait.

Shit.

Friend.

Roommate.

Right.

Ray muttered darkly to himself about how fucked up everything was as he got off of Gavin’s dick and climbed out of his lap. He ignored Gavin’s protests and pulled his pants on, not even bothering to look for his underwear. He stormed off towards the door, fully intent on just walking all the way back to the dorm without a coat or a shirt, but Gavin scrambled after him, pulling his underwear on with one hand and grabbing Ray’s wrist with the other. Ray stopped walking. He didn’t turn around.

They stood in silence for a time before Gavin realized that Ray wasn’t going to say anything. “Don’t go,” Gavin said. Ray couldn’t tell whose hand was shaking, his or Gavin’s. “If I apologize, will you stop being mad at me?” Gavin swung their arms to and fro and Ray could all but see his pout. “Ray?” He pulled hard enough to turn Ray around, but Ray kept his gaze steadfast on the grimy floor of the locker room. Gavin huffed, shifted his weight from one foot to the other, and said, “I’m sorry, alright?”

That was the shittiest apology Ray had ever heard. Ray didn’t even really know what Gavin should have been apologizing for. So why was he smiling and actually contemplating picking up where they left off?

Seeing Ray’s smile, Gavin said, “I take it you accept my apology, then?” He mirrored Ray’s expression. “I think I deserve a kiss for that.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “You don’t deserve shit.” He chuckled as Gavin pulled him into an open mouthed kiss. Gavin led Ray back to the bench, kissing him on his mouth and nose and cheek and neck and any inch of skin his lips could reach.

How they ended up so that Ray was the one sitting down on the bench with Gavin almost in his lap was anyone’s guess. Not that Ray minded. Gavin was working on undoing Ray’s pants and sucking a dark bruise on his throat when it happened.

The door to the locker room swung open.

Heaven and Earth stood still in that moment. They had to have because Ray’s heart stopped cold and everyone in the room froze.

“Um.” Jack said.

Joel ran a hand through his hair with a frown.

There was no way this didn’t look bad. Ray was nearly fully reclined on the bench with no shirt on and Gavin’s hand practically down his pants. Gavin, who was only wearing underwear – and thank God for that at least, because he still had a condom on his half hard cock.

Ray stared at Jack and Joel with wide eyes, barely registering that his hands were still tangled in Gavin’s hair. “We were just…” Ray had zero clue how to finish that sentence. ‘We were just about to fuck’ was literally the only thing rattling in his head over and over again. It got to the point where the words began to sound accusatory, hateful almost.

Then Jack gave him the most pitying look and Ray just stopped trying.

Jack took a step forward only to falter, as though he wasn’t sure if he wanted to approach Ray and Gavin or to simply walk away. “Oh, boys…” Ray hated the sad sound of pity in his voice, absolutely hated it.

But then Ray noticed that he had never seen Joel look so somber and for a split second it was himself who Ray hated.

“Don’t say anything, Jack.” Gavin was surprisingly calm about this. Or at least his voice was surprisingly calm. His hands were braced against Ray’s bare shoulders and shaking fiercely. “You either Joel.” Joel opened his mouth to argue but Gavin cut him off with all of the world’s desperation on his tongue. “ _Please_.”

Ray couldn’t look directly at the two of them anymore when his vision became blurry. It took him a moment to realize that he was crying.

Ray’s hands dropped from Gavin’s hair and into his lap; he looked at his clenching and unclenching fingers through falling tears with his head pressed to Gavin’s chest.

“There’s always confession, you know.”

“Thanks, Jack. We had no idea.” Gavin’s tone was biting and at least one of them could speak because Ray was feeling completely useless. He couldn’t get a hold on his breathing and God he hoped his sniffling didn’t sound as loud as it did in his own ears.

“Maybe you two should – ”

“Wow thanks, Joel. We’ll keep that in mind.” Gavin must have glared at them, given them some sort of look that firmly ended all conversation they had perched on their tongues, because both and Jack and Joel got unduly quiet. Then they shuffled out of the locker room. If Ray had the heart, he would have wondered what they needed from the gym so late in the day, but his heart was somewhere between his throat and his gut and he was choking on saltwater waves.

Gavin’s warm hands were cupping Ray’s face and he vaguely registered soothing words being spoken to him, but Ray couldn’t make them out. With the sound of his own pulse resounding in his head and his pathetic, strangled sobs, Ray couldn’t really hear a thing. He tried to say Gavin’s name, hoping that it could tug him back to a plane of stability, but his body just started shaking and then Ray couldn’t hear anything save for a sad, sorrowful wailing.

Gavin pulled Ray close and rocked them back and forth while rubbing small circles in Ray’s back. He was trying to hush him, Ray realized. Gavin was trying to quiet Ray’s wracking sobs that he hadn’t fully known were his own.

Ray had slipped somewhere along the way. Sometime between when he had started attending this stupid school and now, he had completely veered off course. This wasn’t the plan. The plan was a carefully calculated balancing act that was supposed to guarantee happiness. _Whose_ happiness, exactly, was still a tossup between him and everyone around him, but the point still stood that Ray had slipped up. And he was falling.

“We’ll be okay,” Gavin was murmuring. “Jack’s good at keeping secrets, Ray. We’ll be okay.” Ray was still trembling and Gavin pulled away. He put his hands back to Ray’s face, wiping away a few tears. He was looking at Ray with his eyes full of concern and Ray would rather be swimming in those glassy pools than lungs full of mucus. “We have each other. Just keep your eyes on me.”

Ray and Gavin were just two kids who had screwed up somewhere down the line. They weren’t exactly sure what they did wrong, but Gavin was the only lifeline Ray had in that one painful moment and he clung on to him for dear life.

____________________

It was the night of the Christmas pageant.

Ray had carefully avoided Jack and Joel over the past few days. It wasn’t exactly that difficult of a task considering how little Ray saw the upperclassmen in the first place. Thank God for the little things, he supposed.

He and Gavin hadn’t talked about what happened in the locker room. They hadn’t talked about much really. Gavin had tried to push the idea of confessing once Ray had finally stopped crying, but Ray adamantly refused. It wasn’t the most convincing refusal, what with the tear tracks and snot and hiccups, but Gavin resigned with a sigh nonetheless.

So, it was the night of the pageant and Ray was determined to continue pretending that everything was fine. Or at least something resembling fine because he felt weirdly misaligned and open ended. It was weird. Ray hated it.

Ray and Gavin held hands for the first time in days when they made the trek through the cold from Hunter to the Fort. The ground was slick with ice and Ray had fallen and busted his ass twice before Gavin extended his hand with a sympathetic smile. Ray couldn’t feel Gavin’s warmth through their gloves as they helped steady each other across the patches of ice that had crystallized in the falling temperatures of the setting sun.

The Fort was nearly packed when they entered. This was Ray’s first time in the old theater. He did know Ryan spent a lot of time here, what with being heavily involved with the Academy’s theater department. He actually spotted the upperclassman – decked from head to toe in black – rushing to and fro and barking orders at other students. Ryan gave a curt wave to Ray and Gavin when Gavin excitedly called his name. Ray scanned the seats and bustling audience members for faces that he recognized.

“There’s Geoff!” Gavin tugged at Ray’s arm and pulled him down the aisle towards the front rows, calling Geoff’s name and practically bouncing on the balls of his feet.

Geoff tilted his head enough to see Gavin bounding his way towards him and nodded hello. He was seated between Burnie and Gus, who were arguing as per usual. There were a few empty seats in the row behind them. Gavin slid into the available seats and Ray followed.

Ray offered a small wave to the older trio.

They exchanged salutations and the conversation changed gears into what everyone’s holiday plans were. Ray let them talk amongst themselves while he went back to skimming the faces of people in the audience. He saw Lindsay and Barbara sitting a few seats away, their heads huddled together conspiratorially. Caleb sat in the row behind them and had his cap pulled low over his eyes and his feet propped up on the back of Lindsay’s seat.

Something hit Ray in the back of the head, bounced off, and rolled onto the floor. Ray frowned and looked down at the balled up piece of paper resting by his feet. He nudged the wad with his toe a few times before he heard a shrill whistle. When he looked around he saw Kerry, held up by a grinning Miles, waving with both arms in the air.

Ray gave them a quizzical look. Kerry cupped his hands around his mouth and yelled something unintelligible. Ray’s face must have looked even more perplexed because Kerry repeated himself and waved his arms in some sort of interpretive dance. Ray was never good at charades. Kerry huffed, pulled out his phone and it wasn’t long before Ray’s phone was vibrating in his pocket. Ray fished it out and read the text he had received.

_u seen monty_

Why they didn’t just text Monty in the first place didn’t make sense to Ray, but whatever. Ray looked up at an expectant Kerry. He shrugged. Kerry shrugged. Miles would have shrugged but his arms were still full with Kerry.

The impressive balancing act was brought to a halt by Matt when he walked past and gave Miles and Kerry a look and a few choice words. Miles smiled sheepishly and gently placed his friend down while Kerry shrugged and put on a cherubic expression. Kat, who had been walking next to Matt, laughed and dragged Matt by the arm to a pair of empty seats.

Suddenly, Kara plopped down in the single open seat next to Gus. “What’s up, losers?” She greeted them amiably.

“Well _someone’s_ happy.” Burnie said with a sly look.

Gus scratched his chin and said offhandedly, “Ten bucks says she got laid.”

Kara’s face went bright red and she scoffed. “Rude!” She slapped at Gus’s shoulder.

Burnie took that as an invite to keep teasing her. He leaned forward so he could see Kara past Geoff and Gus. “Who’s the poor bastard? That sophomore you’ve been flirting with all semester?”

This must have been a reoccurring topic because Kara scoffed again with a roll of her eyes. “His name’s Chris and I didn’t do him. Geez don’t be so gross, Burns.”

Burnie leaned back with a loud laugh and even Geoff, who had been trying to keep out of it, chuckled a bit. Gus turned to look at Kara with a level stare. “But you kissed him right?” He said it so seriously that it took Ray a moment to realize that he was poking fun.

Ray didn’t think it was possible for Kara’s face to turn even brighter as she focused her attention on smoothing down her shirt instead of looking at Gus. “God, shut up.”

At that moment, when Gus, Burnie, and Geoff were laughing at Kara’s red face, Jack sat down in the empty seat next to Ray. “’Sup?” He said like it was the most casual thing in the world.

The small smile that was on Ray’s face fell immediately. Great. Now what was he supposed to do? Acknowledge the guy? Smile and nod and say hi like Jack and Joel totally didn’t walk in on Ray and Gavin banging? Thankfully, he didn’t have to say anything or even acknowledge Jack’s presence because Geoff turned around with a crooked smile.

“Nothing much, asshole. You’re late though. You’re usually at these things early.”

Jack settled into his seat and grunted at Geoff’s comment. “Joel, man. He’s been griping about this thing for ages and was dragging his feet all afternoon.”

“Then why didn’t he just not do it?” Geoff asked.

Jack threw his hands in the air. “That’s what I said! But whatever, it’s Joel, it wouldn’t be him without incessant complaining.” Jack huffed and lowered his arms to rest them on the armrests on either side of his seat. Ray subtly moved his own arm closer to his body to avoid touching him. Jack didn’t seem to notice and proceeded to strike up a casual conversation with Geoff.

Ray, on the other hand, was anything but casual. He felt oddly stiff, like his limbs didn’t belong to him and he was hyperaware of where they were and what they were doing. Gavin bumped his shoulder and Ray looked over at him. He would have asked Gavin what that was for, but his tongue was too heavy to really work right.

Gavin smiled. Ray should have been ashamed of how the butterflies in his stomach settled and the pounding of his heart in his ears faded. Something about Gavin aiming that soft lopsided grin at him put the feeling back in Ray’s fingers and toes. He relaxed a bit and smiled back.

Yeah, they were going to be okay.

“So what are your plans for the end of the year, Ray?” Gavin asked. His shoulder was still pressed against Ray’s. “You never did tell me.”

“Because you never asked.” Ray grinned.

“Liar.”

Their faces were close enough that Ray could feel Gavin’s breath tickling his nose. He ignored the feeling of Jack giving them a meaningful glance and pulled back a little bit. “I’m not doing anything big anyway. Just hanging with my mom and stuffing myself with food. You know, the usual.”

Gavin stuck out his tongue and Ray was only slightly glad that he had put space between them. “Lucky,” Gavin said, “At least you’ll be having fun.”

Ray wouldn’t exactly call being a lazy fuck fun. Okay he would, but he wasn’t sure other people would consider his holiday plans all that lively. Then he remembered Gavin’s home life wasn’t quite the same as his. “Oh right, you’re spending yours with your dad, aren’t you?”

Gavin slid down low in his seat and stared dourly at the back of the chair in front of him. “Yeah. Exciting stuff.” He looked up at Ray with a pout. “Can’t I just go home with you?”

Ray didn’t mean to laugh as loud as he did. The thought of another teenage boy in his and his mother’s shitty apartment was just too ridiculous a notion. There was no way their fridge would survive a day between the two of them. That wouldn’t be the only issue as far as accommodations went. “We’d have to share my bed though.”

“Done.” Gavin said with a giggle.

Like they didn’t spend more time in each other’s beds together than alone. Ray couldn’t remember the last time he fell asleep without Gavin’s comforting heat pressed against him. But no one but them knew that. Jack didn’t know that. Jack didn’t need to know that.

So Ray gently shoved Gavin with a chuckle of his own, “Gross, dude.”

Gavin kept laughing and sat up so that he could hook his arm around Ray’s neck and bring him down for a noogie. Ray cried out in protest but, between his peals of laughter, his complaints weren’t all that convincing.

When the assault let up and both Ray and Gavin’s laughter subsided, Geoff eyed Gavin’s arm looped around Ray’s neck. “Have these two always been this close?” He scratched his head. “Jesus, where have I been?”

Gavin giggled, letting his arm drop from around Ray. The back of Ray’s neck was still hot, buzzing with the absence of Gavin’s touch. “That’s what I want to know, Geoffrey.” Gavin’s tone was mocking as he emphasized Geoff’s name.

Geoff reached out and shoved Gavin, pushing his hand against the boy’s face. Gavin protested with a squawk. “Fuck you, Gavin, I’ve been busy.”

And just like that the topic changed gears. The conversation flitted from topic to topic, Ray dutifully ignored Jack sitting next to him, Geoff kept making jokes about how close Ray and Gavin seemed, and Ray just laughed them off time and time again. He was following Gavin’s lead really, just play it off like a joke and pretend absolutely nothing had changed. They were going to be okay in the end, after all.

The tension was just starting to ease from Ray’s shoulders and he pulled a face at something gross Gavin said when Gavin gave him a sour look in response and ruffled Ray’s hair. Ray giggled and batted his hand away and then Geoff said it: “You guys are so in love.”

He was joking. He meant it one hundred percent in jest and Ray knew it.

But Ray’s heart still plummeted and he wanted the floor to swallow him up whole because he could feel Jack’s gaze on him. He didn’t want to look. He couldn’t. He didn’t know what would happen if he did.

Gavin, like always, took the statement in stride. “Ugh, shut up, Geoff. “ He said as he kicked the back of Geoff’s chair. Geoff just laughed and made kissy noises. It took everything Ray had to stretch his face into something that resembled a smile.

By the grace of God, the house lights flickered once, then twice, signaling that the service was about to start. The excited murmuring quieted. Everyone settled into their seats as the lights dimmed. The curtain lifted with a soft hush and the lights rose on the stage. A spotlight shone on a familiar face with a pair of wings strapped to his back.

Welp, Ray found Monty. Though, judging by Miles poorly stifled squealing several rows back, so did Miles and Kerry.

Monty made a pretty impressive Gabriel if Ray did say so himself. He really sold the whole ‘you’re preggo with God’s only begotten son better get used to it’ vibe. His delivery of his lines was certainly convincing.

Then Joseph strode on stage and Ray could recognize those auburn curls anywhere. Michael wasn’t kidding when he had said he enjoyed performing; he seemed to commit to his role and definitely was loud enough. When the first musical number rolled around, Ray was impressed because, wow, who knew he could sing like that?

For all the Christmas programs and musicals that Ray had been too (which, granted were few and far between), this one wasn’t all that bad. Things did get a little rocky when Joel, the most sardonic wise man ever, started improvising his lines. But then everything was set back on course by Mary jabbing him in the side with a well-placed elbow.

The play ended with a moving final number with performances by everyone in the inn and half of Bethlehem. The light dimmed on the final scene of Mary and her grumpy looking husband overlooking a baby doll in a manger. It was cute, Ray thought as the audience applauded.

Then the curtains drew to a close. A man strode onto the stage amidst the scattered clapping and went to stand behind a podium just onstage. The spotlight focused on him and the sermon began.

“Good evening.” The audience murmured back a tired reply. The man paused for a moment and folded his hands on top of the podium. “That was quite the performance, wasn’t it? A great reminder of what we are celebrating this time of the year. ‘Tis the season after all.” Ray stirred in his seat. His knuckles brushed against Gavin’s. “Now is the time of giving. Whether it is your time, your money, or something you hold dear, bear in mind that charity is a virtue. ”

The sermon continued, touching on the generosity of the inn keeper and charity of God Himself by giving the world his only son. Then the message took a turn towards self-sacrifice and Ray started to feel uncomfortable.

“Sometimes sacrifice is necessary.” The man said solemnly, “Sometimes a true testament of your charity is how much you suffer in giving it.”

Wait no, that didn’t sound right. Ray didn’t want to have to give up anything. He wanted things to stay the same, only better. If that made any sense. Which it didn’t, but the way Gavin’s knee felt pressed against his was too good to give up.

If it was necessary – like, actually required – for you to experience pain to snag some sort of divine brownie points, Ray wasn’t really into the whole holiness thing. Not like he wasn’t already experiencing pain already.

“Often times in the act of giving these things up, you learn more about yourself and benefit from the sacrifice.”

Ray doubted that, but okay.

“Did you really need those things in the first place?”

Maybe not, but the way their bodies bent and curved against each other in the darkness of their dorm room was probably the most beautiful thing God ever created.

“Aren’t you better off without them?”

Not if Ray couldn’t stare into Gavin’s eyes and get lost in that beguiling gaze that reminded him of glaciers and galaxies.

“And who are we to question God’s plan?”

Ray didn’t have an answer for that one.

“You’re one step closer to happiness, but more importantly, you’re one step closer to God.”

One step closer to God seemed a lot like one step away from Gavin. The spots where they were touching – their knees, their knuckles – suddenly felt like they were burning white hot and Ray found he was having trouble breathing again.

Everyone began clapping and the priest was walking off stage before Ray realized that the sermon was over.

The curtain rose again. Members of the choir were standing on risers, clothed in polyester robes. The choir director strode to center stage, tapped a baton against an awaiting music stand and the small space was filled with song.

The priest’s words were tumbling over and over again in Ray’s head as the choir sang about Glory and Holy infants. This was what he had wanted, right? What he yearned for in the beginning? He wanted to be close to Gavin Free. Wanted to kiss him and feel him and feel wanted by him. And something else. Ray had wanted something else, but that something else was lost now, unnamable after the kisses and blowjobs and…everything. Everything was unnamable lately, words were just out of Ray’s reach and he could only grasp at them, fingertips grazing nearly tangible edges because Ray just couldn’t get his shit together for the life of him. He couldn’t sort out his feelings because he couldn’t sort out his thoughts (or was it vice versa?) and he felt like a jumbled, tightly wound mess.

He had to leave. Ray had to get out of that stifling theater because he felt like he was going to break – fall apart and start bawling right in the theater – and that couldn’t happen. So Ray stood up and shuffled his way past Jack, ignoring both his and Gavin’s questioning glances, and left. Ray didn’t have a destination in mind when he stepped out into the cold. Wind whipped at his face and Ray tried to blink away the stinging in his eyes.

Ray was crouched with his back to the brick wall of the Fort, choking on tears, when Gavin found him. He stared down at Ray with his hands in his pockets. The wind cut them both to the core. Gavin suggested confession again.

Ray could only nod and hiccup, heaving great white puffs into the night air.

____________________


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on January 23, 2014.

It was cold. It was freezing cold and Ray was numb all over. The church loomed overhead, its stained glass face muted by the overcast sky. He rubbed his hands together and tried to breathe warmth into his fingers, but the chill still bit away the sensation in his limbs.

It was the last day of class before break. The sun hadn’t risen yet. Ray was supposed to meet Michael in a few hours and his bags were sitting in the room on his bed, packed and ready to go. He had left Gavin sleeping alone – in his own bed for once – and the peaceful look on that beautiful face was still etched in Ray’s mind.

Ray sniffed. He tucked his chin in the collar of his coat and pushed open the heavy wooden doors. As the doors gave way, they groaned and creaked, the sound echoing off of the high walls into the raised ceiling. He stood there in the doorway until silence fell across everything again. It was an eerie silence, a sullen quiet pressing in from all sides. Ray took a step inside. The doors closed with a solid thud.

The inside of the church was even drearier than the outside. Without the sun streaming through the window, the nave looked colorless. Lonely. There were no slivers of dancing light. No red and blue and gold shapes cast onto the polished floors. The whole place had the feel of something closer to a cemetery than a cathedral. A place of mourning as opposed to a place of worship. It felt as though things came there only to die.

Ray’s knees felt weak.

He steadied his hand on the hard wood of a pew before he followed it towards the wooden confessional against the wall. It stood with an almost menacing sort of air and suddenly Ray wasn’t sure he wanted to do this.

The inside was even worse. It was small and suffocating and intimate in a way that Ray wasn’t comfortable with. He was lost in that great wide expanse between his ears that was full of woes and worries, set adrift in a tiny rectangular box with intricate latticework. He knelt in front of the curtain and made the Sign of the Cross before clasping his hands together. The floor of the confessional was hard and cut into his knees. Ray bowed his head.

“Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.” He said to the person obscured behind the screen. It had been a while since he had done this. Years since he had watched his mother stride in and ask for guidance on a failing married. Years since they stopped going to church as much, stopped praying as much. It felt weird. “It’s been…pretty much forever since my last confession.”

The shadow behind the screen moved and Ray could smell incense. “Go ahead. Tell me your sins, my child.”

Ray fidgeted a little before he took a deep breath. He could do this. If he wanted him and Gavin to be okay, he had to do this. He decided to start at the beginning because that seemed like the best place to start.

“So there’s this boy.” The words felt foreign on his tongue, detached and impersonal because Gavin was more than just some boy. He was _the_ boy. The boy who was ruining his life and giving it meaning at the same time. “First it was just hand holding and that was fine, that was perfect, but then it got…weird. Bad weird. I started, uh,” Ray wasn’t sure the best way to word his creepy masturbatory habits. “Giving into temptation?” That would have to work for now. Ray continued, moving on to the important parts of his last few months at this Academy on the edge of nowhere. “We’ve kissed, Father,” He said. “And more. A lot more.”

Silence. Ray stared at the shadow beyond the screen. He wasn’t sure what he expected to happen, but the shadow shifted with a nod. “Go on.” A resonating voice said.

Ray continued. “I think that first kiss might have been when I fell. Like really actually fell ‘cause his lips are really warm, y’know? His everything’s really warm honestly. He makes me feel good when we’re together but afterwards…”

Ray couldn’t really find the right words to confess. He needed to talk to somebody about the countless thoughts swirling in his head because this was all eating him up inside. He needed some form of guidance, someone to tell him what to do with the chaotic storm raging in his chest. Eloquence was never his strong suit, so Ray cut to the chase.

“I like him a lot, Father. Like a lot a lot. I just don’t think – I’m pretty sure what we’re doing isn’t one hundred percent approved by God. But we aren’t dating, ‘cause that’s gay, right? And that’s definitely sinful, so at least there’s that, right?”

Yeah, that was the sinful part, Ray. Calling the boy you’ve had sex with your boyfriend was what made the whole thing depraved.

But, really, that one technicality was all Ray had. It was the only semblance of how informal this was meant to be. It was supposed to be easy. They could stop at any time because this wasn’t supposed to mean anything. It wasn’t supposed to be serious. They were supposed to be friends. Friends who kissed. But then it warped into something immersive and important and Ray didn’t want to be friends anymore. And that’s what was tripping him up. He was starting to view their liaison as an actual viable relationship. But that wasn’t the plan. At all.

The screen was still silent. Ray blinked away the blurriness in his vision. When he spoke next, his voice was quiet, barely above a whisper. “You ever have someone run their hands all over you until you feel like you’re burning up, Father? It’s a good feeling. A really good, really nice feeling. Then he tells you you’re perfect and touches you with those hands and you actually want to believe him.”

Ray tried to keep his voice steady, but the wavering slipped through anyway. “I can’t tell anybody how he makes me feel. I can’t tell my mom about any of this. I’m pretty sure she’d die if she knew.” Ray closed his eyes and inhaled deeply. His clasped hands were pressed against his forehead as he held his breath. He shakily exhaled and asked the one question he needed answered. “So I’m asking you, Father: what do I do?”

The length of time that the shadow behind the screen remained silent was expansive. Ray was desperate, really truly desperate for some sort of guidance, so he waited the silence out until the figure behind the screen heaved a heavy sigh and spoke. The priest’s voice was low and gravely.

“You have done well to come and lay yourself and your guilt before God.” He said. “I know you are scared, child. It can be frightening to admit when one has failed in resisting temptation.”

Ray thought back to the number of nights – before Gavin had kissed him in the dimly lit pool – spent rubbing rough fingers over underlined Bible verses. He had been so cautious before. He had made sure to resist as best he could but Gavin was just so…so _much_. Gavin was so much and felt so much and made Ray feel so much. And Ray? Ray had gotten careless with it all.

They were losing something these days. They had lost something that night months ago and had been losing that something ever since. Ray wondered if that something was morality.

The priest continued to talk, oblivious to Ray’s inner musings. “Now do not be mistaken, my child, for it is not homosexuality in itself that is the sin. It is acting on those impulses that is truly sinful. But by coming here, you have taken the first step in attaining peace with yourself and with God.”

Ray doubted he could ever obtain inner peace at this point. He was being pulled in every direction and his spirit was wearing so terribly thin. He wasn’t sure what was keeping him grounded anymore, if anything at all, but bright eyes and a crooked smile quickly surfaced in his mind before diving down beneath waves of thought once again.

“The holidays are coming up, my child.” Yes. Yes they were. Why did everyone keep reminding him that? Like he could possibly forget that Christmas was days away. “Spend time with your family. Focus on them. Keep your mind on other matters, away from the boy who raises the temptation within you. Keep your distance and pray.”

The walls felt like they were closing in. Ray’s throat was dry and he had to run a tongue over cracked lips before he could say anything. “Father?” He wondered if Gavin had any of this in mind when he incessantly prodded Ray about telling someone because this was not the answer Ray wanted to hear. Ray didn’t actually know what answer he wanted to hear, not when he first walked into the church anyway, but he knew this wasn’t it.

But then again, Gavin was the one who suggested confession. Though Jack and Joel had also proposed it, Ray had a horrific feeling that they knew this was the result. Gavin was the one who was adamant about telling other people, starting with his mother. Ray, on the other hand, was one hundred and ten percent content with taking this secret to the grave, keeping his mouth shut until the worms tunneled through his teeth. But Gavin wasn’t really one to notice other people’s discomfort. He was a force, that boy. A force that Ray might have to let rip through someone else’s life.

“Pray.” The priest said. The edges of the shadow behind the screen warbled and blurred as Ray search for the definition of a face. Who would tell him such a thing? Did he not know that Gavin was currently Ray’s everything? That Ray yearned for that gaze and touch day in and day out, like some sort of sick addiction? An addiction he would surely crave no matter the distance or time or prayer? “Pray for the courage to overcome this obstacle in your life. Know that God is with you and through him you will find a way.”

The rest of their time together was a blur. Ray knew he recited the Act of Contrition at some point, but his tongue was heavy and his mouth was numb and his mind was elsewhere. He exited the confessional and kneeled in one of the many empty pews in the church. How long he stayed there, muttering broken prayers with the wood cutting into his knees, Ray wasn’t sure, but when he exited that godforsaken church, he knew one thing for certain: going to confession was a bad idea.

Back in the room, Ray plopped down on his bed, the mattress squeaking in protest. He didn’t feel much better. His arrival must have been louder than he realized because across the room, the lump under the covers shifted as Gavin rolled over with a yawn.  He blinked the sleep out of his eyes before smiling softly at Ray. There was a cold pull in Ray’s gut. “You’re up early,” Gavin mumbled. His voice was still laced thick with sleep.

Ray shrugged. He felt sort of hollow inside. “I’m riding with Michael and his mom, remember? He’s probably gonna be down in a few minutes.”

“Come here,” Gavin lifted up his blanket as he stifled another yawn, “We’ve still got time to cuddle.”

Ray kicked his feet, the soles of his shoes scuffing the floor every now and again. He shook his head. “Nah. Too far of a walk.”

Gavin dropped his arm and gave Ray a look. It was a sleep encrusted look that Ray was only marginally sure was meant to convey annoyance. “Ray.” Gavin said.

“Gavin.” Ray said. The priest’s words were still in Ray’s thoughts and he was trying his damndest to stay put. It was hard with that adorably tired face frowning at him. In the end, Ray’s resolution to stay rooted didn’t matter because Gavin rolled out of bed with the covers still wrapped around his body. He pulled the sheets off of the bed as he trudged over to Ray in a sort of fabric cape. Ray stared at his shoes swinging back and forth. Gavin leaned down and kissed the top of his head, sending a chill through Ray that threatened to slice him clean open. Ray leaned away.

“What’s wrong?” Gavin pouted and, God, Ray was the worst at lying to that face. But he was going to have to, because he hadn’t found the right way to tell Gavin what was in God’s plan for them. Ray was probably making a big deal out of nothing, to be honest. Gavin had always seemed a little less invested in this affair then Ray was. It was a game to Gavin. An affectionate game between friends, so what was the big deal if they had to spend some time apart? What did it mean to Gavin if ‘some time apart’ turned out to be forever?

But Ray was a coward who was better at avoiding his problems than facing them. “Your morning breath reeks dude.” He said.

Gavin pulled a face before giggling. He squeezed into the space between Ray and Ray’s duffle bag and their hips dug into one another. “But you like my gross morning breath.” He made a point to breathe in Ray’s direction and the face Ray made was one hundred percent genuine. This pleased Gavin and he ducked down for another kiss. Ray would have protested, made up an excuse to put space between the two of them, but Gavin had captured his lips in a bittersweet kiss that Ray realized might be their last. It started out sweet, despite everything, but then Ray tangled his hands in Gavin’s hair and pulled him closer. If it was going to be their last kiss, Ray wanted to make sure that it was something they would both remember.

There was a knock on the door.

Gavin pulled away. He touched his forehead to Ray’s and tried to catch his breath. “That must be Michael.”

“Yeah,” Ray heard himself say, “Must be.”

Gavin hopped up, still draped in sheets like some bedding superhero, and reached out a hand to Ray. Ray accepted the hand and was pulled up off the bed. He grabbed his bags before opening the door.

Michael stood there, yawning and hair mussed. He rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. “Remind me to never get up this early. Like ever.” He shifted the bag on his shoulder, “You ready to head out? My mother’ll be here in like two minutes.” Ray nodded. Michael peered around him to wave at Gavin, “See you next year, asshole. Try not to be a total dumbass over break.”

Gavin shot him a cheeky grin, all teeth and twinkling eyes. “Can’t make any promises there, Michael,” he said while rocking on his toes, “Stay safe, yeah?”

Michael waved him off and turned to head down the hall towards the elevator. “Yeah, yeah. You too, Gavin.”

Ray followed after Michael, giving Gavin a look over his shoulder. He tried to take a moment to memorize how Gavin looked right in that moment: sleep-mussed hair, a lazy smile, and ruffled pajamas all wrapped up in blankets. Gavin waved and the hem of his shirt rose enough to reveal the trail of hair along his stomach. Ray bit his lip and waved goodbye, turning back around to follow Michael down the hall.

Ray was going to miss Gavin over the next two weeks. The warmth and the comfort, the kisses and the sex. He wondered if what they had would be the same after all was said and done.

____________________

The ride with Michael and his mother was an experience. Ray had never been on a road trip in his life, but riding in the car with Michael and Mrs. Jones as they belted along to pop songs on the radio was probably the closet he was going to get. Midway through their karaoke performance, Mrs. Jones gasped dramatically. Ray worriedly looked out the window for some sort of five car pileup or overturned 18- wheeler or _something_ , but the roads were clearer than the sky and nary a flashing light was in sight. Michael’s mother looked at him in the passenger seat and glanced at Ray in the rearview mirror.

“Are you boys hungry?”

Ray tilted his head and tried not to laugh at her completely over the top reaction. Michael shrugged and grunted. Ray vaguely remembered something about carsickness and wondered if that was the reason for his sudden reticence. Michael’s mother was still looking at Ray expectantly in the mirror even though her eyes should have returned to the road seconds ago. Ray shrugged, he was a little hungry, if he was being honest. He hadn’t eaten anything for breakfast and they had been on the road long enough for the sun to fully rise.

They ended up grabbing burgers and fries from a drive thru at Mrs. Jones’s behest and she paid for Ray’s meal despite his protests. The conversation in the car lulled as they ate. The radio was turned down low and Michael and his mother were talking about some show or another that Ray didn’t keep up with.

Ray’s thoughts had turned elsewhere anyway. He was contemplating the priest’s words and wondering what to do about his situation with Gavin. Ray didn’t know what else to call it other than a ‘situation’. He couldn’t call it breaking up because they weren’t technically dating in the first place, they were friends. Friends Who Kiss and Stuff. And Ray still wanted to keep the ‘friends’ part even if they had to drop the kisses and the stuff, but it was starting to become apparent that he might not be able to do that and keep a grip on his piety.

Ray was dourly chewing on his fries and gazing out the window when Michael turned around in the front seat to face him and stare him down with a frown. “Dude what’s wrong? You’re all quiet and pissy back here. You alright?” For his borderline abrasive tone, Michael had a gentle look on his face like he was actually worried about Ray’s health.

Ray shook his head. “Just tired I guess. Ready to go home and sleep forever.”

Michael snorted, “I hear that.” He pointed at Ray’s greasy bag. “Hey, you gonna finish your fries?”

Ray tossed a cold fry at Michael’s face and it bounced off his glasses and fell to the floor. “Of course, dude. Wow, talk about greedy.”

Michael dug the fry out from the space between his seat and the center console and shoved it in his mouth. Ray made a face and both him and Michael’s mother called him gross. Michael laughed as he turned back around to face the front.

It wasn’t until they crossed the city lines and the inner city high rises came into view that Ray realized he might have made a mistake letting the Joneses give him a ride home. It wasn’t that he was embarrassed about where he lived; Ray just wasn’t keen on the possible judgment that would follow after letting them see the block he called home. When the car rolled to stop at a red light in an area of the neighborhood that Ray knew like the back of his hand, he unlocked the door.

“You can just drop me off here.” He tried to sound casual, like it was no big deal, but Mrs. Jones tilted her head and looked up and down the street.

“But there’s only a gas station and a – is that a park? – around here.” She leaned forward as she looked right and then left again, as though the new vantage point would help her see some place of residence she might have missed at first.

Ray dragged his backpack from the seat next to him and unclicked his seatbelt. “That’s okay, I can walk the rest of the way. It’s honestly not that far.”

Michael turned around and glowered at Ray. “Dude,” He said. “I told you we’d give you ride home. You’re not being a burden or whatever, so chill out. It really isn’t that big of a deal.”

Ray mulled over this thought in his head. It wasn’t really that he was being self-sacrificing in this instance, hoping to lessen the possible encumbrance he was having on Michael and his mother. He was trying to salvage his pride here. But Michael was glaring daggers at him and Ray knew there was no point in arguing.

“Alright,” He said with a sigh.

When they pulled up to the apartment complex Ray and his mother called home, Ray couldn’t scramble out of the car fast enough. “Welp, this is me.” That was the only thing he said before gathering up his stuff. The car had barely rolled to a stop when he swung open the door.

Michael’s forehead almost banged into the dashboard as his mother hit the brake. He rubbed his shoulder where the seatbelt had locked up and cut into his skin. He looked out the window. “This is where you live?” Michael asked as he took in the sight of the tall red bricked building. There was no pity or amusement in his voice, just a genuine question, and for that, Ray was thankful.

“Yup, that’s what I just said,” Ray muttered as he exited the car. He pulled out his bags, slammed the car door shut, and waved goodbye to Michael.

Michael rolled down the window and leaned out of the car. “Hey, hit me up so we can plan for the ride back to campus.”

Ray searched his face for a moment to look for a trace of humor, but found none. Michael was serious. “You really don’t have to do that.” And Ray was being honest. Michael didn’t have to do anything, from giving Ray his pants to lending him the scarf and now the ride, Michael didn’t have to do any of this. And yet he was. Ray wondered if this was what friends did. The ones you didn’t kiss and stuff of course.

“Dude, shut up it’s not a big deal. Have a good holiday okay?” It was then that Michael cracked a smile. Ray smiled back. He nodded.

“Yeah. Yeah, you too.”

Mrs. Jones waved and told him farewell before driving off and Ray watched the car disappear around a corner before turning back to the apartment.

The guy with the snapback, who Ray was now ninety percent sure was a drug dealer, was sitting on the steps to the complex. He stood up and let Ray pass. “One of your school friends?” He asked.

“Yeah,” Ray said, digging around for his keys.

The guy leaned against the railing and nodded. “Stay safe, little man.”

Ray found his keys and pulled them out with a jingle. “Sure thing.” He fit the right key into the lock with a click. “You too, I guess.” The man grunted and descended the few steps to the sidewalk before sauntering down the street.

Ray opened the door and slipped inside. He didn’t run into the old lady from the second floor with one too many cats, and the woman who ran the salon was nowhere to be seen, but Ray did run into a girl on the way up. She was a bit taller than him and about his age and he’d never seen her before, but he apologized for bumping her and moved on.

When he got home and opened the door it was all he could do not to drop his stuff and lay on the floor right then and there. His mother’s head peeped from around the corner. “You’re home!” She said, rounding the corner with a dishtowel in her hands.

“Yeah.” Ray shuffled inside and placed his bags by the door.

His mother looked concerned as she got closer, “You look tired, baby.”

Ray didn’t know if he took a step forward or if he just sort of fell into his mother’s arms. He buried his face into her neck and relished the feeling of home. “I am tired, Mama. I’m really, really tired.”

____________________

It was only the first day of Christmas break and Gavin’s dad was already getting on Gavin’s last nerve. Ray knew this because Gavin had been texting him incessantly all morning.

_i mean he wants to go to a shooting range ray!_

_we’re not even bloody american!!_

Ray was trying his best to hold his own, to keep his responses short and noncommittal, because if he thought about it too hard, let himself smile too much at the thought of Gavin with ear muffs and a gun in his hand, he was going to lose the resolve to do what needed to be done. It was an arduous process.

The harsh glow of his cell phone stared at him in the early morning darkness, Gavin’s latest texts begging for some sort of reply. Ray’s finger hovered over the touchscreen keyboard until the screen went dark. Ray continued to stare at his phone, at his ruffled reflection in the blank screen, well into the morning. A wailing siren sounded from the street below. With a huff, Ray climbed out of bed and shuffled from his room to the kitchen. His mother was standing in the open door of the fridge, rifling through its meager contents and he shuffled over to her to bury his face against her back. She paused long enough to look back at him and went back to rummaging through food.

“What’s wrong, Ray?”

Ray groaned pathetically. He didn’t really want to talk about it. He had talked enough to the priest back at that awful cathedral at the Academy and that hadn’t turned out quite like he had hoped. He was done talking about it. Which was unfortunate considering he still had to talk to Gavin. Ray groaned again and pushed against his mother, his forehead pressing against her shoulders.

She took a stumbling step forward before steadying herself. “If it’s too early, go back to bed. You’re no fun when you’re grumpy like this.”

Ray sighed, exhaling every ounce of air from his lungs until he felt like his chest would cave in on itself. He shifted to prop his chin up on his mother’s shoulder and looked at the leftovers in the fridge. Maybe he would eat rice for breakfast.

“Let’s do something today,” He said.

“Something like…?” His mother pulled out the container of rice Ray had been eyeing and shut the fridge close. As she popped off the top and moved to put it in the microwave, Ray kept his chin on her shoulder and scuffled behind her. He watched her set the timer with tired eyes.

“I dunno. Maybe we could go look at the Christmas displays and stuff. That’s something, right?”

 “With all the tourists? It’s the holidays, mijo, everyone will be out.”

She was right. Everyone would be out and about in the city for the next month. That was as good a reason as any to leave the apartment today, Ray decided. “Let’s do it. I mean, when’s the last time we just hung out, right?” Ray stood up straight with a sort of renewed vigor he didn’t know he could possess. Yeah. Yeah that’s what he was going to do today: spend a day out on the town with his mother because that was what good sons did. They spent time with their family and didn’t think about unanswered text messages from boys they wanted to kiss.

The timer on the microwave started beeping. His mother pulled out the bowl and set it on the counter before turning to Ray. “You sure? You usually avoid spending more time outside of your room than necessary.” When he assured her that this was what he wanted to do today, she pouted and pulled him in close with her hands cupping his face. She tugged and squished his cheeks with a look of mock concern, “Do I have the right son? Where’s the surly baby boy who’d rather play video games in his underwear than hang with his mother? Huh?”

Ray pulled away with a giggle and rubbed his face, “C’mon, Mama, I’m not that different.”

“Not different, just growing up I guess. You’ve changed since you started attending that school. I’m proud to watch you grow into such a nice young man.” He hadn’t seen his mother’s eyes light up that bright in a while. Probably because she was always pulling double shifts these days.

Ray swallowed and stared at his feet. He muttered something about getting ready and ducked out of the kitchen as fast as he could. Even in the shower, with the water pounding against his back, Ray couldn’t scrub away the awful feeling of shame.

There was a point in time when he had once felt whole. That point seemed like forever ago, back before Ray had ever met that dumb beautiful boy with the perfect everything. Then Gavin happened and Ray had been split in two: who he was when they were alone and who he was around everyone else.

Now Ray was divided into even more faucets of himself. Between his mother, God, and Gavin himself, Ray was sure to tear; he could already feel his edges splitting and knew he had to do something to fix everything. The easiest way was to break it off with Gavin. Easiest only in that it was the quickest way to quiet Ray’s guilt and mute their secrets. Without Gavin, Ray’s relationship with God would be mended. His relationship with his mother could stay intact. He could continue to be the perfect son with the perfect plan.

Except Ray didn’t know where that would leave him and Gavin. Well, he had an idea of where it would leave them. It was just that, truthfully, he didn’t like to think about it.

When Ray exited the shower, his towel around his waist and his hair dripping wet, his phone was still sitting on his bed with the notification light wistfully blinking up at the ceiling. He flipped it over with a thud and went about getting dressed. He could worry about dumb boys later.

As it turned out, it was hard not to think about boys – specifically the one boy who Ray was most definitely not breaking up with because they weren’t dating in the first place – when Ray and his mother went out on the town. His inner conflict was only furthered, really, and he had no one to blame but himself.

They were wandering through the mall with no destination in mind, just spending time together and admiring all of the holiday decorations. Ray’s mother was chatting away about the new shop girl at the salon on the block. It was making him feel sick.

“She’s really sweet, mijo. About your age and the cutest smile.”

Ray hummed something noncommittal and continued to survey the racks of clothes as they walked through a store. They were passing the perfume counter, his mother still chatting away, when Ray smelled it. The earthy smell of sandalwood made his heart do flips and he couldn’t help but turn to the saleswoman holding a bottle and a handful of cards. He didn’t even realize that he had slowed to a stop until the saleswoman smiled at him with a tilt of her head.

“Hello!” She chirped. “Doing some last minute Christmas shopping?”

Ray pointed at the bottle in her hand. “What’s that?” He hadn’t meant to sound rude, but his mother, who had backtracked when she noticed that he was no longer by her side, popped Ray in the back of the head anyway. He flinched and apologized. “Sorry. What is that? It smells…nice.”

The saleswoman spritzed the bottle’s contents on the card in her hand and held it out to Ray. “It’s one of our new holiday scents. Not the most classic of holiday scents – no peppermint or cinnamon – but I like the earthy fragrance.” Ray took the card and waved it in front of his face. Yeah, he could recognize that smell anywhere. It was like heat and comfort and guilt all wrapped into one. The woman continued her sales pitch. “It’s got a floral heart, but it’s the citrusy top notes that I think really bring the whole woodsy scent together. This masculine cologne makes a perfect gift for a father or husband!” She rattled off terms that Ray had never heard before, but she did it with such excitement and charm that Ray nearly missed her closing line.

“Ah. No, uh,” Ray tried. He couldn’t find the right words because, holy Hell, there was no way this wasn’t going to end awkwardly.

His mother stepped in, plucking the card held loosely between his fingers. She expertly sniffed the cardstock and made a face, “Your father used to wear something similar to this back when we were dating. Well, almost. Not as sweet.” She looked at Ray with an eyebrow raised, “Did you want to get it?”

Ray didn’t know whether to shrug or shake his head because a lot was happening at the moment, so he kind of did both. He was trying to go for the casual approach. Ray wasn’t very good at the casual approach. “I just – it smelled like something Gavin would like. I wasn’t actually thinking of getting it.”

His mother, God bless her soul because she was truly a saint, dug into her purse and pulled out her wallet. “You want to get it for him?”

“Mom, no.”

“It’s a holiday special!” The saleswoman chirruped unhelpfully. “It comes with a free pair of sunglasses!”

His mother flipped her wallet open and began to rifle through the crumpled bills and receipts. “Come on. It’s okay, I promise.”

“Mama, no, you really don’t –”

“Ray.” She cut him off. He knew that tone of voice. It was amazing how his mother could stop a conversation dead in its tracks just by saying his name alone. “We are getting that boy this cologne for Christmas. Let me do this.”

Ray kept his mouth shut this time. The look in his mother’s eyes was something that he knew he wouldn’t be able to argue with. That didn’t mean that he felt any less guilty when the register rang and the saleswoman handed him a bag stuffed full of colorful tissue paper.

As they were leaving the store and heading towards the food court, Ray’s mother looped her arm through his. “Don’t worry, Ray. It’s the least I can do to thank the boy who’s been keeping my baby boy safe.”

Her comforting words didn’t do anything to make Ray feel better.

There was a weird mass caught in his throat, pressed right up against his windpipe, and Ray couldn’t tell if he was going to scream or cry or laugh. So he pulled his mother close and steered them towards a soft pretzel stand.

“Yeah, well your baby boy is hungry, so let’s get something to eat.”

His mother laughed and let Ray pull her through the crowd and towards the stand. Ray cherished that laugh. He never wanted it to stop.

____________________

Christmas was boring. Not in a bad way, in a quiet and intimate way. It was just him and his mother and a measly little tree that rivaled that pathetic twig from that one Charlie Brown Christmas special. It wasn’t that sad looking, really, it was just relatively austere compared to the full, lush, elaborately decorated trees they had seen in store windows. They had opened presents and eaten dinner and watched corny holiday movies until his mother started dozing off. She eventually shuffled off to bed to get some sleep.

Ray was curled up on the couch with only the lights on the tree and the flickering television keeping him company when his phone chimed. He paused the game he had been playing and grabbed his phone. He didn’t even have to look to know who the text was from as he swiped the screen.

_let’s vid chat_

Ray stared at his phone. Leave it to Gavin to want to Skype at ten on frigging Christmas Day.

_jesus can’t i have a sec to hang with my family?_

Not that his mother hadn’t just gone to bed so she could be at work early in the morning. It was the principle of the matter.

Ray’s phone pinged again as Gavin responded with a single sad face emoticon. Ray sighed. He turned off his Xbox and the living room television, getting off of the couch with a groan. He shuffled off to his bedroom to find his laptop. Once he had started it up, he texted Gavin back with an emoticon dick. He could practically hear Gavin’s indignant squawking as his phone immediately chimed with another sad face.

Ray logged into Skype and waited for the incoming call box. He clicked the ‘answer with video’ button when it popped up on the screen.

Gavin’s grainy face was pouting at him. “That was rude, Ray.”

Ray rolled his eyes. “Rude? Rude is bothering me on this international day of rest.” He made a sweeping motion with his arm to emphasize his point.

Gavin snorted and called Ray out on his bullshit. “International day of gluttony and forced family time, more like.”

“No dude, you’ve got that mixed up with Thanksgiving.” Ray settled against his headboard and adjusted his screen so he could better see Gavin’s face. “What do you want anyway?”

“What do I want? You make it sound like I’m a bother.” Gavin’s frown deepened, his mouth exaggeratedly turned down at the corners.

“You are a bother,” Ray shot back with a smile. He missed this. This casual back and forth, ribbing one another with harmless jokes for a few laughs. He was really going to miss this. “You’re the biggest bother I’ve ever met. I don’t even think Winnie the Pooh could deal with you, dude.”

His joke was rewarded with a giggle from Gavin. “So how was your Christmas? Get anything good?”

Ray shrugged. It was just him and his mother this year. It was quiet and boring, but Ray wasn’t complaining. “I mean y’know. Got some stuff. Gave some stuff. Ate. Was merry.” He fiddled with the cord of his earphones. “You?”

It was Gavin’s turn to shrug. He ran a hand through his hair. “It’s been…” Gavin paused and looked up at his ceiling, searching for words he didn’t have. “It’s been stressful mostly. My dad’s been really aggressive lately. Like everything’s an effing manliness pissing contest now. Except he’s stuck with me. It’s weird and annoying.”

Ray tilted his head with a smile. Gavin wasn’t exactly oozing masculinity, he could attest to that, but most days he seemed to be fine with it. “I mean, I guess you aren’t the most macho kid a guy could have. You do shit like scream and squeal and giggle all the fucking time.” Ray joked.

“And I’m gangly. All skin and bones. No muscle,” Gavin shot back with a wide grin.

“You’d rather spend all day being artsy with a camera than play baseball or football or whatever.”

“And I like kissing boys.” The smile that had been warming Ray’s face froze. Gavin didn’t notice, too busy laughing at his own shortcomings. “God, I can’t even imagine his face if I told him all I wanted for Christmas was you wrapped up in a nice red bow. He’d think I was proper mental.”

The cord of Ray’s earphones was still wrapped around his fingers, cutting red strips into his skin. Ray didn’t feel it. He swallowed around the lump in his throat. Now was a bad time to bring this up, he knew that, but Ray was quickly realizing that there would never be a good time to have this conversation.

“Yeah actually, I wanted to talk about that.”

Gavin wiped tears from his eyes before focusing back on Ray. Ray’s breath caught in his throat and he was sure his heart stopped in his chest. This shouldn’t be so hard. This wasn’t breaking up, not technically anyways. They were just going to ease up on the touching and kissing and sex and everything Ray thought he wanted. Because it was the right thing to do. But it felt like the most painful thing in the world to go through with.

“I went to confession before we left for break.” The words were heavy on Ray’s tongue, like his mouth was a tar pit in the dog days of summer.

Gavin tilted his head. “Really? How’d it go? Feel any better?” His voice was gentle and, fuck, Ray was just going to have to dive into this headfirst wasn’t he?

“We should kiss less.”

Gavin’s look of sympathy turned into one of confusion. “What? Why?”

Ray couldn’t look at Gavin’s flickering face. He stared at his hands, still tangled in the black cord of his earphones. “And touch less. We probably shouldn’t have sex anymore either.” Ray couldn’t feel his fingers.

“Surely you’re not serious, Ray. You having a go at me?” Gavin sounded a little exasperated, like Ray was being some dumb overreacting child who was worried about pointless shit. Maybe Ray was worrying about pointless shit. But the question still remained: how was he supposed to tell Gavin that they were breaking up when they weren’t even dating in the first place?

“We can’t do this anymore. We can still be friends maybe, I’d like that, but everything else has to stop.” Ray didn’t dare look up at the screen – he didn’t want to see Gavin’s face when he finally pieced two and two together – so he spun and coiled the black cord around his fingers.

“So let me get this straight,” Gavin spoke slowly and Ray wondered if he even realized the irony of his word choice. “You went to talk to the priest. And now you want to break up.”

Ray’s head snapped up. Against his better judgment, he was staring into Gavin’s face and the words he had been trying to avoid using had been spoken into existence. “Well I wouldn’t use the phrase ‘break up’ exactly, but –”

Gavin cut him off, his voice shrill. “Well you should, because that’s what you’re doing! You’re breaking up with me just because some pleb in a robe told you to!”

And Ray didn’t think that was a fair accusation. If Gavin didn’t want things to turn out this way he shouldn’t have suggested confessing in the first place. He was the one who kept pushing and pushing for Ray to talk to someone time and time again. So when Ray finally caved, it was suddenly his fault? Ray threw his hands in the air, nearly ripping his headphones out of the jack on the side of his laptop. “Well how did you think it was going to go?!”

“Not like this!” Gavin admitted. He rubbed the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes. “Christ, Ray.”

Ray didn’t like the way Gavin said his name just then. It sounded condescending and Ray felt like a little kid being admonished. “This was your idea in the first place!” He shot back. Ray didn’t know if he was talking just about the confession anymore. It was Gavin who initiated the kiss in the pool, who dubbed them ‘Friends Who Kiss’, who made the first move over Thanksgiving. Ray was just tagging along like an oblivious idiot, struggling between his dick and his deliverance. Both could rot in Hell at this point.

“You weren’t supposed to tell him _everything_ , Ray!”

And how was Ray supposed to know that? How was Ray supposed to know anything about anything back when he was drowning in thoughts and feelings he couldn’t name? After confiding his everything in Gavin, literally giving himself in his entirety to this one boy, Ray had assumed that he could trust someone Gavin kept pushing Ray in the direction towards. But Ray was wrong. He was wrong and he had fucked up. Which he should really be getting used to by now.

“Don’t get mad at _me_!” Ray cried, forgetting to mind his tone or worry about thin walls and sleeping mothers. “We weren’t even dating, asshole! We weren’t even – we aren’t even –”

That seemed to stick with Gavin because all of the anger suddenly washed from his face. He stared at Ray for a long time until Ray stopped trying to fumble for words and just stared back. The silence was punctuated by the white noise of static and Gavin looked down at his lap. He rubbed at his nose.

“Well I still got you something. If that even matters.”

That was definitely guilt that was strangling Ray right then. He swallowed around the tightness and said, “Yeah I, uh…I got you something too.”

Gavin looked up. “You got me a Christmas present even though you knew you were breaking up with me?” His voice cracked even though he was smiling. “You dumb idiot.”

No, hold on, this wasn’t right. Ray leaned forward and fought the feeling to grasp his computer screen in both hands. It was like Gavin didn’t even see that Ray was breaking, fast and true, as every foundation, every safety net he had placed had unraveled or torn while he could do nothing but watch. Either Gavin couldn’t see that or Gavin didn’t care.

They were losing something again. But it was different this time. They were losing something bright and sweet and borderline perfect. It seeped from between the cracks of what was left of Ray’s heart, slipping through his fingers and falling out of reach. What was left behind was a great ugly mass that boiled just under his skin.

Ray tried to fix everything. He tried to explain. “Wait, Gav, I didn’t know –”

“See you in January, Ray.” Gavin cut him off. He was still smiling, but his eyes were muted and cold. “Happy New Year and all that.”

And just like that, Gavin was gone and Ray’s Skype contact list was staring him in the face.

____________________


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on March 3, 2014.

The end of break was some weird crummy blur that Ray didn’t quite remember. Even the ride back to campus was foggy. He remembered laughing and cracking jokes with Michael, and remembered waving goodbye to Mrs. Jones as the car disappeared past the Academy gates, but the first real moment of clarity, the moment when Ray came solidly crashing back down to reality, was when he was standing in front of his and Gavin’s room. He ran his thumb over the teeth of the key between his fingers. The plaque that spelled out their room number in embossed lettering stared back at him.

Ray ran his fingers over the numbers as he fiddled with the room key in his other hand. The key clicked comfortably in the lock when he went to open the door. The room was empty.

The overwhelming quiet that blanketed their room didn’t dull the bit of hope trembling in his chest. Gavin had said they were going to be okay in the end and Ray believed him. Ray was optimistic about how things would work out with Gavin, even though he had no real reason to. Not after Christmas.

Ray had given Gavin a good few days to cool off after their heated Skype conversation. He had left Gavin to his own devices, giving them what Ray thought was much needed space. Ray broke their impromptu radio silence on New Year’s Eve. He had never been the most superstitious kid growing up, but something about ending the year with his and Gavin’s friendship in a sort of angry limbo didn’t sit well with him.

Ray would be lying if he said it didn’t also have anything to do with romance and ringing in the New Year with loved ones, but he was getting better at lying these days.

His first text had gone unanswered. As did his second and third. Time passed, the day rolled on and it wasn’t until the sun had dipped below the horizon that Ray realized why his phone hadn’t light up and buzzed with Gavin’s name flashing across the screen.

Gavin was ignoring him. He was still giving Ray the cold shoulder and for some reason Ray hadn’t seen that coming.

Ray didn’t believe it at first – didn’t _want_ to believe it – so he messaged Gavin on AIM. And Skype. And sent a follow up text. Ray had even tried calling, but the only reward he received was a cheery voicemail message. He had hung up before the recording had a chance to finish.

Ray didn’t get up to watch the ball drop that year. He lay on his bed, on top of the covers, and listened to drunken couples trip over their feet as they sang “Auld Lang Syne” off-key on the street below.

Ray stepped into the dorm room and closed the door behind him with a quiet click. He wanted to talk. He wanted to explain to Gavin just what he had meant – what he had wanted – when he said they should stop. He still wanted Gavin. He still wanted Gavin’s presence in his life because he made Ray so _happy_ , but they were going to have to do it on different terms.

Gavin would understand that, right? He’d get it and agree once they talked about it, once Ray got a chance to explain himself, explain everything.

Ray didn’t entertain the thought that maybe Gavin didn’t want to talk, didn’t want an explanation or a heart to heart. He pushed aside the fact that Gavin had most definitely been avoiding Ray and chose instead to unpack his bags.

He pulled out his clothes and shoved them in dresser drawers, threw his shoes in the closet and crammed his remaining items under the bed. It didn’t take much time, Ray never had much stuff, and when he looked at the clock on his phone only twenty minutes had passed.

He wondered when Gavin planned to come back.

As he picked up his presumably empty duffle bag to stuff it under his bed alongside the rest of his things, Ray felt an odd heaviness weighing it down. It wasn’t empty. He stuck his hand in the bag and rifled around until his fingers wrapped around something icy, cold, and hard. He had forgotten about the cologne.

Ray pulled the glass bottle out with a slight frown and it glinted up at him under the lights, the amber liquid inside sloshing around. He sat the cologne on the bed before returning to digging through the bag. He was sure the packaging the fragrance had come with was in there somewhere. He found it after a moment, the tissue paper still intact and the gift bag still glossy and pretty much perfect save for a bent corner.

He put the bottle of cologne in the little bag. He fiddled with the tissue paper and tried to pretty it up as best he could but, although the end result looked decent enough, it wasn’t quite as pristine as when the cashier had first wrapped it with skilled fingers.

Ray put the bag on Gavin’s bed. He took a step back and surveyed his work once again. Gavin’s bed was in disarray; he must not have made it before break. Ray huffed and took the gift off the disheveled covers and tugged at the sheets until they looked presentable. He smoothed them down one last time for good measure and set the colorful bag back on the bed.

Better. Definitely better.

While Ray was admiring his hard work, the room door swung open. For some reason, his heart caught in his throat as he spun around. Gavin stood in the doorway, hair a mess like always and eyes dim.

Everything that Ray had wanted to say, wanted to tell Gavin to justify his actions, died on his tongue right then and there. He wanted to reach out and touch Gavin, run his hands through that wild hair and feel the warmth of Gavin’s face against his palms. Ray’s skin itched, yearned to press up against that beautiful boy who was only a few feet out of reach. He swallowed.

“Hey,” Ray said.

Gavin didn’t say anything. He stared for a moment before he walked across the room, sidestepped Ray, and dropped his backpack on his bed. Ray frowned and turned to watch Gavin’s back as he pulled stuff out of his bag, quiet as the grave. Ray tried again.

“ _Hi_.”

No response. For all his verve and verbosity, Gavin was surprisingly skilled at giving the cold shoulder.

If he were a braver person, Ray would have reached out and touched Gavin. He would have forced him to turn around so they could have a face to face conversation. So they could talk about them, the relationship, everything. So Gavin would just _look_ at him. But Ray was a coward, so he took a step back and gave Gavin a wider berth. He fiddled with the hem of his shirt, ignoring the way something in his chest constricted.

“Gavin?”

Gavin stilled. His shoulders tensed up and he stopped pulling things out of his bag. Ray wasn’t sure how many times his heart beat during the prolonged stillness in the room, but it felt like an eternity had passed before Gavin spoke.

“What’s that?”

Gavin was pointing to the colorful store bag sitting on his bed, festive tissue paper spilling out from the top.

“Oh. Uh,” Ray fumbled to find the right words. This was not the first conversation he had expected to have. “It’s your gift.” Ray wished Gavin would turn around because the back of his head wasn’t expressive in the least. “You know…for Christmas.”

Ray had no clue why he said that. There was literally no need for clarification, of _course_ it was for Christmas.

Gavin snorted. Ray couldn’t tell if Gavin was laughing or scoffing, and he wasn’t sure which option was the worse of the two. Gavin dug into his bag and pulled out a box. It was about the length of his forearm and was wrapped in silver wrapping paper. There was a red bow affixed to the top.

“Here,” Gavin said. “Take it.”

Ray nearly fumbled the box as it was shoved into his hands. Their fingers brushed for a fraction of a second, too short of a time to truly savor the contact.

“It’s your gift. For Christmas.” Gavin was mocking Ray now, but there was no hint of a smile on his face like their usual teasing. “I can’t use them anyway, so keep them. Or don’t. Your choice.”

The box felt heavy in Ray’s hands. He looked down at the gift, all beautifully wrapped and yet to be marred. It looked perfect and Ray didn’t want to ruin that. He had ruined too much already, it seemed. He shook the box once and a heavy thud sounded from inside. Ray looked up at Gavin.

Gavin gave him a wry sort of smile and shook his head like Ray was the most ridiculous person on the planet. He turned back to finish unpacking, leaving Ray with silence and a gift he had yet to open. Ray looked down at the box, his vision blurry and hands sticky against the silver wrapping paper.

This sucked.

Ray made the short journey across the room to sit on his own bed. He pulled off the bright red bow and tore at the taped down edges of the wrapping paper. If Gavin wasn’t going to talk to him, fine, Ray would play along for now. He wasn’t known for his patience, but Ray was willing to give Gavin space until said patience wore thin.

The paper tore away to reveal the top of a black box inscribed with the name of some company Ray dimly recognized. He couldn’t place where he knew the name from and instead of skimming his hand over the shallow grooves of the letters Ray pulled the top off of the box.

It was a pair of shoes. Nestled in the black box and tucked among delicate tissue paper was the nicest pair of dress shoes Ray had ever seen in his life. Something dropped in his gut, something akin to guilt he assumed, and his fingers felt numb. He clumsily pulled away the paper and took out one of the shoes, the right one. They really did look nice. Nicer than his previous pair ruined by pool water, nicer than anything Ray had ever owned in his entire life and he wasn’t sure if that was a flicker of anger he felt licking at the base of his soul.

Gavin was looking at him now. He had the bottle of cologne in one hand and the empty bag in another. He seemed to be analyzing Ray, gauging his reaction, so Ray gingerly placed the shoe back in the box and set the box down on the bed. “Look,” He started with absolutely no clue what he was going to say, what he _could_ say that would get Gavin to look at him with bright eyes again. Ray stood up and wrung his hands. He looked at the floor, then the ceiling, then the door, anywhere that wasn’t Gavin’s face, and the silence that had settled after he spoke was so much more stifling than it had been before.

Ray opened his mouth again but Gavin cut him off. “Did you really mean it?” He shook the bottle with a frown. The fragrance noisily sloshed around inside. Ray pretended not to know what Gavin meant with that question. Maybe they could skip the hard part and jump straight to the part where they laughed this all off and stayed friends and pretended the past few months didn’t happen. But Gavin dropped his hands to his sides and his voice was so small that Ray could practically feel his heart cleave in two. “When you said we should stop, were you serious?”

Yes, Ray was serious. Of course he was serious. He wouldn’t joke about this because he savored what they had too much to break it for the sake of some shitty punch line. His salvation however, his morality and peace of mind, was another story entirely. While he wasn’t one hundred percent sure that it was the best or brightest idea, Ray felt that it was the sensible solution. At least he thought he felt it was the sensible solution. He was getting really bad at doing the right thing these days. It would be easier if he could sort everything in a way that made everyone happy. It would be the easiest if he could reach out and cup Gavin’s face in his hands and pull him close until their foreheads were touching and ask him what to do next.

“We need to talk,” And holy fuck those were the most clichéd words that could have possibly left Ray’s mouth. That was a textbook breakup line and he had used it without a hint of irony. He wanted to take it back, start off with something that sounded less idiotic, but Gavin was already giving him a look that suggested that he had grown another head or something equally as bizarre. Gavin scoffed. Ray tried not to flinch and focused on the stitching in the hem of his shirt.

“It’s a yes or no question, Ray: did you mean it when you said you wanted to end this?”

The way Ray’s fingers twisted in the fabric of his shirt was absolutely fascinating. So much more enjoyable to watch than Gavin’s flushed face and glassy eyes.

“Well yeah, but – ”

“There’s no ‘but’, Ray. There really isn’t.” Gavin’s voice cracked and Ray’s heart followed suit. “If you want to stop, we can. Done. We’re done. Happy now?”

No, Ray wasn’t happy at all. He was the farthest thing from it. Ray couldn’t even remember the last time he was actually happy with his life and it was starting to get irritatingly exhausting. He looked up from his fidgeting to plead with Gavin. “We can totally talk about this! Why don’t you just hear me out-!”

Gavin crossed the room in a few easy strides and pulled Ray into a kiss. It was rough, Ray’s hands were trapped between their bodies, and Gavin’s long fingers gripped bruises into his shoulders.  It only took a moment for Ray’s brain to kick into high gear and his heart to go into overdrive.

This wasn’t a conversation. This wasn’t a conversation at all.

Ray wriggled in Gavin’s grasp. He wanted to get away from the searing feeling of their lips pressed together. Gavin must have gone through some sort of growth spurt over break because he was taller than Ray again. He was stronger too; Ray’s squirming didn’t seem to faze him in the least. Ray whimpered – a small sound that came across more fragile than he intended – and when his lips parted Gavin slipped his tongue inside.

Ray didn’t want this. The way Gavin’s tongue felt as it probed around his mouth made his insides churn. Ray was panicking. He struggled to inhale but a terrible whine fractured in his throat and he just wanted Gavin to stop. He attempted to verbally protest but his words were garbled and Gavin didn’t seem to get the message. So Ray did the only other thing he could think of: he bit Gavin’s tongue. Hard.

Gavin let out a strangled yelp and pulled away, tightening his grip on Ray’s shoulders. He stared at Ray in incredulity and brought a hand to his mouth to check for blood. The heat and pressure of fingers biting into Ray’s skin slid away as Gavin took a step back. His eyes hardened and his expression was stony.

“If you don’t want to be together, then there’s nothing to talk about.”

Well that hardly seemed fair. Ray moved his hands so that they were pressed against Gavin’s chest, poised in case he went in for a kiss again. He could feel the sinewy muscle rise and fall beneath his palms but Ray couldn’t focus on that right now because his hands were too busy shaking. The taste of Gavin in his mouth wasn’t as sweet as he remembered. Ray curled his fingers into the front of Gavin’s shirt and squinted at him in disbelief. “So…you’re not even gonna hear me out?”

Ray had never seen Gavin look so serious before. His gaze was like steel, steady and unyielding. “Not really,” He said, “I don’t really want to listen to your bullshit, Ray.” That stung. Ray didn’t think that what he wanted to say was bullshit. Sure, he didn’t quite know what he wanted to say yet, but it wasn’t bullshit. “I thought we were fine. I thought we were working shit out, but I should have known better.”  Gavin took a step back and ran a hand through his hair. It stuck up at even wilder angles that matched the wild look in his eyes. “I mean, you don’t even want to tell your mum about us. That’s messed up Ray!”

Yeah it was messed up. Ray knew it was messed up. _Ray_ was messed up. He had known for a while that he would do things wrong, going through the motions that others had down to an art in some slipshod rendition that barely passed as adequate, but now something was bubbling within him. Something fiery that tasted of brimstone flicked and flared and Ray’s fingers were tingling and his mind was hazy because Gavin didn’t get it. Gavin didn’t get Ray, didn’t get anything, he _didn’t get it_ and Ray wanted to tell him as much.

Gavin searched for an answer on Ray’s face, his lips pulled in a thin line. Ray didn’t have an answer to give. At least, not one that Gavin wanted to hear.

How could Ray tell Gavin about the creeping fear that gripped his spine and seized his heart whenever he entertained the idea of telling his mother? How could he explain that some days he felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders? That he was bearing the weight of not only his own sins, but his father’s as well?

Ray didn’t know what he’s doing. He didn’t know what to say. He didn’t plan for this, didn’t plan for any of this, and now he was lost. He was so utterly lost and confused and he had no anchor, yet Gavin was making this all out like it was Ray’s fault. Because, apparently, Ray’s fear of what they had was what ruined everything.

Gavin had said everything was going to be okay. He said that they were going to be alright. He lied. He had lied through his teeth and Ray didn’t know if Gavin knew he was lying at the time, but that didn’t matter right now because Ray was angry. He was angry at Gavin’s attempt to pin the blame on him. He was angry that Gavin was content to sit all the culpability on Ray’s chest and walk away while refusing to listen to anything Ray might want to say. Ray was angry because how dare this perfect boy who had caused him so much grief over the past few months leave him adrift in a churning ocean of contrition?

Ray couldn’t articulate the right words or reasons that Gavin wanted to hear. His throat was closing up and his tongue felt as though it would turn to dust at any moment. He couldn’t form an explanation that made sense. Ray wanted to say _something_ , wanted to say so much and more, but the only words that came out were “Fuck you.”

And, to be honest, he was pretty proud that he managed to keep his voice from cracking on that one.

Or at least he was proud up until Gavin’s shoulders dropped and he shot Ray a look so livid that Ray took a cautious step back.

“You know, I was awake then.”

Ray frowned and contemplated whether he should take another step back. “What?”

Gavin’s voice was frigid, but the words held no context for Ray, so Gavin crossed his arms and clarified. “You always wank off to your sleeping roommates, Ray? Or should I be flattered that you found me so lovely?”

Ray felt his heart stutter to a stop and his stomach sank to the floor. Fuck.

 _Fuck_.

He didn’t know what to say. There was nothing he _could_ say. So he stood there and gaped at Gavin’s cold look. “You…” He started to say around the thick lump in his throat. His voice was so much smaller and shakier than he expected. “You knew?”

Gavin almost looked satisfied by Ray’s horror. He tilted his chin up and his next words were spat out with so much venom, Ray was almost sure that they physically stung. “You’re awfully loud when you cum, Ray. Might want to work on that.”

Ray’s whole body went numb. He opened his mouth to say something, but when no words left his lips he closed it with a click of his teeth. Ray didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. But then he realized that there was nothing he could do or say that would remedy the situation in any way, so he simply turned on his toes and left.

He left without a coat, without a scarf or gloves or anything useful against the wintry chill. Gavin didn’t call after him. Didn’t ask Ray to wait or slow down or anything. He didn’t even move from the spot he was rooted to in the middle of the floor.

Not that Ray cared anymore.

As he waited at the elevator and watched the ascending numbers, Ray was disenchanted enough to know not to expect Gavin to come running down the hall, mouth pulled down in that pout Ray had once found adorable as he apologized for being such a dick. He knew not to expect anything from Gavin anymore because Gavin Free and Ray Narvaez Jr had broken up. They were no longer in whatever weird relationship they had going for the past few months. They were no long friends, kissing or otherwise.

The elevator dinged and the door opened. When Ray got outside he headed off in no particular direction without a destination in mind. So of course the place he wound up at was the church. He glared at the front of the building, at the stained glass windows and religious imagery, and entered through the large doors anyway.

It was surprisingly warm inside. The nave was as quiet as ever and Ray wondered how many students had even made it back to campus yet. He picked a pew to lie on and stared at the high vaulted ceilings.

The New Year had started off considerably less promising than the previous one had ended and somehow everything had gone completely and horribly wrong. Even when Ray tried to fix things, tried to put the pieces back the way he found them, everything fit together all wrong. It was like he snapped off parts of things he had no business touching and jagged edges were slicing his fingers as he tried to force them back in place.

Ray attempted to run everything through his head again, tried to figure out where exactly he went wrong, but his brain short circuited around the part where _Gavin knew Ray was jerking off to him in the middle of the night_.

Everything was suddenly cast in a different light. When they danced at Homecoming, had Gavin only agreed to that because he pitied Ray? Their first kiss in the pool that night, Gavin had wanted to talk about something, right? Was it the fact that he listened to Ray’s broken whimpers in the middle of the night as he spilled into his own hand and tried not to cry out Gavin’s name?

A sudden thought struck Ray. It was a terrible thought that made him bolt upright and bury his face in his hands. What if Gavin told everyone? Michael and Lindsay and Barbara and everyone else, what if Gavin dragged Ray’s name through the mud out of sheer bitterness alone? And Ray had to admit that some of his bitterness might have been justified, but that sort of cruelty was excessive.

Wasn’t it?

“Hey, are you even listening to me?”

Ray nearly jumped out of skin and proceeded to instead jump off of the pew and right into the narrow space between the seat and the row in front of him. Half of his vision went blurry and when blinking it away didn’t work, he realized that his glasses were askew on his face. He fixed his frames and looked up into the face of Caleb.

Caleb apologized and ran a hand through his hair. He hadn’t meant to scare Ray, he explained. Ray grunted and struggled to disentangle his limbs enough to stand up. “I called your name like four times, dude. You okay?”

Ray huffed and pulled himself onto the pew. His sight was still a bit lopsided and he took his glasses off to bend the arms into a better position. “What are you doing here?” Ray bypassed Caleb’s question with a question of his own. Spending time with Gavin taught him a thing or two about steering conversations.

Caleb either didn’t seem to notice that he didn’t receive an answer or politely opted not to pry. “Looking for my hat.” Ray turned to look at Caleb and even with his ridiculously shitty vision, he could make out how Caleb’s silhouette was conspicuously missing his trademark cap. “I left it somewhere before break, but I can’t remember where. My bet is one of the nuns tossed it out when I wasn’t paying attention.”

Ray slid his glasses on to his face. They settled comfortably on his nose now. “You only have one hat?”

Caleb shook his head and braced his hands on the back of the pew, “Nah, it was just my favorite. Major loss to my heart, you know? Sentimentality and everything.” He placed a hand over his heart and sighed heavily before he shot Ray a grin. “You ready for a new year?”

Ray lifted and dropped his shoulders in some half-assed attempt at a shrug.

“Come on, you’ve gotta be more excited than that!” Caleb was clearly excited enough for the both of them.

“You’re only freaking out because of your Frisbee thing,” Ray said as he stood up. It was time to leave the dusty old church. Not that he was heading back to the room anytime soon, but the year had just started and he was sure to have his fill of naves and pews and pulpits by the time the school year ended. He headed for the doors and Caleb tagged along.

“Um excuse you, it’s my _Ultimate_ Frisbee thing. Get it right, Ray,” Caleb argued. He fell into step and matched Ray’s stride. “You should stop by and watch us practice sometime!”

Sports weren’t exactly a thing that Ray was into, but spectating was another thing entirely, so Ray agreed to stop by at some point. Placated and satisfied with Ray’s promise, Caleb suggested that they hang out in his room for a while. Michael had left to go find Lindsay almost immediately after getting back and the television and consoles were up for free game.

They spent the rest of the afternoon playing video games and eating stale junk food that had been left behind for a month. The heaviness in Ray’s heart never left and his lips still burned with the harsh kiss Gavin had tried to fix them with, but for a few hours Ray could pretend that everything didn’t suck quite so bad.

Michael showed up after the sun had sunk below the horizon and the temperature had dropped. He had a dreamy look on his face and Ray knew that the redness in his cheeks and lips wasn’t merely the aftereffects of being out in the cold. Michael swiped the bag of chips Ray had perched on his lap and sat down on his bed with a heavy thud.

“’Sup?” Michael said around a mouthful of food. He pulled off his coat and dropped it on the floor. “Gavin back yet? I haven’t seen him around.”

Ray shrugged as he made a noncommittal noise in the back of his throat. “Yeah. Showed up after I did.” He tried to keep it vague and casual. He had already gotten Caleb off his back and hoped that Michael would brush off his apparent apathy under the assumption that Ray was just focusing on the game.

Michael shoved a few more chips in his mouth and rattled the bag around as he chewed. Apparently the bag was empty because he tossed it to one side and leaned back on his elbows as he watched the television screen. “I call winner,” Michael said, “And by ‘winner’ I mean Ray because you’re getting your ass beat right now, Caleb.”

“Shut up, man. I’m trying okay?” Caleb jammed a few buttons but groaned when his half of the screen blacked out anyway. “He’s been schooling me the whole time. Geez, give a guy a chance at least.”

Ray blinked a few times before looking at Caleb. “Sorry,” He said, his words laced with sincerity. He had kind of lost track of his thoughts and forgot that people didn’t find it fun when they lost too many times. He fiddled with the arm of his glasses and glanced from the screen to Caleb, “We could play again…?”

Caleb put down his controller and stood up off the floor with a groan. “Naw man, it’s cool,” He stretched and Ray could hear his joints pop, “I’m gonna go pee. You should play Michael though. Promise to destroy him as bad you beat me?”

Ray smiled and looked over at Michael, who was sucking salt off of his fingertips, “Can do.”

Index finger still in his mouth, Michael protested, “Whoa now. Way to be full of yourself, Ray. Some of us don’t suck as bad as Gayleb over there.”

Caleb kindly invited Michael to go fuck himself, flipping him off with both hands as he headed out the door. With Caleb gone, it was just Ray and Michael sitting on the floor in front of the television, controllers in hand. Ray let Michael pick the map and the match started. They were only running around for a few minutes before Ray’s mind started wandering again.

He wasn’t the greatest at friends. He never had been. Ray could crack jokes and be amiable, but he tended to keep people at a respectable distance. But then Gavin traipsed along and all that changed. With Gavin came Michael, who would go out of his way to help Ray, and Caleb, who always insisted that they hang out. There were more people on the list and Ray realized that he had somehow ended up with a group of friends. Well, a group of friends and one ex-something or other.

He didn’t want to ruin the ideal dynamic a group of friends was supposed to have. He didn’t know how he and Gavin were going to function from here on out now that they weren’t whatever they were so desperately trying to be.

Ray snuck a glance at Michael. His tongue was peeking out from between his lips and the lenses of his glasses reflected the flashing television screen. Michael had helped Ray with his Gavin problem before, and he seemed the least likely to ask questions.

Ray turned his attention back to the game. He wasn’t losing too badly considering how little attention he was giving. “Hey, Michael?” Michael hummed in response, too focused to really use his words. Ray pushed past the feeling of cotton in his mouth and asked, “Can you break up with someone you’re not dating?”

Out of the corner of his eye, Ray could see Michael tilt his head. “Yeah sure. A relationship’s a relationship, right? Might not be a romantic one, but you can still break up with friends, dude.”

It was quiet for a moment and the sound of button mashing was the only noise in the room. Michael had sounded so certain on the matter and Ray wondered if that confidence would waver if he told Michael everything about him and Gavin. “You sure about that?”

“Well yeah! It’s not just girlfriends and boyfriends who break up. Husbands and wives can do it, but it involves a shit-ton more paperwork. You can break up with friends, colleagues, classmates, lab partners, roommates…” Michael trailed off. Ray kept his eyes affixed on the television and when Michael gave him a look, he pretended not to notice. “Why are you asking? Something going on between you and –”

“No,” Ray cut in before Michael could finish, “No. Just…just wondering.” It was a weak attempt at covering his ass and Ray was pretty sure Michael knew it too, but he had the courtesy to play along. They didn’t talk about it after that.

Caleb returned right as they were picking a new map to play and declared that he was going to challenge the winner. When he held out his hand for Michael’s controller, Michael looked offended at the assumption that he lost and told Caleb to back off. It turned out Caleb was a stubborn as Michael was surly and in the end Ray gave up his spot so they could play each other. At least their trash talking was entertaining.

When Ray finally returned to the room it was late. The lights were off and Gavin was in bed asleep. Or at least he was pretending to be asleep, but Ray couldn’t find it in him to care to define the difference. The shoebox was still sitting on top of his covers so Ray picked it up and shoved it in the space under his bed. He undressed, pulling off his pants and shirt, and didn’t bother to put on pajamas before he climbed under his covers. The sheets were cold as they wrapped around Ray’s small frame. He stared at the dark ceiling and listened to Gavin’s steady breathing.

The bed felt awfully empty.

____________________


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Originally posted on tumblr on April 20, 2014.

It was February before long. The weather was still cold and miserable and Ray and Gavin hadn’t spoken to one another in weeks. It was amazing really, how two people who essentially lived together could avoid talking to each other so spectacularly. It was an art, a skill. A skill that Gavin had somehow honed and mastered and wielded so much better than Ray.

It was the beginning of a new semester and he and Gavin only had one class together this time. It was Theology and, even though they could pick where they sat, Gavin opted to sit next to Kerry a good four rows away from Ray. He had strolled right past Ray and the clearly empty seat next to him. Ray had to admit that it sort of stung – Gavin hadn’t even spared a glance his way – but he pretended not to notice.

When Caleb walked by, Ray grabbed his wrist and yanked him down into the empty seat. Caleb landed in the chair with a thud and looked at him wide-eyed and confused, but Ray didn’t say anything aside from “‘Sup?” and flipped to a blank page in his notebook. He could hear Gavin and Kerry giggling about something or other across the room and he swore to himself that it didn’t make his blood boil as he scratched dark shapes on the blank notebook paper.

Ray didn’t remember anything about lecture that day. When there were still twenty minutes left in class Ray realized that he had been staring at the clock for at least ten. He rolled his pen between his fingers, scribbles forgotten on the curling edges of his notebook paper, and blinked the fading number from his vision as he looked over at Caleb. Caleb was diligently watching the teacher pace the room and ramble about faith.

Caleb was a good guy. He would listen to Ray talk about nothing and was always eager to include him in things. He and Michael were alike in that they bothered listening to Ray’s shit and had enough knowledge of social graces to know when to let certain things pass. Ray felt that he could trust them, even if his ability to trust was a little more fragile these days.

No one had treated Ray any differently after his and Gavin’s fallout at the beginning of the year, not Caleb or Michael or anyone else in the haphazard group of people Ray had come to call friends. Ray and Gavin might have been in a silent stalemate, but the only silver lining – if one could even call it that as tenuous and feeble as it was – was that Gavin hadn’t told anyone anything. Or at least Ray assumed Gavin hadn’t because no one had come up to Ray spitting slurs and proclamations of damnation in his face in the past few weeks.

Ray chewed on his bottom lip, picking at the dead skin with his teeth, and turned a few thoughts over in his head. He looked down at his paper, at the chaotic shapes he had carved into the page with dark grooves and a heavy hand. Maybe he had been wrong all those nights ago, when he would touch himself to the rhythm of Gavin’s even breaths. Maybe he had been so wrapped up in his own thoughts and lust that he had crossed a line somewhere. But if Ray had crossed a line, then he and Gavin were doomed to fail anyway. If Gavin had known full well how fucked up Ray was, if he had only agreed to not-date Ray out of some weird joke or pity while fully aware of how pathetic of a person Ray was, then there was no happy ending for them from the start.

Ray didn’t even want a happy ending anymore. Nowadays he just wanted to be happy.

Ray hadn’t been listening to the teacher since the bell rang to signal the beginning of class. He had no clue what they were supposed to be learning about and at the moment he didn’t care. So he cut his losses and figured that this class was as good as wasted already as he scribbled something in an empty space on his paper. He’d pay better attention next time, but for now he had more important things to worry about. He needed a second opinion on something. Ray slid the paper over to Caleb, hoping that he wasn’t wrong about just how open and considerate the kid was.

Caleb took the note when the teacher turned to write something on the board. He flipped it open, his eyes quickly scanning over the words.

_‘is it weird to jerk off to someone without them knowing?’_

Caleb stared at the sheet and Ray stared at Caleb, watching intently as the boy’s ears turned a bright pink. After a few seconds, Ray huffed and motioned for Caleb to return the paper. This was going nowhere. Time to clarify.

Ray took a moment to reread what he first wrote, the tip of his pen clenched tight between his teeth. He couldn’t outright say what he meant by that, but he did feel that there were some specifics that he should probably include. Edited specifics of course.

_‘soooo say ur at a sleepover and its coed cuz why not right_

_there's this chick ur crushing on and while everyone's sleep u rub one out while watching her_

_scale of 1 to restraining order how creepy is that’_

Ray read over what he wrote. That was vague enough, right? It'd have to do for now because he couldn’t think of a better way to word it. He passed the note to Caleb and tried to gauge his expression.

Caleb just sort of stared with a small frown on his face for a time before Ray started to grow impatient. Jesus, he knew the response was a little on the lengthy side but it wasn't like it was a dissertation or something. Ray reached out and prodded his shoulder. Caleb jumped. He looked at Ray with a mix of confusion and disbelief. Ray vaguely gestured in a way that he hoped conveyed the idea that Caleb should hurry up and answer already. Caleb clearly picked his words carefully, writing slowly and deliberately under Ray’s successive messages.

_‘if you want to talk about consent and stuff maybe you should to talk to sister emily’_

Ray narrowed his eyes as he stared at the response Caleb had handed back to him. This was not a helpful answer. Well, it wasn’t the answer Ray wanted at any rate. He felt kind of stupid for bringing it up now. There was pretty much no way to make this sound any less weird and creepy and _weird_ then it was, and Ray guessed that he had the answer to his first question right there. He shouldn’t have said anything. He should have just kept it to himself and let it fester like he did with everything else. So he tried to do what Gavin had taught him to do best: he tried to deflect.

_‘IT’S A HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION CALEB’_

He passed the note back to Caleb and awaited an answer. He was never as good at deflection as Gavin had been. Caleb’s response had been quick and hastily written.

_‘i’m just saying!! this is weirdly specific dude!!!’_

Ray pouted.

_‘yeah well you’re weirdly specific’_

For someone who was suddenly really keen to talk to people about his problems, Ray was absolutely terrible at it. Caleb huffed when he read Ray’s childish response. It wasn’t Ray’s fault that he panicked and resorted to the best deflection technique he knew. Okay so it was definitely 100% his fault, but. Y’know.

Caleb ran a hand through his hair and Ray knew that if he had his hat on, he would have tugged the brim low over his eyes by now. He penned a reply and gave the paper back, this time not pretending to pay attention to lecture and instead staring directly at Ray as he read the near illegible writing on the page.

_‘nice. real nice comeback there._

_wanna tell me what’s going on?’_

Ray could feel Caleb’s gaze boring into the side of his skull, but he resolutely avoided making eye contact. He just folded up the paper, crossed his arms on his desk, and buried his face in his sleeves.

Yes, Ray wanted to tell Caleb what was going on. He wanted to tell him, he really did, but at this point there was so much backstory and shitty decisions and good moments and great moments and terrible moments to slough through and explain that he wasn’t sure how to link words together in a way that made the most sense. No one wanted to listen to a two hundred page prologue to your problems when they asked you “what’s wrong?”. They wanted an easy, succinct recap and Ray couldn’t give them that. He was so out of his depth at this point.

“Narvaez. Denecour,” Apparently Ray’s rather dramatic display of resignation had attracted the attention of the teacher, “Do you two have something you would like to share with the class?”

Ray didn’t bother looking up even though he was being directly addressed so Caleb spoke up for the both of them, “No, we’re good,” Caleb must have shot a glance at Ray’s hunched form because he feebly added, “I think.”

The teacher accepted that as a good enough answer, clearly not actually interested in what Ray and Caleb were doing so long as they knew that their inattention to class was noted. Ray didn’t pay attention to the lecture for the remainder of class, Caleb didn’t push the subject of their notes any further, and Gavin didn’t give Ray so much as a glance when the bell rang and everyone filed out of the classroom.

____________________

This was almost like months ago, Ray thought to himself as he walked to his next class a few days later. This was like the time after the night of their first kiss, when they bypassed each other out of fear and awkward boners. Only now things were different. Really different. Things were more severe, more caustic, and the whole situation had become far more complicated. Ray didn’t like it one bit.

It stung worse when Gavin would purposefully turn around and leave the library if he saw Ray studying at one of the tables. A bitter taste rose in the back of his throat when they passed each other in the halls and Gavin didn’t so much as spare a glance his way. There was even a moment during Theology when Ray was sure that Gavin had been staring right at him, but when Ray smiled, Gavin only blankly stared and didn’t smile back. Ray almost cried out of pure frustration alone and blinked back the hot tears that pricked at his vision.

He was giving Gavin space. He thought that would be the best course of action because maybe that was where he went wrong with his apology the first time, but Ray only had so much patience to spare. And truth be told, he was getting kind of tired of skipping breakfast.

The killer part of all this, the real kicker and not at all hilarious punchline, was that Ray missed Gavin. Truly, honest to God missed the idiot. A lot. Like, _a lot_ a lot. He wasn’t sure what parts of Gavin he missed – his smile, his laugh, his weird sense of humor, the way his body would fit right up against Ray’s like two matching parts of something incredible – but there was a definite Gavin-shaped absence in Ray’s being and he kind of hated both Gavin and himself for it.

They wouldn’t talk when they were in their room, not that they ever spent more than a few minutes in the room together anymore anyway. There were mornings when Ray would wake up to see Gavin’s half-made bed and realize that he crashed at someone else’s room for the night. He was pretty sure half of Gavin’s wardrobe was also missing, most likely stuffed in the closets and drawers of various people around campus.

If Ray had more belongings he would have filled up the empty racks to the brim with clothing he never intended to wear. He would have stuffed the drawers full with useless shit and crammed junk into every empty space to fill up the gaps in his chest.

Ray didn’t know bones could ache before now. There was a type of soreness that permeated him to his core and Ray was tired. He had been tired for a while, but now he was pissed too. A dull heat tugged and flitted around the periphery of that ache and exhaustion and he didn’t really know what to do with the cocktail of regret and anger running through his veins. All Ray knew was that he felt weird and disconnected from reality.

But there were few things as grounding as seeing the object of Ray’s fucked up affections standing in the grassy area in front of one of the classroom buildings and talking to Jack. Talking was an understated way to put it because judging by Gavin’s reddening face and Jack’s stiff posture, they were full blown arguing. This was weird, Ray noted, Gavin and Jack were usually on good terms and in all the months Ray had known both of them, any arguments they had were typically in jest. But here they were, standing in front of the one building where Ray had his next class, causing enough of a scene that other students had to duck and scurry around them to get by.

Ray slowed to a stop and stared at the pair. He adjusted the strap of his bag. He was too far away to really hear what was being said and he wasn’t all that great at reading lips so he didn’t know what they were fighting about. Not that it mattered to Ray. He wasn’t all that interested in their conversation, honest, but if he wanted to get to his next class he was going to have to walk past them and that wasn’t really high on Ray’s list of things he wanted to do today. The mere thought of having to pass them made Ray’s gut bubble and he wondered if there was another way to enter the building.

He didn’t have long to wonder before Kat stomped up to him with Gus in tow. Gus struggled to pull away, “Jesus Christ, Kat, you are not dragging me around campus on a wild goose chase! I can still get one last practice session in before my competition but _no_ we’re going to miss our bus and all your panicking will be for nothing.”

Kat ignored Gus’s pretty valid points and choose instead to stare Ray down. “Have you seen Matt? My interview’s in like an hour and I need him to do something for me.”

Ray looked from the fierce look on Kat’s face to the mildly irritated one shadowing Gus’s. “Um,” Ray didn’t keep tabs on the upperclassman most days. He wasn’t sure why Kat though he’d know where her second-in-command was, “No. Why are you asking me?”

The ferocity in Kat’s expression faded and she gave him a once over before shrugging, “You hang out with the usual suspects. I figured you’d know.”

Gus grumbled something unintelligible and Ray returned Kat’s shrug with a shrug of his own. “No clue. But Jack’s like right there,” He pointed to the bickering couple only a few feet away, “You could ask him...?”

She looked over at Jack and Gavin, noticing them for the first time. “Oh. Yeah. Thanks. Hey, actually,” She turned back to Ray, “Before I forget, can I ask you something?” Ray didn’t get a chance to reply before Kat plowed on, “If we had an end of the year dance that was _like_ Prom but wasn’t _technically_ Prom, you and your friends would show up, right?”

Ray squinted at her. He didn’t have time to mull over an answer before Gus interjected, “She wants to plan an end of the year dance but without all the connotations of Prom to appease the faculty. It’ll literally be like Prom but open to underclassmen too.”

“So it’s like Homecoming?”

Gus rolled his eyes “Sure. If you want, it can be Homecoming 2: Electric Boogaloo. You can call it whatever you want, just say ‘yes’.”

“Uh, yes...?”

Kat nodded once, “Good.” She offered a quick salute to Ray and headed over to Jack, her grip around Gus’s wrist vice-like as she dragged him along.

Ray watched their retreating forms for a second, still faced with a decision to make. He could swallow his fear and pride and walk past Gavin so he could get to class, or he could do the safe and cowardly thing and just walk away.

Ray had always been better at cowardice. He turned around and headed away from the building and, more importantly, away from Gavin. Ray would just skip class today. It couldn’t be considered an irresponsible decision, if he made up for it by studying in the library, right?

Ray didn’t make it to the library; he didn’t even get as far as the cafeteria before Joel strolled up to him with his hands jammed in his pockets. Joel opened his mouth to say hi, but Ray cut him off.

“Don’t,” Ray attempted to sidestep him but Joel placed a strong hand on his shoulder and tried to speak again. Ray gave his hand a rough shove. “Leave me alone,” he spat, his words sharper than he intended. He didn’t mean to come across so aggressive, and maybe part of him did blame Joel and Jack for this mess he currently found himself in, but Ray knew it wasn’t all Joel’s fault. Or Jack’s. Or Gavin’s really (though Ray was pretty confident that he and Gavin could split the blame fifty-fifty these days).

Joel seemed to get the message and dropped his hand to his side. When Ray tried to walk around him a second time, Joel let him pass. Ray didn’t bother saying bye. He didn’t make much progress on getting to the library either because Kara bounded up to him not even five minutes later. She had a lollipop stick peeking from between her lips and was carrying a box in her arms.

“Here,” Kara said as she shoved the box in Ray’s face, “Take this. You like food, right?” The box was filled the brim with of an assortment of candy. Candy Necklaces, Sweethearts, and Skittles practically spilled over the edges in a colorful array and Ray spared a moment to tear his eyes away from the tangible rainbow in his arms to look at the girl offering it to him.

“Yeah, I guess, but why are you giving this to me?” Ray was confused on multiple levels. What was with everybody wanting to talk to him today? Were the planets aligned just right or was God simply having a field day watching Ray squirm and interact with his classmates? He decided to voice his concerns to Kara, considering she was standing right in front of him at the moment, “Why are you even talking to me, right now? You never talk to me without someone else around. Like ever.”

Kara shrugged and pulled the lollipop from her mouth. It was heart-shaped and she swirled her tongue around the edges a few times. The inside of her mouth was bright red.

“Gus and Burnie thought they were being fucking hilarious and sent me candy grams during every class. The Academy doesn’t even _do_ candy grams.” She popped the lollipop back in her mouth and tucked it to one side with her tongue. She continued to speak around the white stick peeking from between her lips, “It’s, like, a super dick move, but also kinda sweet because V-Day last year was _terrible_.”

Ray didn’t know whether he should interrupt her and tell her to get to the point or not. He had honestly forgotten that today was the 14th. It was Valentine’s Day and he hadn’t even noticed.  He looked down at the basket in his hands and plucked a Candy Necklace from its contents. He idly sucked on a section of the necklace and settled for letting Kara continue. Not like he had anything better to do or anywhere else to be at the moment. Except for the library of course. And class. But he had decided on skipping class anyway, hadn’t he?

“Anyway,” Kara said, getting back to the point of her tangent, “I have a shit-ton of sugar I can’t eat by myself and Joel mentioned that you like Smarties and shit so. Here.” She prodded the basket, still brimming with candy, “You want this or not? It’d really help me out if you took it.”

Well, it was free food, Ray thought to himself. And he did love candy. And Kara was offering. And it was free food.

Then Ray heard a voice that brought his train of thought to a halt.

“Hey, cool, free food,” Joel said as he strolled up to Ray for the second time that day and wasn’t that just perfect timing on his part? Ray ignored the fact that he already told Joel to leave him alone and turned to the upperclassman with an accusatory look.

“Did you tell Kara to give this to me?” The Candy Necklace still clenched between his teeth really put a damper on the whole ‘intimidating accusation’ vibe Ray was hoping to get across.

This was apparent by the fact that Joel was in no way intimidated as he feigned innocence to Ray’s accusation. “ _What_? Nooooo...” He ran a hand through his hair and it stood up on end, giving Joel an appearance similar to that of a mad scientist, “What would I do that for?”

Ray had no clue what Joel would do that for and Kara didn’t seem to care. She twirled an errant strand of hair around her finger, the white stick of her lollipop dipping and bobbing between her lips as she spoke, “Whatever. You’re still going into town with us before Spring Break, right, Joel?”

Joel had moved to rifling through the candy-filled basket and no matter which way Ray positioned the box, he couldn’t keep the candy out of Joel’s reach. Their height difference did not work in Ray’s favor; height differences rarely ever did.

“Now, see, here’s the thing,” Joel said as he swiped a bag of holiday-themed M&Ms, “I’m not going to that bar the guys were talking about. There’s a house party a few blocks down that’s supposed to be really cool. So that’s what I’m doing.”

Kara visibly perked up at that bit of news, “Really?! Can I come?”

Ray had no idea what they were talking about. He watched Joel tear open the bag of M&Ms and pour out a handful of the pink and white candies.

“Yeah sure. Just...don’t embarrass me or anything.”

Joel popped the chocolate in his mouth and Kara’s expression soured, “Oh fuck you. I’m not the embarrassing one here, Joel.”

Joel thoughtfully crunched on his pilfered prize. He rattled the bag of M&Ms and peered inside to assess how much he had left before he gave Kara a deadpan look. “To clarify: I’m going to need you to not fuck anyone there.”

Kara gasped, completely offended, and flipped Joel the bird. Ray took that as his cue to leave. He was feeling a bit like a third wheel anyway. He noticed the fleeting look Joel gave him as he walked away, but it was a look that Ray couldn’t read because he didn’t know why Joel wouldn’t leave him alone in the first place.

And who was Joel to tell people that he liked candy and food? What kind of asshole stuck his nose in places where it didn’t belong? Ray and Gavin had already broken up. They’d already stopped what Joel and Jack had caught them doing and wasn’t that what the upperclassmen had wanted? What more could Joel possibly want from him? What more could Ray do?

____________________

It was Saturday when Ray was on his way to the café to grab a bite to eat and ran into Michael. Michael’s eyes lit up, his cheeks were flushed a shade of red that clashed with his hair, and he placed his hands on Ray’s shoulders.

“Dude. I need your help,” he said as a relieved smile broke across his face, “I can’t find Gavin anywhere, which is weird ‘cause he’s been hovering around me all week. He’s probably off bugging Geoff or something, but, whatever, this works out better for me. Can you do something for me?”

Ray mulled over his options. It was Michael after all. The guy hadn’t steered him wrong before now and he didn’t seem like to type to drag Ray into something totally ridiculous and anymore illegal than their usual illicit activities. His pause was duly noted by Michael, who pulled his lips in a pout for added effect to his plea. Ray shrugged, the slight weight of Michael’s fingers shifting over his shoulders, “Yeah sure, I guess. What do you need?”

The smile was back, easy and grateful, and Michael moved so that he had one arm slung over Ray’s shoulders, “Run lines with me. I’m trying out for the spring musical and I got a callback for the lead. I need to run lines with someone, but Lindsay’s busy with being athletic or some shit,” He gave Ray a gentle shake, “Help?”

Oh.

“I should warn you that my acting’s shit, dude.” Ray wasn’t the best at the whole “creativity” thing and definitely not the whole “performing-in-front-of-other-people” thing. But it technically wasn’t people, he supposed, it was just one person: Michael. And Michael wouldn’t be a total dick about Ray’s inability to act, right? “Shouldn’t you ask Ryan to do this?”

It was a valid question, Ryan was the one who spent the most time with the theater department. Surely he was far more qualified for this sort of thing. Michael scratched the back of his head with a slight frown, “Well, I was going to, but Jack said Ryan’s busy and suggested that I ask you or Gav. So how ‘bout it, huh? Huuuuuh?” Michael dropped his hand from his curls and prodded Ray in the side. Ray bit back a smile and a giggle, “You gonna help me or what, Rayray?”

Ray swatted Michael’s hands away and wriggled out of his grasp. He adjusted his backpack with a smirk, “Fine, I’ll help you, asshole. You’re buying me lunch as payback though. I was heading to the caf before you ambushed me, y’know.”

Michael rolled his eyes, “Yeah whatever, princess. You want only green M&Ms while I’m at it?”

Ray crossed his arms and tapped a finger to his chin. Looking skyward, he hummed thoughtfully, “Now that you mention it…” He didn’t get a chance to finish before Michael laughed and called him a prick, shoving him roughly. Ray broke character and laughed, “You asked, dude!”

“I was joking, you dick,” A grin still alight on his face, Michael put his hands in his pockets and headed towards the cafeteria. “Now come on, let’s get some food in you before you pass out. You’re useless to me when you’re hungry.”

By the time Ray and Michael made it back to Michael and Caleb’s room they had a sizeable haul of food between the two of them. Michael dropped his armful of snacks on his bed and threw his backpack right on top. Ray deposited his own pile next to Michael’s and sat on the little remaining space left on the bed. He opened a bag of chips and stuffed a few in his mouth.

“So here’s the deal,” Michael started as he unzipped his bag and rummaged through its contents, “We’ve got to perform a specific scene from the play and I think I’ve got it down, but you can never be too prepared, right?” Ray nodded, mouth full of potatoes and salt. Then Michael shoved a playbook in Ray’s face, flipped open to a particular page that was littered with highlighted passages and notes in the margins, “Hope you know how to read, dude.”

Ray rolled his eyes and sucked salt off of his fingers before taking the book. He had to hold the book closer to his face to read some of the words and there was a fleeting thought about how he should probably tell his mother he needed new glasses. His eyesight was shit, it always had been. Gavin had once made a joke about it before he tried on Ray’s glasses. He had looked nice with the thick frames perched on that ridiculous nose of his and when Ray had told him as much, he had waggled his eyebrows and made a joke about obscure kinks.

But none of that was important right now.

Ray skimmed over the lines marked with bright pink ink. Seemed easy enough, Ray thought as he swallowed down the mouthful of chips. Michael was good company, easy to have conversations with, and even if Ray did stumble through this and a few jokes were thrown his way for it, it was all in good fun.

It was when they were an hour into running lines, with Ray fumbling through his parts even though he wasn’t the one auditioning, when Michael mentioned Spring Break.

“You’re going into town with us, right?”

Ray looked at the script in front of him with a frown. He looked up at Michael, eyes clouded with confusion, “That’s not the next line, man.”

“No, no I’m asking you a legit question. You going barhopping or are you more of a house party sort of guy?”

“What are you talking about?”

Michael looked taken aback but smiled good-naturedly, like Ray was telling a joke, “Spring Break, Ray. I’m talking about what we’re doing the weekend before Spring Break.”

Ray was still confused. He didn’t know what Michael was talking about because the last time he had heard Spring Break mentioned, Kara and Joel were arguing about house parties and banging random dudes and they clearly weren’t talking to him. The longer he stayed quiet and stared at Michael with a blank look, the more Michael seemed to realize that he was completely in the dark about whatever direction their conversation had taken. The humor in his face ebbed away and Ray could have sworn that that was concern that flitted across his features for a brief moment.

“The college kids in town lose their shit starting that weekend. It happens every year, man. Plus there’s a bar opening that weekend and some of the guys wanted to get fake IDs and sneak in,” Michael sat down on the bed next to Ray, the mattress bouncing and squeaking in protest. He grabbed a Red Bull that was rolling across his sheets and popped it open with a hiss and fizz, “The rest of us are doing our own thing. House parties don’t card and if you pretend to know someone there you’re pretty much guaranteed to get free booze.”

Michael took a sip and Ray didn’t miss the way Michael watched him out of the corner of his eye. Ray nodded slowly and looked down at the playbook in his hands. This was the first time he was hearing this, the first time someone was explicitly telling him about these plans. Ray wasn’t an idiot. He knew why. He knew exactly why he was left out of the loop. He had broken up with his main contact. The person who was his vital point of communication with the rest of the world within the Academy.

What Michael said next only confirmed Ray’s train of thought.

“I thought you knew about this. Figured you’d be the first person Gavin’d run to. It was his and Geoff’s idea like forever ago. Didn’t he tell you?”

Ray folded the corner of the script’s page flat. He was kind of angry right then. He unfolded the corner of the page. He waited for his anger to abate because not only did he not know who he was angry at in that moment, but anger didn’t solve anything. Ray folded the paper down and flipped it open again. Anger only corroded at relationships until one of you couldn’t take it anymore and just walked out the front door and never came back. Ray didn’t want to hold on to his anger. It was eating him up inside and he was afraid he would start falling apart faster than before.

“No. He didn’t,” Ray looked at Michael and hoped that he had schooled his face into something resembling indifference, “He mentioned it forever ago, but…y’know. Gavin.”

Ray didn’t know what he meant by that. It just sort of came out of his mouth and he really wished they could go back to running lines now. Michael looked like he wanted to say something more on the matter and for a moment Ray was sure he was going to. Instead, Michael reclined so his back was propped up against the wall beside his bed and his feet were dangling off the edge.

“So are you going?” He asked before taking a swing of Red Bull.

Ray was lonely. He was really fucking lonely. Without Gavin dragging him from point A to point B, Ray found out he was kind of aimless. It was pathetic and he knew it, but it was true. Gavin was a driving force is Ray’s life here at this school and now Ray was left alone with no drive, no force, and no direction.

Well fuck lonely, Ray thought. Fuck lonely and fuck moping around, because he was somebody before he met Gavin Free and he could be somebody after.

“Yeah,” Ray said as he looked back at Michael with a small smile, “Hell yeah, I’m going.”

____________________

Choosing to study in the library was a terrible idea. Ray wasn’t getting much studying done even with his notes and textbooks splayed out on the table in from of him. Today was a bad mental day.

He had been doing a good job of hanging out with other people the past few weeks, of forgetting about what he and Gavin were pretending they never had. Ray wasn’t even sure if he would ever approach Gavin about getting back together again; what they had now seemed to be working out just fine. Ray had friends now. Sure they had been friends before, but now Ray didn’t feel like a tagalong or third wheel when they hung out. No one said anything when he would show up places without Gavin and Ray was pretty sure it liked it that way.

But today was a bad day. He felt flyaway, untethered. His head was full of fog and he couldn’t wrap his mind around a lot of things today.  So Ray continued to sit in the library and stare at a wall with his homework laid out in front of him.

He didn’t notice when Joel walked in, but he was suddenly very aware that someone was hovering right by his table and staring at him. Ray looked away from the wall and his eyes refocused on the wild hair and gaunt face of the one upperclassman who seemed to be following him around all month. It had happened a number of times before, Joel seemed to go out of his way to sit or stand by Ray. They had even walked to class a few times together even though Ray was positive that Joel’s class wasn’t even in the same building. Ray looked him over from head to toe and Joel sort of half smiled in return.

Ray turned back to stare at the wall.

He noticed when Gavin walked in. He didn’t mean to, and Joel was still hovering next to his table, but Ray’s eyes flickered towards the entrance of the library anyway. There was a single, sharp, terrible moment as they made eye contact.

Gavin’s face didn’t change. He didn’t blink or smile or frown or anything, he merely turned around and walked right back out of the library. Ray pretended he didn’t notice, pretended he didn’t care, and looked down at the table. When had he even opened his Bible?

He could still feel Joel’s eyes on him watching, analyzing. It was starting to get unnerving. Ray huffed. “Are you going to sit down or what,” he muttered to the thin pages of his Bible.

Joel sat down in the chair next to him and didn’t say a word. Ray was grateful for the silence. They sat there in that prolonged silence while Ray tried to memorize verses for Bible study. Time passed. How much time, Ray wasn’t sure, but he had read the same page four times and hadn’t retained a single word of it. Joel must have noticed the lack of page turning on Ray’s part.

He ducked down and, with his mouth close to the shell of Ray’s ear and his breath hot on Ray’s skin, he gave Ray a way out, “You wanna go somewhere?” He voice was low and the ever-present energy that seemed to run through Joel’s veins laced his words, “Do something else?”

Joel leaned back and Ray’s eyes darted to search his face. Ray wasn’t sure what he was looking for, but all he found was anticipation and a wearied sort of sadness. It was the kind of look he had seen on his mother’s face before. The one he had seen mar his middle school teacher’s features when he told her he couldn’t attend the father son dance. It was the look he had seen Jack give him and Gavin when he thought they weren’t looking.

It was pity. It was a look of pity and Ray had learned to hate that look, but today he found he didn’t particularly care.

Joel tapped the neglected Bible that had been open to the same page for what had to be the better part of an hour, “Not getting much done here, are you?”

Pity or not, Joel had a point. Ray wasn’t getting shit done today and if Joel had a better way to pass the time, he was all for it.

They ended up smoking a bowl in Joel and Jack’s room. It should have been predictable really, but Ray was still caught a little off guard when Joel pulled out a pipe and baggie from the space between his mattress and the box-spring.

Ray didn’t really remember how they got to the room. The path they had taken was fuzzy in his mind as he had been more preoccupied with trying to pin down fleeting thoughts filling his brain. To be completely, candidly honest, Ray didn’t remember much at that point. Nor did he care to remember after Joel had packed the bowl and let him take the first hit. All Ray knew was that it was three in the afternoon and the smoke rolling in his mouth tasted like Gavin.

Joel lit incense and opened a window while Ray sat down on the beanbag on the floor. Joel took a seat on a bed and when he motioned for Ray to pass the pipe, Ray obliged. It wasn’t until Joel took a hit and let the smoke settle on his tongue for a bit that he exhaled and said anything since they had left the library.

“You okay?”

Ray let his head loll to the side and looked at Joel sitting cross-legged on the bed. He hummed in the affirmative at the question, not bothering to use words. He wasn’t in a very talkative mood today. Complete sentences weren’t appealing at the moment.

Even with the lack of words, Joel sensed that Ray was phoning it in. He wanted a direct answer, a genuine response, but he wasn’t going to press Ray too aggressively for it. Joel passed Ray the lighter and pipe and looked away as Ray took another hit.

“You sure you okay?” Joel asked, staring at invisible shapes on the ceiling.

Ray let smoke spill from his lips in lazy tendrils. He watched the coils billow and expand before he exhaled all at once in a great white cloud, “Is that why you and Jack have been hovering?”

It wasn’t like Ray hadn’t noticed. When Gavin wasn’t hanging around Michael or Lindsay or clinging to Geoff, Ray had seen Gavin with Jack on multiple occasions. Gavin rarely ever looked happy about it and Ray had notice that same look of pity or whatever you wanted to call in on Jack’s face.

Joel didn’t answer, just took another hit and held it for a bit. When he exhaled, white ringlets unfurled in graceful arcs and Ray watched them wheel towards the ceiling to join the shapes that weren’t there.

Time trudged by and the sun moved across the sky. Ray’s head hadn’t gotten any clearer, but if he was being honest with himself (which was a thing he found himself contemplating about a lot lately), getting high wasn’t particularly helpful if clearing your head was the end goal. At least the room around him and the smoke leaving his lips looked the way the space between his ears felt.

Ray stood up. He had to pee. He looked over at Joel, who had reclined on the bed and was still staring at the ceiling. Had they been having a conversation a moment ago? Something about capitalism and conspiracy theories? Whatever it was must not have been that interesting. Or important.

“I’m gonna take a piss,” Ray said.

Joel raised an arm and sort of half waved before letting it plop down beside him. “Cool,” he mumbled, “Have fun.”

After taking care of business (and nearly missing the mark a few times in the process), Ray caught his reflection in the mirror. His edges were fuzzy, but as he slowly approached the sink he came into a bleary sort of focus.

Ray stared at himself in the mirror as he washed his hands – bloodshot eyes and disheveled hair and blotchy face – and he tried to tell himself that he was beautiful. Because at one point Gavin saw something in him, something great and perfect, and Ray wanted to know what that something was.

“You’re perfect,” His voice was so quiet it didn’t even bounce off the tiles, it absorbed into the walls and Ray tried again because it didn’t sound convincing enough that first time. “You’re perfect, Ray. Fucking perfect.”

But the words didn’t sound true coming out of his mouth. They didn’t sound right without Gavin’s lips wrapped around the consonants and his tongue running delicate lines over the vowels. It sounded wrong. Terrible and wrong.

“Fuck,” Ray said to his reflection in the mirror. The water was too hot and had been running over his hands too long so that they were red and numb. “You’re a sack of shit, you know that? God, you suck.”

And, for some reason, those words seemed to ring a little more true.

Ray slammed open the door when he reentered the room and Joel’s eyes slid over to look at him. He walked across the room and plucked the bowl and lighter out of Joel’s loose grip. He took one last hit and tossed the paraphernalia back at Joel before grabbing a hoodie slung over the back of a chair, “Isn’t the Ultimate Frisbee team practicing right now?”

Joel took a deep breath. He exhaled slowly and Ray felt like the world was moving in slow motion. “Fuck if I know,” Joel finally said, “Why would I know that? Do I look like the type of person who’d know that?”

“Come on. We’re going.”

“Why?”

Ray didn’t have a good reason as to why he wanted to go the field and watch his friends throw around a plastic disc, but he had to get out of the dorms, out of his head, and that seemed like a good first place to go. So he slipped on the hoodie and headed out the door, not bothering to look back to check if Joel was following him. It wasn’t until they had walked for a good ten minutes in the cold that Ray realized that the hoodie he had swiped was several sizes too big for him.

“This isn’t mine,” Ray said, raising the sleeves up to his face as he walked down the gravely path. The fabric hung off the tips of his fingers and flopped about in the wind.

“No, it’s mine. You just picked it up and left and I didn’t feel like saying anything.”

“This is too big for you.”

Ray’s verbal filter sucked when he was high. He kind of knew that, but it wasn’t important right now. What was important was that he was walking across campus in nearly freezing weather in a hoodie that was too big to be his or Joel’s.

“I like the way it fits, thank you very much. I’ll take it back if you don’t want it.”

“It’s too fucking big for you,” Ray repeated as he shook his arms and watched the sleeves fling back and forth. He giggled and almost fell off of the curb, “It’d fit Jack or Burnie maybe, but it’s too big for you, dude.”

“Give it back if you don’t want it then,” Joel huffed and Ray’s drug addled mind almost registered how miffed he sounded.

Ray squeaked and pulled the hood over his head. He couldn’t see anything, but his ears weren’t as cold anymore and the inside of the hood smelled familiar. Like woodsy and flowery at the same time. Ray couldn’t place the smell but it didn’t matter because it wasn’t sandalwood and sweet grass. “Nah. I’ma keep it. S’nice.”

Joel pulled the dangling strings of the hoodie so that the hood closed and doused Ray in darkness. He told Ray that he could keep it, but only for the night. He wanted it back before sunrise. Ray would have made a joke about Cinderella but he tripped on his own shoelaces because he forgot to tie them and fell face first in the dirt.

When they got to the field, both of Ray’s hands were scraped and bleeding and Joel was giving him a piggy back ride. Michael was sitting on the bleachers alternating between watching Lindsay play and reviewing his lines for the musical. Ray had meant to congratulate him when he learned he had gotten the part. He was pretty sure he had congratulated the guy anyway.

Ray couldn’t remember.

Ray was a mess.

Joel dropped Ray down right next to Michael. He didn’t bother sticking around and instead headed over to Kerry and Miles who were sitting a few seats down. Ray leaned heavily against Michael’s shoulder and turned his hands over so that his palms faced up.

“I fell, Michael,” he said with a pout, “It hurt.” Michael rolled his shoulder and tried to push Ray off, but his warmth was entirely too comfortable for Ray to let that happen. He placed all of his weight against Michael and blearily watched the field as Caleb made a pretty sweet pass to Barbara. “It still hurts, Michael.”

There must have been something in the way Ray said that because Michael stopped squirming and resigned to being a human pillow. He snapped the libretto closed and sighed. “It’ll hurt for a while, dude. But shit heals, y’know? Always does.”

Ray didn’t know if Michael was talking about his hands or something else entirely so he settled for not saying anything.  His stomach gurgled and he wondered how long he had before his high was really truly gone.

“I’m hungry.”

“You’re high.”

Ray was a lot of things, he was beginning to realize. He couldn’t name a lot of them and he didn’t want to face a lot of the others so he just pushed himself off of Michael and lay down on his other side. The icy touch of the bleacher sunk into his cheek and he watched the team practice for a while before turning over on his back.

The late afternoon sky was changing color. Bleeding swaths of pigment stared down at Ray and threated to swallow him whole. He was sure he would float away at any moment, simply drift off into that wide expanse of reds and purples, but that would have been too easy. Life didn’t like to come easy to Ray and he had to admit that it was probably his fault.

“I’m a sack of shit,” Ray said. He was talking to himself, but saying it aloud seemed necessary, dire almost, “I’m a perfectly creepy sack of shit.”

Michael looked over at Ray with a raised eyebrow. He was waiting for an explanation but Ray wasn’t willing to give one, so Michael refocused his attention on the field. He rested one hand on Ray’s knee and the heat of his touch seeped into Ray’s worn bones as he continued to stare at the sky awash with tinctures he’d never seen before. Ray wanted to leave. He wanted to go home.

Spring Break couldn’t arrive fast enough.

____________________


	14. Chapter 14

Ray should have known that tonight was going to be ridiculous when Caleb showed up at his door smelling like cheap cologne and even cheaper beer. He fiddled with the top button of his shirt as Caleb leaned against the doorway. Ray had tried on several outfits, but none of them looked quite right. He didn’t used to be this particular about his wardrobe.

Caleb waved his phone in Ray’s face. He looked two parts amused and one part exasperated.

“Mind telling me why you sent me four different pics of you in various outfits?”

Ray shrugged and dropped his hands to his sides. He had put on an impromptu fashion show while he struggled to figure out what to wear tonight. Caleb was the poor soul who had been unfortunate enough to be chosen to be the audience for said fashion show.

“I needed a second opinion. My bad.”

Caleb took a moment to look Ray over. Ray tugged at the sleeves of his shirt. He felt a little self-conscious as Caleb gave him a once over, eyes scanning Ray from head to toe. It was kind of dumb how much effort he was putting into his looks. It wasn’t like he had anyone to dress up for.

Once he was done with his assessment, Caleb nodded in approval, “You look fine to me. You sure you’re not just dicking around ‘cause you don’t want to go or something?”

Ray made a face. He waved off the question as casually as he could which, granted, wasn’t that casual at all.

“What? No…”

It wasn’t that Ray didn’t want to go, he just didn’t really know what to expect. He wasn’t usually a risk-taker. Hell, Ray wasn’t really the type of person who went to parties until recently either. That was more of Gavin’s thing. Gavin was the one who dragged him to places he didn’t want to be with people he didn’t know.

Ray ran a hand through his hair and tried to reattempt his answer, “Well, not exactly?” He tried. Caleb gave him a level stare. Ray sighed. “It’s not that I don’t wanna go, I just…I’m overthinking it, I guess. You don’t think this is over the top? Like, this isn’t going to blow up in our faces?”

Caleb rolled his eyes as he pushed past Ray and stumbled into the room. “God, did you always worry this much? Everything’s going to be fine, dude.” He made a wobbly beeline towards the closet and began to rifle through its contents. His voice was muffled by the clothes as he spoke, “I’ve got the team, Michael scored the lead in the spring musical, Kat nailed her internship, and Gus placed in his competition. Geoff really wants tonight to be ridiculous. Y’know, have a shit ton of fun before all the senior year bullshit starts.”

He stepped out of the closet with a pair of shoes. Ray recognized them. They weren’t his, but he wasn’t about to tell Caleb that.

“Nothing terrible’s gonna happen. Tonight’s going to be fun. Pure, hardcore fun.”

Caleb shoved the shoes into Ray’s hands. Ray already knew that the shoes would be too big, formed to fit an entirely different pair of feet. He accepted them anyway. There was no point in arguing with people who were well on their way to being drunk.

“It’s like a celebration,” Caleb said as he fixed Ray’s collar. His words weren’t terribly slurred, but his breath smelled faintly of alcohol. “Everybody is doing really cool stuff this semester and it’s Spring Break next week. Don’t think so much tonight. Let’s just go have fun.”

He finished fiddling with Ray’s clothes and nodded at his handiwork, satisfied with his preening. Ray slipped on the shoes he was handed. Don’t think so much? It didn’t really sound like the best advice, but Ray supposed he could try it for one night. He could be impulsive and spend less time ruminating on things instead of doing them. He wiggled his toes in the extra space in Gavin’s shoes.

“Fun. Right. I can do that,” he said.

Caleb grinned, “Good.” He grabbed Ray by the wrist and tugged him towards the door, “Now let’s go.”

As they walked down the hall and towards the elevator, Ray fidgeted with his buttons one last time. He smoothed down his shirt. Caleb hummed the tune to some pop song Ray vaguely recognized.

“You smoking tonight?” Caleb asked as he pressed the button to call the elevator.

Ray hummed in the back of his throat while he mulled over the question. He hadn’t really thought about it. He assumed there would be drinking, and while that didn’t interest him, smoking was a different story. He did tell Caleb that he would have fun tonight.

“Didn’t plan on it,” Ray finally said as the elevator dinged and the doors slid open, “But you only live once, I guess.”

Caleb laughed as they got on the elevator, “That’s the spirit.”

____________________

Ray had never been to a club before. Never in his fifteen years had he ever thought that clubbing would be something that he’d end up doing. Ray didn’t really think about how they were going to get into an establishment that was for people 21 and older. They were a group of teenagers. They _looked_ like a group of teenagers. But Ray wasn’t in charge of this excursion, so he didn’t ask questions.

As it turned out, there was a lot of deception involved when it came to sneaking into a club. From fake IDs to heavy flirting to slipping in through back doors and bathroom windows, the whole experience had a “secret agent” vibe. They were like spies. Spies who wanted to dance and get wasted. So when Ray found himself standing on the outskirts of the dance floor, the smell of alcohol and sweat heavy in the air, he couldn’t help but take a moment to marvel at how ridiculous his life had become over the past few months.

The music, a pop song with a thumping beat, vibrated in his chest. The lighting was dim with flashing colors that would briefly and rhythmically light up the dance floor. The dance floor itself was overrun with people, bodies slick and sweaty as they rubbed against each other. Ray found the whole thing entrancing. Loud and stressful, yeah, but fascinating as anything.

“Hey! You gonna dance or what?”

Something wet splashed on Ray’s shoulder as someone bumped into him. It was Barbara. She was holding a glass of what looked like cola. She gestured to the undulating wave of people on the dance floor sending more of her drink sloshing over the sides of her glass.

“Where’d you even get that?” Ray asked, completely forgetting to answer her question. He pointed at the drink in her hand hoping that at least his quizzical look conveyed his confusion over the deafening music and thunderous beats.

Barbara put the straw of the drink between her lips and took a sip while she waggled her eyebrows at Ray. She finished drinking and smacked her lips exaggeratedly.

“The result of some good old fashioned flirting. Bat your eyes and giggle. Pretty much guaranteed to get a rum and coke out of it.” She playfully bumped her hip against Ray’s, “So, you gonna dance?”

Ray fiddled with the sleeves of his shirt. He shot a glance at the dance floor. It seemed a lot less entrancing and a lot more daunting when he thought about going out there and dancing. He chewed on his bottom lip as he shook his head.

“Nah,” He tried to ignore the way Barbara deflated at his answer, “I’m, uh, – I’m not drunk enough for this.”

He really wasn’t. He was hyperaware of his every movement, every action, and he felt really out of place. Sure, everyone in the place was probably intoxicated in some way shape or form and yeah, no one probably cared was some scrawny kid did in a place like this, but Ray still felt anxious. Barbara understood this to an extent as she shoved her half-finished rum and Coke in his face. She pressed the rim of the glass to his lips.

“Here! This’ll help! Drink up!” Her eyes were glassy and her smile was too wide to be clear-headed. Ray wondered how much she had before they had even taken the bus into town. He wondered how he didn’t notice how drunk she was before now. He pushed the glass away with a good-natured smile.

“I don’t drink, remember?”

Barbara blinked owlishly at him, her mouth forming into a small “o” shape. She nodded slowly as she moved the glass away from his face and sipped on it herself. They stood there for a while. Barbara sucked down her free drink courtesy of some pervy asshole while Ray just awkwardly looked around. When Barbara finished her drink, she slammed it down on an empty table that was covered in trash.

“How’s this then?” She grabbed Ray’s wrist and dragged him towards the people dancing in the middle of the room, “Dance with me! Just once!”

Barbara’s smile was blinding in the dim club lighting. Brilliant smiles or not, Ray still wasn’t keen on dancing. He didn’t drink, he hadn’t smoked yet tonight, and he was far too sober for this.

Rubber soles sliding on an alcohol soaked floor, Ray tried to dig his heels in and protest, but Barbara was having none of that. She had a surprisingly strong grip for a girl her size. Ray was saved from having to dance on a crowded dance floor by a knight in shining armor. “Knight” of course being Lindsay and “shining armor” being more of a pencil skirt and flowy blouse than anything forged over an open flame.

Lindsay placed a firm hand on Ray’s shoulder, “I’ve got this.”

Ray gave her a grateful look and mouthed his thanks. Lindsay giggled. With a steady hand, she steered him in the direction of a wall decorated with flickering neon bulbs.

“Michael’s taking a piss right now. Mind telling him where I am?”

Ray nodded numbly. As he headed towards the restrooms, Barbara’s shrill giggles and the thumping house beat faded into background noise. He nearly tripped over his own feet as he stumbled out of the throng of dancing people. True to Lindsay’s words, a bathroom sign outlined with neon bulbs flickered from a grimy wall.

The restroom door was hot and sticky when Ray pushed it open. He tried not to think too hard about the tacky residue left on his fingers. When the door closed behind him, Ray felt a complete shift in the atmosphere. The lighting was soft and everything was a shade of off white. The music from outside could still be heard, but was reduced to a dull thumping. Ray took a deep breath and sighed.

A toilet flushed. A stall door opened, shaking Ray from his reverie. Michael walked out, wiping the back of his hand across his mouth. His glassy eyes locked onto Ray and recognition lit up his face.

“Ray!” he said with an easy smile, “How ya doin’, man? Havin’ fun?”

The mysterious sticky residue from the door felt tight against Ray’s fingertips. He shrugged and walked over to the sink.

“Not as much as you apparently,” Ray hit the soap dispenser a few times. The silky pink soap swirled around in his palm. “Lindsay told me to tell you she’s with Barb.”

Michael stumbled his way over to the sink. He stuck his cupped hands under the faucet. Ray washed his own hands as he watched Michael in the mirror. Michael filled his hands up with water and rinsed out his mouth. Ray watched him gargle and spit. He didn’t comment on the lingering smell of vomit.

The restroom door swung open and the pulsating rhythm of another EDM hit filled up the small space of the bathroom. The door closed and the beats were reduced to dull thudding once again.

Caleb stood in the entryway, wiping sweat from his brow.

“Havin’ fun there, Caleb?” Michael asked as he wiped at the water dripping down his chin.

“Having a blast,” Caleb grinned, heading over to the urinals lined against the wall. He shot Ray a look, “How ‘bout you? You okay, dude?”

The water was still running hot over Ray’s hands so he pulled them from under the faucet and wiped his hands on his shirt. He nodded his head, “Yeah, just sensory overload, I guess. It’s pretty intense out there.”

“I hear ya,” Caleb said with an expression that made Ray feel like he really understood, “Guess the alcohol helps with that though. How’s your night going, Michael?”

Michael went over to the paper towel dispenser and yanked out a few towels. He dried his hands and face. “Can’t complain. Night just started and I managed to ditch my British baggage for a second.”

Caleb stifled his laughter with all the grace of a drunkard. “British baggage?” He turned to face the urinal and unzipped his fly, “Should I even ask?”

Michael rolled his eyes. He balled up the paper towels and lined up a shot with the trashcan. When he shot and missed, he didn’t seem fazed by it. “He’s just being annoying like always. Love the guy, but _Jesus Christ_.”

“Language,” Caleb mock reprimanded as he continued to piss and carry on a conversation, “What would the nuns think if they heard you?”

Michael scowled, his eyes glassy and balance wobbly, “Don’t be a punk, Caleb. You wanna spend the rest of your life being a punk ass busta?”

It was Caleb’s turn to roll his eyes. He didn’t get a chance to respond before the bathroom door slammed open and the thumping beats from the dance floor flooded in.

“Michael!!”

Ray would have taken the music over that voice right about now. He wiped his already drying hands on the front of his shirt again and tried to ignore how the familiar lilts in that voice still sent something in his heart aflutter. Ray didn’t mean to glance at the doorway, it was sort of involuntary.

Gavin had a lopsided grin on his face. He looked like he had gone for a swim, shirt soaked and stuck to his skin. His hair was matted to his forehead and the back of his neck.

Ray tore his eyes from the doorway and stared at his own reflection. He didn’t look as tired as he felt. That was a good thing.

Gavin didn’t seem to notice him and Ray wasn’t all that surprised with how drunk he seemed to be at the moment. He half bounded, half staggered over to Michael and looped his arms around Michael’s waist in a bone-crushing hug.

Michael groaned. He squirmed feebly and even though he tried to appear thoroughly annoyed, a smile tugged at the corners of his mouth.

“Let me go, idiot,” Gavin lifted Michael so that his feet left the grimy bathroom floor for a brief second and both of them nearly tumbled backwards. Michael yelped and shot Caleb and Ray a pleading look, “Caleb, Ray, help me out over here.”

Caleb chuckled as he zipped up his fly and went to wash his hands. “Sorry, Michael. Your problem, not mine.”

Ray shrugged and tried not to look directly at Gavin, who noticed him for the first time.

Michael muttered curses and tried to wriggle out of Gavin’s grip again. Gavin gently set him back down and let him go. He dropped his arms to his sides and stared at Ray for a second. He looked like he was about to say something but then his eyes flickered to Caleb and back to Michael. Gavin walked over to the sink and started to splash water on his face.

Michael and Caleb must have been too inebriated to find anything strange about Gavin’s behavior and casually fell right back into a conversation. Ray didn’t pay attention to what they were saying, he wasn’t even completely in the moment, lost in his head and trying to analyze what Gavin might have wanted to tell him in that single fleeting moment. Then Caleb flicked water at Ray’s face and laughed when Ray violently flinched.

“What d’you say?” Caleb said in the midst of his laughter, “You wanna hang with me this Spring Break instead of going home?”

Ray didn’t miss the way Gavin’s shoulders stiffened as he stopped rubbing his hands under the running water in the sink. He was listening, awaiting Ray’s answer. Knowing that Gavin was still the least bit invested in what Ray did and with whom, Ray let his pettiness get the best of him as he smiled and accepted Caleb’s offer.

“Great!” Caleb beamed and dropped his hands on Ray’s shoulders, “Now let’s get back to dancing!”

Ray didn’t get a chance to agree or protest before he was dragged out of the relatively quiet bathroom and back into the throes of nightlife. The music was louder than Ray remembered when they reentered the main room. He was fifty percent sure someone just grabbed his ass and he lost sight of Caleb almost immediately in the shitty lighting.

Before he had the chance to gather his bearings and find at least one person he recognized, Ray felt a pair of hands on his hips pushing him onto the dance floor. He was in the middle of the chaos, sweaty bodies rubbing and grinding against him and each other. Ray tried to turn around in the crowd and came face to face with Kara. She had a grin that appeared downright devilish under the lights.

She started dancing to the music and motioned for Ray to dance with her. She swayed her hips and pumped her hands in the air in a rhythm that was almost close to the rhythm of the song playing. In another situation, Ray probably would have laughed at her wild and off-beat dancing. As things stood however, Ray just stood in front of her with a panic-stricken expression, his feet frozen to the alcohol covered floor.

It wasn’t until someone dancing beside them jostled into Ray that he was shaken from his stupor and decided that he definitely didn’t want to dance right now. Unfortunately, surrounded by people in shitty lighting made it really difficult to tell which direction would lead him out of this drunken, sweaty hell.

He felt a hand on the small of his back and nearly jumped out of his skin. He should have recognized the gentle touch of Barbara considering she had tried to forcefully pull him onto the dance floor earlier, but he wasn’t thinking straight at the moment. The flashing lights created playful shadows over her cheeks as she smiled.

Ray tried to smile back, tried to tell her that he wanted out of the stifling mob Kara had hauled him into, but his face didn’t work quite right and he wasn’t sure she’d be able to hear him anyway. It didn’t seem to matter, Ray was pretty sure she was too drunk to even notice at this point as Barbara turned around, took both of his hands, and put them on her hips. Kara immediately understood what was going on and stood behind Ray, putting him in the very uncomfortable position of being sandwiched between his two classmates.

Contrary to popular belief, Ray wasn’t the best at dancing. He was terrible at it actually, despite his Latino roots. It was a running joke in middle school. Ray knew what having rhythm looked like and he knew he and Kara and Barbara didn’t have anything resembling it. He danced with them anyway. He didn’t feel like he had a choice.

He sank his fingers into the soft flesh of Barbara’s hips, no doubt leaving marks in the pale sliver of skin where her shirt rode up. She rocked her hips so that her butt was pressed against his crotch. Kara’s boobs were squished against his back. Ray went along with it. It wasn’t weird to grind up on your friends, right? It was just one dance and Ray was using the contact as more of an anchor than anything. When he felt the familiar tug in his gut as his dick strained against his jeans, however, he quickly let go and tried to back out as fast as he could.

Friends or not, popping a chubby while grinding on a girl was definitely weird in Ray’s book. The girls didn’t seem to mind or notice. Barbara kept dancing offbeat to the song that was playing, completely oblivious to Ray’s absence. Kara stepped into the spot that he left behind and danced up against Barbara.

Ray immediately turned tail, pushing past faceless drunk people and searching for a way out of this mess. Holy fuck, was he entirely too sober for this. He eventually stumbled his way off of the dance floor for the second time that night and was greeted with a glaring red “EXIT” sign. Ray could practically hear the angelic chorus as he shoved the door and wobbled out into the cool night air.

He bent over, hands on his knees and gulped down lungfuls of outside air. Yeah, clubbing wasn’t really his thing as it turned out. He’d stick to low-key nights out passing a joint around with his friends. Ray didn’t know how long he spent kneeled over in the alleyway behind the club, but when the door he had so gracelessly exited out of opened with a click, he realized that it had been a while since he left Kara and Barbara on the dance floor.

“You okay there, dude?”

A bright red pair of heels stepped into Ray’s view. He looked up into the worried face of Lindsay. She reached out and placed a gentle hand on his shoulder. Ray stood up and laughed weakly.

“Not, uh, not really.”

Lindsay looked truly apologetic as she rubbed small circles into Ray’s back.

“Idiots 1 and 2 went to a house party,” she waved her phone, the screen lighting up the dim back alley, “Less people. Chiller vibe. Wanna go?”

Ray swallowed thickly, he could still feel the music vibrating in his chest.

“Yeah. Let’s do that.”

The heavy metal door swung open again and Caleb, Miles, Kerry, and Monty stumbled out of the club. In Miles’s case, it was less stumbling and more of him getting half thrown out by a burly dude in a “Security” t-shirt.

Lindsay was quick to ask what the fuck happened. Miles was going to explain but was hit with a sudden wave of nausea and leaned heavily against Kerry while moaning about his stomach.

“Miles started dancing on the bar.” Caleb was clearly entertained by the whole situation and kept giggling as he spoke, “Turns out people don’t like it when you break bottles of expensive as shit alcohol.”

Kerry shifted Miles’s weight on his shoulder and looked more haggard than Ray felt, “Then the bouncer asked to see our IDs and the jig was up.”

Lindsay pulled a face, “Yikes.”

“Yeah, I guess we should be grateful he didn’t call the cops? Told us to go home though,” Monty said.

Miles stopped swaying long enough to point to the sky, “To the hookah bar!”

Kerry sighed, “Seriously, we just got kicked out of a club and you want to go smoking?”

Monty chuckled and shook his head, “He’s going to feel like shit in the morning.” He looked at Lindsay and Ray, “You guys coming with?”

Ray looked to Lindsay, he’d never been to a hookah bar before, but they had already decided on the house party. Lindsay looked back at him, at the unasked question on his face and shrugged.

“We were heading to a party down the street so I can find my loser boyfriend and his dumb as shit bestie. We might meet up with you later though.”

Monty nodded, considering that an acceptable answer. He, Kerry, and a wasted Miles headed out of the alley and towards the hookah bar, wherever that was, leaving Ray to stand under a flickering streetlamp with Lindsay and Caleb.

Lindsay looked at Caleb, “You’re not going with them?”

Caleb shook his head, “Nah, house party sounds more fun. Think they’ll have a keg stand?”

“Maybe, maybe not,” Lindsay looped her arms with his and Ray’s and led them out of the grimy alleyway, “You gonna take off your shirt when you do one? It’s pretty much the only way. Super manly.”

Caleb laughed, “You making fun of me?”

“Maybe.” They stepped off the curb and crossed a street that Ray didn’t recognize, “Actually yes. Yes, I am.”

They got lost twice trying to find the correct house because Michael’s directions were drunk and senseless. When they arrived at the right address, the door was unlocked and they walked right in. Michael and Gavin were playing a round of beer pong on a rickety table set up in front of a television. Judging by Michael’s dour demeanor, they were losing. The loss was probably mostly Gavin’s fault, who was beyond drunk and doing more squawking and giggling than actual playing.

Caleb made a beeline for the flight of stairs that led to the basement. The music from downstairs sent tremors through the floorboards. Ray took a look around.

It was a pretty big house, three stories, and looked like it was built forever ago. There was wood paneling on the wall for fuck’s sake. Even with the heavy beats from the basement and the pop hits playing off of someone’s laptop in the corner, the atmosphere was pretty chill compared to the club.

Ray was so caught up in looking around that he didn’t notice Lindsay had even left until she walked back up to him.

“I signed us up for beer pong.”

“What? But I don’t –”

“Don’t worry I’ll drink for you. But if you don’t fuck it up, neither of us will have to drink at all.”

Ray had never played beer pong before, so he was pretty sure he was going to fuck it up. He awkwardly rubbed his arm and looked at the posters on the wall. He didn’t recognize most of the bands and a lot of the memorabilia lying about was niche at best and just plain weird at worst. Ray was intensely scrutinizing a light up Santa with a penis crudely drawn on its face when Michael strode up frowning and angry.

“Remind me t’never playing with that fucking fuck. Like, what the fuck? The fuck?”

Michael’s special brand of drunken eloquence was lost on Ray, but Lindsay seemed to understand just fine. She tugged at the waistband of his pants and pulled him close. She peppered his face with kisses and placated him as best she could.

“You say that now, but wait ‘til next time. You always pair up with that asshole. When’re gonna learn to hook up with a real winner?”

Michael put her face in his hands, stopping her kisses in their tracks. His eyes scanned over her face, unfocused and glassy. He squished her cheeks between his broad palms and she giggled. He leaned in and kissed her on the mouth, missing a bit and only catching the corner of her lips. Lindsay giggled again and guided his mouth so it met hers. Michael hummed a note that Ray was pretty sure didn’t exist anywhere on a keyboard. He parted his lips and let Lindsay dip her tongue inside and suddenly Ray realized that he was watching an intimate moment between two people and felt like the biggest creep on the planet.

He looked away and tried to find something more interesting to watch. There were a few people dancing to the music while others were having conversations about God knew what. Ray thought about finding a place to sit down, but there was a couple on the couch a few feet away really going at it. The girl was astride the guy’s lap and the way her hips rocked was mesmerizing. Ray thought about hiding out in the bathroom for a few minutes, just so he wouldn’t have to stand around feeling awkward and out of place, but two girls were feeling each other up in the bathroom’s doorway.

Maybe he should just find somebody to talk to. He scanned the room and moved from the living room to the hallway that led to the front door.

That was where he saw Gavin pressed up against a young lady with blonde hair and the longest legs Ray had ever seen on a human being. He couldn’t get a good look at her face because Gavin was trying to suck bruises into her bottom lip and Ray had never looked away from something so fast. Everybody was making out and it made him uncomfortable.

He headed for what he hoped was the kitchen. The kitchen lights were bright and there was a bowl of what looked like gummi worms but smelled like alcohol sitting on a counter. There was a screen door that led to a back porch, but the only other person in the kitchen was a tall blonde guy with thick shoulders. The guy gave a curt wave to Ray as he pulled a can of beer out of the fridge.

“Yo! You smoke?”

Clearly this kid has already taken a hit or five because his eyes were bloodshot and he looked entirely too happy to be in the middle of kitchen that smelled like alcohol, sugar, and black mold. Ray decided to humor the guy. He seemed harmless enough.

“Yeah...why?”

The guy lit up. He popped the tab on his can with a hiss. “Sweet, my boyfriend’s rolling a few upstairs if you want to join us. The more the merrier, know what I’m saying?”

Ray was taken aback. Boyfriend? He did say boyfriend right? Was this beefy blonde dude inviting him to a threesome right now? Because that was what it sounded like and, Lord have mercy, nothing in life prepared Ray for this. Just then, Caleb appeared out of nowhere and saved Ray from having to awkwardly turn down an invitation to a gay orgy.

“Hey, where’s Lindsay? She had a point about the keg stand thing holy shit.”

Ray had to do a double take before answering. “Caleb, where the hell is your shirt?”

Caleb flexed instead of replying.

The blonde guy laughed and turned to leave the kitchen, “Come on if you want to smoke. I promise it’s not laced with anything weird.”

If Ray thought Caleb was his saving grace before, he was sorely disappointed when Caleb perked up and tailed right behind Blondie McBeefington. Fucking traitor. Not that Ray couldn’t do with a little mellowing out right now.

Upstairs on the second floor was even quieter than the first. The hallways are pretty dark and most of the doors are closed. A few couples are tucked away in dark corners, making out and groping each other like they were each other’s last source of intimacy in a detached world. A dim light spilled from the doorway of a room towards the end of the hall. That was where the blonde guy led them.

There were red and white Christmas lights hanging up on the wall and a lava lamp on a desk. It gave the room a real “den of iniquity” vibe. Sitting on a beanbag chair in the middle of the floor was some gangly kid with gauges and wrist tattoos. He had a glass pipe hanging from his lips and a lighter positioned under it. When he saw he had company, he promptly dropped his lighter and opened his arms wide.

“Blaine!” His smile was nothing on this side of sober and he made grabby motions at the blonde guy, “Took you long enough. Where’d you go, man?”

Blaine shook his can and took a seat next to the beanbag, “Told you I went to grab a drink. Met some people downstairs. They seemed alright.”

This guy had known Ray and Caleb for all of a few minutes, didn’t even know their names, and had already made a decision about whether they were trustworthy. Ray figured that so long as he got a chance to take the edge off of reality for a while, Blaine could form all the positive first impressions he wanted.

The guy with the gauges and tats pointed to himself, “JJ.” He pointed to Blaine, “Blaine.” He then pulled out a neatly rolled joint that was tucked behind his ear, “Smoke?”

Caleb accepted the joint and lighter. He expertly lit the end and took a hit. JJ took a hit from his pipe and handed it to Blaine.

“So,” Blaine started, “Where you from?”

Caleb handed the joint to Ray and answered for the both of them. White smoke unfurled between his lips as he spoke.

“The Academy.”

Blaine raised an eyebrow, his mouth too preoccupied with the pipe for him to say anything. JJ fiddled with the bracelet on his wrist and exhaled a hazy cloud.

“No shit?” he said.

Caleb shrugged like it was no big deal. Ray focused on the joint he had been given. He inhaled and held the smoke in his mouth, letting it swirl and sit on his tongue.

JJ let out a low whistle and leaned back in his beanbag, “Wow, got a couple of private school kids over here.”

Ray sharply exhaled, smoke forcefully surging between his lips. He wanted to change the subject. “Is this house yours?”

He was never the best at changing the subject, he had terrible tact, but Blaine and JJ looked about his age and there was no way this place belonged to them. It seemed like a reasonable question. Plus, Ray was curious.

Blaine shook his head. He took a sip from his beer and set the can on the floor. “We’re visiting a friend. Older. Cooler.”

“Much cooler,” JJ added with a flick of his wrist.

“He’s playing host right now though so he left us up here. Told us not to get in trouble.”

“Doing a good job so far,” Caleb joked. He motioned to the joint still between Ray’s fingers, “He gonna mind?”

Blaine and JJ shared a look. They looked at Caleb and shrugged. Caleb decided that was a good enough answer. Their answer kind of made Ray wary, but he took another hit anyway. It wouldn’t matter in the next few minutes anyway. Nothing would.

They spent an ungodly amount of time with Blaine and JJ. Ray learned that they were both freshmen and went to the same public high school. Blaine played football. JJ did theater. They met at an AV Club meeting and started dating after Blaine asked JJ to Homecoming (an offer that JJ didn’t initially accept and assumed was a joke).

They had a lot of questions about the Academy. Apparently there were tons of rumors surrounding the school and its students. Some of them were weird (“Is it true you guys do the self-flagellation thing?”), others were funny (“So can you not, like, read Harry Potter and shit?”), but there was one question that Ray couldn’t quite answer in complete honesty.

“So let’s say me and Jay were students. Could we, like, not date then?”

The question was innocent enough and Blaine seemed genuinely intrigued in the answer. Ray’s mind still tried to do flips in the haze filling his skull. He could have sworn that Caleb was giving him a look right now, but that was probably the paranoia.

“You could? Maybe? Like in secret?” Ray tilted his head and looked at the ceiling, “Maybe?”

Smoke was swirling and dissipating along the ceiling tiles. Ray dragged his eyes away from the shapes and looked at the pair in front of him. JJ had moved at some point during their time together. Blaine had pulled him off of the beanbag so that he was sitting in Blaine’s lap. JJ played with Blaine’s empty hand, tracing the dips between his fingers. His voice was quiet and his words were slurred when he asked a follow-up question,

“Y’think God hates people who aren’t straight?”

Ray looked down at the remains of the joint between his fingers. He didn’t have an answer for that one. He knew what he wanted the answer to be. What he so desperately wanted to hear. He wanted to tell JJ something comforting for the both of them, but Ray was pretty sure his words would get all muddled and weird on the way out.

“Dunno,” he heard Caleb say. For a non-answer, he sounded pretty sure of himself, “Way I figure it, God knows what he’s doing, right? So if He makes people not straight, He’s gotta be okay with it.”

JJ seemed to muse this over, not looking up from Blaine’s fingers. Ray tried to imagine the impossible warmth of being embraced like that.

Blaine spoke up in the lingering silence, “Can’t make billions of people and use the same boring template every time.”

Caleb lazily nodded and pointed at Blaine with finger guns. “Exactly. Kind of.”

“Not that straight people are boring. No offense,” Blaine added as an afterthought.

“None taken. But you’d probably be surprised at how many of the students are…open-minded, I guess. I mean, we did all sneak out to get wasted and high and fuck strangers.”

“Point,” JJ murmured.

The silence settled in between their words again and Ray wasn’t going to be the one to break it. Caleb, always in tune with other people and gracious to a fault, started complaining about being hungry. He pulled out his phone to check for places nearby where they could eat and made a face at the numbers on his phone staring back at him. He looked at Ray bleary-eyed and apologetic.

“Shit, it’s almost one, dude. We’re supposed to meet up at one thirty.”

Right. The plan. Geoff had been very adamant about setting a specific time to meet back up at the bus stop. He absolutely refused to leave anyone behind and Ray had meant to ask what had gone down in previous years that made this a sticking point for him.

Caleb stood up and Ray followed and reveled in the way the world spun and stilled at the same time with his every move. They exchanged goodbyes with Blaine and JJ who looked quite put out about their departure. Caleb promised that they’d hang out sometime and offered to exchange numbers. Ray was pretty sure he was involved, but he was too busy thinking about what he was going to eat when they got back to campus to really pay attention. Everything was closed this time of night, but maybe somebody had something good stashed away.

Caleb made sure to gather up the rest of the gang before they headed out (Lindsay and Michael wound up teaming up for beer pong and were actually the reigning champions before they left, much to Michael’s displeasure).

On their way through the neighborhood, navigating the streets of the town as they made their way to their bus stop, they passed a bar with a grubby front window with half-faded words printed across it. Inside, Ray could see a pool table and six familiar faces. Burnie was leaning over the table with his pool cue in hand as he set up a shot. Gus was standing just to the side of him talking to Geoff across the table, who was leaning against his own cue and listening intently. Ryan and Jack were sitting at a low table talking and laughing about something that was inaudible through the thick glass.

Ray wasn’t the only one who noticed their missing classmates. He felt someone brush past him as he slowed to a stop. It was Gavin, who strode up to the window and rapped on the pane. He started talking at a volume that was louder than necessary.

“Geoff! Geoff! Hey, lookit!” Gavin knocked on the window again and waved his arms in the air.

Geoff turned around, along with the rest of the guys inside. His face lit up in a way that made Ray realize he wasn’t entirely sober either. Ray started giggling. He couldn’t help it. Something about tonight was really funny and it was probably the weed that was sending him into a giggle fit.

“Jesus Christ, shut up, Gav. Why are you so loud?”

The words were probably slurred, but he hadn’t really meant to say them out loud in the first place. He must have said it aloud though because Gavin shot him a look. It was a look that felt like it lasted forever, but surely Ray’s sense of time was just really screwed up. Regardless of how much time actually passed, Geoff and the group of missing upperclassmen walked out of the bar and broke whatever tension that was between them.

“Alright, dumbasses, let’s head home.”

Geoff assumed leadership of their group for the time being. This was his grand plan after all. Everyone muttered in agreement and they all continued their trek back home. Gavin walked next to Michael, one arm slung over his shoulder. Ray and Caleb walked a few steps behind them and Ray ignored the bubbling in his gut because he was too high for this shit.

It was on the bus ride back to campus when it happened. Everyone had made in back to the bus in one piece, the energy level of the group had dulled quite a bit, and it was almost two in the morning.

Caleb slid into the seat next to Ray. “So what’s up with you and Gavin?”

Ray was still too high for this shit and just stared at Caleb.

“What?”

Surely Caleb wasn’t asking what Ray thought he was asking.

The bus hit a pothole and Caleb swayed a bit. “You guys were inseparable first semester. Then after Christmas, you just sort of stopped talking to each other. You’ve been weirdly passive aggressively hostile to each other tonight.”

“Go away Caleb, you’re drunk.”

“And you’re high. You’re a shitty liar when you’re high.” Caleb grinned, “You’re a shitty liar when you’re sober too.”

Ray allowed himself to crack a smile, “Says you.”

Michael, who had been trying to force a surly looking Gavin into having a conversation with him, dragged Gavin over to the seats behind Caleb and Ray. Gavin, having noticed Ray smiling and joking with Caleb, crossed his arms as he sat down.

“Having a laugh?” He glowered.

“Jesus, Gavin, you’re such a pissy drunk right now. What is your _problem_?”

“I don’t know, Michael, why don’t you ask _Ray_?”

Oh. Oh no. Oh no no no. There was no way Gavin was going to pin all of this on Ray. Not right now. Not tonight. This was the first time they were going to have anything resembling a conversation since fucking January, and this was how Gavin wanted to do it? Ray was too fucking high for this bullshit and Gavin was too goddamn drunk.

Michael looked expectantly at Ray, his eyes glassy and bloodshot and unfocused, “Well, Ray? The hell is going on between you two?”

Ray wasn’t going to stand for this. Then he realized he was sitting and decided he wasn’t going to sit for this either. The Academy’s gate was visible through the bus’s front window. They were almost home. Ray shoved Caleb, trying to get out of his seat.

“Move.”

Caleb gave him a weird look but obliged and slid into the seat in front of him. Ray was not in the mood to put up with this (he doubted he would ever be in the mood). His high had been ruined, his eyes were stinging, and his night was ending on a bad note. And then Gavin made it worse.

“Oh, running away again? You’re awful good at that.”

Something in Ray snapped clean and cold and suddenly he was full of nothing but white hot anger.

“Seriously?!” He practically screamed and he hadn’t meant for it to come out that loud, but he was just. So. _Done_.

The casual chatter from the rest of the group came to a screeching halt. There was nothing but deafening silence and Gavin’s bleary glare clouding Ray’s senses.

“Are you fucking serious right now?” Ray’s voice was still too loud, but he was afraid that if he tried to quiet down, he would lose the gall to continue. So he kept yelling. “After all this bullshit and you’re blaming _me_? Like I didn’t try to talk to you? Like I didn’t try to apologize?”

“Yeah, out of some weirdo sense of misplaced guilt!” The bleariness in Gavin’s eyes was replaced with a sharp edged focus Ray had never seen before. He stood up and Ray had forgotten how much taller Gavin was than him. “You don’t feel bad, you feel guilty! You’re all out of sorts because you get some sick kick out of being self-sacrificing!”

Well that one stung, so without a second thought, Ray spat out, “Yeah, well at least I’m not some – some apathetic narcissist who lacks basic fucking human decency!”

Then Gavin lunged at Ray and as they hit the bus floor with a heavy thud, everything got confusing. There was yelling and cursing and the bus screeched to a halt. Something – Ray was pretty sure it was the back of Gavin’s hand – struck Ray across his face and stung like bitch.

Ray swung at the air above him and managed to land a solid punch clean against Gavin’s cheek. Gavin reeled back and clutched at his face, giving Ray a chance to flip them over so he was on top. Ray didn’t even give it a second thought, as soon as he had a clear shot, before he even completely straddled Gavin’s hips, he wrapped his fingers around that perfectly slender neck and tried to choke the life out of it. Gavin was still clawing at his face but either there was no pain anymore or Ray just couldn’t feel it.

Sensation came back to him like a bolt of lightning when Ray felt a pair of arms loop under his armpits and drag him off the bus kicking and screaming. He face was hot and his nose was running. There was ringing in his ears. Ray couldn’t even see anything through his angry tears, but a low and strained voice tried to bring him back to earth.

It was Joel and it was the calmest Ray had ever heard him. Ray tried to regain control of his breathing and settle his racing heart. A few feet away, Jack had his arms wrapped around Gavin, pinning Gavin’s arms to his side. The low rumble of his voice carried in the chilly spring breeze, but Ray couldn’t make out the words.

On the bus, Burnie, Matt, and Gus could be heard fiercely apologizing to the driver. Caleb, Michael, and Lindsay were lined up while Geoff questioned them on what the fuck just happened. Kara, Monty, Kerry, and Miles were sitting on the curb and watching everyone warily. Miles kept repeating the words “what the fuck was that what the fuck _was_ that” but no one could answer him. Kat was leaning against a tree with her eyes trained on the sky. Ray wondered what she was thinking so intently about. Probably the fact that he and Gavin tried to kill each other in the middle of a bus aisle.

Joel was still muttering in Ray’s ear, trying to prevent another falling out, “You really just need to chill out right now. If shit’s going down, now’s really not the time to hash it out.”

Ray’s blood bubbled just a bit. He knew that. He’d been trying to avoid this fallout for weeks. He had seen what anger did to people. He had seen what intoxication and discontent did to relationships. It was Gavin who didn’t seem to get it. He was the one who wouldn’t listen.

“Try telling that to Gavin,” Ray muttered darkly.

Joel sighed. “If I let you go, you promise not to run at him, right?”

Ray assessed himself mentally and physically. He had a cut under his eye that was bleeding and his ribs were sore. He was still a little (a lot) angry.

“I mean. Y’know.”

“That’s not an answer, Ray.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever, Jesus Christ.”

Joel’s grip loosened and Ray stepped away, rolling his shoulders to work out some of the soreness. Jack still had a tight hold on Gavin, who hadn’t stopped fighting against his restraints since he was forcibly pulled off the bus. He was spitting venom and his accent was thick, whether from the alcohol or anger, Ray didn’t know.

“You like this don’t you?” Gavin screamed because the only thing Jack couldn’t control was his tongue, “Being a martyr? You act so bloody altruistic and it’s absolute _rubbish_. What kind of bastard – for God’s sake! You say you wanna talk, but you never actually – it’s all vague shit and what’s even the point if you already made up your mind about something?”

Ray didn’t have anything to say so he stared Gavin down. He looked a lot like a caged animal, thrashing around like that. Ray’s bitterness somehow sweetened the scene for him. Gavin looked every bit as desperate and distraught as Ray had been feeling over the past few weeks. But then Gavin said something that set off the anger boiling just beneath Ray’s skin.

“So tell me,” Gavin spat while squirming out of Jack’s grip, “Did you not tell your mum because you were ashamed of me, or because you’re afraid she’ll leave you like your dad did?”

They were fighting again. Ray closed the space between him and Gavin so quickly that Joel didn’t have the chance to yank him back. He was at Gavin’s throat again, trying to make lasting marks in his flesh, trying desperately to shut him up. But Gavin was bigger than Ray, stronger than Ray, and it was easier for Gavin to overpower him in the open space on the side of the road.

Ray found himself flat on his back with Gavin’s long legs straddling his waist and fists striking his face. The distinct taste of copper was filling Ray’s mouth and if what Gavin had said about Ray’s martyrdom was true, then maybe this was a good thing. After all, the blood of martyrs was the seed of the church. But then the blows slowed down and the power behind them abated.

“I mean really,” the punches stopped altogether and Ray blinked through tears and stars to see Gavin staring down at him. He didn’t look angry anymore, just sad and tired and _sad_. “Who the _fuck_ breaks up with someone over Skype?”

A heavy weight crashed into Ray’s chest, adding to the weight of Gavin on top of him. He was hiccupping and Gavin’s tears were hitting him in the face.

“I was _scared_ ,” Ray said, voice thick with tears and snot and blood. “I was scared and confused and you just didn’t seem to care.”

A heavy hand rested on Gavin’s shoulder. It was Burnie and he looked at the two of them with his mouth in a grim line.

“Come on. Let’s go home.”

He nodded his head towards the dorms as he spoke. Gavin sniffed, sloppily wiping away his tears as he got off of Ray. Ray sat up, propping himself up on his elbows.

Kat leaned over him and offered her hand, “Come on, kid. Up we go.”

Ray accepted her hand and let her pull him to his feet. The walk back to campus was long, deathly quiet, and the most miserable experience of Ray’s young life. He and Gavin kept enough distance between them for a train to drive through as they walked on opposite sides of the path. Ray kept sniffling. Gavin kept coughing. Ray almost felt kind of bad about choking the shit out of the guy.

They didn’t go home together that night. Gavin fell back when the elevator arrived, choosing to look at his shoes instead of getting on, so Ray rode up by himself. The room had been weirdly empty for a while now, but it felt undeniably lonely when Ray opened the door. Gavin’s bed was sloppy and unmade. It looked abandoned positioned there against the wall and under the window. Ray crawled into bed without bothering to take his shoes off, pulled the covers over his head, and cried himself to sleep. Or he would have if he wasn’t tapped out of tears. It was mostly just dry heaving and hiccupping and repeating curses until his throat cracked and he tasted copper on his tongue for the second time that night.

____________________

The next morning, Ray didn’t want to open his eyes. He didn’t want to get up, to start his day. He was woken up by someone knocking on his door anyway. It was Michael. He looked terrible, hung-over, disheveled, and lacking sleep. Ray had a feeling he knew where Gavin spent last night.

“Look, I don’t know who squealed, but you need to go to the Headmistress’s Office. Both of you.”

Well great. What a great way to start off what was already guaranteed to be a shitty day. Ray pressed his face against the molding around the doorway and groaned. He couldn’t be bothered to use real words at the moment. If this went as badly as Ray imagined it would, Ray was one meeting away from getting kicked out of school. And for what? For falling for his roommate and getting into an inebriated brawl with him in the middle of the street? Ray was pretty sure that God had pardoned sinners for worse offenses.

Michael awkwardly stood in the hallway. He stuffed his hands in the pockets of his hoodie and rocked on the balls of his feet. He looked around the hallway – at the wall, the ceiling, anywhere that wasn’t Ray – and chewed on the inside of his cheek like he was biting back words that were threating to spill from his lips at any second.

Ray slightly turned his head so that the doorway was cutting into his cheek. If Michael had something to say, he might as well spit it out now.

“What, Michael?”

“Try not to get expelled okay?” Michael seemed taken aback by the abruptness of his own words.

“Too late,” Ray grumbled. He stood up straight and started to recede back into the room. Michael had delivered his message and Ray should probably take a shower first to start off what was looking to be a horrible day.

Michael stuck his foot in the door at the last second and prevented it from closing. He shoved it open, eyebrows furrowed and bottom lip jutted out.

“I’m serious, Ray. You and Gavin…” he trailed off, searching for words he couldn’t find. He shook his head and gave Ray a level stare, “Whatever. Just…come back in one piece, alright?”

Ray would try. He couldn’t make any promises, but he would sure as hell try.

The Head Office was like any other administrative office Ray had ever been in: clean, composed, and intimidatingly quiet. He squirmed in the overly soft chair cushion and stared at a miniature bronze cast figurine of the Virgin and Child on the mahogany desk in front of him. The woman sitting behind the desk didn’t look up when Ray had first entered. She didn’t move when Gavin entered either. The three of them sat in that deathly quiet office for a long stretch of time, only the sounds of the ticking of the clock on the wall and the occasional shuffling of papers breaking the silence.

So Ray sat and waited. If there was one thing he had remembered from growing up it was that adults always insisted that children should been seen, not heard. Especially when they were in trouble. And as Ray continued his one-sided staring contest with the Virgin Mary, he knew that he was definitely in trouble.

The headmistress cleared her throat. The sound cracked the silence like fractures in stained glass. Ray sat up straight and tore his eyes away from the figurine. The headmistress clasped her hands on the top of her desk and looked from Gavin to Ray. The thick black frames of her horn-rimmed glasses perched on the end of her nose and added a sort of severity to her pinched face.

“I had the lovely pleasure today of waking up to some very _interesting_ rumors about the two of you. Care to explain?”

Ray didn’t really want to explain. She knew that and Gavin knew that, so why was she even asking? Ray silently prayed for a quick death. Some sort of immediate retribution in return for all the ways he messed up. He wasn’t interested in playing the “tell me what you think you did wrong while I play mental gymnastics with you” game.

Because Ray was pretty sure he did a lot wrong. More things than he could remember or even fully comprehend. He kept his hands in his lap and fiddled them in the silence that followed the headmistress’s question. He really fucked up this time. He ruined everything. He ruined his life, his mother really was going to disown him, and he couldn’t believe this was happening. He couldn’t believe he fucked up so majestically during his first year in high school.

The first person to speak wasn’t Ray. The first person to speak wasn’t the headmistress repeating her question or explaining what exactly her perception of the situation was. The first person to speak was Gavin.

“Long story short, it’s my fault. I gave into temptation and Ray…he’s alright. I’ll confess, perform some Hail Marys and we’ll be good, yeah?”

Ray finally dared to look at Gavin for the first time all morning. His hair was wild, but his eyes were tired. Ray was really confused. Gavin was going to take the heat for this and Ray didn’t understand why. The guy had every reason to shove Ray under the bus or at least drag him part of the way down because Ray had played his fair share in all of this.

“Are you saying you’re taking complete responsibility for this, Gavin?”

Gavin nodded. Ray could see the muscles in his neck tighten as he clenched his jaw. The headmistress looked at Ray.

“And you don’t have anything to add to this, Ray?”

Ray frowned. He looked at his hands trembling in his lap and at the bronze cast Virgin with her downcast gaze. He opened his mouth to speak.

“Well, I mean –”

There was a sharp kick to Ray’s leg and he nearly bit his tongue off. He shot a glare at Gavin, but Gavin stared straight ahead at the spot just over the headmistress’s head. Ray huffed and looked the headmistress dead in the face. She had a quirked eyebrow and appeared interested in what Ray’s next words were. If Gavin wanted to take the fall for this, Ray would go with it. This all seemed deceptively easy, but Ray could ask Gavin why later. He could ask for forgiveness for being a coward later too.

“Book of Psalms, am I right? Chapter fifty six, verse three?” Ray furrowed his brows. God bless Bible Study. “Or is it Proverbs eleven thirteen?”

The headmistress looked from Ray to Gavin. If she suspected anything, she chose not to comment on it. Gavin was assigned mandatory trips to confession and required to perform whatever retribution the priest saw fit. Ray was given a stern warning to keep better company.

When they were walking across campus and back to Hunter, Ray tried to thank Gavin and apologize at the same time. It came out as a bunch of jumbled up words that didn’t make a bit of sense. Gavin cut him off before Ray could regain control of his tongue.

“Right. So. To forgive is divine, innit?” Gavin slowed to a stop and Ray stopped walking too. Gavin ran his hand through his hair and gave Ray what had to be the saddest smile in the world. It didn’t even reach his eyes and make them twinkle in the way that used to make Ray’s heart stop. “I’ve never been good at that bit. Maybe my mum’s right. I must be more like my dad than I thought. This is me trying to fix it, yeah? I’m working on it.”

Gavin resumed walking back to the dorm, but Ray didn’t follow. He watched Gavin’s back as he slipped further and further away. Ray didn’t reach out or try to call Gavin’s name to bring him back. He was thinking about Gavin’s exasperated texts about his father over winter break. He thought about how Gavin had only told one of his parents about their less than heterosexual relationship. Ray thought about how he wasn’t the only one with daddy issues around here.

When he got back to their room, Gavin wasn’t there. Ray honestly didn’t expect him to be. He pulled out his bag and emptied all of the books and notebooks out of it. He haphazardly threw stuff in it – clothes, shoes, toiletries – zipped it up, and headed to the bus stop. He wasn’t supposed to be leaving until tomorrow. He was supposed to hang out with Caleb over break, but Ray hadn’t seen anyone aside from Gavin and Michael this morning and he suddenly just wanted to go home. So he shouldered the strap on his bag and boarded the first bus that pulled up to the stop, not bothering to even check that he got on the right one.

Ray showed up at his mother’s doorstep hours later. The sun sat low on the horizon and she looked beyond confused when he walked in.

“You’re home early, mijo. You aren’t supposed to be back –”

Ray immediately engulfed his mother in a hug. He was taller than her these days so he couldn’t bury his face in her chest like he used to, but her warmth still felt like home. Ray couldn’t fake a smile right now. He stood there wrapped up in his mother’s embrace and didn’t say a word. Because Ray knew wasn’t supposed to be back yet, ok? He just wanted to come home. He looked a mess with his purpling eye socket and busted lip, but he just wanted to come home.

____________________

Spring Break was a sluggish week. Ray wanted to mend things between him and his mother. He felt like they weren’t as close as they used to be, that his drama at school and the secrets he was so desperately holding onto were driving a wedge between them.

The first thing Ray had done after coming home unannounced and scooping his mother into a wordless hug, was retreat to his room and go to bed. The next morning his mother had already left for work and Ray hadn’t gotten a chance to apologize or explain or anything. That had been how things were between him and her for the next two days. They kept missing each other. Either one of them was asleep or she was working.

He managed to catch her early on the third morning he had been back. He was heading off to bed at four am because he was a teenager and his sleep schedule was atrocious. She exited the bedroom while putting on her earrings. Ray stopped in his tracks. There were a few brief moments where they stood locked in a silent stalemate. It was like she was trying to gauge if her own son was safe to approach and the thought just about broke Ray’s heart.

He offered a small wave, “Morning.”

She nodded and headed into the kitchen. Ray frowned. That wasn’t the reaction he wanted, so he followed her. He watched her pull food out of the fridge and pantry and piece together a lunch. Ray moved to a cabinet and pulled out a glass, glad that at least everything was left where he remembered it. He filled the glass with tap water and hoisted himself up on the counter. He noted that his mother didn’t click her tongue and tell him to get his butt off of the same place where they ate.

“So,” Ray took a sip of water and carefully watched her over the rim of his glass, “How’s life?”

His mother chuckled dryly and shook her head. She gave a Ray a look before refocusing on preparing her lunch.

“I should be asking you the same thing. You get in a fight or something?”

Ray touched his cheek. He flinched at how tender the skin under his eye was. He had forgotten his face was still a wreck.

“Or something.”

He didn’t want her to worry. Hopefully the fallout with Gavin was a onetime thing. Gavin said he was “working on it” whatever that meant, and Ray was determined to move on. He had better things to do than lament over terribly undefined relationships with clumsily penned endings.

His answer didn’t appease her, Ray could tell by the way she pursed her lips, but she decided to let it drop for now. They’d revisit that issue at a later date.

“I joined a book club, you know? It’s with some of the other ladies in the complex.” She covered a plate of empanadillas in plastic wrap and put it back in the fridge. Ray didn’t know why she still made so much food if he wasn’t in the house as much anymore. Must be a force of habit. “I can’t make it every week, but the ladies there are really…”

“Lovely? Nice? Smart?” Ray threw out a few choice adjectives, trying to help her find the right word.

“Nosy,” she said with a satisfied nod. Something glinted in her eyes and she continued, “Did you know that the woman in 408 – you know, the one with those horrible little kids? – well her ex is back in town and he’s _pissed_. Has to move in with her mother for a few weeks, pobrecita.”

She scraped some leftover rice into a plastic container. Snapping the lid on and putting it in her lunch bag, she continued relaying the latest gossip.

“And don’t get me started on all the little thugs running around these days. You know how many of your old classmates I see strapped and looking for trouble? Ay, Dios, I swear this is why I sent you off to that nice Academy and then you come back to me looking like this –”

“ _Mama_ ,” Ray stepped in before she could hit her stride and really start up a fuss, “Sounds like you’re having fun. Even if it is less of a book club and more of a gossip circle. And don’t worry about me. It’s fine. I’m fine.”

His mother slammed her knife on the counter and Ray jumped. She stared him down with a critical eye and surveyed him from head to toe. Ray sipped on his water and tried to avoid eye contact. That didn’t work very well when his mother grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her. Ray flinched. He still had a few tender bruises that refused to fade.

“You look miserable, Ray.”

“I don’t feel – ” Ray stopped himself. He was going to say that he didn’t feel miserable, but he decided to go with a more truthful answer, “A-as miserable as I look. Promise.”

He gave his mother his best pleading look, big eyes and jutted bottom lip and everything. She reluctantly backed off and put the remaining food away.

“The shop girl at the salon is single by the way. I asked her a few weeks ago. Who knows, she might be good for you.”

Ray didn’t comment on the fact that his mother knew her relationship status while Ray couldn’t even remember her name. He didn’t comment on how he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now. How he had just gotten out of a rough break up and the idea of dating anyone was still raw against his nerves. He just hummed and nodded, watching his mother gather the last of her things to prepare for work. Ray hopped off the counter and put his glass in the sink. He wished his mother a good day at work as she stepped out the door.

He would leave the apartment today. Self-wallowing was not a good look. Or smell for that matter, Ray realized as he caught a whiff of his own body odor. Not showering for a few days did that to a person.

The bathroom floor was cold and the lights were garish as always. Ray undressed and thought about where he was going to go today. Leaving the house with no destination in mind wasn’t a bad idea per se, but it was better to have some sort of plan before he left. A flash of jaundice bruising just above Ray’s hip caught his eye in the mirror. He twisted his body so that he could get a better look while prodding it experimentally a few times. It wasn’t as if Ray’s plans had been working out for him so well these days. He sighed and turned on the shower before hopping in under the stream.

He didn’t want to go to the salon, Ray mused as he let the water wash over him, even though he desperately needed a haircut. He didn’t want to have to talk to anybody about school or life or anything. It was going to be the same handful of questions and he was going to have to parrot back the same handful of answers. But the fact remained that he needed to get out of the apartment. Looking at the same four walls sun up to sun down wasn’t helping his already sour mood.

Ray blindly reached for the bottle of shampoo balanced on the edge of the tub. He turned the bottle upside down and emptied its contents in his hair. The shampoo was cold and thick and smelled like flowers. Ray supposed he could always just go back to basics. He could go to church.

It wasn’t until after he showered and had gotten dressed that Ray noticed his ridiculous mistake. He pulled out a pair of dress shoes from his bag and nearly laughed at the absurdity. He accidentally packed the shoes that Gavin had given him for Christmas. How the fuck did even manage that one? Ray grumbled to himself about his own absentmindedness as he sat on the edge of his bed with the shoes in hand. Might as well try them on.

He slipped on one shoe, then the other. He tied the laces, adjusted the tongues, and stared at his feet. The shoes were stiff. The material was inflexible, they hurt his feet, and Ray had half a mind to throw them across the room. But he kept them on. He didn’t have a reason why, not a good one anyway, but he wiggled his toes and felt the rigid leather press the sides of his feet. Ray wondered if this was symbolic or something.

He walked to church in the too tight shoes. Outside the chapel down the road that he and his mother hadn’t been to in years, Ray stopped. He stared up at the ornate doors and suddenly decided that he didn’t want to go in anymore. He didn’t want to question his faith anymore, didn’t want to ask God why this was happening anymore. Ray was certain, so fucking certain that everything he had ever felt for Gavin was real and maybe it wasn’t love, but it was something powerful and it was still fucking Ray up.

His thoughts were interrupted by yelling across the road. There were people shooting hoops on the basketball court. Groups of girls gathered by the sidelines and Ray could see the new girl from the salon leaning against the fence. The way she looked at the boys on the court, with their gym shorts and tanks, was a look that was more passionate than anything she had ever directed Ray’s way. For that, at least, Ray was grateful. Despite his mother’s greatest efforts, it would never work between them and now Ray didn’t have to worry about dragging someone else into his mess of a love life.

The girl seemed nice, she smiled at Ray whenever they passed in the halls, but he could see how much brighter she smiled at the boys shooting hoops on the court. It wasn’t like Ray was in the mood for another relationship anyway, let alone a long distance one. Because that’s what they would be, long distance, trying to make something work when they were on two different shores with an ocean of sexual identities between them.

Ray sat down on the stone steps in front of the church. He watched the basketball game across the street through the chain-link fence.

He had lost his roommate, the boy who had wanted to call more than a friend, thanks to a spectacular display of miscommunication and cowardice. Now, he had probably lost what few friends he had left. Even though Michael didn’t seem totally put off or disgusted by what was no doubt brand new information about what was going on between Ray and Gavin, Ray couldn’t say the same for everyone else.

Not to mention, Ray was also at risk of losing his mother. Gavin may have been livid and out of line when he said it, but he had voiced a very real fear of Ray’s. If he did tell his mother about him and Gavin and the past few months, he wasn’t sure she wouldn’t hate him. Ray sighed and propped his elbow on his knees, cradling his chin in his hand. He kind of hated himself for all of this to be honest.

Ray listened to the shouts of the kids across the street. He would head home in a little bit. He would figure this all out one way or another. Scared or not, he still had to go back to school at the end of the week. If Michael and the others took Gavin’s side, Ray wouldn’t blame them honestly. He had been a bit of a shithead and Gavin wasn’t completely at fault for their disastrous excuse for a relationship.

The warming spring breeze ruffled his too long hair and his feet ached in the pair of too tight shoes. It wasn’t going to be graceful and he still didn’t know what he was doing, but Ray would make it out of all of this somehow.

____________________

Everything came to a screeching halt when his mother was cooking dinner. She had gotten the day off and had spent most of it in bed. Ray was sitting at the kitchen table while she cooked. His aimless drifting, his internal turmoil arguing the pros and cons of a lot of things with himself, they all spilled out when his mother asked him a simple question.

“Are you okay, mijo?”

It was such a ridiculously simple question and she said it so offhandedly that it caught Ray off guard. He looked up from the magazine he had been flipping through and watched his mother chop peppers. He let the question rattle around his skull for a bit. The first thing he wanted to say was no. He was not okay. He really wasn’t. And he should probably tell his mom that.

“What if,” he spoke slowly, trying to find words that kept slipping through his fingers like smoke, “What if I wasn’t the baby boy you think I am? Like, what if I messed up really bad, Mama? Like. Really, really bad.”

He kept an eye on her, watching as she continued to slice her knife through the bright red flesh of the peppers. She tilted her head and wisps of her hair fell in her face. She huffed, blowing the strands out of her eyes. The sound of the knife hitting the cutting board was rhythmic.

“You’re alive, aren’t you? That’s all that matters to me. We can fix it whatever it is, but it’s not the end of the world, baby.”

“Even if,” he swallowed thickly, “If I have no chance with that girl at the salon? The one you keep trying to hook me up with?”

“Is that what this is about?” She scraped her finished pile of chopped peppers into a bowl set off to the side and started to work on the next batch. “You feel like you’re not good enough for her? She say something to you?”

This wasn’t working. She wasn’t getting it. It would help if Ray was more upfront and actually used his words like a big boy, but that would be too easy, wouldn’t it? His palms were sweaty. Chewing his bottom lip, Ray wiped them on his pant legs. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe he really was better off not telling his mother anything.

“No, never mind. It’s just that…I, uh, I’m not really interested in her. Like at all.”

“Oh! Well, there’s this young lady who started working at the convenience store you might like! And one of the ladies from the book club has a niece who is visiting over the summer. Also –”

“ _Mama_.” Ray’s voice was tight, matching the constricting feeling in his chest.

His mother dumped the second batch of peppers in a bowl and moved on to chopping up a handful of cilantro. “Hm?”

Ray tried to ignore the deafening sound of his heart pounding in his ears. “I-if I was…interested in a boy, would you and God hate me?”

The rhythmic sound of the knife stopped. Everything came to a standstill and Ray held his breath. His mother stared at her hands, at the green leaves staring back up at her. Ray squirmed under the weight of the silence. Then his mother turned to look at him with this expression that he couldn’t read and Ray had to break eye contact and stare at the glossy pages of the magazine on the table.

She put the knife down, he could hear it clatter on the counter, and it made Ray flinch. He tried to blink away the stinging in his eyes and waited for whatever verbal lashing was in store. Suddenly, Ray was wrapped in warmth and the smell of peppers and garlic filled his nose. It took him a second to realize what was happening. His mother was hugging him.

“I love you more than anything, Ray. Never forget that, okay?” Her voice resonated in her chest and Ray buried his face in the fabric of her apron. He felt her strong hands patting his back as she spoke again, “I can’t answer for Him, but I don’t hate you, okay? I could never hate you.”

A dam broke. Ray started crying. He cried in full-on body-wracking sobs while his mother rubbed circles on his back and placed kisses in his hair. Here he was worrying himself sick over relationships and identity crises and boys, feeling like he had lost the only person he could talk to.

Gavin was right: he was a total mama’s boy.

A parent’s love didn’t have to be unconditional, Ray knew that. He knew that so very well and it had prevented him from talking to his mother about any of this. Even if Gavin still hated him after all was said and done, and even if his classmates were going to give him hell for all of this bullshit, Ray had at least one other pillar in his life.

He cried for what felt like forever. Snot ran into his mouth and his head hurt, but there was a definite lightness in his chest when he finally pulled away from his mother’s embrace. She kissed his forehead, wiped his face off with her apron, and kissed him again.

“Does this have anything to do with that roommate of yours?”

Ray didn’t trust his voice enough to answer, so he just nodded and sniffled.

“You want to talk about it?”

A few hot tears fell from Ray’s lashes and he swiped at them with the heel of his hand. It was a long story to talk about. He was kind of tired and all cried out at this point, so he went for the abridged version.

“We were together? I guess? It was…nice. Weird, but nice. B-but now,” Ray hiccupped, “Now we’re not together and it sucks.”

And, yeah, he left out all the kissing and the sex and the fights but his abbreviated recap of the past few months seemed to be enough for his mother. She nodded and tucked a piece of hair behind his ear. His nose was red and running again. His mother brushed away his errant tears with the pad of her thumb, smooth and warm.

“You want to go get piragua or something?”

Ray tried to laugh but the phlegm in his throat made it sound more like a cough, “It’s almost April, Mama.”

She smirked and tugged at the strings of her apron, pulling it off over her head, “Like that’s going to stop us.”

Later that night, when Ray crawled into his mother’s bed with syrupy sweetness lingering on his tongue, he felt a lot better than he had in a long time. He cuddled up under her and breathed in the smell of home and comfort.

“You’re going to be okay, baby,” his mother whispered into the dark.

Ray couldn’t see her face in the darkness. He didn’t have his glasses on and everything was fuzzy. “Yeah, I guess.”

The springs creaked as she shifted. Ray felt a warm finger prod his forehead. “Can you repeat it for me? I want to hear you say it. Say it and mean it.”

Ray yawned. Smacking his lips a few times, he rolled onto his back and watched ghostly shapes flit across the ceiling. It was quiet in the apartment. It felt to Ray as though his mother’s even breaths and a siren from down below were the only sounds on Earth.

“I’m going to be okay.”

He listened to the sound of his words slip into the near silence and, lying under his sheets, staring at the ceiling with sugar dancing on the tip of his tongue, he actually believed it.

____________________


	15. Chapter 15

The first thing Ray did when he got back to campus was head straight to Caleb and Michael’s room. He knocked on the door, rocking on his heels in the subsequent silence as he waited for an answer.

The door creaked open and standing in the doorway, with his trademarked cap and a befuddled expression, was Caleb. Before he had a chance to say anything, to ask Ray where’d he’d been or call him awful names, Ray blurted out the only word he thought mattered at a time like this.

“Sorry.”

He was apologizing for a lot of things: for skipping out on their Spring Break plans, for not telling him or anyone about Gavin, and for not being the straightest guy on the planet. He hoped Caleb could understand all of that with only one word. He was trying to go for the succinct route. Ray found he had a tendency to trip over his words and muddle his point.

He stood in the empty hallway and desperately searched Caleb’s face for a reaction. After a time, Caleb smirked and opened the door to let Ray in.

“You broke my heart when you skipped town, man. You can make up for it later though, I guess.”

And just like that, everything between them was okay. Caleb invited him in for a few rounds of gaming, an offer which Ray gladly accepted, and they spent time hanging out and talking about nothing in particular while the afternoon dragged on. It wasn’t until Caleb had to get up and turn the light on because the room had grown too dark that Ray realized Michael was nowhere to be found.

“Hey,” Ray said. Caleb grunted to show that he was listening. “Where’s Michael?”

Caleb shrugged, grabbing two cans of Red Bull off of his desk before sitting back down on the floor. He handed one to Ray and opened his own with an expert tug, “Probably with Lindsay.”

Ray grunted. He opened the Red Bull and took a sip. Yeah, that made sense. There was a lull in their conversation and silence crept in the space left behind.

“Sooo, speaking of roommates,” Caleb started. His comment was so sudden and sounded forced compared to the previous quiet. Ray would have laughed at how terrible that segue was if he didn’t suddenly feel so queasy. Caleb coughed before continuing, “You and Gav, huh?”

Ray didn’t take his eyes off the screen. He smashed a few choice buttons. “Me and Gav.”

“Huh,” Caleb said like he hadn’t had a week to mull this conversation over and choose his words more carefully, “So you’re…not…straight.”

Ray didn’t say anything, but Caleb took it as an affirmation anyway.

“That’s cool, I guess. But you guys can’t keep avoiding each other like you have been. Especially now that everyone knows. Not to be a dick, but I really don’t want to get caught in the middle.”

Ray sighed. He pause the game and looked at Caleb.

Caleb put up his hands in a placating gesture, dropping his controller in the process, “Look, I’m just telling you before someone else does. You’re gonna have to either kiss and make up or fake it until summer or _something_.”

Ray smiled wryly, “Kiss and make up, huh?”

Caleb rolled his eyes and shoved Ray, “I meant that figuratively and you know it.”

Laughter bubbled up in Ray’s chest. It leaped from his throat in short bursts and wouldn’t stop. His vision blurred and he had to wipe tears from his eyes. Even when Caleb chuckled and told him it wasn’t that funny, Ray kept laughing. He couldn’t help it. He and Gavin were in shambles and now everyone knew it, but Caleb was still sitting here shooting the shit and giving advice and acting like a friend. Things really were going to be alright.

The only thing that stopped Ray’s laughter was the sound of the door opening. Michael entered and stopped abruptly in the doorway. Ray wiped away a few stray tears as his laughter subsided. Michael entered the room, slamming the door shut behind him.

“Holy shit there you are,” he stormed over to Ray and used the sole of his foot to shove him over, “You mind answering my fucking texts next time, asshole? I thought you were fucking dead.”

Ray stayed on the floor. It didn’t hurt when Michael knocked him over and he knew that the guy was just worried. He had told Ray to come back after all, a request that Ray immediately defied the second he was given the chance.

“Sorry.”

“Yeah you are,” Michael huffed as he went over to his bed. “Now,” he said as he sat on his mattress and gave Ray a level stare, “We need to talk about you and my boi.”

“Ugh,” Ray groaned while sitting up, “Caleb and I already talked about it.”

“Well Caleb isn’t me, so fuck that.”

Caleb grunted as he stood up off the floor and brushed off crumbs, “Jesus, Michael, we just got back. Give him a chance to breathe.”

Michael’s eyes snapped to Caleb, “Fuck. That.” He jabbed his index finger at the door, pointing somewhere past the wall, “You know what that idiot said to me? When he was drunk out of his skull and playing the worst beer pong known to man?” He didn’t let Caleb answer, instead putting on his foppish imitation of Gavin and flailing his arms in the air, “Micooool, you ever love someone – give ‘em your heart with all the soft squishy sensitive bits – and then they decide they don’t want it anymore? Just sort of shit on it? Sucks, dunnit?”

Dropping his hands in his lap, Michael lost the accent. He looked at Ray. “Didn’t click that he was talking about you. Not until you guys tried to tear out each other’s throats in the middle of a goddamn bus aisle.”

Ray stared down at the floor. His can of Red Bull was still sitting next to him, so he ran his finger around the cool, metal rim. He heard Caleb shut off the console and turn off the television. When he went to sit on his bed, the springs squeaking in protest, Ray felt like he was trapped in the middle of an intervention. Which he was, more or less.

Caleb spoke up as he rubbed the back of his neck, “It’s just like – shit, man – I knew you were having issues and I knew Gavin was having issues, but now I feel like…” he shrugged, at a loss for the right words.

Michael jumped in and picked up where Caleb left off, “Like the worst friend and the biggest _idiot_ for not noticing that you two were having issues with _each other_.”

Caleb nodded. “Right.”

What could Ray say, it turned out he and Gavin were really good at keeping secrets. He looked away from the can and into the faces of the two people who were trying to help him.

“Look,” Michael said as he pulled his feet up on his bed and crossed them in front of him, “Gavin’s a piece of shit, yeah, but he’s ours. He was yours too, I guess, but you don’t have to take him back if you don’t want.”

“We get it. Don’t worry,” Caleb offered Ray a smile, gentle and understanding, “Just do you, man.”

“But, to be fair,” Michael added with a finger in the air, “Just know that he’s less of a piece of shit now than he was before he met you.”

Ray thought over their words. Yes, Gavin wasn’t the easiest person to get along with, but life with Ray was no walk in the park either. He knew that. A lot better now than he did before. Ray nodded his head. He stood up.

“I should go,” he said as he motioned towards the door.

Both Michael and Caleb said their goodbyes and made Ray promise that he’d think about what they said. When Ray opened their door to leave, he came face to face with Gavin, his fist poised and ready to knock. The encounter caught them both off-guard, and it was like Gavin forgot how to breathe when he saw Ray. He froze with the most ridiculous expression on his face and Ray could see the fading ring of finger-shaped bruises around his throat.

“Hey,” Ray said as he ducked past Gavin. He was going to be amiable, but that didn’t mean he was going to talk longer than necessary.

“Hi…” Gavin mumbled as he watched Ray brush by.

Ray continued to walk down the hall, determined to not turn around. Caleb and Michael had a point: Ray and Gavin needed to figure out some sort of solution or workaround. Having weird tension with the person you lived with was exhausting. Everyone around them wasn’t going to walk around on eggshells forever.

But, Ray thought as he pressed the down button on the elevator, those weren’t just fading finger bruises on Gavin’s throat. There were new ones, fresh ones. Ray had no right to feel jealous, but he was seventy percent sure those were hickeys fading on Gavin’s neck and that made the tips of Ray’s fingers burn. The elevator doors opened with a ding.

____________________

Life got surreal right off the bat.

Ray was trying to keep his distance from Gavin. Not in the same extreme way from before, but a casual, considerate amount of space that didn’t feel stifling or estranged. They were cordial to each other, because Ray had promised Caleb that much at least, but never talked unless someone else was around and even then they only hung around each other for no more than a few minutes. It didn’t help that everyone seemed to eyeball their interactions the first week back. They didn’t say anything outright, but the feeling of being watched whenever he said “hi” or Gavin gave him a wave was undeniable.

If anyone asked, Ray would tell them that he was giving Gavin a wide berth so that they could heal or whatever, but truthfully, Ray was a little worried that Gavin might deck him again. Before that fateful night, he didn’t know Gavin was capable of such vicious anger. Or a mean right hook. Ray’s fading bruises had done their due diligence to remind him every day of Spring Break though.

Ray wasn’t sure how he felt about his friends’ reactions to whatever it was that he and Gavin had. Sometimes, when Gavin wasn’t around, they offered advice and comforting words, but for the most part, Ray felt like he was on the receiving end of a lot of one-sided conversations. Everyone was talking, but no one was listening. It was frustrating.

And it wasn’t that he wasn’t appreciative or completely relieved at the lack of bigoted behavior and homophobic slurs being hurled his way. Not at all, he knew he was beyond blessed for falling in step with a ragtag group of accepting losers. Ray simply wasn’t entirely comfortable with everyone suddenly having an opinion on his relationship. Or remnants thereof.

Ryan was the first one to have an actual conversation with him. To try and explain why everyone was acting like something straight out of an after school special.

Ray was sitting on a bench, enjoying the warming weather. The Fort was across from where he sat, pink paint flaking off its wooden sign. He was so wrapped up in his Theology book that he didn’t notice Ryan until he sat down next to him, plopping down like that was where he belonged.

“So,” Ryan started off gracefully while draping his arms over the back of the bench.

“So.” Ray kept his eyes on his book. He wasn’t in a talkative mood today, he had work to do and classes to pass, but he knew Ryan wasn’t leaving anytime soon. His silence wasn’t going to deter the impeding conversation, that was for sure.

As if to prove this point, Ryan drummed his fingers against the bench and delved right in, "You know, Geoff’s pissed that you hurt him."

"Who? Gavin?"

Ryan gave him a look, like he should know damn well who they were talking about. Ray slammed his book shut and turned to face him.

"Well, tell Geoff that it’s a fucking two way street. He hurt me too, alright? And maybe that’s a shitty excuse, but we’ve done enough damage to each other without Geoff having to roll up his sleeves and pummel me within an inch of my life."

His ranting was brought to a halt by Ryan’s weighty hand squeezing his shoulder. He wiped at his stinging eyes even though there were no tears and tried to catch his breath.

"Sorry," he said.

Ryan’s hand was warm, five comforting points radiating against Ray’s skin. "Don’t be. You’ve been going through some shit and I can't imagine how you made it this far without screaming yourself hoarse, but you’ve gotta understand that we don’t have a problem with it.” Ryan moved his hand from Ray’s shoulder and ruffled his hair before pulling away, “At least _I_ don’t. I can’t say the same for Geoff though. He can get really protective over Gavin from time to time. We all do.”

"Yeah, I figured." Ray had sort of just tumbled into friendships that were already in motion when he arrived at the Academy. It made sense for the others to want to keep Gavin safe and take his side on something like this.

Ryan seemed to be attuned to Ray’s line of thought. He tilted his head with a smirk and the way his hair fell across his eyes made him look mischievous, "Don’t get me wrong, we’re protective over you too. Gavin totally dotes on you after all and, like it or not, we’ve already assimilated you into the group. That’s the only reason Geoff hasn’t put a hit out on you yet."

Ray blanched and stared at Ryan wide eyed. Could Geoff do that? Did he have those sort of connections? Ray wouldn’t have been surprised, Geoff did give off a mob boss vibe, which was only bolstered by his relationship with Jack and Ryan. You don’t flank yourself with two big dudes like that and look anything less than intimidating.

Ray’s face must have looked positively horrified because Ryan was quick to reassure him.

"Relax, I’m joking." He pushed his hair out of his face and his expression softened, "The point is, now that Geoff knows, now that _we_ know, we’re trying to retroactively make things better. Figure we could right past wrongs this way or something.”

Ray didn’t know what Ryan meant by “past wrongs”, but he did know that there was no way to make things that had already happened hurt any less. The sentiment was sweet, but that didn’t change the fact that everyone, save Jack and Joel and Gavin and Ray himself, was entering the fray in the last minutes of overtime. The stands were empty, the announcers were packing up, and Ray and Gavin were left in the middle of a half-lit arena wondering how they were going to get home.

Ryan wasn’t looking at Ray anymore; his gaze was affixed on something in the middle distance as he spoke, “Look, I’m not saying we’re good at it alright? Our execution is subpar at best and for that I apologize, but it’s the thought that counts."

Well Ray wasn’t so sure about that one. Heartfelt sentiments aside, how someone executed those sentiments was incredibly important. You could still hurt people even if your heart was in the right place.

“Is it though?” he said. “Seems like everywhere I go, all anyone wants to do is talk about me and Gavin. ‘You should talk to him!’ ‘I bet he’s sorry.’ ‘So have you always been gay or is this a new thing you’re trying out?’. Like, fuck. _Fuck_.” Ray huffed, “I don’t know okay? Trust me, I’ve given it a lot of thought. Like, _a lot_.”

Ryan didn’t say anything, simply waited for Ray to finish his scrambled train of thought. Ray crossed his arms and, yes, he was very aware that he was literally pouting at the moment, but he didn’t care. He felt he was allowed to pout and figured Ryan wouldn’t give him too much shit for it.

“And why can’t he say sorry first? Learn how to use his words like a grown up.”

“You mean like you do?” Ryan broke away from his staring contest with nothing and he and Ray stared each other down. Ray eventually backed down and looked away.

“…You make a good point, Ryan.”

Ryan laughed. It was an endearing sound, one that Ray realized he didn’t hear often.

“If it’s any comfort, Gavin’s dealing with more or less the same right now. A lot of questions, a lot of weird intervention-style conversations. He says he has a better plan than just talking, by the way, so keep an eye out for that, I guess.”

Ray made a face, “What does that even mean?”

Ryan shrugged, just as in the dark as Ray was, “Hell, if I know. Knowing Gavin though, whatever his plan, he’s not doing it alone. He’s terrible at that. Did he ever tell you all the trouble he went through figuring out what to give you for Christmas?”

Ray swallowed and shook his head. He had tossed the shoes in the closet when he had gotten back to campus and hadn’t seen them since. He wondered if they were still there, buried under the usual useless shit that littered a closet floor. They didn’t fit right anyway.

Settling back into his seat, Ryan regaled Ray with a story he wasn’t sure he wanted to hear, “He racked his brain for weeks. At the time, I thought it was weird that he was stressing out that much over a gift for some kid he just met at the beginning of the semester, but what did I know?” He chuckled as though he were recalling some fond memory, “When I suggested he get you new shoes since he definitely ruined your old ones, he lit up like a Christmas tree. It was cute.”

“Is there a point to this story?” Other than to make him feel guilty all over again, Ray didn’t understand why Ryan was telling him this.

“The point is he liked you then and likes you now. Present tense. I’m ninety to…ninety five percent sure of it. He doesn’t put forth an effort for just anyone and he doesn’t fall out of love that easy.”

Well, that made two of them, but Ray doubted Ryan’s confidence. Ryan hadn’t been there when they broke up over a shitty wifi connection. When Gavin pulled him into a forceful kiss and spat venom as he confessed that he knew Ray had jerked off to his sleeping form. Ryan didn’t see the rage in Gavin’s eyes that crossed oceans and meadows to pierce Ray’s soul. Gavin was angry, he had every right to be, and Ray was sure that Ryan didn’t know how capable he was of holding a grudge. Ray didn’t either, but he wasn’t going to take any chances.

There was no present tense for Ray and Gavin anymore. Okay, well technically there was because they were both very much existing in the present, but their present tense wasn’t leaning towards anything as romantic as Ryan was making it out to be. Tragic? Maybe. Romantic? Not likely.

Gavin had moved on and Ray was going to try to do the same.

He started to stand up and leave, figuring that Ryan had made his point and the conversation was over, but Ryan stopped him with a heavy hand on his shoulder.

“Nah,” Ryan said as he rose from his seat instead, “I’m the one who interrupted you. You stay here. I’ll go. Think about what I said, alright?”

Ray nodded and watched Ryan leave, making yet another promise to mull over someone else’s words.

____________________

Ray had the sneaking suspicion that Gavin was trying to get him alone. He was everywhere. Ray swore he saw him everywhere, in every class, at every possible place on campus. He started trying to strike up a conversation too. Ray didn’t remember most of them because they were nothing extraordinary, simply routine courtesies. And while he was glad that Gavin didn’t seem to hate him or intended to avoid him at all costs anymore, Ray found Gavin’s one hundred eighty degree attitude adjustment mighty suspicious.

Like the time when Ray was studying in the library and Gavin plopped in the open seat next to him like it was left open just for him.

“Whatcha working on?” he said with way more energy than any one person should have on a Saturday morning. “Wanna study together? For exams and stuff?”

“I’m good.” Ray said. He noticed how Gavin deflated a bit and tried to soften his refusal, “I mean, I’ve been studying on my own for a while this semester so I’ve got a routine or whatever.”

Gavin nodded while he talked, peering over Ray’s arm and peeking at his book and notebooks. Ray covered his work with his hands and cleared his throat. Gavin shifted his focus from Ray’s papers to his face. His hair was getting too long; his bangs were falling into his eyes.

“Also we only have, like, one class together,” Ray heard himself say.

Gavin leaned out of Ray’s personal space. “Ah. Right.” He put his hands on the edge of the table and drummed his fingers against the wood. “What about the spring musical?”

“What about it?”

“You want to – you planning on going?”

“I was planning on it, yeah. Michael won’t shut up about it and, I mean, he didn’t eat shit at the Christmas pageant, so why not, right?”

It was a joke. Ray was joking, trying to assuage the uncomfortable atmosphere that had settled over his little table in the corner of the library.

Gavin must not have gotten the humor memo because he nodded robotically, fingers still drumming against the table. “Yeah. Me too,” And even Ray could tell that he telephoned that answer in. The drumming stopped and Gavin looked at him. “Well then,” he said.

“Well then,” Ray repeated. He had no clue where Gavin was going with this.

“Bye.” Gavin got up and left. Just, stood up from the table, scraping the legs of his chair against the floor and walked out of the library.

Was having to pretend to be nice to Ray really that hard for him? Or was Gavin just socially constipated when it came to having conversations with people he didn’t care about?

Ray pushed up his glasses and frowned. “Uh, bye…? I guess?” he said to the emptiness.

That exchange was weird and awkward and painful all wrapped up in one. Ray wondered if Gavin just wanted to get him alone to jump him. Maybe the library was too public of a place to enact his plan that Ryan had mentioned.

“Who’re you talking to?” Lindsay said as she and Barbara walked up to the now empty table. She pulled out the chair across from Ray and sat down. “Got some imaginary friends I should know about?”

Ray shook his head. He gave a small wave to Barbara as she sat down next to Lindsay, “Nah. Gavin was here, but then he just fucking bolted. It was weird.”

This seemed to interest both girls. They exchanged a look and Ray regretted bring up the topic of Gavin at all.

“Oh really?” Barbara said as she pulled out her World History textbook, “What’d you guys talk about?”

“Nothing important.” It wasn’t a lie, their conversation had been strange but uninteresting. He didn’t miss the way Barbara’s face scrunched up at his less than stellar answer. He decided to entertain her and stay on the topic she so clearly wanted to delve into, “Why?”

Barbara immediately brightened while Lindsay’s face fell. It was comical how dissimilar they looked sitting in front of Ray like that.

“Well,” Barbara opened her textbook with a flourish, “You didn’t hear this from me, but – ow!”

Lindsay had slapped Barbara’s arm with a spiral notebook. Barbara rubbed the reddening spot and pouted. She and Lindsay then had an intense silent conversation with their eyes and Ray decided that it was better to just stay out of it. He went back to outlining the main points in his book.

His study session was cut short when two well-manicured fingers walked into his line of vision and started to dance all over the picture at the top of the page. Ray prodded the fingers with his pencil eraser and they immediately stopped moonwalking. When they chose to fiddle with the corner of the folded sheet of paper he had been using as a makeshift bookmark instead, Ray decided to give in. His eyes trailed up the arm, which led him to the smiling face of Barbara.

She really didn’t give up, did she? She had to be horrible at keeping secrets.

Lindsay wasn’t paying attention, too caught up in her own schoolwork. Ray sighed and tapped the end of his pencil against his notebook.

“What, Barbara?”

Barbara grinned at being acknowledge and swiped the bookmark paper. She waved it in Ray’s face as she spoke, “I don’t know what was up with you and Gavin and, honestly, I don’t really care. Not because I don’t care about Gavin or about you, but because all that mattered was that our loveable idiot was happy.” Pulling the paper out of Ray’s face, Barbara unfolded it and smoothed out the creases on the table. “But now he’s miserable. More miserable than I’ve ever seen him and it’s really depressing.”

Ray didn’t interrupt. He didn’t want to. Clearly, she had been thinking about this for a while. This was the first time she had approached Ray after the fallout and, to be honest, Ray wasn’t surprised. She and Gavin were obviously close. She’d probably kill for him without a second thought.

Barbara yanked the cap off of her pen and started to scribble on the stolen sheet of paper. Her pen looped in familiar curves and swirls as she continued, “Look, Gavin doesn’t cry. At all. Ever. His parents got divorced and I’ve heard his dad say some really fucked up shit to his face, but all he ever did was laugh it off or get really quiet. I don’t know what you guys had, but it ending really shook him up.”

She was drawing a dick. Ray watched as Barbara drew sunglasses on her impressively detailed portrait of genitalia. He kept quiet. There was nothing he could really say to her.

Gavin didn’t deal with his feelings. He wasn’t good at it. He liked to ignore them, drowning himself in vices, until his emotions bubbled up into something dark and dangerous. Ray could understand that. It was something they had in common.

“He’s got commitment issues,” Lindsay had apparently decided to join in on the conversation now, “Not saying that that excuses some of the shit he’s done over the years – he’s an emotionally manipulative little prick too – but he’s working on it, I think.”

Barbara nodded, not bothering to look up from her drawing. She had started doodling a penile companion for her lone, sunglasses-wearing dick.

“He’s a lot less horrible than he was last year,” Lindsay went on to say, “I assume it’s because of you.”

He wasn’t the only one who was different courtesy of this year’s events, Ray thought as he looked back down at his book. They had both changed a lot from who they were a year ago. Hell, from who they were a few months ago. Ray liked to think that he changed for the better, but he was learning that his self-reflection and powers of perception definitely still needed a bit of work.

It was later, while he was leaving the library, when Ray literally ran into Jack. He wasn’t paying attention to where he was going when he opened the door and walked straight into Jack’s broad chest. Flustered, Ray nearly tripped over himself trying to back up and splutter apologies. Jack chuckled and assured him that it was okay.

“I wasn’t paying attention either, so that makes two of us,” He said as he tried to straighten Ray’s tie. His hands were so big, but his touch was nimble and gentle. “You holding up okay?”

Ray nodded and adjusted his hold on his backpack. “You gonna tell me you told us so or…?”

Jack’s hands fell from Ray’s tie as he gave Ray a quizzical look. “What? Why would I…?” He shifted his weight and the gravel crunched beneath his feet, “Because of the locker room?”

Well, yeah. What else would Ray be talking about? It wasn’t like Jack and Joel didn’t try to help. Didn’t throw in their two cents that was completely unwanted at the time. They had every right to brag or gloat or whatever.

Jack sighed and those big burly shoulders of his sagged. “No. Me and Joel…we didn’t know what we were doing. We thought we were being helpful and things – they didn’t work out the way we’d hoped. I’m sorry. Joel is too, we’re deeply sorry and feel like we failed you.” He gave Ray a small smile that exuded what felt like the very definition of tenderness, “You look happier at least.”

That was a first. No one had told him that before and Ray wasn’t sure if Jack was pulling his chain or not. “Really?”

Jack pretended to survey him from head to toe. Running a critical eye over Ray’s frame, he put a hand to his chin and hemmed and hawed. “Well,” He said after a time, “You look less miserable.”

“I feel less miserable.” It was the truth. He felt a lot more like he was making his way towards being happy again. “But we’ll see how long that lasts.”

“Look,” Jack dropped his humorous air as he got down to brass tacks, “I get it. Believe me, I get it. You kind of get wrapped up in yourself – in your head. You get addicted to that familiar pain of tearing yourself down. But you’ve got a support system, Ray. You’ve got family. You’ve got us.”

He wrapped an arm around Ray’s shoulders and pulled him into a sideways hug. It was surprisingly comforting, but Jack just seemed to have that effect on people. Ray inhaled deeply and sighed. He felt Jack’s chest rise and fall in even breaths. He had a woodsy smell about him, Ray noticed. An earthy and floral scent, like Ray’s grandmother’s old mahogany table, the one with the wobbly leg. It was comforting in a way that was different from sandalwood and sweet grass, different from comfort and home.

“I think I still love him,” Ray muttered into Jack’s shirt. He felt the stout hand rub his shoulder and pull him closer.

“I know you do, Ray,” Jack said with a somber tone, “I know you do.”

____________________

The beginning of May signaled the opening night of the spring musical and the opening night of the spring musical was…an experience. Yeah, if Ray had to choose a word, he would choose the word “experience”.

For starters, the set was colorful beyond belief and the musical numbers were eclectic and energetic. Ray had never been to a lot of musicals in his life, an apparent contrast to both Michael and Ryan, but to say that he didn’t enjoy the Academy’s production of _Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat_ would be a lie.

Ryan was good at his job, that much was certain. Light cues and set changes were seamless as far as Ray was concerned, like scenes shifting before his eyes. Ray tried to imagine Ryan running around in the shadows, headset clipped to his ear and barking orders. Whatever he was doing behind the scenes was working in front of the curtain. It was cool.

And then there was Michael. Brash, bold and loud, the kid had a certain grace when he was on the stage. He loved to perform, that was obvious, and it was hard to imagine that the same guy dancing and delivering powerful lines under the spotlight was the same surly, foul-mouthed punk who had first welcomed Ray to the Academy in September.

After the show and the applause and the bows, Ray hung back with some of the others to talk to the cast. He stuck to the fringes of the group, watching Lindsay give Michael a bouquet of flowers and kiss him on the cheek. Geoff dragged Ryan down into a headlock and ruffled his hair, ignoring Ryan’s muffled protests.

Michael eventually caught sight of Ray and waved him over. Ray squeezed himself between Michael and Barbara and Michael waggled his eyes and stuck out his tongue, “Eh? Eeeeh?? How’d you like my performance?” He winked and nudged Ray with his elbow, “Pretty great, right?”

Ray swatted at Michael’s arm, “Yeah, it was decent, I guess. I’ve seen better though.”

“Oh, shut the fuck up, Ray,” Michael shot back with a grin, “You didn’t even know how to read a script before you met me.”

“Well, I mean, how was I supposed to know you weren’t supposed to read the shit in brackets?” And Ray could have fucking sworn that Barbara intentionally scooted over to make room for Gavin. He chose to ignore this and instead started cracking jokes with Michael about his performance.

About an hour later, everyone parted ways. When Ray got back to the room, Gavin was sitting on his bed and reading a book. It was rare to see Gavin in their room these days, even if Ray had the distinct feeling he was trying to catch him alone, but what really set off radar bells in Ray’s head was that Gavin was holding his book upside down and was most definitely staring at the same spot on the page.

Ray chose to ignore the strange tendencies of his roommate for tonight. He didn’t bother to acknowledge Gavin and began to undress. It wasn’t until he pulled his shirt over his head and threw it on his bed that he saw the note on his pillow written in Gavin’s distinct and painfully familiar handwriting.

_‘meet me behind the annex tomorrow at 8p?’_

Ray picked up the paper and read over the words several more times. This was a setup if he’d ever seen one. He assumed that the only reason Gavin didn’t suggest meeting behind the bleachers was because sports team practices tended to run into the early evening when the warmer weather came along. Ray stood there with the note between his fingers and wrestled with his thoughts. He could feel Gavin’s eyes on his back.

Eventually, Ray turned to look at Gavin with a sigh. “Fine, okay?” Gavin looked startled that Ray was actually talking to him, “I’ll go. But I swear, if this is some elaborate revenge plan and you’re trying to kill me, I am going to be so fucking pissed.”

Gavin shook his head furiously, “It isn’t. I promise.” He could barely keep the smile off his face as he bounded out of the room, probably to tell his confidants that whatever secretive plan he had been trying to enact for the past few weeks was finally in motion. Ray, still not fully sure of what he just agreed to, wondered what he dragged himself into this time around.

Ray arrived at the Annex ten minutes after eight.

Gavin looked beyond relieved when he showed up, his hair sticking up on end and suggesting that he had run his fingers through it more than a few times. Before Ray had a chance to say hi and ask for him to make this as quick and painless as possible, Gavin stuck out his hand. In it was a strip of black fabric that fluttered in the spring breeze.

“It’s a blindfold. Put it on.”

At another time in their life, Ray would have made a joke about sensory deprivation and kinks but this was here and now so he just asked Gavin why.

“It’s a surprise,” was the only answer Gavin was willing to give up. Familiar with Gavin’s stubbornness, Ray gave in with a huff and tied the cloth over his eyes.

Gavin held Ray’s hand and dragged him to wherever destination he had in mind. His fingers were warm and soft and Ray couldn’t help but squeeze his hand. Gavin squeezed back. Ray’s stomach did a sickening flip and he didn’t squeeze again.

They entered a building. Or, Ray assumed it was a building when Gavin carefully guided him up a short flight of steps. They passed through a few pairs of doors before they came to a complete stop.

“You can take it off now.”

Ray did as he was told. The fabric fell from his eyes and he recognized where they were almost instantly. It was the pool house. It was where they had their first kiss and Ray noticed that there was a definite lack of the smell of chlorine that permeated every iteration of his memory of that night.

“Why would you bring me to the pool when you know I can’t swim?” Ray’s voice was quiet and didn’t echo off the paved, pool house walls.

Gavin moved closer to the edge of the pool with a grin, “Oh, don’t worry about that.”

Ray raised an eyebrow and followed Gavin closer towards the edge. He peered into the pool and saw that it was void of water. Absolutely bone dry. He looked at Gavin, who was carefully gauging his reaction, “Alright. So why the fuck did you bring me here then? You planning on pushing me in and hoping I break my legs or something?”

Gavin groaned and rubbed his hands over his face, “Christ, you can be so thick at times.” He took off his shoes and sat them by the edge before hopping into the empty pool. His socked feet didn’t make a sound on the tiled floor. He reached out for Ray and the pool lights flickered in his eyes, “Let’s go for a dip. We’ll stick to the shallow end, yeah?”

Music started playing. Ray couldn’t tell where it was coming from, but he vaguely recognized the song. Some slow indie rock song with lyrics that he couldn’t quite understand.

Ray rolled his eyes, but took his shoes off anyway. He’d play along for now. Clearly Gavin had put work into this and whatever this was wasn’t some sort of violent payback. He didn’t take Gavin’s hand when he hopped in though. He walked to the middle of the pool, looking up at the rafters and windows and lights. Everything looked different from down here. It was cool, in an eerie sort of way. He heard Gavin clear his throat behind him and spared a glance over his shoulder. Gavin was looking sheepish and Ray could almost swear that the tips of his ears were burning bright pink in the lowlight.

“What?” Ray asked. He had no clue what was supposed to happen now.

“I thought – maybe we could…”

“Spit it out, dude.”

“Can I have this dance?” Ray raised an eyebrow and Gavin started babbling, “Just one! I wanted to talk, but you’ve been brushing me off and Lindsay said this would be romantic and I thought – I figured – we could…”

Ray tilted his head. They’d been through a lot of shit this year. And yeah, maybe Ray was being a little harsh on the guy. Maybe. But he seemed really sincere in that moment and what did Ray really have to lose at this point anymore? It wasn’t like what they had was much of a secret now.

He took a deep breath and his answer rushed out in one stuttered exhale, just in case he lost his brief sliver of courage and changed his mind, “Y-yeah.”

Gavin stopped rambling and looked at Ray, his eyes still wide and worried, “What?”

“Sure. Let’s dance,” Ray rubbed the back of his neck, “I kinda bailed on our last one, didn’t I?”

Gavin took the lead and Ray let him, draping his arms over Gavin’s shoulders while Gavin put his hands on Ray’s waist. Gavin’s fingers were trembling, warmth seeping through Ray’s button down shirt. They moved to the languid beat, slow dancing in an empty pool after hours.

“So…” Ray prompted after the chorus started up for the second time and Gavin still hadn’t said another word, “What did you want to talk about?”

Gavin immediately flushed, flustered and fumbling for words, “Uh, right, well. Kat and Matt convinced the faculty to do an end of the year dance and…I was wondering if you wanted to go? With me? Like a date?”

Ray stopped dancing, forcing Gavin to follow his lead and stop as well. He frowned and looked up into Gavin’s face, into the hope flickering in his eyes. Ray scoffed in disbelief and the hope all but disappeared.

“Really?” He said, “Is this you trying to apologize for the shit we’ve been through this year? Really, Gavin?”

Gavin huffed, his bangs fluttering with his breath. God, they both needed haircuts. “I’ve been trying to apologize all month, you knob! You keep shutting me down and looking at me like I’ve killed your dog!”

It was Ray’s turn to splutter, “What? …Wait, really?”

“Yes!” Gavin’s grip on Ray’s waist tightened, “I couldn’t tell if you knew I was apologizing or not. Nearly pissed myself when you were in Michael’s room after Spring Break. I thought you were mad at me.”

“I was!” Ray _had_ been mad at Gavin. He had been beyond mad. Livid. Pissed. But time passed and things changed. “But, then I wasn’t…I guess? Plus, I thought you were mad at _me_!”

Gavin nodded energetically, “I was at first! Then I started to miss you. And then I was scared that you’d never forgive me and, like, strangle me in my sleep or something.”

“You…you were scared of me?” Ray was incredulous and Gavin noticed.

“Hey, I can get scared too! I get scared a lot – about a lot of things!”

“But of me?” Ray was still really hung up on that part because it seemed absolutely ridiculous. He was short and slow and unathletic and cried too much. He was the furthest thing from scary.

Gavin squawked indignantly and his face flushed another shade of red, “Have you ever seen your face when you glare at someone? It’s like…seventy percent eyebrows and terrifying.”

Ray laughed. Short barks of laughter that echoed off the tiled pool floor. That was the first time anyone had called him terrifying before. Gavin pouted.

“Yeah, yeah laugh it up. I told Dan the same thing and he laughed so hard he cried.” Gavin seemed to have reminded himself of something when he mentioned Dan. “Which, by the way, I visited him during break.”

Ah. The music changed. Something much softer and somber spilled from the speakers Ray still hadn’t managed to locate. Someone was having fun being the DJ for tonight.

“Is that why you were covered in hickeys the first day back?”

“I wouldn’t say _covered,_ but yeah.” The heat was fading from Gavin’s neck and his cheeks were returning to their normal shade. “He didn’t know until I told him afterwards. Attempted to beat some sense into me with his pillow too. He made me promise to let him meet you when he visits this summer. Whether we give this another go or not.”

Ray hummed and started to sway. Gavin fell into step and they spun in slow circles along the pool floor. Was Ray really willing to give this another go? It would have to be a real relationship this time. One that they agreed on a definition for and wasn’t shrouded in secrets and shadows. Not that anything they had could be a secret anymore. Not with their dirty laundry aired out in the open like it was. Which reminded Ray,

“I told my mom about us,” he shifted his grasp around Gavin’s neck and looked him straight in the eyes, “Not for you though. I did it for me.”

The pool lights flickered in Gavin’s gaze, “What’d she say?”

“She was…surprisingly okay with it.”

Gavin nodded slowly, processing the information. His eyes roamed over Ray’s face, as though he was looking at Ray for the first time in a long time. And maybe he was. “Sorry about what I said,” Gavin spoke with a steady voice and Ray could feel his fingers playing with his belt loops, “About your mum. Sorry for being a dick.”

He wasn’t the only one who had something to apologize for here. They had both made mistakes over the past few months. “I’m sorry too,” Ray said, “For a lot of shit, but mostly for being a complete asshole.”

Gavin chuckled at Ray’s apology but didn’t deny his self-proclaimed asshole-ness. His fingers continued to fiddle with Ray’s belt loops as they kept dancing to music that had stopped minutes ago.

“Do you even want to do this again?”

It was a question that needed to be asked and Ray was glad that Gavin asked it. He chewed on his bottom lip and mulled over his answer before speaking up.

“If we do, we have to do it right this time. Total honesty, ok? No secrets.” Gavin nodded. Right. “And you know,” Ray continued, “We aren’t gonna be happy like this forever. More shit’s probably gonna happen.”

Gavin nodded excitedly and pulled Ray closer as he spun them around, “Yeah, but we’ll deal with it better this time. I like you loads and want to wade through that shit together with you.”

Ray made a face, “Gross.”

“ _You’re_ gross,” Gavin shot back with a smile.

Ray snorted trying not to laugh, “Yeah, I am. So, Gavin, you’ve got a gross crush on a gross boy. What’re you gonnna do about it?”

“Can I kiss you?”

Ray stopped. Gavin stopped. Ray’s smile fell from his face and his heart caught in his throat. Hell yeah, Gavin could kiss him. _Fuck_ yeah. But his words weren’t working at the moment so Ray just nodded dumbly. Gavin leaned in and pressed their lips together. It was soft and sweet, the kiss, and it reminded Ray of their first one. It had felt like ages since he’d been able to feel this, feel Gavin’s breath on his face, his hands on his body. Ray practically melted against Gavin’s heat, against the feeling of Gavin’s mouth on his, and, God, he had missed this. He had missed Gavin.

When they pulled apart, Gavin smirked down at Ray, lips red and slick. “So does this mean you’ll go to the dance with me? That you’re officially my boyfriend?”

Ray ducked his face into the crook of Gavin’s neck to hide his smile. That word sounded so perfect the way it tumbled off his tongue.

“Yes, asshole,” Ray said, pressing his lips to Gavin’s skin, “I’ll go to the stupid dance with you _and_ be your boyfriend.”

Gavin pulled back and put a hand to Ray’s chin, lifting his face up so they could look at each other. And just like that, Ray was getting lost in his favorite gaze again, drowning in an ocean of stars and loving every second of it. Gavin leaned down and kissed him again, like it was the most natural thing in the world.

____________________


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's more of an epilogue, really.

The shoes fit on the night of the dance. Gavin had pulled them out of the closet when searching for his own pair and asked Ray to try them on for him. He still hadn’t seen how they looked on Ray. So Ray had bit his tongue, desperately wanting to inform Gavin that while his heart was in the right place, the damn things didn’t fit, and slipped them on. Gavin even tied the laces for him and as he looked at the shoes so fondly, Ray couldn’t help but humor him by walking around the room.

He was surprised when he didn’t feel the pain of stiff leather pressing against his feet. The shoes were snug, yeah, but they were comfortable, familiar almost, and Ray rocked on his heels and wiggled his toes to make sure. Gavin was beyond excited and trilled that Ray must have broken them in already because they looked positively wonderful. Ray didn’t answer at first, looking down at is feet in disbelief. He wiggled his toes one last time.

Huh. Well then.

Gavin glowed and proclaimed that he was the best gift giver ever, a proclamation that Ray ignored as he pointed out that Gavin was still shit at tying ties. Pouting, Gavin shuffled over and told Ray to fix it.

When they arrived at the gymnasium it looked a lot like it did during homecoming, streamers and balloons and decorations all over. Ray stood just off to the side of the dance floor, holding hands with Gavin and feeling guilty about not wanting to dance.

“It’s alright,” Gavin said as he bumped their shoulders together, “Slow songs are more your thing, I get it.”

Ray felt Gavin’s thumb rub small circles across the back of his hand and butterflies fluttered pleasantly in his stomach. He didn’t get a chance to answer before a pair of arms slung over his and Gavin’s shoulders, bringing them closer together.

It was Miles and he seemed determined to pull the three of them together in an awkward sort of hug. He squeezed them close. “You guys are disgustingly cute,” he said. He surveyed the gymnasium like he was reminiscing over all the adventures they had together, some of which he was probably too drunk to remember, “I just wanted you to know that.”

Ray didn’t notice Kerry was standing next to him until he spoke up, “Get ready for a shitstorm though, the nuns are _not_ gonna like this.”

Miles hummed and nodded in agreement before stepping away from Ray and Gavin. Gavin clicked his tongue and his grasp on Ray tightened. “We’ll just have to deal with that next year then. Can’t do anything to us over summer break, can they?”

Miles looked at Kerry. Kerry looked at Miles. They both looked at Gavin and shrugged.

“Beats me,” Kerry conceded, “We get to find out together.”

Miles rubbed his hands together with a wild grin, “Oh, next year’s gonna be _good_.”

The song that was playing changed. A heavy bass pounded over the speakers and the conversation between the four boys was interrupted by Barbara bouncing over. She bobbed to the beat of the music and grasped Gavin’s wrist with both hands. She tugged him towards the dance floor, “Dance with me!” It was a command more so than a request and Ray had been on the receiving end of that command before. There wasn’t much use putting up a fight. Barbara looked at Ray, Kerry, and Miles, eyes bright and face flushed, “You too!”

Miles was more than eager to join, but Kerry waved her off, stating that he was going to go look for Monty instead. Gavin didn’t put up much of a fight either, shooting Ray an apologetic smile before he was dragged away. Ray didn’t mind. He wasn’t much of a dancer anyway. Especially not when there was a snack table to raid.

Ray made his way over to the table to scope out the food situation. Kat and Matt had really gone the whole nine yards with this one. From cookies to chips and dip to chicken wings to a sheet cake that said “You did it!”, the entire spread was impressive. Ray grabbed a slice of cake, intending to only eat the icing off of it, and ladled himself a cup of punch. The smell of alcohol was distinctly missing from the punch bowls this time and Ray wondered if it was because nobody thought to spike it or because the adults had gotten hip to what happened at Homecoming.

“You know,” Caleb said as he sauntered up to Ray, “I was joking when I told you to kiss and make up before the year ended.” He grinned and fiddled with the bill of his hat.

Ray blushed, heat crawling up his neck as he looked down at the piece of cake sitting on his plate. He balanced his cup on the plate, red liquid sloshing against the sides. “Yeah, well, y’know,” he swiped his finger in the cake icing before sticking it in his mouth, “Turns out it was a pretty good idea.”

“Not surprising, I guess,” Caleb said, “I can be full of good ideas without even trying.” He plucked Ray’s cup off of its precarious perch and took a sip only to purse his lips at the taste. Either it was too sweet or too sober, but Ray figured that’s what Caleb deserved for stealing his drink.

Ray continued to lick his slice of cake frosting free, “So now you’re taking credit for it?”

Caleb grinned, “Who do you think was behind the playlist at the pool house?”

“Michael,” Ray deadpanned. It made the most sense. Michael was probably the person Gavin was the closest to aside from Geoff. And Barbara. And Lindsay. Alright, so Gavin was close with a lot of people, but Michael was one of the few who would break into the pool house just so he and Ray could dance in an empty pool.

“Okay, well, so actually it was Lindsay,” Caleb said before he finished off the last of the punch. He shook the empty cup at Ray, “But I was totally there.”

“You were totally where, Caleb?” Lindsay walked up next to Caleb with a plate piled high with cookies. “What are you two nerds talking about? If it’s weird, forget I asked, I don’t wanna know.”

Caleb stole one of her cookies, unfazed by her attempts to swat him away. “We were talking about your sick DJ skills, Linds.”

Lindsay stopped glowering at Caleb, who had all but stuffed his stolen sweet in his mouth, and brightened instantly. “Oh! Okay! This is a conversation I can get behind. Y’know, I’d probably work on music – like voice and stuff – next year if I wasn’t going to be so busy already.”

Ray surveyed his handiwork on his now bare piece of cake. The aftertaste of the icing was thick on his tongue. “Busy with what?”

“I’m reviving the softball team!” Lindsay beamed, so satisfied with her announcement that she didn’t seem to notice Caleb steal another cookie, “Playing Frisbee this year reminded me how much I like sports.”

“Ultimate Frisbee,” Caleb corrected, spewing a few crumbs in the air.

Lindsay ignored his input. “I decided to go back to my roots and restart the Academy’s softball team. We’re probably going to suck the first year and no one’s going to want to play us, but whatever. It’ll be fun.” She picked up a cookie and snapped it in half before stuffing it into her mouth, “Added bonus? It’s like a giant ‘fuck you’ to my parents.”

Ah. Ray supposed that was admirable. That was one reason to do what you loved, even if it was incredibly spiteful.

“I’m losing my two greatest players and it’s only the end of the first year,” Caleb bemoaned, “First you with softball and now Babs is gonna join the field hockey team.”

Lindsay picked up the other half of her cookie and ate it, grimacing at Caleb’s words, “Yikes. She’s going to send somebody to the hospital. Barb plays rough.”

Caleb looked in the empty cup he had swiped from Ray minutes ago. It was still empty, but he seemed to be contemplating whether or not he should get more punch. “She says she plays for keeps.”

Sweet and bubbly, Ray had a hard time believing that Barbara of all people was violent when it came to sports. But there was that one time at Ultimate Frisbee practice where she gave her teammate a bloody nose trying to dive for the same catch.

Lindsay finished off her plate and Caleb forwent getting more punch. He threw the cup away and asked Lindsay if she wanted to dance. She threw her plate at him like a miniature Frisbee and it spun through the air before bouncing harmlessly off his chest and drifting to the floor. She smirked and chided him about what Michael would think before dragging him off to the dance floor.

Ray was left alone by the snack table once again. He thought about milling around the edges of the dance floor, starting up conversations with other people. He still hadn’t seen a lot of his classmates tonight and was kind of interested in what they were all up to. It was while he was standing by the punch bowl and running through his options when Joel strolled up.

“You gonna eat that?” he asked as he pointed to the frosting-less cake still in Ray’s hands.

Ray shoved the plate at him, “Go for it, man.”

“You don’t like cake?”

“Not a fan. Icing’s good though.”

“See, that probably because it’s mostly sugar.”

Joel probably had a point, but Ray was young and eating sugar was something he should be allowed to do with little to no judgment sent his way. It wasn’t really an accusation in the first place, just a statement, and Joel picked up the cake with his fingers and bit into it anyway, so he clearly wasn’t that distraught at Ray’s cake eating methods.

Ray listened to the music, beats vibrating him down to his bones, while Joel stood next to him and ate. There was something he had wanted to ask Joel a while ago. Back when Ray was spiraling in on himself and they had spent an afternoon smoking together.

“Hey,” Ray started. He was afraid that his words were drowned out by the music at first, but Joel looked over at him as he took another bite of cake. “That hoodie you have. The one I borrowed when I was high a few months ago. It’s not yours right?”

Joel shrugged and popped the last bite of cake in his open mouth.

“If it’s not yours, whose is it?”

Joel threw the empty plate away and wiped his hands off on a bright pink napkin. Grabbing two cups, he filled them both with punch and gave one to Ray. Ray accepted the cup in silence, still awaiting an answer. Joel ruffled Ray’s hair before leaving him and the snack table behind.

“Thanks for the cake, kid,” he called over his shoulder, “Enjoy tonight.”

Ray smoothed down his hair with one hand. He took a sip of the punch. It was warm. As he fiddled with the cup, running his finger around the rim, he watched Joel saunter across the gym. Joel strolled up to Jack and slung his arm over his shoulder. Jack jumped but, when he realized who it was, he said something that Ray couldn’t hear. Whatever he said made Joel smile wide.

Ray wondered if he would ever learn everything about these people he called classmates and friends. He finished up his punch as a slow song came on over the speakers. Draining the last few drops from the bottom of his cup, Ray tossed it in a bin and looked around for Gavin. He had promised him a slow dance after all.

Instead, Ray came face to face with Geoff. His thick arms were crossed over his chest and his sleeves were rolled up to the elbow, showing off his tattoos.

“We’re dancing.”

It wasn’t a question. It wasn’t even disguised as a question and Ray was on the dance floor before he could get a word in edgewise.

Out on the dance floor, Ray knew that he wasn’t the greatest dancer, but Geoff had two left feet and an even worse sense of rhythm than he did. He let Geoff lead them in their offbeat swaying, waiting for whatever verbal tirade he was about to receive. When Geoff finally finished staring Ray down, taking in his entire appearance like it was the first day of school all over again, he spoke in a gruff voice.

“If you hurt him again, I’ll deck you. Right in the fucking teeth, got it?” Ray swallowed thickly and nodded. He understood. He understood completely, even if it did feel a little like Ray was being interrogated by a father figure who had concerns about who his son was dating. It was a pretty accurate description of the situation in a way. They danced to the music in silence for a few measures before the severity in Geoff’s face faded. As his expression softened, something flickered in his deep set eyes. “And if that dumbass hurts you? Just tell me and I’ll deal with it.”

Ray blinked. His eyebrows furrowed as he stared blankly at Geoff. “Ah. Okay…?”

That was an acceptable enough answer for Geoff. He nodded. “Good,” he said before spinning Ray around.

When Ray stopped spinning, the earth stopped spinning along with him as he came face to face with Gavin. His tie was crooked and his face was red, but his eyes were the brightest Ray had seen them in a long time. Gavin held out his hand with a smirk,

“Can I have this dance?”

Ray rolled his eyes, “Took you long enough, asshole. I thought you’d never ask.”

The music was still playing soft and slow when Ray took Gavin’s hand in his. He let Gavin lead them into a slow dance. Ray moved his hands so that they were on Gavin’s shoulders while Gavin slid his hands down to Ray’s waist. It wasn’t until Gavin pulled him closer that Ray recognized the fragrance woven into the threads of Gavin’s shirt. It was a scent that Ray remembered from that wintry afternoon with his mother in the mall and the chipper sales lady who had asked him who his gift was for with a knowing smile.

Holy shit, Ray realized, Gavin was wearing the cologne that Ray had bought him for Christmas.

Ray buried his nose in the shirt, inhaling the scent and filling his lungs with nothing but Gavin. It was woodsy and sweet and smelled just like Ray had hoped it would on him. It wasn’t until Gavin chuckled, his chest vibrating against Ray’s face, that Ray realized what he was doing. He pulled away. His glasses were crooked on his nose and a blush spread across his cheeks and down his neck. He tried to backtrack because ramming your face against your boyfriend’s chest and huffing his scent was definitely weird.

“Sorry, I was just –”

“I like it,” Gavin cut him off and Ray could have sworn that his cheeks were tinged pink under the lights, “The cologne. I really do like it, but I never got a chance to tell you.”

If they weren’t currently in the middle of a school dance with chaperones filtered throughout the gym, Ray would have kissed Gavin right then and there. Not merely because Gavin smelled downright fantastic and the song they had been dancing to was crossfading into something more upbeat, but because he had an intense moment of clarity.

Ray Narvaez Jr was irrevocably in love with Gavin Free and he didn’t know what he was going to do about it. It wasn’t a bad thing, not knowing, Ray was going to take this one step at a time and bask in the way Gavin made him feel. Neither of them knew how this was going to turn out, how the nuns and priests and headmistress were going to react to this, but Ray wasn’t as terrified about it anymore.

He still wasn’t sure where God stood on this whole thing. Sometimes, if he thought about it too much, he started to feel that familiar tightness in his chest and his hands would start to sweat. But when Gavin looked at him with that breathtaking gaze, Ray would think about his mother’s words and the fact that he had a support system like no other.

Suddenly, damnation didn’t seem so imminent and salvation didn’t seem so imperative.

If God had a problem with it, Ray supposed that it would have to be something they talked about at the Pearly Gates, because here on Earth, Ray was the happiest he had ever been, spinning in Gavin’s arms, breathing in sandalwood and sweet grass.

And if Ray and Gavin snuck off towards the end of the dance, ducking out through the double doors with their fingers intertwined and faces flushed? Well, what happened afterwards was between them, and the others were none the wiser.

____________________

The school year came to an end, as school years were wont to do, as May faded into June. Classes finished and finals done, Ray and Gavin stood in front of Weeping Dick. The stone statue had clearly seen better days; it was terribly defaced with cartoon dicks drawn all over the robes, a bikini made of nothing but whipped cream, and a familiar scarf wrapped around the face.

Ray sat on the base of the statue and leaned against the cool stone. Settling into the shade, he watched as fancy cars pulled up and classmates and friends piled in. Gavin was sitting on his suitcase a few feet away and watching the clouds roll by, waiting for his mother. Ray was waiting for the bus. He wasn’t going to get home until late and wondered if he would get to meet Ms. Free before his bus showed up.

Ray and Gavin had packed up their stuff the night before. The room looked so strange when it was emptied, stripped down to bare bones with posters gone and desks cleared and beds bare. It was like no one had lived in it. Like everything that happened behind that door, inside those four walls over the past nine months, was a distant memory. New room assignments weren’t announced until right before the beginning of the following year, and though Ray knew that the likelihood of him and Gavin getting paired up again was slim to none, he was still excited to see what their next semester together had in store. But for now, they had three months of summer before them.

Ray looked at Gavin, watched the way the sun bathed across his face as he stared up at the impossibly blue sky. A warm gust of wind ruffled through Ray’s hair. The first thing he was going to do when he got home was finally get a haircut. His mother would thank him for it for sure. When Ray had called her to tell her when he was planning on coming home, she had also made it clear, on no uncertain terms, that she wanted to meet Gavin in person. Let him come visit for a few days. Ray thought it was a great idea, not that there was much in his neighborhood for kids like Gavin to do. Plus, the likelihood that the two of them would eat his mother out of house and home was incredibly high.

“Hey,” Ray said. Gavin tilted his head, eyes still on the sky, to signal that he was listening. Ray swung his feet back and forth, heels hitting the stone base of the statue. “What are you doing this summer?”

The question was enough to make Gavin stop his cloud watching. He looked at Ray with a shrug, “Dunno. I was planning on spending it with you.”

Ray laughed. Leave it to Gavin to not have a plan. “How? Neither of us have a driver’s license and you hate public transportation.”

“We’ll figure it out, love.” Gavin hopped off of his suitcase and strolled over to Ray, joining him in the shade of the vandalized statue. He nudged Ray’s shoulder and Ray scooted over to give him a place to sit.

Ray stopped swinging his feet. He leaned against Gavin and hummed, chewing on his bottom lip. “Gavin?”

“Hm?” He had gone back to watching the clouds and Ray wondered what he was thinking about, “Yeah, Ray?”

“Do you think we’ll be okay?” He looked up to gauge Gavin’s reaction before continuing, “Y’know, in the end?”

Gavin ran a hand through his hair. He appeared to mull over the question, forehead wrinkled in concentration. He eventually settled for shrugging again. “No clue. I don’t even know if we’ll survive the summer to be honest.” He received a playful punch in the shoulder for that one and swayed with the force of the hit, “But why worry about the future?”

“Because I worry about pretty much everything.” It was true. He was trying to get better at it, but Ray was pretty sure that it was something he was going to wrestle with for the rest of his life.

Swinging his arm around Ray’s shoulder, Gavin pulled him close and kissed his cheek. “We’ll be alright in the end, I think.”

Ray feigned disgust as he wiped at the invisible mark Gavin’s lips left behind. Gavin giggled and ducked down to try and kiss him again, but Ray shoved his hand against Gavin’s face to stop him in his tracks. Gavin retaliated by licking Ray’s palm. The disgust this time was genuine as Ray pulled away, but Gavin’s giggles at his victory dissolved into a squawk when Ray wiped his sticky hand on Gavin’s pant leg.

Ray laughed as Gavin whined about how gross he was. He leaned up and gave Gavin a quick peck as a form of apology. Satisfied, Gavin forgave Ray for his insolence. They then settled into a comfortable silence, watching students leave campus bit by bit. Gavin carded his fingers through Ray’s hair and Ray leaned into the touch. This was a good moment. Their last of the school year.

The thought sent something fluttering through Ray’s chest. ”I love you, dude,” Ray said, words floating away on the warm breeze that drifted by, “You know that right?”

The fingers in Ray’s hair stopped. Gavin stiffened and Ray could have sworn that he had stopped breathing. “Y-yeah,” Gavin choked out. It was cute how flustered he sounded with his voice tight like that. He pressed a kiss to the top of Ray’s head, “Yeah. I love you too, Ray.”

Ray had changed a lot since September. Who he was nine months ago seemed so different from who he was at this moment in time, snuggled up next to his boyfriend and ready to start his summer break anew. He was a stranger unto himself and had the entire break and Gavin to figure out who he was. With Gavin’s fingers playing in his hair and the June air heavy with promise, Ray smiled.

They were going to be just fine.

__________END__________

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're done! Thank you so much to everyone who read this ridiculously long fic and took the time to leave comments, kudos, and bookmarks. You're all lovely and I appreciate your time and incredible amounts of patience. It got a little shaky there at the end, didn't it?
> 
> Thank you again for your support and feedback!! <3 <3 <3


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